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Thread: I have it bad

  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    I have it bad

    I'm a 49 year old male with a wonderful, understanding wife. Been married 30 years...two grown kids. I'm confined to about a mile from my home. It has been progressively getting worse for about 10 years. Mild at first, and as the years have gone by, it seems each day I'm a little worse. It does no good to talk about it. I am aware that there are a few of us out there. My daughter was just married about 3 weeks ago. Not only could I NOT walk her down the isle, I couldn't even go...it was a mile from my house. My Son got married a week ago. I could not attend that either. Talk about pain. I was fairly normal until age 40. From about age 40 up until a year ago I managed to get around. I would sit in the truck while my wife shopped. I had several panic attacks at stoplights and every other situation, but I made myself keep doing it. About a year ago to the date, I went deer hunting. I had an attack waaay out in the mountains. The trip home was hell. That pretty much did it for me. I was an outgoing, fun loving husband and daddy. I worked mainly as a purchasing agent for the gold mining industry. I played guitar and sang country and rock music in a band for 20 years. I loved fishing, camping, playing my music, hunting, getting firewood, shopping with my wife...I just loved life. That has all been taken away now. I really just want to die. I promised my wife that I wouldn't "do" myself although I have thought about it many times...and still do. I have a bad tooth that hurts most of the time and I can't get it taken care of. I need new glasses and an eye exam but I
    can't go. My left knee has a growth under the knee cap and it is excruciating/crippling 24/7...again, I can't get it checked. Obviously, I can't seek any help for my agoraphobia. Since it's getting worse, I don't know where it'll go from here. I tried asking God for help but have heard nothing but silence from him. My life is basically over. I'm now sitting around the house waiting to die. Since there's no cure for me, I just thought I'd share my nightmare with you all.

  2. #2
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    Hello Mish and welcome. I'm so glad you found this forum. I don't have any quick "fix it" answers but I can listen. I'm so terribly sorry to hear that things have gotten so bad for you. There are many of us here that understand the feeling of just wanting it all to end. But I know you have heard this before, but I'm going to say it to you again, suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem.
    I know you are thinking that this isn't a temporary problem, that is it never going to go away. But you don't know that. You don't know what lies around the bend. And the fact that you have prayed about this shows that you can try and rely on God, and that in the end is that biggest thing that will help you. I know right now it feels like He is ignoring you, but He's not my friend. He's there you just don't know it.
    I'm glad you promised your wife you wouldn't hurt yourself, please keep that promise! No matter how bleak things may seem, keep that promise! If there is ever a time that you feel you can get out of the house long enough to seek help, do it! I think medication would help you alot. But, I know how it is about not being able to leave your house too. It's hard.
    Just know that you are not alone, that there are many here willing to listen and be there for you. Stick around and keep talking, maybe it will help more than you think.

    Cath
    "Practice makes perfect so be careful what you practice."

  3. #3
    Junior Member
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    Thank you Cath. I just started the process for social security disability benifits. Try explaining THIS disability to the SSC rep. I'm probably not going to get it. It hurts real bad to see my wife walk out the door every morning to make MY living. As a good provider most of my life, I'm just not programmed for this. But, what a special lady I have...never complains and always understands. At this point, since it just keeps getting worse, I don't see it going away. I tried Zoloft a few years ago and it was actually worse. I was blindsided by this crap! I've never drank much alcohol and won't be turning to the bottle or "smoke" for help. I guess we just live each day. Thanks for the kind words!

  4. #4
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    You're very welcome. Know that I will talk with you anytime you need it. I take care of my Gma two mornings a week and work at a nursery school two afternoons a week, but other than that, I'm free.

    Yes, you have a wonderful wife, one that loves you very much. I'm glad you're hanging in there for her sake, and I hope for yours too. It will get better. Your on the down slope right now, but eventually it will turn around. Hang in there my friend.

    Cath
    "Practice makes perfect so be careful what you practice."

  5. #5
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    Hi, I just read your post. I am new to this forum. I am sorry to hear that you go through this severe case of agoraphobia. I am a 19 f and I am starting to get it for the past 4 months worse and worse. I am able to go out of my house for the sake of school and work, but I dread it soo bad. I used to be normal and do everything and enjoy to go out and deal with people, but I am a sales person, and i get panic attacks as soon as someone approaches me. I can only imagine how painful this is to you. Have you tried seeking help? I am trying to seek help but I can't get myself to go to the doctor bc the though of a busy waiting room. But I promised myself I would. Well, hang in there, you have too much to lose and your family needs you. You are lucky to have someone who understands you so well. I hope that you get better and can return to the self who enjoys to do all the fun things in life again.
    "People's Negativities Are Their Disabilities"

  6. #6
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    Mish, I came here searching for people with similar problems. I suspect that I am beginning to develop this as well. Over the past year, it has been increasingly difficult for me to leave the house. My friends are starting to notice it as they can never seem to get me to come out anymore.

    But I wanted to offer you a suggestion...as it has somewhat eased my pain of not being able to leave the house. It is, by no means, a cure but has somewhat helped me live with this.

    There is a vast amount of online gaming. Places where other people come together to play/live in online worlds. These usually vary from sci-fi to fantasy. But through these, I have begun to "feel" like I can still experience life, meet people, explore, craft things, have fun and chat. I'm not saying this could help you, but it has helped me. I don't feel the anxiety like I do in real life and I have been able to make new friends and associate with people. I spend approx 8-10hrs a day there, it makes me feel like I am alive again and productive.

    You can check out this link which lists many online games. The one I am playing is called Horizons which has a more mature and adult community. Perhaps one will fit your likings and interests. And maybe it may help you as it did me to just get through the days and regain the feeling of experiencing life again.

    http://www.mmorpg.com

    I wish the best for you. Take care.

  7. #7
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    Baby Christy, Do everything you can to beat it NOW. I have always had excessive fear, panic and worry, but haven't been completely disabled with panic AND agoraphobia until about the last 5 years or so. I am thankful that it didn't hit hard until fairly recently. You are way too young to have to live this way. I have heard a few success stories about people who have used the program from the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety. I believe it was founded by Lucinda Bassett. They have a 24/7 toll free #: 1-800-944-9428 and will send the program risk free for 30 days for I think $9.95. I'm thinking about it. They have a pretty good success rate. You should try this, 19 is just WAY to young. I at least got to experience life fully for about 40 years. Good luck little one.

    DISowned, thanks for the suggestion. I'm really too old for computer games (I am a grandpa). I stay busy around the house cooking, cleaning and playing my guitar. Boy, am I ever getting good on the guitar! I play 2 to 3 hours a day...love the blues! I've been playing for 35 years but I've never been as good as I am now...practice....lots of it! I also buy and sell on Ebay (mostly guitar stuff). It's fun and interesting and you may even make a buck or two. Another good home hobby for me is trading futures/commodoties. It can be quite profitable but it's risky. It can make you feel like you are a part of the world and it's fun learning about it.

    This disease WILL consume you. I think we just have to take it day to day and live in hope, and, do the best we can to feel like we are living! Good luck everyone!!

  8. #8
    Junior Member
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    Dec 2005
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    Hi Mish and everyone... I just stumbled upon this site and I've been coming to the realization that what I have is agoraphobia too. I'm 41 and I'd say I'm in the beginning stages right now. I had many panic attacks about 5 years ago and I read back then that omitting caffine and Equal (aspartame) from my diet would really help, and it did. The actual panic attacks stopped... but the anxiety of having another one still hangs around with me. I get very anxious if I'm going to a concert or a movie or a large group gathering of any kind. I don't like to drive on the highway anymore and I'll go out of my way to take the back streets. I don't like to be trapped in line at any kind of drive through window, etc. If I leave home without my cell phone I will turn around and go back to get it, no matter how far I've already traveled. I really don't like to drive much at all anymore but I'm managing. My husband is great and he drives most places and I feel safe with him. He doesn't know the extent of my problem yet because I'm just finding out myself that there is a name for it. He does know I have some fears tho.

    Mish... your case sounds very bad. Have you looked at any causes such as diet, excercise and smoking? There's tons of info online. I've read that chain smoking (cigarettes) can cause it too. There are many things that people can omit from their diet & lives besides caffine that can really help and I'm going to start following a bunch of the suggestions I've just discovered to see if they'll work for me.

    But what I wanted to tell you, Mish, is that after I read your post I felt bad that you quit your job and felt useless to your family at home. Please don't feel that way because there are things you can do from home to earn $$$. I quit my job about 6 months ago and I became a full time Power Seller on Ebay. It's a perfect job for an agoraphobic! LOL I buy wholesale & liquidation lots and then sell on Ebay, all via the computer. I'm making a good living but you will need some cash to buy your first lot ($500-$1000).

    I think you said in your first post that you used to work in purchasing, so maybe Ebay is something you should look into for yourself to give you some purpose & hope. The postman picks up the packages at your house and you really don't need to go anywhere. Inventory, postage, office supplies, everything can be done and ordered online now. If you want more info, send me a PM and we'll talk more about it. You, or anyone else. Of course I wont profit in any way and I wouldn't want to... I just thought it might help you to feel needed, productive and part of the world again.

    Take care!!!
    JackieB

  9. #9
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    Jackie, that's really cool you can work from home, and great that you offered to help Mish out =)

    Good advice on the caffeine, sugar, and smoking stuff too.. those things are baaad for us anxiety sufferers. hehe

  10. #10
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    Dec 2005
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    Hi JackieB,

    I just read your post about selling on eBay from home. As an agoraphobic, this is something I was considering myself, but I'm not quite sure how to get started. You said you buy wholesale & liquidation lots and then sell stuff on eBay...where do you buy or look for the liquidation lots to purchase...how do you do it exactly?
    Anyway, I think it's a terrific idea, and I'm glad it's working out for you. I know how much this 'condition' can alter one's lifestyle and the everyday things...but it's something we must fight and overcome...much love to everyone...

 

 

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