Hello! So I'm new to this site, I literally just joined 5 minutes ago. haha. So forgive me if I'm doing something wrong in terms of where I'm posting what. But I was hoping that someone here could maybe help me out or at least relate a little to what I'm experiencing.

So about a year and a half ago, I started having these mysterious, debilitating health problems. I became incredibly anxious over them after not getting answers and convinced myself that I had something terribly wrong with me and was going to die. So in order to cope, I started trying to make myself okay with death - really seeing it as a good thing. But it didn't really help my anxious thoughts at all and ended up just messing with my thinking, throwing me into this existential mindset (that I still feel like I'm in and I can't control it). I started having panic attacks around this time, or what I assumed were panic attacks, ie. getting really scared out of nowhere, lightheaded, tense, more frequent and worse while driving. And my anxiety became generalized to where I couldn't even leave my room. I thought that I was going crazy and was so afraid of losing control of myself. This kind of came out of nowhere after I started worrying about my health so much, doing so much research and thinking so much about life and death. I think I just really overwhelmed myself. But ever since, it's been this constant feeling of crazy. I'm coherent, I can function normally, but I feel like my mind is just so messed up and things don't feel real, I always question everything -- when someone tries to explain the meaning of life, I cannot comprehend it and end up repetitively thinking things like "what does the word 'life' even mean?" and it goes on and on. It's like my mind is stuck in this setting and I can't fix it. I often feel like I'm just going crazy. But I've been over this in therapy, and of course if I WERE crazy, I wouldn't be aware of it. I'm just afraid of GOING crazy. And I'm afraid that I'll never be fixed and I'll never figure out an answer to this. I haven't left my room all summer. It's like... depression mixed with anxiety mixed with this "crazy" feeling which may or may not include derealization. I don't even know. I'm so scared, though. (I'm 21 and a female, by the way. if that matters.)