(I apologize for the length of this assessment of my symptoms, but I feel more explanation will bring to fruition better advice )
Hello everyone, first post, and I don't really know anyone here, so I thought I would ask for the outside perspectives... I have a family history of anxiety, OCD, and other mental illnesses. Right now, it has gotten to the point where I feel like I'm trapped constantly, and I am only happy when I don't have to experience the work environment. I'll explain my symptoms:
1. First of all, I have OCD. Ever since a certain age, around 8 or 9 (And I can't remember a significant event that triggered it), I started having it. I would have to think things perfectly, or force myself to rethink them. I used to say my prayers constantly, until I said them perfectly. Since I was little, it has evolved into more torturous means. If I think a "bad" thought of any kind, hear of people who I deem "bad", or touch something that the aforementioned "bad" people touched, I have to wash my hands. And I don't mean wash, I mean simply touch the soap. I've been trying to get over this, but it is very hard, considering it has been with me for so long.
2. I just recently got my license, because all through high school I was too afraid to drive. I didn't have initiative or ambition to learn, but I would always wish that I could skip the learning part and just be good at it from the start, if that makes sense. I kind of looked at it as a dream of sorts, where when I woke up I would be a proficient, fearless driver. Instead, I stayed home and played video games, and got my friends to pick me up wherever I went. Now, I'm 19, and finally have gotten a license, and a car. However, the car is not in my name, as my grandpa paid for it, and now I have to pay him back, which means I have to get a job. This leads into the third point.
3. I hate jobs. I hate everything about them, and don't feel I'll ever enjoy them. Risking sounding arrogant, I consider myself intelligent, and therefore deem myself too good for what I consider "grunt" work--Construction, dishwashing, that kind of thing. I apologize if I offend anyone by that, but it is just how I feel. It would probably be better to say I don't think I'm cut out for it. But, knowing all of this, I decided to bide my time, and pick my job carefully.
I like to cook, I'm not very good at it, but I thought I would enjoy a restaurant job. My first job was at a restaurant, as a dishwasher. It paid 8.50 an hour, and had full time hours and benefits, including free meals. The managers were incredibly nice, a lot of coworkers were Spanish, but I didn't feel like I fit in with any of them. They just didn't seem interesting to me, in any sense of the word. So, because of that, the gentleman has to fake his pleasantries, yet on the inside he is thinking how he would much rather be at home, sitting in his room. I had 2 weeks of training for the job (as it was an unopened restaurant, until it opened), and had about 2 shifts actually dishwashing--one for a real restaurant (my OTJ training), and one at our newly opened restaurant (a soft opening). Every day, from my first orientation, to the last day on the job, I felt sick. I would wake up feeling sick to my stomach, I would be extremely nervous, and I wouldn't be able to eat. I felt that if I ate, I would probably get sick, and so I wouldn't eat until I got home. I had no appetite at all! Needless to say, the steam, recklessness of the servers, splashing food, strange anxious nausea, and incompetence of the other workers made me hate it, and I quit.
I gave 2 weeks notice, but the manager told me that I didn't have to worry about it, if I wasn't cut out for it, I wasn't cut out for it, and said I could use him as a reference. I was very sad after quitting, and cried on the way home. When I look back, I think it was because I essentially quit my only source of income, and hated the fact that I would have to eventually get another job. Then, I went into a dormant period, where I stayed in my room for the majority of the time, putting off searching for another job. I still had the bill to repay my grandpa, and because I live with my grandparents, I dreaded going downstairs; because I would hear about it every day or every other day.
I wouldn't drive anywhere to take in applications; I don't know if it was out of fear or sheer refusal. After I quit my first job once I completed 2 actual shifts, I felt guilty for a while, but then I felt normal. The OCD was still there, and was a huge part of my life (but it has always been like that, so I didn't feel physical nausea or nervousness). However, this was short-lived, as after a few months I *had* to get a job. So, just a few days ago I got hired at Barnes and Noble. The interview process didn't make me nervous, although driving there did. I put off turning in physical applications, as I didn't want something to happen. I don't think I fear death necessarily, but I fear getting lost, crashing, and the like, even though I'm a pretty good driver, and I have a GPS (because I thought it was a "necessary requirement").
Anyway, I finally drove to Barnes and Noble, and turned in my application. As I turned it in, the manager looked over it, and asked me to come in the following Monday for an interview. So, I did, and through the interview I wasn't particularly nervous. I wouldn't say I'm nervous around people--I can always maintain eye contact, I always find a way to joke with people and come off friendly, and I rarely "don't know what to say". However, as soon as he asked me if I wanted the job, of course I said yes.
On the way home, I had feelings of excitement, for I could now tell my grandparents the news. I told them the news, and didn't feel too upset or nervous. Then, when I went up to my room as was under the fire of my own personal machinations, I started to become incredibly anxious. I had an overwhelming amount of butterflies in my stomach, I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't eat. I didn't want to go to work, and I didn't want to be subject to the pressures of working. I know the job isn't necessarily hard, but I always have this impending doom feeling all of the time. I feel like I have a severe need to "get out" of the job, and return back to whence I came. Everyone at the job is nice to me, and my first day didn't go as bad as I had once thought, but that didn't save me. Every day in my training I'll have a new challenge to meet, and no day will be the same. In that sense, I feel terrified of what is going to happen. I don't want to go back, and I am wishing that I could just stay in this room, and do nothing, unless I want to do it of course. I'm a writer, and I wouldn't mind sitting home writing all day what I want to write, and what I want to do.
I don't like the idea of being on someone else's schedule, doing someone else's tasks, and getting paid a paltry sum to do it. It's less than my other job, but this one isn't nearly as hectic, steamy, or gross. They continuously tell us to sell Memberships, and I don't like badgering people. It's not so bad, because if they say no, you just move on. But, they made it sound like in order to get more hours you would have to sell more Memberships. More Memberships = more hours, and more hours = more money.
As of right now, it is only part time, and I only *have* to work 3 days a week. I don't have a set schedule, and I've been torturing myself trying to get up before 7 am in order to be able to accept the shelving training shift they offered. Eventually I will *have* to get up, as my shift will be mainly those hours. I hate that, as I am a night person! I feel like I could be making excuses to back out, as it is just a job in the grand scheme of life, and jobs, money, material possessions and titles are meaningless. The sad thing is, I can't enforce this mantra upon myself! So, tomorrow I have to work my second shift, and I am off today (yesterday was my first day).
As soon as I got home, when I talked about it to my grandparents it wasn't that big of a deal. On the way home, it wasn't that big of a deal. However, when I got up to my room, and was allowed to think by myself, I felt nauseous, anxious, and scared. I was scared I wouldn't wake up on the proper time, I didn't want to go back to work ever again, and I definitely felt sick even after eating a small dinner. And the funny thing is, I was starving...
So today I am off, and am on 2 hours of sleep trying to adjust my schedule to where I wake up at 5:45 or 6 AM. I hate that thought, but I feel as if I *HAVE* to keep the job to pay off my debt to my grandpa, as this is my second chance, and I better not screw it up. They never sounded angry or responded with anger, but I know they must have been disappointed when I quit the first job in August, and would be doubly so if I quit this job.
So, after my story of my current events, I'll sum it up.
--I quit my first job at the end of the second day of work. I felt guilty on the way home, but felt normal (whatever that means) after a few weeks
--I have OCD, where I have to touch the soap just to be able to continue daily routine. I sometimes walk back and forth 5-10 times to the bathroom and the hallway if I have a thought that I deem "bad" or "wrong".
--I now have a job, but I feel incredibly anxious, nervous, nauseous, and have a lack of an appetite. I don't want to go back, ever. Not just to this job, but any job!
--I have good people skills, as I can talk while maintaining eye contact, can be really friendly and humorous, and am not worried about that aspect.
--I want money, but I can't stand the thought of adjusting my schedule to be able to do it. I don't want to *deal* with people, answer phones or run the cash register. I get angry and pissed off when I think about it.
--I get angry at myself for having these emotions, but I also get angry at my coworkers (I definitely NEVER show it) because they are nothing like me, and I can't stand the process of feigning interest in what they have to say.
--I believe I have ADHD, because I constantly fidget, my mind races 500 miles per second, and when people are talking to me I pace or physically step back and forth. It is very challenging for me to read a book, because my concentration is almost impossible to control.
If there are any harsh judgments based on what I have said, I don't mind. I know it comes off as arrogant that I don't care what coworkers have to say, what their agendas are, and so forth. I hate drama, I despise talking about stupid things with people (for example I talked about dogs during my lunch break on my first job, because I was stuck in the room with two 45+ year old women. That annoyed the hell out of me!). Granted, I *acted* like I cared, or that I was interested, when all I really wanted to do was go home and avoid all this nonsense I have gotten myself into. I don't know what to do, because I want to get rid of these constant feelings of anxiousness, fear, nausea, OCD, and so forth. However, I think it is just the way I am not to care about the petty ongoings of people who don't interest you (a reason I hate celebrity drama...it is so parasitic in my opinion to report news on someone's private life). And so, I ask you all, what can I do? What should I do? I have no idea if I will keep this job or not, because it is torturous to even think about working! I wish I could just get back to normal, and have a carefree life. Of course, I'm not sure *any* measure of that will help me care what my coworkers, friends, etc. say. Oh well.
If you read this far, thank you very much. It took a long time to write this, and I have explained what I can recall about my symptoms. There are much more details, of course. If you need those, or want to know them, simply ask and I will respond as best I can.
Thank you again,