So here it goes, I have a lot to explain. Please read whole thing! Sorry!
Let's start back in 2006 when I was 15. I was a regular 15 year old, I had general anxiousness, panic attacks were few and far between, but I had them a few times, since my very first when I was 8. I started drinking by then (this is relevant and i'll explain)
The summer of 2006 I had scheduled a surgery on my feet. As it got closer to the date, I started to feel very scared, thinking of all that could go wrong. Needless to say, I lived, and everything was ok. I was supposed to have both feet operated on, but they apparently found a fly in the room, and aborted, only getting one foot done, sending me home with pain meds and an antibiotic -preventative. The next day, I took one of the antibiotics without thinking twice about it. For some reason, I'll never understand, that pill sparked something in me. I felt the pill like enter my system or something, suddenly I had tingles and numbness in my arms and lips, I was absolutely SURE I was having a reaction or something. Turns out I was having the most severe panic attack I've ever had. From that point, I became scared of pills, alcohol, and briefly, food. I lost TONS of weight because I thought I was going to be poisoned by my food or something. Anyway, after months of dealing with that, I got over the food thing, gained weight back etc.. But never really got over the pills or alcohol, and severe anxiety attacks became a very close friend of mine. Well it's been years, and though I have still been struggling with it, I have come to an understanding with it, and learned to talk myself down. That is, until earlier this year.. say around, April or so. Around April, I started to notice that I was getting full way faster than normal. Like I would eat my normal portions, at my normal pace, but after 5 minutes or so I would feel super bloated, like I was going to explode! I didn't understand.. I wasn't eating THAT much. So as time passed, I started to eat less, and less. Then came the panic attacks. I started to lose my grip on it. Days at a time I was feeling panic about eating because I didn't like the way it made me feel, and I was scared there MUST be something wrong with me.. I have no appetite. So two e.r visits, and a doctor later, nobody has any physical evidence as to why I can not eat, and they blame depression and send me away with a prescription. I HAVE A FEAR OF PILLS! I am not going to take that. Anyway, after feeling so much anxiety and being malnourished from not eating(and losing 15+ lbs in a short period of time), at one point, it felt like my stomach acids became lava, and eating didn't even taste good. Then came the sensations through the left side of my body, and itching in my nose and(left) palm, specifically after eating. Doctors give me strange looks when I explain that one. My condition has evolved. I am slowly getting back to eating, but now I feel very... Alien. I'm well acquainted with fear and anxiety, and I can deal with it. Not this though, I've become completely out of touch with my emotions. I suddenly cannot feel anything. The only thing I can really feel is irritation. My boyfriend hasn't liked the way I am toward him, and he notices the lack of connection between us now. I haven't even had a sex drive, and even my period is nowhere to be found, like I'm not producing any hormones. I feel like a robot. Nothing sounds fun, I have no desire for anything. I went on vacation to a lake for a week, and barely experienced it. No adrenaline whatsoever on the boat, or while on the tube, which usually really makes me feel ALIVE. I don't care about much. Things in my life no longer seem familiar, lots of brain fog. Passions are gone, I've always been a very passionate person. It's like I know things, but can not feel them. Does that make any sense? I do not feel like myself at all. Also, night time is when i feel the worst, I get jolted awake every time I fall asleep, and my thoughts race, and I have very little control over it, even attempting deep breathing, and counting, my heart still POUNDS and I get no real rest. I have never experienced anything like this before in my life. I'm scared I'll never feel "normal" again. Why did I lose my appetite in the very first place? I don't get it!
P.s. This year has been a little crazy -New and stressful job, braces put on, wisdom teeth removed, Grandmother died..etc. But I WAS dealing with these things well, I had a general positive outlook on life, and was feeling very determined, until I went downhill.
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Originally Posted by Megpie4525
I'm happy you've at least come to a point to be able to take tylenol! When I get a headache, people think I am so weird, because I refuse to take anything for it. I'm also thankful knowing someone understands such a phobia.
Anxiety just stinks!! Feeling detached from reality is a symptom of anxiety. I know your scared of pills, but it really sounds like you need something to help you with the symptoms. You don't have to be on them permanently. I don't have the same anxiety as you ( mines all about my health), but there are some things I can relate to. You should seriously think about meds and a counselor ( if you don't already have one). Taking the first pill is the hardest part, once you get over that hurdle it gets easier.
