Another relationship thread.

[Mike9710]

Hopefully this thread fits in. Just looking to see if I'm alone in this situation.

I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for relationships. I have a very sweet, loving, and giving girlfriend, but between my anxiety, fatigue, my type A personality and everyday stress, I feel absolutely smothered.
My girlfriend's need for physical closeness, physical touch and dependency is something I have never experienced in previous relationships and it drives my anxiety to levels that would not normally be. When this happens I get anxious and angry immediately and this adds to my stress. I don't know what to do other than get out of the relationship, but all in all she's a great girl. Maybe we just aren't compatible, I don't know.
Have any of you had this happen? How do you function in a relationship when you get worked up and anxious so easy. It really doesn't seem fair for either person. Any advice?

edit: also, when I am having anxiety over other situations I prefer to back up from whatever the cause and be alone. If I cannot, I get angry easily. Having a companion doesn't seem to allow for me to back up and breath, so I always seem to get angry with her which is not fair for her.

[streakybacon]

Sounds like a difficult situation have you talked with her about it? It could be the anxiety making you short tempered (i would get snappy wen anxious) or it could be something else

[DustingMyselfOff]

I'm the same way and it was frustrating and painful for both me and my husband for a very long time. Finally we got it all out on the table and he finally understands the way I am, the things I need, the things I don't need, etc. and I have learned the same about him. We now respect each other's needs as much as possible and try to fulfill them for each other. But basically when I'm feeling anxious I tell him I "need some space" and he either takes off to another room for a few hours or goes to run some errands.

Can you perhaps explain it to her the way you explained it to us so she'll not take it personally when you need to push her away for a while?
Sue

[Mike9710]

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, I have talk with her about it on a weekly basis, which makes me even more angry. She also tells me her needs, which at the moment, with fatigue, exhaustion..etc, unfortunately are polar opposite from mine.

Sue, what you say your husband does by leaving you alone for a few hours, she has never done. We don't live together so I do get alone time, but it's not enough at times and she doesn't understand that.

She told me she feels like you should spent every possible minute with each other. That in my opinion is not healthy. I feel like need to be an a$$ on a daily basis to maintain, but that is wrong and it's not my nature. I also know that some of it is anxiety at times that drives this frustration.

[Lin]

We have been married for 28 years but every time I have had post natal depression it has caused us serious relationship problems. Luckily those hormone imbalances only last 5-6 months but this hormone imbalance has already lasted over 2 years because of my age and we are really struggling.
He doesn't understand depression because he has never had it and does not understand women's hormone pmt problems at all.
In 2011 he went to carer support and was much kinder towards me but has refused to go since, but next week I have arranged for him to meet my mental health nurse and hoping he will get some help again.

At the moment I can't control my temper and he gets so fed up with doing jobs I used to do that he criticises, mocks and laughs at me or gets frustrated when I show any signs of anxiety.

At tines I see hatred in his eyes it has got so bad during the last 2 years,

We have always argued because we are stubborn but my depression and anxiety just blows our home and social life out of the water.

I have been trying to control temper with techniques i have been taught and have been pushing my head to do some more of the jobs lately, but he never seems to appreciate the effort I make, so it just makes me angry again - a vicious circle.

[Mike9710]

Well, I see I'm not alone on this one atleast. I have a temper problem too, that I thought diminished as I've gotten older, but in the past few months I've been seeing the old temper return.
To be honest, I haven't told her about me having anxiety because I could usually manage fairly well, but lately I haven't had the "me" time to back up and re coupe because of the new relationship. That being said, I am seeing a snowball effect happening for sure.

[DustingMyselfOff]

I didn't realize this was a "new" relationship..... that makes it even more difficult.

I'm not sure you have the time or energy right now to commit to developing a healthy relationship with anyone. Right now you need to focus on YOU. If you two were further along I would strongly urge you explain your anxiety, try to get her to read some of the posts on here about how badly we suffer with anxiety, and hope that she understands that your mental health has to come first.

If you are not very deep into this relationship yet (as in can't imagine living without her) then I would think about taking a "break" for a while. If she is mature and genuinely interested in you she will still be there when you are ready and have the energy to work on a relationship. I am never one to suggest a couple separate, but if this is just casual dating, it might be better for both of you to "cool it" a little, at least temporarily. Wouldn't you rather spend your time with someone who DOES know about your anxiety and can accept it's limitations, or, if not, wouldn't you rather be alone?
And regarding my husband respecting my need for space, it didn't happen overnight - it took marriage counseling.
Sue

[MMA_Matthew]

Hi Mike9710, I have read some of your previous posts and you seem like an intresting guy. I thought I'd reply to this post as I can relate to some of what your talking about. Let me start of in saying I have a temper when anxious too specially if I feel I'm backed into a corner emotionaly,verbally or mentaly. I don't believe you are not ready for a relationship. In my opinion I think even if you are going through a bad patch of anxiety you can still maintain a relationship. To acomplish this thought you need to be with someone that understands you at your worst, from what you have said in your posts I do not believe this girl does. She seems to emotionally dependent on you and need suppourt and confrimation from you that you love her almost all the time. I would advise you to cut the cord so to speak as soon as you can and find someone who is not so needy. In know way is this your fault or really to do with your anxiety. I believe if she wasent so needy and was able to understand at your worst you need time to yourself with space you would not even have made this thread. Keep searching eventurlly you will get the right one. Hope everything goes well regardless on what you choose to do about this situation. (Sorry for spelling mistakes and grammer errors I am posting from a device that won't let me spell check in the internet browser window)

[DustingMyselfOff]

OK, I agree that my saying "I'm not sure you have the time or energy right now to commit to developing a healthy relationship with anyone" may have been a bit severe. If you feel like you're in a place that you'd like to share some of your time (and your life) with someone, then by all means go for it. But as Matthew said, it would be ideal if it were with someone who loved and understood you at your worst, but, honestly, you can't expect that from a NEW relationship. I mean, would any of us try to explain our anxiety issue to someone that we're just starting to date? If you're already in a relationship when the anxiety rears its ugly head then it's easier to share it with your partner, but since you haven't even talked to your girlfriend about it, it's obvious you're not that close to each other. Maybe try to explain it to her and if she can't help you work through this, then you'll both know this wasn't meant to be.

I wish you luck in whatever you do. I have one of the most loving, understanding, supportive husbands now but there are still times when I wish I could just be ALONE to deal with this.

Sue

[Lin]

I think you have to decide if she is worth all the hassle to you at the moment or not. If she is, then you have to try to get her to give you some head time away from her, and explain how she is not helping you and hurting your being with her. If she does not understand when you explain, then I think you should think twice about her being the right person for you at the moment.
However, if you think that you really don't need the hassle at the moment and could be alright without her, then it might be best to give yourself some space. If she is the right one, it will come alright in the end and she will come back.
If she is not the right one, once you are feeling a bit better you will be able to find someone who will try and understand you and care about you in the way you need her to.
So just decide what is best for you, not her, and then decide what to do.