Horrible emotions in pit of stomach... anxiety, depression or something else?

[Lin]

Lin, Yes Menopause or Perimenopause is horrific. I don't remember our mothers suffering like this. Most feel it is because of the added hormones in chicken and beef ( causing all sorts of problems with girls starting their periods to young etc. ). I don't know, it certainly is a battle but my recommendation to you is to put your husband, son, family first. At the end of the day work is just work, family and good positive friends are what you need. When your hormones are flying on one needs any added mind games or stress inducers. My head would always feel like that during Perimenopause and menopause, very tough. I felt horrible. But it is transient and will settle down, you really need to focus on that and remember no job in this world is worth your family or your life.My concern is that you took the two days of diazepam, that's a pretty loud cry for help given that our systems tolerate drugs differently day to day, what won't kill you on a Wednesday, just may cross the line and kill you on a Thursday. Marilyn Monroe by all accounts didn't actually want to kill herself, she did it by accident. Do you have a hotline or therapist that you can call when you are that close to the edge ? When someone gets that depressed they are in a black hole and even though there are people all around that hole reaching , extending a hand to try to pull them out, the sufferer just doesn't see that and more importantly doesn't feel that. Depression goes hand and hand with both anxiety and low self esteem. At this time we don't love ourselves and in fact we are beyond annoyed with ourselves. This is when it is critical that we step away from ourselves and be the kind empathetic observer. You need to look at the logic, it isn't you that has caused this, your husband loves you, he stays, some may not. Your son ? Well a son's love for his mother is immeasurable, he will someday choose a wife based on the qualities he loves in you. You have countless people that cross this Forum daily that support you..But most importantly you need to love you. Everyday count a blessing in your life and then count a blessing in another's life because you are here on this Planet. Know that every time you stand up to your fears and depression you have wrapped your arms around yourself ( self hugs ) and you will conquer this but you do need your " self "on your side. You need to surround yourself with some of your favorite things!

Thanks Judie. usually i do ring crisis line and stop myself but this time just had to do it. I even went and searched for my tablets which my husband keeps hidden.
i took twice as many as last time and if i hadn't felt so tired i think i would have carried on this time - head felt more like carrying on than ever before.
I thought i had handled work this first week back, and the extra pressure put on my head by new boss not welcoming me back with open arms but with warnings of redeployment if show signs of mental illness and not calm at all times. also thought she had made me realise work not important but home etc was - but as soon as got home on friday night the pressure continued and i had not left it at work or got over what she had said to me. so everything husband said built up the pressure to boiling point.

determined new boss is not going to win and i will, but it is taking its toll on my head at moment.

i have texted mental health nurse so he knows had bad weekend so will know if need his support this week. Also seeing him on friday so he will know already need help.

only 4 days at work to get through this week - got friday off to go on a retreat on conscious ageing. husband coming for first time too and hope away from all pressures it will do us good as couple and take pressure off my head for 4 days. after knee operations, and fall down concrete step yesterday straight on to my knees, i will not be able to walk lots so husband can go down to beach with camera and i can have some head rest sat in the lovely lounge looking at the sea.

So got break to look forward to, and come back to another 4 day work week and boss off some of that week so pressure at work should be less.

so know head bad at moment and know new boss reason for it and what said to me but determined to not give in until i want to not because of her or illness.

in a year or so hoping menopause will be over and don't want to regret giving up job then, but way going will have done because new boss will have pushed me!

[Lin]

There are moments when we feel like we've pushed someone else too far, when we actually have pushed ourselves too far, and it takes the pressure from one place to another and adds our heart into the mix. When we feel honesty, the difference between honesty and honorable is often a very fine line to walk. Once I accepted that my "too honest" was often the verbal response by others when differences were discussed, I started asking myself before I send a text, email, or respond to a question whether it was honorable. I'm learning, the more I pause before I speak in any way, shape, or form, the better the results are all the way around.
I use my journal to speak as honestly as I need to, it does not judge, nor does it add emotion, and by using it to work through the changes in my perspective, I'm able to make changes, that sometimes make things worse, however, it changes the way I view the situation, and I'm slowly healing.
We are valuable just the way we are, and we are changing the way we react, to improve our well-being, and in doing so, it will change the way others react, simply because their usual response will no longer fit.
Hope you feel better.

i usually use mood diary to get real feelings out of my head but stopped this week whilst back at work so perhaps that is why told a friend too much when usually know when to stop. I will go back to mood diary this week and see if helps again - thank you had not thought that might not have helped this week.

[scared44]

Lin, Yes Menopause or Perimenopause is horrific. I don't remember our mothers suffering like this. Most feel it is because of the added hormones in chicken and beef ( causing all sorts of problems with girls starting their periods to young etc. ). I don't know, it certainly is a battle but my recommendation to you is to put your husband, son, family first. At the end of the day work is just work, family and good positive friends are what you need. When your hormones are flying on one needs any added mind games or stress inducers. My head would always feel like that during Perimenopause and menopause, very tough. I felt horrible. But it is transient and will settle down, you really need to focus on that and remember no job in this world is worth your family or your life.My concern is that you took the two days of diazepam, that's a pretty loud cry for help given that our systems tolerate drugs differently day to day, what won't kill you on a Wednesday, just may cross the line and kill you on a Thursday. Marilyn Monroe by all accounts didn't actually want to kill herself, she did it by accident. Do you have a hotline or therapist that you can call when you are that close to the edge ? When someone gets that depressed they are in a black hole and even though there are people all around that hole reaching , extending a hand to try to pull them out, the sufferer just doesn't see that and more importantly doesn't feel that. Depression goes hand and hand with both anxiety and low self esteem. At this time we don't love ourselves and in fact we are beyond annoyed with ourselves. This is when it is critical that we step away from ourselves and be the kind empathetic observer. You need to look at the logic, it isn't you that has caused this, your husband loves you, he stays, some may not. Your son ? Well a son's love for his mother is immeasurable, he will someday choose a wife based on the qualities he loves in you. You have countless people that cross this Forum daily that support you..But most importantly you need to love you. Everyday count a blessing in your life and then count a blessing in another's life because you are here on this Planet. Know that every time you stand up to your fears and depression you have wrapped your arms around yourself ( self hugs ) and you will conquer this but you do need your " self "on your side. You need to surround yourself with some of your favorite things!

Very well said Judie!

[ally]

Hi how are you feeling today? Your post is like it was written by me! I have that awful morning feeling too and have little relief of the anxiety and depression until like you said the evening! it's horrific, I did think I was slightly improving in my mood etc but today it's back to how it's been for months I feel so sad and low, as I'm trying to write this I'm so shaky and have terrible palpitations, I'm worrying now that the quitapine I'm now on alongside the escitalopram isn't working and I keep needing to increase it? I'm on 75mg at the mo and 20 mg of escitalopram, trying really hard to come off the Valium but I'm struggling to not take one this morning? my life is on hold and it's a real struggle x

[scared44]

Hi how are you feeling today? Your post is like it was written by me! I have that awful morning feeling too and have little relief of the anxiety and depression until like you said the evening! it's horrific, I did think I was slightly improving in my mood etc but today it's back to how it's been for months I feel so sad and low, as I'm trying to write this I'm so shaky and have terrible palpitations, I'm worrying now that the quitapine I'm now on alongside the escitalopram isn't working and I keep needing to increase it? I'm on 75mg at the mo and 20 mg of escitalopram, trying really hard to come off the Valium but I'm struggling to not take one this morning? my life is on hold and it's a real struggle x

Hi Ally hope your well! Just read your post and see that your taking seroquel(quitapine) one of the most common side effects are racing heart, palps ect! I tried it last year and had to stop because of the affects on my heart. May be you need to try another medication... Just a thought. Anyway hope you get the help and support you need. Take care :-) xx

[ally]

Hi I'm not too good I've had to increase the quetiapine to 100 mg as of last night, last couple of days I've been really bad again after thinking I was turning a small corner, my anxiety is as bad as ever and the nausea too, terrible palpitations and just feel really shaky i feel really drowsy this morning but too agitated to sleep it off? I'd tried to stop the diazepram but now been told I may have tried too soon and should have done it more gradually, I just hate the thought of being do dependent on it have had such conflicting advice too, my thoughts are spiralling again and probably making me worse but I struggle to stop, I wish I could really improve and carry on improving I feel so lonely.

[MEGO]

It's really hard to put that feeling in to words, but everything you described is how i used to feel daily. I am now on effexor and do not feel this way everyday. It comes and goes but not nearly as bad as before. I do hope to change my meds soon or find some way to help with my anxiety and the stupid side effect of having no interest in men.
I hope that you can talk to your doctor and start treatment soon as it will help a great amount. Even with the side effects, its so much better than having that feeling in your stomach and truly wanting to end it.

[MEGO]

Ally, please dont feel alone. There are many people on here that are here to help. I can't make it stop for you, but perhaps you should try doing something relaxing that will hopefully take your mind off of things. Don't worry about becoming dependent on your medications, if they help you get through the day then its well worth it. Keep your head up, things will get better.

[ally]

Thank you, I'm just so scared, I m so exhausted too and feel so doped up its horrible, along side all this nausea and agitation, it's here again first thing and I dread the day ahead now I just can't enjoy things or play with my 2 year old, I feel so guilty, is this the illness or the medications, I have had such conflicting advise, I hate being me, and it's affecting my kids and husband, we have little support and i have no other family help