Insane, Unexplainable, Irrational Anxiety/Fear & Hyperchondria

[TomStyx]

Hey!

I'm new to this forum after viewing loads of posts online regarding Anxiety, Stress, Depression, Hyperchondria, Depersonalization, the whole shabang! Aha!

Well I'm a 21 year old male, over average physical build, 6ft, 4... all the unneeded stuff explained.

I will keep this brief as I know these sort of posts can get quite boring, hard to keep track of and answers can't be supplied due to too much information...

I am a Victim of extreme crippling health anxiety, scary impending-doom episodes following by out of this world depersonalization. It all started bang on New Years day this year, I was in the bath, as you do, feeling my gallows, as any man does & I come across, what I thought, was the worst. I have never, ever, ever in my life experienced a panic attack like this in my life. I was shaking, I never ever cry as I am quite emotionless when it comes to myself but don't get thinking I don't look after myself, I look after my surroundings more than myself, that's the image I'm trying to make.
I found a lump, On my left testicle, which at first, my mind was telling me it was on the testicle when in-fact It was on the epidermal (I was, 21 days later, diagnosed with a minor left 'Varicocele' which I believe has brought on a tiny blood-clot/spermatocele) I'n those 3 weeks I was waiting for my Ultrasound, I kid you not, I must of spent every-waking-hour on the internet researching symptoms of what it could be, fearing the worst. I don't even like saying the name because it makes me cringe and sick to my stomach, that's how bad it has become.

In those 3 weeks, the word followed me everywhere, the subject would get brought up at parties or gigs I would attend trying to escape my problems, only for them to flare up again and send me in a taxi home having a panic attack! I would switch on the television, weirdly somehow on an advert which is advertising charities, even stand-up comedy shows I could switch on straight to the point they're making a joke about the feared.

It seemed to have consumed my whole life, my whole social experience.

To the point, I am, as know, feeling insanely 'odd' - I don't know if I'm having bouts of depression, anxiety, different severity episodes of depersonalization which are all experienced as the rest. I am getting everything from scalp cramps, pressure point pains, bad back (due to my height it was going to happen at some stage due to my career and posture, which I believe has brought on prostatitis, as I'm getting creamy like discharge at the end of my urination, or this may be due to my Varicocele, no pain, no sting, I do get the odd anus cramp, or 'japs-eye' cramp... these aren't painful, but they make me cringe)

I have always overlooked my health as a teenager, When I was first 18 I was at a busstop with my then girlfriend, had a very quick, sharp pain in my head, didn't feel like a headache I had before, but it made me cringe, & worried. This at the time, is where my HA started. I was reading symptoms of brain tumours all over the shop, on my phone on bus journeys, I was checking street-lamps because I would check to see if my vision was consumed by 'auras' or halo's... It would get to the stage where I would ask my pals too see if they could see the "circular visionary experience" I could see and they could, which re-assured me... untill I was on my own.

and this seems to have brought it up all again. I've had everything from ALS, Leukemia, Sudden attack of a Stroke, everything!

What makes matters worse, for myself as an individual, Is the fact that my Dad is a gulf war veteran, he mainly only ever drove oil tankers, but he has always told me this story that he had 50+ injections in the army and only knew which 14 of them were. Of course this drives my brain into over thinking. I am seriously sick of it. I've had thoughts of suicide, running away, quitting my £17,000 a year job because all I'm concentrating on is what physical symptom I may get next.

I've had constant belches for about a week now, someday's are worse than others, I've unknowingly changed my diet, I'm eating 5 a day because I think whatever I may have can either be cured or slowed down by the nutrients of the food I'm consuming.

So yeah, I've mentally, got it really, really tough. I haven't spoke to any counsellers, took medication (oh btw, I've been a massive cannabis user since I was 17, come to think of it, I can't think of a day where I didn't at-least smoke a joint) I have now been 12 weeks cold turkey since new years day.

Now, I'm experiencing these, trance-like-states... I know what I'm doing, and I'm aware of my surroundings, I can carry on doing what I was originally doing, but I would get this, sudden, sudden urge too just day dream... that's all I can describe it as, this can last for literally 2-4 seconds, but if I close my eyes when I can feel myself starting to do it, it will pass, only to come back around not too long after & when I do let it take me, I wont experience it for a much longer period of time. I go and symptom check this... low & behold, petit mal 'seizures' which are apparently nothing to worry about, oh, and these very faint, split-second 'floaters' I seem to lose my concentration too.

I am, constantly, every hour of every day, telling my brain that these are all symptoms of my fear & extreme health anxiety. I don't smoke, never been a smoker but did use tobacco with my weed smoking. I can't tolerate alcohol, but I go out on those odd occasions, the 'soundologist' even scanned my kidney and said its in perfect shape.
Also, just for your guys knowledge (If you get this far then I sincerely, soulfully thank you, as I know you have been interested & I've making sense!)

I am, at my wits end, both my mom and my dads side have come from a, what do I call it 'good-batch' my moms mom & dad passing away at 85+, there 6 sons apart from 2 who has diabetes type 1 & the other having experienced a heart attack (you can't have a mild heart attack can you? he recovered out of it as he was on the motorway!) have never had any health issues.

My dads dad, passed away from Myeloid leukemia at 70, my dad never having any problems either and hes 45.

I just want help, I can feel myself losing my grasp of myself and doing something I really, really never imaginged I'd imagine!

Thank you for your time, & I am really interesting in, hopefully, some of the replies I am going to read!

- Tom!

[Brian Windham]

I can somewhat relate.
Years ago, a violent brain problem (Of which I can't say the word also) struck my mother while I was in the store with her. Thankfully, she was fine the day after, and suffered no after-effects (LUCKILY!). I was fine too, with absolutley no anxiety. Until she started describing how she felt before it happened. Most of what she said were severe forms of generalized symptoms. I started thinking and realized, I get these too (Only to find out much later that Everyone gets a mild version of these). I started to go into panic attacks, never realizing that panic was bringing on these symptoms. I saw many doctors, read articles, and was convinced that I was about to have it bad.
After a while, I became immobile and fearful of everything. Thankfully, with the help of councelors & rational thinking, I came better with anxiety over time, but still do have many fears (My first post contains them all).
Hearing that word also makes me cringe today, but I'm starting to pay more attention to those One-In-A-Million chances, and my anxieties are begining to fade more.

One thing that I've learned is that the best person who can help you is yourself. All the time, I'd block out what people say and stick to the irrational thoughts that swarmed my mind. The best improvements I've made are by listening to my innermost rational thoughts, and reassuring myself. It does help sometimes to hear other peoples stories of overcoming simmilar fears, because it gives you the hope that you can too.

One of the biggest warnings I can give you is: AVOID BEING AFRAID OF MORE THAN YOU ALREADY ARE. Fears have a tendancy to grow & evolve, making you fear things you do everyday. It is clear that you do fear several things, and all of which seem to be spawned from that one giant fear. If you feel that you're starting to fear something new, immediatley realize that it's irrational, and try as best as you can to abolish it before it becomes a main fear.

Hope this helps!

[vicky]

Hi Tom.

My story is very similar to yours. My doctor thought he found a lump (of the female variety!). He requested a scan, and those few weeks waiting for the scan, probably about 3 weeks like you say, were hell.

I wasn't at all worried at first, I had a baby last April and thought it would just be to do with that, but then GOOGLE took over my life. Before I knew it I was dying (in my mind). I even knew that my worry had gone that far, that even if the scans came back clear, I would still think I was dying, and I did. There was no lump found on the scans. I kept telling my doc that he needed to check other things, I was so convinced. Just when I thought I felt a bit better, I would get another 'symptom', and to me that just confirmed my fears. My anxiety caused many physical symptoms; muscle aches and tension, sharp pains all over my body, throbbing pains, extremely upset stomach, geographical tongue (or so I believe, I diagnosed it from google!), breathing difficulties, dizziness. I could not believe that anxiety had caused all that, so I thought something was seriously, seriously wrong. I made all of my symptoms 'connect' to each other. Like you, I am scared to say the name of the illness. But my fear was solely the big C.

I wanted to ring an ambulance or just turn up at hospital, but I knew they wouldn't do anything as it wasn't a medical emergency, I was so frustrated and scared.

I was worried how bad I would get as part of me thought it might be anxiety, so i went to the docs and he said anxiety, he wanted me to have counselling but I broke down as I knew this would take a while to start working so he gave me tablets. That still took 6 weeks-ish to really take effect.

I'm not saying to go out and get medication, everyone is different, but do go and get help.
I do have a few things that I am still concerned about, but I am definitely on the road to recovery. (watch this I'll prob be on here next week worrying about something new!).

Take care.