What do I do, please help me!!

[Personirl]

Hi, I'm a 15 year old boy suffering from anxiety, ADD and depression. I have a loving family which really cares for me and want me to be happy. What they don't know is how I feel though :/

My problems all started after a night of too much marijuana. I didn't have much experience with weed (neither did my friends) and I had never been high before so I didn't know what to expect, so I took 7 huge bong rips and what was supposed to be a chill day turned to a day in living hell. I had a terrible panic attack and not knowing what it was, i paniced even more and thought my heart was going to stop... The worst thing however was the physical feelings inside my head. I won't go into too much detail about this so yeah...The next day i was feeling pretty good but decided never to use weed again. A couple of Days later I was sitting in class and suddenly i got this intense fear ending up in a 2nd panic attack. By theb i knew what it was but i decided to skip the rest of the schoolday anyway and Went home to sleep. When i woke up the next morning, something seemed very very off. Nothing had depth to it, i didn't feel any emotions, i couldn't recall emotional feelings and my focus simply didn't exist. this made me question Everything and i became very paranoid.

Because I was unable to feel happy emotions, I became addicted to alcohol because of it making me feel better and it helped me forget past events in my Life (repeated last year in high school)
I ended up getting terribly drunk in the middle of Town (i can't really remember what happened, alcohol amnesia) and getting caught by the police and then i was picked up by my mom. We had a few discussions after that but I was thinking about committing suicide because I felt that my Life was a failure.

Luckily, after that I found my old ADD medicine (Methylphenidate IR, trademarked as Ritalin) and because I was so sad and had panic attacks from now and then I started taking them again(20mg a day) but after a while they stopped helping so i started upping the dose to feel energized and getting the motivation to do stuff.

For the past week or so now, I've been taking at least 80mg ritalin a day but here's what i feel like i'm 2 different people atm

On ritalin: able to Think positive about my depersonalization, derealization and other experiences
Off ritalin: suicidal, the derealization is killing me, i lay and cry in bed every night. Nothing is enjoyable and i just want to put myself out of my misery...

my problem atm though is that i Think i'm putting alot of strain on my heart by taking all the ritalin, i'm also probably failing this schoolyear too and i will have to go to boarding school. I've also noticed extreme fatigue and i am constantly hungry. The derealization is tolerable but i feel like a failure and i have heart palpitations all the time and sometimes my bpm is over 150 because of the ritalin. I don't want to live like this, i want to feel happy but i'm also afraid of running out of ritalin cause then i might commit suicide in despair. basicly my whole Life is a mess right now and i really need help cause right now i feel terrible. I haven't told anyone in my family btw cause i don't want them to feel guilty for me being a failure even though they are really nice and care about me. what do i do please help me

[trinidiva]

Wow, ok,you have me a little worried. If you sit your mom down, and just level with her, tell her you need her help, how do you think she will take it? I know parents can tend to lecture, but honestly, you don't need a lecture, you just need support.
First, let me tell you, nothing, nothing nothing is worth taking your life for. If you still get those feelings, please call your local suicide hotline. They have people who can provide support for you when you are feeling at your lowest point.
Is there any way that maybe your mom could get you an appointment with a counselor? Along with taking your meds, its good to see a therapist or counselor who can help give you the tools so eventually you can cope on your own, perhaps without the meds.

[weary]

I totally agree with trinadiva . You need to talk to to your mom and you need to see someone ASAP I have never had suicidal thoughts but know people who have and caved to them and see what their families go through after losing them. So please contact the suicide hotline and talk to your parents. I am praying for you and sending positive thoughts. Trinadiva is right

[alankay]

I agree with all the above but you need to let your doc run your meds. Take as rx'ed!!!! Pot did the same to me but I realized later anxiety was there all along and pot just allowed it to surface.
Anyway if you work with your folks and doc(s) you'll realize these things are best managed by health care pros and work with them with utter honesty. Again, let your doc run the meds and give it all time. You'll soon get to a better place. Alankay

[laurandisorder]

^^^^ What these guys said!

You need to see a doctor about your meds stat!! Did you know that anxiety is actually a super common co-morbidity of ADHD. I hate to say this, because people look for things to blame, but it has probably been inside you for a long time building it up and the horrible pot experience (I have had one too - ended up in the ER) made the anxiety explode out and now you are living in fear.

It sounds like you are open to medication, but I don't know what the consensus is in terms of prescribing to minors in the US. You could benefit from an antidepressant with similar properties to the Ritalin?

You have choices and being honest with your folks (and school) is the first step. Tell them about the hell you are living - they are probably worried sick about you! Talk to a school counsellor if you can. I'm a high school teacher and you wouldn't believe the percentage of kids with anxiety problems or related mental illnesses. You aren't alone. You shouldn't feel alone.

Good luck. Let us know how you go?

[Personirl]

Thanks everyone, i'll try and talk to the school counsellor Before i talk to my parents. My biggest problem is the derealization because Everything feels so dull and fake, my memory is a mess because i can't recall feelings and my concept of time is messed up. I'm also experiencing fatigue and intense hunger, even on medication, how would i fix the derealization and fatigue???

[timeismoney]

Hey personirl , i myself had an anxiety break down without the aid of any outside drug. It just occured do to stressors in my life. After the anxiety i then became suicidal and wanted to take my life. The build up of anxiety with some people can cause a chain reaction to having boughts of suicide. Im Trying to make a long story short for you. Ultimately i opened up to someone. First aunty then my other aunty, then grandma and family then they all contacted my mom. Everyone came to my aid. The next step after that i realizing that i had a problem, i came to my own aid and admmited myself into a psychiatric facility. Unless you are in the hands of a profesional you are in a vunerable state to commit suicide without your control. Just this month february 6th 2012 my old roommate killed himself. He kept his issues to himself. Thats the worst thing you can do. Ultamately you must not feel ashame for seeking help. Your first step should be to stop doing your own self assessment . Which is trying to figure out whats wrong yourself. And second trying to treat your problems alone. Im not judging you saying you are handling matters wrong but self assessment and self treatment can be done later after you get help. Step three can be to inform your family but do to the risk of you going maybe into a suicidal cave-in you can make step three contacting a psychiatric facility and then telling your family. U should not wait for the suicidal ideations to reach out for help, you must act first to counter attack this problem you are having. The phase you are going through now is common and its your body informing you to seek treatment. Its a self destruction siren going off telling you to seek treatment. Its your mind and body crying out for help .So everything you are going through is going as planned. Now you must stop reading this post and seek help. A lot of people dont get that warning they just up and kill themselves and maybe the warnings are there but they seek help to late. Please finish reading this and get help and come back and post your experience. By you doing this may save your life including my life and whoever else who may be going through what you are going through. Our problems may not be the same but we can relate to some level.

[bajablue]

Actually that should be "ADVICE" not advise. Anyway - That was good advice from our friend Mr. Money. Keeping it all inside is poison. Everything gets worse until we pull the top off the bottled up fears and start sharing. Even then, for most, nothing earth shattering happens over night. That is where meds come in. They smooth th edges and give you a chance - in a one on one situation with a therapist to examine the cause of your particular anxiety. Be strong and get help from those who are trained to do so.

[bajablue]

This is partly for our spiritual advisor Mr. Money: Psalms 94:22 "But he LORD is my defense; and my God is the rock of my refuge". A worthy way for me to end my forum participation for the night.

[timeismoney]

Thanx bajablue this new way of support is appreciative.