This might be a little lengthy.
I'm Raven and I am 16 years old.
I've been struggling with the usual depression/anxiety combo for a very long time. I have injured myself on multiple occasions, and have had many panic attacks. I am extremely apathetic towards life, and I have no long-term goals. I have this thing where I'm desperate to get out of the house and do something, but I don't want to because I have bad social anxiety and I get very paranoid in public places. Oddly enough, my friends and family see me as a very outgoing person. I can be very loud, witty, funny, and all-together a fun person to be around. I feel as though I am two different people. One person is very scared of life, very anxious, quiet, depressed confused and lonely, and the other person is vivacious, lively and ready to take on the world. I haven't gotten my driver's license yet because I am very afraid of driving, and I haven't gotten a job because I get nervous talking to people (although you could never tell, externally I seem extremely confident in the presence of strangers). My grades are okay, but I could do better. I'm always too tired to study or do homework, or I procrastinate. There are two voices in my head that are always battling each other. Every thought, idea, or opinion I have, something in my head says "Why would you do that? Why are you thinking that? That's ridiculous." It is getting extremely frustrating. My moods fluctuate drastically, all the time. Sometimes I will feel insanely confident in myself, like I'm better than everyone around me. Other times, I will loathe myself entirely. I drink a lot of alcohol whenever I have the chance, or smoke marijuana. I am willing to do other drugs if they're accessible. My mind is desperate to be in a different state. My relationships with others are always unusual. It's either I feel superior to them, to a point where I don't have much respect for them, or I feel inferior to them, to a point where I get angry at myself and I don't want to associate with that person. I idolize as well. I create an idea of someone in my mind and "fall in love" with the idea, but not the person. The thought of being romantically invested in someone else makes me uncomfortable. I have been known to do some promiscuous things (though I have only had sex once, under the influence of alcohol), and I have a history of taking my clothes off on webcam for strangers. I isolate myself from others frequently. I try to cry to make myself feel better, but I feel nothing. I'm slowly losing every emotion I once felt. I care about what others think of me too much. I try to please and impress everyone. My personality changes depending on who I am with. I want to die but I want to know what it's like to live without all of these things tearing me apart. I am miserable. Based on this description, what is wrong with me and how can I help myself?