Why am i afraid of sex?

[layne]

Righty, a bit of a delicate one for me, also a subject that rules quite the percentage of my anxiety currently.

Having sex, I think im afraid of it, and if anyone has any experience with this aswell please please share it with me.

Im not a virgin, I lost my virginity to a man I loved an it was all very well, I have severe body issues though that never let me fully relax when it came to sex, everything else I'm fine with, blow jobs foreplay etc... Fine. Infact I spent quite alot of time homing my oral skills because of my reluctance to have sex, an that's seen me through many a moment. My boyfriend at the time never pressured me to have sex, he didn't know why I don't want it, but he accepted it all the same.
After we broke up I went through the 'let's go out drinking and meet men' faze. And it all started to feel like Normality, I had a couple of one night stands, and a couple of semi serious relationships. I could sleep with the strangers, but not my boyfriends.

Then I had a one might stand with a barman I absaloutley adored, and got pregnant, I'm not against abortion, I never have been, I just always had that rather arrogant view of 'I'll never put myself in that postion' and I did. I was 19 at the time, had just been kicked out of home and I knew that despite the fact that it would break my heart to have a termination, it was the absaloute right thing to do.

I had the abortion 5 years ago, and haven't had sex since. It's almost like I put up the biggest, most fail proof wall that would mean I would never ever have to go through that again.

But in doing so I've cut myself off from maturing sexually, which in turn has given rise to anxieties about ever having it again.

Every romantic encounter I have these days is a mixture of me wanting them at first, flirting, and then the second they like me back, and I know what they want to do next, the anxiety kicks in, and all of a sudden all I want is to get away from that person and not have them like me anymore.

Has anybody had a similar tug of war type feeling when it comes to people? And any suggestions in how to overcome it?

[Motheroftwo]

Your situation its a little different, but I think by reading, your anxiety may be stimming from the abortion you had rather then fear of sex. Could it be that maybe deep now your afraid of being in that situation with another unplanned pregnancy?

Me on the other hand, I get severe anxiety in places I cant escape from, so sex makes me a little nervous, because if I start to feel a little anxious during sex, I just cant stop and run away, how embarrassing that would be!

The trick is to NOT just stop, the anxiety will increase 10 fold.

[lottietucker]

I'm afraid of sex too. With me I feel very self conscious, (i have body image issues), can't relax and my drugs make it impossible virtually for me to reach climax. You're not alone with your fear. I'm on a dating site ATM trying to find Mr Right but I'm anxious I'll get rejected if I say no to sex. It's so difficult. But I don't really enjoy it because I'm so uptight. Don't know how to overcome it - sorry. But you're not alone.

[KeepFighting]

You are not alone, fear of sex is a big part of my social anxiety and depression. I feel the exact same thing regarding the "tug of war," although you seem to be more comfortable in the early stages than me (flirting, etc). I feel intense anxiety throughout pretty much the entire encounter unless I am drunk, but when I do get to the point where sex is a possibility m vicious cycle kicks in and I just want to leave.

One way I have coped with this is just telling the girl what is going on. I typically cannot have sex until months into a relationship, but once I do I can get comfortable with certain positions. This might be harder for you as a girl, but maybe you just need to find the right guy. Girls are very understanding with me, but it has the unfortunate byproduct of creating a more serious relationship than was intended.

Are you on birth control? Perhaps that would help ease your fear of getting pregnant again, as would demanding that any man you have sex with wear a condom. I think talking about this issue with potential partners is crucial. You certainly need not mention about the abortion, just the fear of sex. You will probably be able to find some supportive people who will give you time and not think it's a big deal. If possible, it might be best to confide in a guy who you are friends with but attracted to, and not someone who you just meet, because the guy you just meet might just want to have sex, try to pressure you or convince you, and that would be counterproductive I think. Ultimately, the best way to overcome this is probably by actually having sex and experiencing that nothing bad needs to happen.

Good luck, and don't give up. For what it's worth please let me offer you my support. If you would like to talk, feel free to message me. I hope it helps to know you are not alone in your feelings, although I know it's different because I am male, but believe me I know how much it sucks. Take care.

[ananxiousgirl]

Me, too. Fear of sex...comsumes me.

[ananxiousgirl]

You are not alone.

[anxiousaimee]

I have a fear of sex... but the worst part is, I'm in a relationship, and try to avoid/denial the issue. I'd say over the past 3 years I can count the number of times I've had sex with my partner on my two hands, and as a couple only 27yrs old, I know this is really bad. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks, but my partner is my rock, especially when I go outside or into social situations, so I can't figure out where my sex anxiety comes from, but I do everything in my power to avoid sex, and now it's a huge issue that neither of us talk about. The closest we got to talking about it was 2 months ago, we had sex and after agreed never to let it go that long again, that was 2 months ago, also the last time we had sex. I want to have sex, and have a normal sexual relationship, but as soon as anything happens that I think could lead to sex I put a big fat no stamp on it straight away in any way I can, I think I even over eat just so that I can use the, oh i'm so bloated and full excuse. doomed!

[cdelcourt827]

Hi. I know that this is a pretty old thread, but I wanted to say something here. First of all, I do have anxiety (emetophobia, which is the fear of vomiting) but I do not have a fear of sex. I thought that maybe some input from somebody who does not fear it might help. I am also on my way to a graduate degree in psychology. I do sometimes get anxious that sex will make me not feel well and that I might vomit during sex, so I guess I do have some anxiety, but my husband always knows how to calm me down.

I definitely do feel for all of you and I was wondering what you think of what motheroftwo said? I definitely agree that if you just try to have sex, and the anxiety level rises and you sit with the anxiety that the anxiety level will fall.
This is what I have learned while in school for psychology. It is about exposure, your body can't tolerate feeling extremely anxious for a long period of time, so by exposing yourself, your anxiety will peak and then it will fall to a more tolerable level. I have also learned that if you "escape" when your anxiety is at it's highest, that will just reinforce the behavior and you will get even more anxious surrounding the subject. I also think that it is important to face this anxiety with somebody who you really trust, a husband, wife or long term partner. They have to know what is going on and be willing to work through it with you. Maybe seeing a couples therapist (or even a sex therapist) would be helpful, as they will have some ideas of small steps that you could take as a couple in order to work through the hard part together.

I really hope this helps somebody!!

I am NOT CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT. I do not yet have a degree, I am only passing on the information that I have learned in school! I thought that I should post this part just in case

[Rowlz]

I think there's a HUGE pressure on people to be sexually active nowadays, there's no shame in being afraid of something with huge expectations my friend

[layne]

Wow, I haven't looked at this since a couple of days after posting because there wernt any replies. But the responses here have served in making me feel not quite so isolated. It's a very difficult subject for me to tackle and talk about to many people. Especially the men I inadvertently lead on.
I agree with all of what you've had to say, I think my fear stems from the desire to NEVER put myself in a position where I have to make a decision that was quite as painful as that again, It hurt me in ways I didn't think I could hurt. And that shocks me to be honest. I have always been rather thick skinned and clinical in regards to matters such as that.

So by stopping dead in my tracks, I feel like I've freaked myself out, I know that I'm not experienced when it comes to intercourse, and at my age most people at least have a clue about what to do. But by still doing pretty much everything else, and being quite relaxed and comfortable with it, some may even argue good, the men get quite confused. They don't understand, and I don't blame them, but like I say I'm terrible about talking about it.

I suppose the main reason Id like it sorted is because there is someone who I'm seeing and we have talked (to some degree, he has no idea im afraid of it, all though he knows I have anxiety usually when around him) and he says he understands, no pressure, in your own time and so on. Which should make me feel better, but it just makes me worse. He enjoys the oral and stuff we get up to and says its enough for him, and I've learnt to swallow (something I used to have pretty bad anxiety about, a fear of vomiting it back up) but for some reason I hate him looking at my vagina, I don't want him to look at it full stop. I've never had a climax issue but now I feel myself holding back when he's touching me. and I don't come as a result of it.

Basically this problem is threatening to sabotage my personal growth, at a time when I can feel my bodies ready to leave the past behind. I want to be intimate, I want to be able to be a proper partner without fear of what he thinks, I just can't shake the incessant ramblings and feelings of inadequacy.

Thankyou to everybody who has responded though definitely some food for thought