Basically, I feel nervous most of my life going places because I think people are always watching me, waiting for me to do something stupid to make fun of me. Usually, I have to stop myself from thinking that because I know this isn't true but that fear and the feeling of being rejected makes me hate people and myself. I tried talking to my parents about this and they don't understand exactly how I feel.
This fear also makes me look lazy because it feels like it sucks the energy right out of me due to worrying. My anxiety also gets worse than this, I get scared of losing friends due to my horrible communication skills. I have a speech impediment and a bit of a stutter(nervous) when I talk. I don't want to get a job but I do. Every time, I go to and try to get one I feel my mind is poisoning me with anxiety. I want to be optimistic but I am pessimistic. I don't want to be but it seems as if, I have no choice in the matter. It makes me lose all hope. I know this wasn't just something I was born with more like I learned this. It feels as if, my brain developed this self- defense mechanism because of me being bullied when I was little.
I don't want to take medication because I am too scared of taking pills, thinking that it is going to kill me. I want to learn a way to change my way of thinking, and conquer these feelings.