Hello all. I usually like to become a frequent/decent poster before making topics on communities, but this is an extremely pressing issue on me so I apologize for not taking the time to do that first.
I am physically incapable of relaxing, this has been a problem as far back as I can remember (2nd grade at least) and it is the worst thing. I have been on numerous medications, including anxiety-specific sedatives (of the "pam" varieties usually) and depression-anxiety medications and they never work for one reason or another. I have tried things like massages and tea and meditation and relaxation techniques, exercise, and those have never worked either. I've only gone to one therapist that was anxiety specific (seen many others for other problems), and that didn't work out either. I just can not trick my mind into being some form of calm.
I've dealt with this forever so it's frustrating and all but whatever... but how this is absolutely ruining my life is sleep: I have so much anxiety over sleep that it is literally ruining my life. I have this thing where I can not sleep if I know I have to do something within 10 hours. Of course, that is all the time so I basically never get much decent sleep, if any at all. Example: If I have to be up by 12pm, I will go to bed at 1am. 11 hours of potential, sounds good. Well, no. I watch the clock turn into 2am. Then 3am. Then 4am. Then 5. It keeps going, at some point I usually do fall asleep. Then I'll wake up at 7 or 8am. Most people I talk to or have lived with can just roll back over until 11am or 11:30 or whenever. I can't. I sit there, thinking about how I need to get up within a few hours.
It is the most frustrating thing, because I know I can get four or five or x amount more hours of sleep which I desperately need. But my body can't do it, my brain doesn't want it. My entire body shivers, my heart beat increases, my mind races, and often times my stomach begins to hurt (I am mega-prone to stress ulcers, found out from my doctor last Christmas after a horrible mess of pain). It is the single most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with, and I constantly feel like either ripping out my hair or shooting myself in the head because there I guess the top of my head/my scalp is where I feel pent-up anxiety (yet head massages don't help)?
I also have this thing where in order to decently sleep even if I don't need to get up for something the room has to be cold, quiet, and decently dark. This also ruins a lot, as I can not sleep in hotels, houses of friends/relatives, hospitals, camps, cars, dorms, etc. impossible and as you can imagine I've missed out on a lot of life because of these.
I have lost three jobs and dropped out of college after failing many classes because of this stupid dumb issue. PLEASE, someone tell me they have a similar issue and have found help, or know of ways to help this kind of stuff. I am at the end and I can not stand living like this anymore, it controls and devours my life. I am only twenty-years-old and I have already missed out on so many opportunities and events because of this. I am also sorry that this is a lot of tl;dr wall of texting, but I am just... losing my mind.
Anything is appreciated. Thank you to anyone that read through all this for one reason or another.