hi i'm 25 and female. and every night i go to sleep, i hope i won't wake up. i've gotten okay at resisting old habits like cutting and overdosing. but the overwhelming desire to die is still a part of me.
i don't think i will commit suicide. the reason being is that i do not want anyone to miss me when i'm gone. so accompanied with my wanting to die are feelings of immense guilt. i do not want to let the few people left in my life down.
i quit my job months ago. i've gotten used to eating less/smoking less trying to hold onto my tiny savings. i guess i'm agoraphobic. i don't even like walking my dog. people are my biggest fear. and its so incapacitating, i don't think i can work anymore.
everything about me seems to be worthless. i failed at college. i failed in relationships. i failed to continue working. i finally got myself to get a doctor again. it had been too hard to go to appointments and get my prescriptions. i'm afraid to tell her how badly i want to die. i don't want to go to another psych ward.
i am beyond the point of caring if i get better or not. how can i get my motivation back to live another day ?