waiting to die

[maelove]

hi i'm 25 and female. and every night i go to sleep, i hope i won't wake up. i've gotten okay at resisting old habits like cutting and overdosing. but the overwhelming desire to die is still a part of me.

i don't think i will commit suicide. the reason being is that i do not want anyone to miss me when i'm gone. so accompanied with my wanting to die are feelings of immense guilt. i do not want to let the few people left in my life down.

i quit my job months ago. i've gotten used to eating less/smoking less trying to hold onto my tiny savings. i guess i'm agoraphobic. i don't even like walking my dog. people are my biggest fear. and its so incapacitating, i don't think i can work anymore.

everything about me seems to be worthless. i failed at college. i failed in relationships. i failed to continue working. i finally got myself to get a doctor again. it had been too hard to go to appointments and get my prescriptions. i'm afraid to tell her how badly i want to die. i don't want to go to another psych ward.

i am beyond the point of caring if i get better or not. how can i get my motivation back to live another day ?

[miss_mac666]

No on can really tell you how to be motivated to live. what scares you about people? why do you want to die? i know sometimes it seems like death would be a gift when you are at your worst. Life is worth living. Everyday is a gift. have you ever watched someone slowly die of cancer? i have. most of my life i didnt want to live, nothing mattered to me. i didnt care who i would have hurt. but 4 yrs ago my 6 yr old cousin was diagnosed with brain cancer. the tumor itself was on her brain stem. inoperable so she litterally died very slowly. lost all mobilization, speech. basically turned into a vegetable. they gave her six-nine months to live. she made it almost 2 more years. when you watch someone so young slowly die, who had no choice in it and was born with cancer, you realize how precious life is. she died on may 25th 2010. still her memory is here and she has given me the strength to go on. life is worth living. and i personally feel that suicide is the most selfish act. i have been suffering with ptsd, gad, emetophobia, agoraphobia, etc... for ten yrs. suicide attempts and such. now i dont want to die. im telling you thins maybe to help idk. but she was very important to me and my family. innocents should never be taken from us. especially the ones so sick.

Claire

[Anxiee]

Hello, first of all you should know that you're not alone and we all had the same feelings for a while..but as much as we think about it, it only go worse, you have to force yourself to think about sth different..all the time you have to try..then one moment you will see a little improvement like a baby's first step and later you will start walk even Run! I want to contact with you if you also want, please do not give up!! it will pass!!

[GreenPlz]

Wow, your story has me worried. Just try the best you can to enjoy each day with your friends and loved ones.

[drumex]

dear maelove,

I have gone through a similar life spat recently. I lost my engineering job at a local recording studio, I lost my car, I started ot become very anxious and gradually I was struck with the worst anxiety I have ever felt. I feared doing any anything, getting out of bed was hard, walking too much scared me, I was always worried about my heart because i felt constant pain and tightness in my chest and arms. Eventually I stopped doing almost everything. I never went out with my girlfriend. We were a little rocky but i loved her and we had been together for 8 years. She helped me through alot but after months of going nowhere she decided she needed a change and left me. right after that happened I really didnt have much anxiety anymore. I think maybe because i finally stopped worrying about our future together and had an oppertunity to focus on myself. even though I was fighting for her to stay and feeling like the love of my life had walked out the door and hating myself and my anxiety for making her want out, after a while there was some relief. I think it was because I knew I needed to build myself up again. I wasnt the man i wanted to be. I am still in the transitional stage. I still love her, I still dont have a full time job and might have to get a part time job waiting table life is starting to make sense again. why because Ive reconnected with myself again and am starting to be happy just being alive. yes sometimes I think about my ex and how much i still love her, maybe even shed a tear thinking about us but thats good for me. Its good to let myself feel those things just like its good to let ourselves feel anxious when we do. Its nothing to be ashamed of and its not the end of the world. Please try to comprehend that you wont feel this way forever. I thought about dying, killing myself but i realized that theres lots of things to live for, not just a job or a person or one particular idea. You should ask yourself what makes you happy and what you love doing that doesnt involve anyone else, just yourself. Then one day it will be easy to share those things with people and trust me there will be lots of people who will enjoy the things you do and your fear of poeple wont even exist after that. from there youll have confidence again and be able to acheive things you think are impossible now. keep your head up and keep moving toward your own happiness and dont pay attention to what other people may think. I hope this helps some and I wish the best for you.

[Enduronman]

Maelove,

I've never looked further into these forums of mental disorder before, so I myself am in new and unknown territory but when I see the words "waiting to die" they somewhat strong and compeled me to see what the meaning of this was..
1. You're merely in the beginning stages of your life whereas trial and error..generally more error, was what you were to experience and learn from and you will continue to do so as you age but the major difference is that you are to retain the wisdom from the events in your life that caused you to live in present day with such grief. The wisdom that you have picked up (and you have retained it all or you wouldnt be laying there compressed by the vast wealth of knowledge and experience you have gained) is what distinguishes the rights, from the wrongs..and it does not matter WHO was at fault or to blame for any of this, makes no difference either way.
2. I type letter keys on this computer gadget that both of my teen daughters said that we NEEDED to have so they could do their homework on, and I'm terrible at it by the way, yet do you know how many times they actually did homework on here? You got the answer in your head. I ramble, sometimes meaningful, sometimes un-interpretable to certain people, certain types, simple, yet complex at the same time. The other members of these forums (some) may think I'm a complete nutjob, basketcase, trainwreck..I know different then that. Although I only have a 7th grade education (of sitting on my a**, staring at a piece of paper with jumbled words printed on it that someone out there thought I needed to know and learn in order for me to be a successful addition to a productive environment, was full of s**t). As I've stated to prepare you for what you're about to read (if you return, but I know you will because you still have hope..its line has worn to near snapping point..but thats another reason why you're suddenly here, you were put here..do not try to figure that out) I go at issues in my life or any other persons life or lives whether I know them personally or not. Straight forward, and my favorite saying of all that my wife (whom I have not seen since I snapped about 4 sleeping tablets 2 days ago) hates to hear from me is "blunt force trauma"..that is my method, that is my way, that is my own catch-phrase (patented and copywrited)..just made that last part up to calm me down abit because my mind is moving faster then my finger can type. I want a secretary that is capable of typing 200 words per minute!...Yes, that is how my brain works..AND it is the same way that YOUR brain works too. DO WHAT?...Dude, yer freakin insane! Nope, no I'm not..I'm extremely smart, high IQ, hyper-vigilent, hyper-sensitive, and was put together in a very unique way that I had to figure outon my own. I sometimes wonder if during my assembly process if they didn't just throw a bunch of spare parts in here and laugh to see what would happen or how I would function as some sort of joke thats only funny to them, and not me..sometimes it is though honestly as I'm not afraid to say this but I can, have, and still do laugh at MY OWN SELF. I ask MYSELF what was the freakin purpose in that dumba**?...IDK but it sure was amusing, entertaining, and funny!!
3. Holy s**t man, see there...I just remembered something? If I type over 10000 letters, then I will go into "panic mode" and tear my (stupid double-ovens that my X wife wanted, that merely serves as a VERY EXPENSIVE digital clock)..Thank God she's not within my reach...
***to be continued

[Enduronman]

Hi again!

Our Super Mod taught me this, I MUST reply to myself..I do that all the time anyway so its cool. Now, back on subject (snap out of it!):
4. In your typed post, (and IDGAF what others may think about this either) I see things. No, not spirits, ghost, goons, or goblins (turn that LIL Wayne bulls**t off now!..Geeze!!! Ok I'm back to earth. I have lived next door to (2) college professors for over 15 years. During the first year or so here I learned alot about them and they alot about me and my family. At one point during one of our many conversations (I love them both dearly like family) Chuck asked me where I obtained my degree from? He has just retired after 40 yrs of teaching and his wife has 4 more years to retirement. UH, do what? Degree of what?...Your degree, is it a Masters or a Doctorate and what subject? I had NO FRIGGIN IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKIN ABOUT! His wife was also sitting there waiting for my reply too..it was weird as hell! I think I may have even heard a mouse scurrying around his basement at that (longest 5 seconds of silence in my life) and i just sat there tryin to process the SIMPLE QUESTION. I did answer, and that reply was "Dr. Chuck, I received my Doctorate from the college of Life Itself." I have a 7th grade education, you know 1,2,3,7.9?"...You need not hear (see) the rest of this conversation because its now quite irrelevant but I made my point. I was also asked that yet again in 2006 at a "Familys in Transition" class as ordered by our court systems in order for me to get a divorce from a real nuttier then a squirrels terd woman. The Lead Councelor approached me at break time as it was an open class setting and environment with 20+ other people of all makes, brands, models, shapes, sizes, forms,...that were all there to get out of marriage. He asked the exact same question of me using the exact same words yet this time I knew what to say. Sir, I learned everything I know from living in this world and not from a book or teacher..Are you being serious? Yes sir. I was the ONLY freakin person in there that did not have the look of defeat written all over their faces in permanent blue marker, and they all had their heads hung low and few if any even spoke a single word except...ME. I asked questions, I had to learn all the potential troubles, issues, concerns, that I may encounter in the future beyond that day forward and that Dr. of Psychology had those answers that I never again would be given an opportunity to know, learn, understand. Knowledge=power. period.
5. Why in the hell am I typing all if these words to you? You'll see...You think your life is not worth living for, and that is 1 of the many reasons why I will push these computer keys until my own fingers bleed because I wont feel it, nor see them either. Your life is worth living (although you now see no positives, nothing to live for, no light at the end of the tunnel, no future, no outlook, no meaning, no purpose,..because you're not allowing yourself to see anything.) Your life was a gift, a blessing, and you are as unique (or odd as others may say) as I am..You've just lost your way, lost on the path of life, and it is easier to get derailed, sidetracked, blown off course then it is to remain constant, routine, on track, forward momentum, forward motion, positive direction, in life itself. I too made many, many, many, grevious errors and mistakes early on in my life too and was facing life in prison because of them. (I did exaggerate the length of term because this hodge podge of words is about a LIFE) The actual possible sentence was to be 20+, if I did not IMMEDIATELY, ABRUPTLY, SUDDENLY, INSTANTLY, STOP THE DUMBS**T I WAS DOING AND GET A GRIP ON MY OWN BEHAVIORS, ACTIONS, AND CRIMES AGAINST THIS WORLD!...I did. That day. In 1 10th of a second, I realized that I was being self-centered, selfish, and did not care nor have remorse for anyone else on this planet other then MYSELF. I saw the look, read the thoughts within both of my parents minds, sensed their extreme internal sadness, pain, and suffering..it impacted me instantly. Like I was just ran over by a freightrain of over 80 tons..it grabbed my heart, and squeezed it so tightly that I could not gasp for a single breath in what felt like forever but was merely seconds. I had terrorized, I had inflicted enough pain upon others, my days of torment, torture, evil, and hell on this earth ended when I was 18 years, 2 months, and 2 days old...That was 26 YEARS ago..I have not, will not, won't, ever return to that moment in my life again and haven't been on a "criminal grid or radar" in any way, shape, or form (other then a stupid speeding ticket in KY) since...
6. Holy s**t, this whole 10000 letter thing is really freakin me to the out!! (I also dislike being limited, censored, controlled..if you didnt already pick up on that, but I know you already have)...grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...(sigh)
***to be continued

[Enduronman]

HEY! Long time no see..(ever)

7. Now, I'm going to TRY to get to the end..(yeah right). wuteva..That word looks completely idiotic!... back to earth.
8. Key words in your post that I see, that I can read BEHIND..whoa, weird..are as follows: Habits, cutting, overdosing, overwhelming desire, suicide, die, guilt, quit, less, agoraphobic, people, fear, incapacitating, worthless, failed, failed, failed, psych ward, beyond caring.. THOSE ARE THE STRONGEST AND MOST EVIL WORDS TYPED IN THE ENGLISH LANGUANGE THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN ALL COMPILED INTO 1 SHORT PARAGRAPH IN ALL OF 44 YEARS ON THIS PLANET AND THE IMPACT OF READING THESE WORDS ON ME IS THAT OF EXTREME EXTERNAL PRESSURES CREATED BY A PERSON SOMEWHERE STANDING IN THE FACE OF THIS EARTH THAT I CAN NOT SEE, REACH, GRAB, BECAUSE IF I COULD I WOULD PLACE YOU INTO MY CAR OR TRUCK AND TRANSPORT YOU TO A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY AND DEMAND TO BE PRESCRIBED AN ANTI-PSYCHOTIC, AND AN ANTI-ANXIETY MEDICATION THIS SECOND OR I WILL REMOVE THE HAND OF WHICH YOU USE TO WRITE THE PRESCRIPTIONS AS NEEDED TO HELP PEOPLE THAT SO DESPERATELY NEED THESE TO KEEP THEM ALIVE AND BREATHING BECAUSE IT IS NOT THE PERSON HERSELF DOING THIS, IT IS HER MIND DOING THIS..WRITE IT NOW PLEASE SIR...you have 1 minute to make your decision..Choose wisely.
9. What just happened..IDK.. You, MAELOVE..are under attack by the same thing that I also have, and you MUST attack back IMMEDIATLEY! I can not fight this battle for you, although you know I would and alot of things, people, feelings, would be devastated within mere minutes. It would (it always did) look like Hiroshima or Nagasaki when I am done, and I would just walk away like nothing happened..If you're wondering WTF I'm even talking about, then read my last post on the anxiety forums where I am asking for HELP in dealing with this 1 flaw that I have. I DID NOT, DO NOT, CAN NOT, EVEN SEE, FEEL, SENSE, HEAR, ANYTHING THAT I AM DOING..WHEN I AM DOING IT...Until I see the aftermath, the fallout, the destruction, that I somehow created...Now THAT freaks me out..I do not wish to be harmful to anyone. I have given a homeless man the clothes off of my back, my only good pair of gym shoes, and pointed him into the exact direction he needed to go just 3 days ago..within 1 hour. I did not know him. He did not know, nor could he TELL me why he was standing at the end of my sidewalk and was 1000 miles from his home, nor could he tell me HOW he got to the end of my sidewalk either..I asked him..HOW DID YOU GET HERE SIR? I DO NOT REALLY KNOW,,.weird...very, very, weird.
10. I must end here. I am a schizo, with ADD, ADHD, OCD, PTSD, GAD, SAD, AND EVERY OR ANY OTHER D WORD THAT YOU CHOOSE TO ATTACH TO ME. I am, what I am..I accept that, because I can not change genetics nor nature. I control IT, IT does not control me in any way (other then the 1 issue I am trying SO hard to learn)

You are the same as me...You understand all the garble, blurble, yadda, bla, ding dong stuff that I just typed to you. You are very, very smart..you just don't know it yet. Go look into the mirror, and you'll see what I see...and while yer there, smile...because we all care about you regardless of how you are.

GO TO THE DR TODAY. GO TO A CLINIC TODAY. I DONT CARE IF YOU HAVE MONEY, INSURANCE, CREDENTIALS, DEGREES, AND NEITHER DO THEY. CALL FOR HELP...TODAY...DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT FOR 1 SECOND LONGER, MAKE THE CALL.

It was a pleasure "reading" about someone like me. Thank You.

Kindest regards,

Enduronman.

[maelove]

thank you all for the inspiring words. i needed some kind of outlet and its really nice to come back and see replies. i know i did use some very strong words but it is hard to see the good in your life when you are under a blanket of depression.

the truth is i have been living my life, a long time now, for my dog. yes a little weird, but it is true. i can't say how many times i was moments away from pushing the quit button, and then just seeing her face literally saved my life.

she is my joy, my life, and my reason to keep going. i think back on the mistakes i've made and what got me to where i am, (or where i'm not) today. and she really is the only brightness in a lifetime of regret.

she knows my mood at all times. she stays by me when i have panic attacks. she brightens every day for me. i hate to do it, but i think about how she will be gone eventually. within 10 years. its so scary. i don't know what i will do when i lose her.

why is it though, that i have never been able to live for myself ? since age 18, i have jumped from one relationship to another, devoting myself and everything i did to him. and with every one, my crazy took over and they stopped loving me.

i used to like myself. in high school i was proud of my uniqueness, and i didn't mind so much when people looked at me. now i almost go into a panic attack just thinking about being in a place where people can see me.

i wish i liked myself. i wish i could live for me.

[Enduronman]

Maelove,

Glad to have you back! Now, please re-read all the typed words until you fully understand them because there are many things in there that you have overlooked..i can tell by your reply dear. Yes, I am a MADMAN as Camilla91 just stated..but I am a very proud and intelligent NUTJOB that is fine with the fact that I am viewed by others as being "abit odd"...YA THINK!! YAY!!!

The way outta this is right before your eyes. I just can't type much more because I have duct tape and cotton balls on every finger because of the EMERGENCY you created within my own mind..

Have a spectacular day!!! Make it that way!!!

(hey, want me to drop off these 5 kittens we have at yer place?)...That'll make ya laugh!!! meow

Enduronman.