My name is Dan, and I'm scared. Ive been scared for the better part of 2012.
I'm scared that there is something wrong with me!
I have always been a strong and proud guy. A little on the lazy side, and a smoker, but all in all happy.
Things started to change early this year. A few back problems and a diagnosis for high blood pressure has lead to endless check ups, all the usual anxiety symptoms, and a whopping big list of medical bills. I am sick of it!
My main stress is my heart. I get palpitations (sometimes racing, sometimes slow, but often very exaggerated respiratory sinus arrhythmia). I get dizzy spells. I get pains in my chest. Sometimes it feels like my heart will just stop. Sometimes it feels like it is beating so hard, it will break the legs off of my bed. Every time i bend over, my heart thumps so hard in my chest that i feel like i have to lay down.
This all happens at night! Sometimes i can feel it coming on at about 6pm, sometimes i feel lucky when i doesn't come on until 9pm.
I have had 3 ECGs, 3 troponins tests, a stress echo cardiogram, a 24hr holter monitor and both kidney ultrasound and Doppler ultrasound. The only thing that they can find wrong with me is my slightly elevated blood pressure (140/95 average). I have seen a Cardiologist a few times who is trying to control the blood pressure with medication (unsuccessful so far). I have Valpam 2mg tablets that i use if i am having a freak out, but i don't like taking them and avoid them wherever possible.
I have been seeing a psychotherapist for a few months, and although i get some relief from the sessions, i am yet to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
My biggest problem is that i don't believe the doctors are being thorough enough. I can go through a few days convinced that it is anxiety, but then i manage to convince myself (manly through chest pains) that there is something that they have overlooked. Then the downward spiral starts again. Another GP appointment, a few more tests and many sleepless nights.
My girlfriend has been fantastic. She can calm me down with a back rub, or a chat, but i feel that i am getting scared of the times that she is away, or out with friends.
I have all of the support that i could wish for through family and friends. I have taken every avenue that i know of to correct whatever this problem is.
But i'm not rid of it. I still have moments of terror that i cannot explain other than my body telling me that there is something wrong.
I would love to hear from someone else who has been through, or is going through a similar 'health fear'. To confirm through another 'sufferer' that i'm not dying, that i will get better, and that night time doesn't have to be feared , might be the light that i am so desperately searching for!
I look forward to hearing from someone.