I guess my general question here is if I should go to a doctor or not? Or what I should do? Or what's going on with me? :/
I also apologize that it is so so long. And I'm sorry for any grammatical errors/whatnot. I tend to reread things 20 times to make sure they're right, but I feel that if I reread this I'll cry or something.
Okay, to start out I'm 18 (19 next month) and I just recently graduated high school. Technically graduated...even though I was way too scared to go to my graduation and walk across the stage in front of all those people that I stayed home instead... All throughout school I've always been known as the shy girl and never really talked to anyone. I honestly only have 2 friends, who happen to be brothers, otherwise it would probably be 1. I'm scared to talk to anyone I don't know, I hate going out in public, I blush/sweat/heart races when I have to do anything in front of people or talk to anyone other than my 2 friends. This whole summer I've left my house about 5 times. I just cannot be around people. I don't even have my license. I'm terrified of driving and terrified of the police at the office where you take the test. Everyone else is going off to college this Fall and I haven't been able to apply anywhere or do anything about it because I'm scared. I feel like such a failure... I also get what I guess are panic attacks quite often. Where my chest tightens and my heart races and I think I'm going to die no matter what I tell myself. I also obsess over things that may not be wrong with me. Like, if some rash shows up, I'll look it up on the internet over and over and over thinking it's something deadly and I'm going to die or something. Every time I walk down a set of stairs I have to walk SO SLOW because I always imagine my ankles snapping and me falling down.... And I'm not sure what this is, but for some reason I always feel the need to stretch/strain/twitch my neck and right hand a lot.. Not involuntary, it's just that I feel I NEED to.. I don't know. I also have to do things the same way every night before I go to bed, or when I get out of the shower, etc. Which I guess is OCD.
Another weird weird thing that I don't really know how to explain is this. This hasn't happened too recently:
I start like.. thinking, like who am I? And is this really happening right now? Sort of, is this real life? kind of thing... I totally freak out and I don't really know if everything that is happening is ACTUALLY going on.. I freak out so bad. I was washing in the shower one time while it happened and I ended up scratching myself so hard to the point where I was bleeding.. Sometimes I worry that I'll never be able to come back from it. It is SO HARD to explain so I'm just going to stop there.
Also.. I've never really told anyone. My mom does know that I'm antisocial and worry about being around people, but she doesn't know to what extent. This is why I'm worried on what to do. I don't really want to tell her because I fear I'll be seen as weird or be a big disappointment. Another thing is that doctors terrify me..