I know I've come here before and asked for advice from all of you, and you all tell me to tell other people about my problems. I know it's what I need to do, but I can't. For my whole life, my confidence has been smashed, crushed and generally destroyed by bullying. I gained more confidence in my last year of school when I found a group of good friends, but now that confidence is gone. For the last year since I left school, that confidence has faded away and been replaced by the wretched anxiety by which I am now cursed. I've had anxiety before, but nothing like this phase I've had since December. Criticizing my self in every way, hating myself, telling myself I'm worthless and I don't deserve a damn thing. If you've read some of my previous posts, then you know some of the things I've worried about frivolously for months. It was going away over the past few weeks and I was feeling better, but now, I'm right back in the middle of it, feeling ashamed of certain actions in my life. Especially the carpet urination incident which occurred a few times later in the previous year. I know that in the end, this stemmed from my own feelings of worthlessness which I've carried at least subconsciously for a good long while now. I had practically no self esteem, and I felt that no matter what I do, nobody in the world really cares about me, so what the hell does it matter if I'm an unhygienic caveman. But of course, that's made my self esteem much worse. I feel that no matter what I do in life, no matter what therapy I go through, no matter how sorry I am for doing it, people will always judge me for this, forever thinking of me as some gross weirdo that doesn't belong in civilized society. I think that any friends I make in life would feel the same way if they knew this one thing about me. I can now only wish that I had never done it, but there's nothing I can do about it now. The past is gone, and I've done what I've done now, and i'll have to live with that for the rest of my life until the day I die. I can't even tell anyone, because I have so little confidence and so much shame that it feels impossible to speak to anyone about this, or the other things about which I have worried. So what can I do. I'm stuck, my hope is gone, and I don't know if these secrets will ever leave me to live in peace or if I will be forever anxious about them.