This is my first post here so yay for that, I guess.
I was diagnosed with GAD at 17 after suffering a severe panic attack followed by a week of typical GAD symptoms. No fun, but with meds and therapy, I got over it and felt normal again for a few years. Had a relapse of sorts with a few months of intense anxiety and panic-attacks in my mid-20s. Went back on meds and back to the therapist and got over it again pretty quickly.
Fast forward to this past month, when, at 30 and in a loving relationship, secure job and happy home, it hit me again: that dreaded background noise of anxiety, impending doom, the thought of going crazy. After a few weeks of this going on (I decided to wait it out and see if it'd subside), the Miami cannibal and all the other horrific stories accompanying the current horrifying news trend really got to me. I started to freak myself out by wondering what would cause people to break and do such terrible, nasty things. That immediately led to me thinking that what if my fear of going crazy actually happened and I hurt the best thing that ever happened to me: my partner. It just snowballed from there into a debilitating fear of the thought that affects my sleep and my daily life. Like right now when I should be working: i can't because I'm distracted. I haven't really had the intrusive thought of possibly losing control and harming the person I love the most very frequently, but I'm freaking scared to death of the thought coming back that I'm panicking on a daily basis.
My friends often refer to me as the gentlest person they know. They often laugh at me because I refuse to kill spiders and hate violence. Violence and these thoughts are so freaking completely against my nature that when I get them I'm so sick to my stomach I have to run to the bathroom thinking I'm going to throw-up.
I've arranged an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow (I'm literally counting the seconds), but hoping someone can say something encouraging to get me through the day and to let me know that I'll be able to handle this and this won't always be the case. My second biggest fear (other than losing control/going crazy/harming the person who's safety I care most about) is that I will never be able to enjoy my loving relationship with him again thanks to anxiety.
Please help me.