Hi everyone, I would really appreciate some feedback on the issues I'm facing and would welcome any personal stories you may have that are similar to mine.
I recently graduated and moved back to the city I was originally from, in order to look for work. One of the primary reasons I had done so was because my boyfriend lives here, and as we had been doing long-distance for a while, and I guess I was looking forward to the point in which we could be in one city again and thought that once we were living in the same place things would be fine.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get a job. I applied for tons and tons of jobs, and lowered my standards immensely as time went on. I have spent 5 years at Uni getting a degree, so the fact I couldn't get one for so long really affected my self-esteem. I also had a lot of relevant work-experience through the summers between each year at Uni. I even tried handing in my CV at cafes etc, nothing eventuated. I had coping mechanisms to deal with it, but as time went on I found that the coping mechanisms weren't working well because there was no end in sight.
I moved in with my boyfriend even though I was quite apprehensive about doing so. I was moving in with his friends but I had high hopes that things would just work out, and I'd eventually become friends with his friends.
Eventually I got a job, but it is only part-time and doing very basic administration work. It's not challenging at all and most of the time I go into the office, do about an hours worth of work, then muck around because there's nothing else to do. I ask for more work and they give me another thirty minutes or so, so I spend most of my time surfing the net, looking at news websites.
A few weeks ago, on the bus back home from work, I had a massive meltdown. I guess I started thinking about death and felt so unhappy that I was 23 and still not doing what I wanted to do. I felt as though my life was going to stretch out into nothingness, of boring office work. I realised I hated working in an office and the thought of being chained to a desk 9-5 just seemed utterly horrible. For me, I realised I didn't really care that much about money and started questioning society and why we all pursue money even though it doesn't make us happy. Actually, pursuing money and greediness are some of the factors that caused the recession in the first place. It felt like the 9-5 job is out of sync with what makes humans happy... it means we can't look after our children or have that much fun because we always have to go back to work. But so many people work long hours and throw away their health because of it. But it seems as though people haven't figured that out, and done something about it to change it.
This culminated in an anxiety attack where I couldn't sleep, dreaded going to work, couldn't eat, and would dry-retch for ages in the morning. I had to go to hospital at one point because I felt like I couldn't cope in the office and just had to leave.
What makes my situation worse is that my flatmates do nothing with their weekends or time after work. They come back and sit in front of the TV. The relationship with my boyfriend is getting worse and worse. He plays a computer game everyday now (he never used to play it at all), sometimes until 1am. We've been arguing and arguing because I am unhappy with how often he plays this game (he's playing it right now) and I've asked him to try to integrate me into the flat more/come up with things we can do together as a flat (I've tried doing this before, but it feels hard to motivate them, especially because they're not even really my friends). But we keep fighting and nothing changes.
I've tried lots of different things, searching for more job opportunities etc. I ask when I get rejected from a job what I could do to improve. I've been told time and time again that my application is great, it's just that more people with experience are applying for the job. I feel as though my boyfriend and my flatmates don't really understand... as they got jobs through other people they knew/family members. They are from private school backgrounds. I've put in applications to volunteer places, no one gets back to me. I was excited for a while because I thought a good friend was going to be moving to the city I am in, she got a job elsewhere. I text people and try to organise to do things, but it feels as though it's so hard because it's all up to me to push everything and I have no energy.
I often feel like life is so unfair and that there are forces working against me. I know this is irrational but I can't help but feel that way. I've felt like this for a while, that things don't really work out for me as they do for other people - they always fall through. For example, a few months ago, I got a call from TWO different people offering me jobs. I thought my woes were over and was so excited. Both of them fell through. Both of them stopped returning my calls.
So I guess what I'm wondering, had anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you do to get out of it? Have you ever felt as though the world is against you and that all these bad things are happening because life is trying to show you you're on the wrong path or something?
I tried going on medication but it made my anxiety even worse. Since I've stopped taking it, my anxiety has faded somewhat, but I still feel very depressed.