Who played a big part in the development of your SA?

If you feel that someone in your life was a big contributor to the onset of your social anxiety or shyness, let us know who you think was the main 'perpetrator'

-dan
(thanks to dlia from my old SA board for this idea)

My father, because I always felt the need that I had to do things without any mistakes or just flawlessly. If I couldn't live up to that expectation he'd start yelling or trying to belittle me. :x

My family, although it is not their fault. Weve had hard times and near-death situations with my father being very ill, since I was 7, so that set off my anxiety very early.

Since that, my parents because depressed and that made me depressed bc we hardly went out or socialized my friends and their parents. I guess they passed their anxiety on to me without realizing it...Or maybe not, Im not sure. But I know this time in my childhood played a part myanxiety.

For me, other than genetics, I think bullies in grade school were the biggest contributing factor. I had three that tormented me relentlessly, two guys my age and this totally psychotic girl who was 3 years younger than me but just knew exactly what to say to make me feel like crap.

I later found out that one of the male bullies my age grew up to be a cop! How scary is that!?!

I have been working on the bully thing in therapy lately, my therpist uses a program called Developmental Needs Meeting. It's working pretty well.

Maggie

Both parents contributed, especially my poor mother. Parents divorced when I was a tot and mother was so out of her mind. She talked to people I never saw and was horrified to leave the house because of people who were after her (as I got older I realized no one was after her). She always kept the blinds closed and the doors locked. She would scream when the phone rang. We didn't have many visitors. So, as a tot I was scared because the person I needed was freaked out and no one else was around.

I can laugh a little bit about it now. Like when my mom would lock all the doors trying to keep us safe and she was so wrapped up in her nightmare that most the time I was ignored; well, she would lock me out of the house not knowing and I would hear her screaming my name all throughout the house while I was screaming for her to let me in cause the sun had gone down. I remember one time I was so scared because it was dark and couldn't get in, so I took my Barbie House and smashed the front storm door thinking for sure she'd hear that, but no! So, I went around the back and smashed that one in too! Still, no answer. Well, mom did open the front door at some point and thought someone was breaking in and called the police. When the police came she told them someone broke in and kidnapped me. The officers found me at the back door crying. Mother was pissed, scared and hysterical - like usual.

So, I can’t tell how much is genetic, meaning if my mother didn’t raise me. As for my poor Dad, he killed himself.

soshy

wow soshy, that's terrible to have gone through that. i can't imagine how scary it was to grow up living with a mom in that condition. and sorry to hear about your dad :( you're really strong to have gotten through so much and turned out normal (aside from the SA i guess)

Thanks for the response shoe. I know I went a little too descriptive regarding childhood, but I thought someone out there may have had a similar upbringing.

I did get over a lot of the terror associated with it all. And ya gotta admit the way my mom behaved only Quintin Terantino fans could relate with laughter. Some of it is really, really funny now. I do wonder how any child could have made it out of there and not be mumbling gibberish in a nut-house. I guess I'm lucky.

As for my Dad, he was a funny guy with a sad heart.

Someday, I'll tell what my mamma use to do when I was sick, but I'll give ya a break for awhile, BIG LOLs.

soshy

Hi Soshy,

Was your mom ever diagnosed with schizophrenia? Does she still act the same way now that you are grown up; you know, being afraid people are after her or thinking people are trying to break into the house, talking to hallucinations? How's she doing?

And by the way, it's not possible to "go too far" here in terms of talking about your symptoms and experiences. We've all experienced something that is similar. This is one place where you can really say what's going in with complete honesty. There's no judgement here.

With love,

Maggie

Hi Maggie:

I really don't know what my mother was diagnosed with or if she was ever at all. Her mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My mother has always avoided doctors unless she was physically sick. She's highly intelligent and despises any sort of discussion regarding her mental state; though she has been diagnosing everyone for years with a degree in anthropology and sociology. She adamantly denies having any mental disorder.

I believe she learned early on in her life what was socially acceptable behavior to keep from being institutionalized. At home she let loose. Oh God, did she let loose. Everyone in the family knew she was sick, but nothing was done. When my dad and his family tried to get custody of me, my mother threatened them. It worked - I won't go into the details. Only that it was a nightmare.

My mother does work as a social worker. She has good friends that I believe take care of her emotionally; one especially she is very close with and happens to be a clinical therapist. She still has fears like she use to but she doesn't escalate as high as she use to all the time. She knows when to not go into work. She started working late in life and I'm very proud of her and still very scared of her. I had to be the adult when I was a kid. It's a mother-daughter relationship I've tried for years to heal, cope with, and try to have something non-escalated. My therapist says the only way is to cut ties. That is really hard for me. My mother has a part of her that is very loving. She would kill for me, even if it meant me dying in the process. She has the worst rage. I've always been her verbal punching bag. I love her very much, but most times after talking to her I'm a mess. It's a tough subject.

Thanks for caring.

soshy

main perpetrator was the children in the elementary school
i suppose i looked weak and
i guess lots of people thought i looked weak because
until middle school i was always picked on in one way or another
i learned to keep to myself