-
Comment of the century: → "Ppl still laughing at conspiracy theorists while locked in their homes VOLUNTARILY. Read that again⚘" http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing...y-emoticon.gif
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS-avIZUMoA
That's my fill for the night. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif
-
In search of a new spot away from others:
https://i.ibb.co/WzFMf8W/Off-Road-Scooter-Spot.jpg
The tree to the left looks like it's in a predicament. I think I know how that feels. I'm always about finding spots away from others, although when doing this in town you can always here the road. Better than nothing though. If the animals and birds can find refuge in it, I guess it's good enough for me. That said, there is no where near enough of the space I need. I think I will or organise to take the car for a trip one day and just go hiking on my own two feet. I'm going to have to wait a long time for my shoulder to be any good with that kind of weight ... the scooter I mean re putting in my car. 40kg was not so bad before my damn accident, but now ... that would break me :( ... It was good though finding a place just to sit with the trees. Hopefully I can get the operation I need and be able to lift heavy objects all in good time. 51 is still too young to be frail.
https://i.ibb.co/6845mQR/Map-Overvie...ns-Reserve.png
-
I'm almost too scared to say it because I have failed many times in the last what; I don't know it's been so damn long. I'm referring to those times that I use this journal of mine to overcome my atypical episodes of depression and a wide array of other negative mind sets. When I am doing well in terms of my-self, I am usually dragged down by the/a resistance of/to this world, as my recovery path goes in quite the opposite direction to that of society. Resistance is as tenacious as it is addictive. Two things that mean the same thing but branch out like vines on the above tree. How to coexist? I'll have to go back and give the tree another look. :)
I try not to think so much but will reflect more on that throughout my day as I am yet again in the process of reclaiming what potential for peace I have left. Small steps. ZZZZzzzzzz Still waking up.
______________________________________
One of those steps was letting go of the holistic healer who was coming on strong in her attempts manifest money. Her new age talk was getting too strong and she slipped into the trap of treating me like a commodity. I had previously sensed that for me, I was slowly losing my own healing independence. That point not so easy to explain other than letting go of the effort and discipline to make connections within myself was seeing me fast fall into a whole new reliance factor. I had to question the latter with the same reflection and discernment I do when thinking in terms of the medical model. It's never so black and white. The complexity comes down to the individuals you see, their own set of beliefs, energy as well as those of mine.
But I try to keep it simple. I am better off doing most things myself. I don't mind human integration under the right circumstances, but once you mix money into it and call it a service; for some reason in my universe it never works. I really was more able (despite being officially pegged as disabled) before the system altered existing free community services and turned them into paid ones. The change that has taken place in that something to discuss another time. Only by understanding such things can the pros be utilized and the cons be avoided. I'm still utilizing said services - but questioning as I go because I miss the times I was doing so much better on my own. It's hard for me to admit, but I have been absorbed by the very system to which I have often objected to in my writings ... to that which I often resist. I once more think of that tree with the vines wrapped around it's trunk. Are the vines lose or are they tight?
Is all in the mindset I guess. To accept or reject - yadda yadda. How to take control without resistance by allowing one's boat to float down the stream without worrying what's at the end. To keep that grounded in this so called age of COVID19 ... one is amused whilst depressed at just how blinded this world really be. On that note, I feel the testing ground for bigger things yet to come is now relaxing and for sure people will just go back to being fully brainwashed more then ever before. This including any who might of temporarily woken up. I was warmed somewhat again by my mother in a recent message. Something about how both her husband and herself drift off to sleep each night whilst holding hands; amidst the isolation of this world. Mum did not say it like that - but that sounds like a brief enough summery and was how it resonated with me. I worry for her as Dad will almost be dead soon. Strong word but true enough. But then mum has her faith which I am glad for. Whilst it's not in line with anything I 'don't' have - her line of being is also not of this world which also makes me glad. :)
To be in this world but not of the world. I am all for that.
-
Been down somewhat and avoiding feeding the feeling, but you know what they say about ignoring it as well. ELEVEN THOUSAND $$$$$$$$$$ to reconnect the joints in my shoulder. The residual pain has now made even riding the scooter and or riding the scooter no good for one or the other. The bone separation has popped even more. It's just become very depressing all over. My weight is almost skyrocketed back to 100KG which for a short guy like me is now bordering on dangerous. I HATE being overweight because just like with my sensitivity to textures of clothes, I feel so uncomfortable when only several kg overweight let along 30kgs over. The last time I was 30+kg over my optimal weight was when on medications.
I'm trying, but the exercise I can't do anymore in my current condition and whilst walking is something I can most definitely do ... the hole issue with my shoulder has smashed my confidence lower than it was before. Sigh ... I don't expect my mother to be able to come to the party on that price and not sure I want her too. The public system with the way things are now is going to take a very very long time and even then, those idiots wanted to do physiotherapy on my fucked up shoulder ... I mean like WTF ... the surgeon told me to cancel that shit as it would more than likely just have me end up worse. This the system that bolted my wife's ankle back on crooked. THAT SAID ... anything is better than a non functional ligament that only ends in pain whenever doing anything.
OK OK ... enough bitching.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
-
I really don't know what to say or why I am even bothering to try say anything. I have been like a zombie of late just winging each day other than looking out for the little guy. I think my wife has been the same. Very worried about the upcoming court date and pretty much decided that if we loose the little guy that our lives will be devastated. That would be the equivalent of someone coming into your house and taking your 6 year old son or daughter away from you regardless of the best interested of the child. We really are the only two people who have been stable in all his 5 to 6 years. He will not get the care he needs if he is taken from us - but I leave that be for now as it too painful to go any deeper. The damn corona SCARE whatever the fuck you want to play into has slowed everything down with this latest angst dragging on for fuck knows how long.
Moving on ... I should be very pleased (and I am) that my mother has come to the part re the much needed operation. Just so much pain and stress at every angle.
I best get to bed. The amount of weight I have put on is pretty disgusting. I don't know what else to say about that. I feel I have let myself down way too much but also feel I just have to let whatever be as as. I guess I am still falling into what I must. My body is in pain, feels clogged up and all scaly. I got to get a grip!!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz
That said ... as far as a team goes ... we are going out a little each day as a little 3 person family. That does feel good. We need to do more of that with all this uncertainty. I just want this *&^%ing family court case over and done with ... has been going on nearly as long at the little guy has been alive ... nearly 6 years ... so lets say 5. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
-
Laughs out loud. I just can't help myself of late. I fell off the damn scooter whilst testing the brakes in my back yard after working on the hydraulics. Pull my damn calf muscle in a bad way. WTF is wrong with me of late? Without a doubt the extra 45 pounds added to that accident. Man ... just so fully of tension all round. It's amazing how long term anxiety stressed the body. Of course all the bad choices and just plain giving up is something I have to take responsibility for. I will give myself credit for finally working the hydraulics brakes on my scooter. That goal is supper important for me if I am to remain independent re my scooter.
SIGH ... I really don't like this path I am on of late, but I will do my best to accept it. Until we get a court date re the little fella, the angst just seems to be building. The dread from that point will most likely be worse. It's really painful to see my wife suffering the uncertainty, yet inspiring to see how strong she can be when it comes to giving that little boy what he needs. I include myself re that tact. The only thing I might be guilty of is giving him too many hugs and spoiling him when it comes to thinking of what may be.
So now my shoulder is smashed and I am limping as well. hahahahahaaaa ... arrr. Tonight I did take pain killer. Have been playing a LOT of games to bide the tension re above and deal with the world's latest events.
I miss my brother. Had a lucid dream that felt so real the other night. Kinds of sensing my mum wont be around much longer. That mean's both my biological parents will soon be gone. My brother already gone. That leaves only my sister left. But hey - I have my wife and grandson ... touch wood. It's so true that we come into this world alone and go out the same way. Not so simple I know. We come in with what I used to think was a clean slate but no longer know. I do know that the slate if muddled beyond recognition with a precondition identity that overloads one's true self whatever that really is. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Is OK, I won't go there.
Not much else to say. Just riding out what I must. PWD (Advocates from People With Disabilities) are taking on my case re the drama that happened no so long ago at Fraser Coast Radiology. Apparently someone else copped a full on case of discriminatory stigma re their own challengers as was likewise brow beaten into submission or they refuse to help. It was a good move getting an advocate to bat for me. The good Lord knows I have done it for others so many times. Now I am in the position of needing that help. There is just no avoiding the damn hospitals despite my claims of wishing to die on the side walk rather than have to endure such a toxic environment as I find them to be.
The noises, the rushing about, the bright lights, the cross chatter, the invasive projected TV screens with no access to an off button combined with the inescapable dismissals + patronizing both inadvertent and blatant all wrapped up into one. That's a recipe of perpetual triggers for the best of us let alone anyone with autistic traits. I'm getting worse with that shit as well. In my own environment a completely different story.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz night night.
This is nice with headphones ... so far so good. No lyrics - no speeches. Other than being there for those that need me or those I still have the capacity to help ... I really with all my heart want off this damn rock. :(
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWsk6P_Me9o
-
I'm going to stow away on the final product of this once they sort out all the bugs. That said I would much prefer an alien ship.
Almost about to ignite static fire test:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJpVo_FovIE
-
Touch Wood - New routine seems to be in place. You can do this Dave!
-
Almost 9pm and I am ready for bed as it should be. Couple of days without coffee, sugar, salt and all the associate garbage I have been binge eating of of late. I have had plenty of false starts this year but figure it's safe to make a note of it for now. The gaming has also burnt a rut into my brain. If I am to have this operation I need to start healing myself now to give myself a better chance for the artificial ligament to take. I'd really like to have the use of my shoulder back some time soon. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz I'm also burning out too easy each day with all this extra killer weight. I know age will get me in the end, but no sense in making the suffering any worse than it ought to be. All those comfort choice have wound up making me feel a lot more uncomfortable in the end. We really bullshit ourselves when it comes to those tasteful things ... well I know I do at least. Yawns ...
Very sleepy during the days ... but as long as I can go cold turkey I don't care. Cold Turkey is the only way that works for me.
Here's to another successful day. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I do beleive my skin is in less pain.
-
Time to mellow out:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcUAG6t5aN8
Nailed another day. ZZZZZzzz Very early night tonight.