I Was Prescribed DIAZEPAM aka Valium
Journal Entry 10/05/2019: 24 hours deep into researching a New Game. I did say I was looking for a new digital reality to escape into. My timing could not be better. It just so happened my World of Tanks Buddy was also itching to find a new game. He found one and since leaving me with a few vids to check it out, I've been lost in sporadic research for two days. Only just coming up for air now but can see I best be getting to bed. Thankfully I have still been getting up in the mornings with tonight being a late one. To be fair, one morning off will not kill me. I have earned a good rest and recovery.
OK ... just quickly. The psychiatrist was itching to give me some medication. I was rather erratic and now betting Adult ADHD will be sown into his long list of defects. lol - I mean Diagnosis. I wanted to give him some hope in treating me so gave in after some objections by saying "You got anything that does not make me fat?" - We ended up going for the DIAZEPAM aka Valium. I did not mind so much because it's just something I can use when having a hard time dealing with stuff. I have to admit I have been struggling of late. Whilst I still have endome left for the previous episode of actually medical conditions and their related pain ... I guess it's good to have something on hand that's actually been prescribed for panic attacks. So it's come to this hey. Crazy Dave finally giving in to the meds.
The shrink (excuse my cynicism as I will admit he is trying as he only knows how) from Lisa's point of view would not be giving them to me if he did not trust me. (as in apparently this particular doc is not heavily into meds) He knows I am not big on them at any rate. More a case of him seeing me in a bit of a state I think and gauging me from what he knows of me. Whilst I did want to appease him with playing into his own apparent wish to prescribe ... I am content to have them on hand as I am just over trying to cope in society doing it the hard core way. That said, after taking only HALF a 5 mg tablet, I could not beleive how after 20 minutes I was feeling 'almost' on the nod. Super Sensitive Dave!!! I typcally suffer all the side affects as well. This doc was surprised when I told him how seroquel/quetiapine affected me in the long run, but I really don't think he is as much in the know if he can't admit it's not for everyone. I listed several other drugs to let him know I had experience with what I was talking about. That's how we ended up settling for Diazepam as better than nothing. In that I will give him credit for trying to do his job.
Without a doubt I could make half a tab seem like nothing if I abuse it ... "Pffft that does nothing!" Spoken like a true addict or someone that's become too reliant. "Oh but I take 800mg!!!" (if your taking 800mg - No Offense ... this is just my story! Mores the power to you if you wish to keep taking 800mg I can respect and understand that.) But for now ... like I say ... FUCK IT ... I will take when my mind is either in runaway train mode and or raging with intrusive thoughts, but not going to allow myself to become reliant. There is 50 Tablets in the bottle and I see half a once working well for day time use on those occasions I want to tackle something new or just don't want others to support me. I am yet to do a solo bus trip - so might experiment using half a pill to see if in fact it does lower my anxiety. The trick is to use it a few times where I then get used to the actual act (public transport or just dealing with public stuff [where people just treat everyone the same with no regard for an individuals limitation) that freaks me out (too much info to remember and so on - still don't know my own phone number ... it's not just all about acting out. I have legit traits that make it hard as well - BUT - the anxiety does make it a lot worse. Last thing I want is to become reliant though. I will post on how I go with self medicating with balance in mind.
It takes me a bit to clear the fog and keep up with my exercise (when taking meds which is why I try to avoid them at all cost) to which although I have once sore starting out muscles ... I am on a pretty good wicket with my recent psychical efforts and not going to let the be wasted by stopping or allowing my progress to be fragmented via 'too much' medication use. Oh Yea ... HUNGER when taking those pills is also something that is hard. I fucking ate like a horse a few hours after taking half a one of those. I'll be watching that for sure. Will just have to keep drinking water and time my meals combined with stressful activities/plans/goals re the use of medication/self pacification. I say self in the context of acceptance. I see how I go. I need to get a grip as if I do this right ... my wife can get a sigh of relief. :) Bless her soul ... she has done so well putting up with me. I would say I her as well, but lord help me for even thinking it. hehehe
Hmmmmm ... what else ... I try and get some sleep. NO ... not using the pills. LOL. I want to wake up as fresh as I am able, stretch and go for a walk. Although not intending to wake up before the sun (as I have been doing) I will hopefully catch some morning rays and have enough freedom to later mow my yard.
Adios until next post. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz