Time To Get Back Up Again
I figured I best follow through on my intention to start a new journal again; having mentioned it to a friend. I figured it was me dragging the forum down but it's been a couple of months now and after quietly lurking on the side, I can see if anything ... traffic has dropped off even more. Not to worry though ... is no big deal for me or anyone else that want's to lurk on the side. Lurking is AOK in my book. Pressuring people to integrate can be real draining at times. When my methods for stability kick in, interacting comes more naturally. In that regard I have missed this space.
I hope you get time to pop in like old times D ... if not ... no worries. Some of the old gang might pop back in to see if I am still alive and then we always get those few peeps that take a chance with saying hi. Always good to make new online friends.
So what's the news my end???? I'm still rather unwell, but sick of feeling sick. The news is up and down, but I will try to weigh more on the desire for wellness. My derailing can 100% be attributed to all that investigations into past abuse re compensation. The good news there is that I have finally got all the paper work and the associated documents read to post. Just waiting on one last bit of mail to come in. The latter is actually good news. After much deliberation and an ongoing review, I have finally been accepted on the National Disability Insurance Scheme. Otherwise known as NDIS in Australia where I live. I was already on a disability pension due to my mental illness's, but now this new system opens doors in other areas. I won't go into detail on it just yet ... as I have a planner meeting to go to and you never know how these things pan out as the benefits can often be swayed depending on the people that cross the desk. It's still a very new system as far as mental health goes and full of as many holes as there are opportunities. Basically the context of NDIS to the National Redress Scheme on past abuse is more to do with impact as relates to me. Whilst a few lose ends ... thanks to the help of my long standing therapist, wife and other community supports I no longer have ... I think I can focus a little on getting back to doing what works for me.
I still have one complaint left that's been going for months now ... re a manager of one of the mental health facilities I was attending. The too is nearing its end. BUT ... there will always be something. So having accepted that .. I am now doing my best to get back into a routine.
I've put on a tone of weight ... but that's OK. I intend to do something about it, but not going to bear myself up. I have renewed my gym membership. I just need to start using it once more is all. I am battling on the treadmill is all. The social phobia is back in full swing, despite my attempts. Alas the treadmill offers me a focal point facing a wall with my back turned away from others. I like it that way. I can just focus on my walk, jog, walk and jog. I then get off and that's my work out done. I really am back at square one, yet I feel good for having just got up out of bed, getting dressed and making my way to the gym regardless if I just do 10 minutes on the treadmill.
I think that pretty much sums up where I am at.
Take care folks.
Adios ... until next post.
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I'm still enjoying my gaming distractions. Currently in the early stages of a huge Cities: Skylines Tutorial. 65 vids longs. I'm only into video 5. I'm in no rush ...
https://image.ibb.co/ivZyUf/Cities-Skylines.jpg
Dealing with a Toxic System
Respectfully, Why I Will Never Again Set Foot Inside Your Office.
Dear 'Government Worker/NDIS planer',Respectfully, Why I Will Never Again Set Foot Inside Your Office:
Two points to this dilemma of not being able to come back to your office and losing trust in the very system that claims it's their to support me:
1. Environment and Lack of Insight.
2. Conflict of Interest.
1. Environment and Lack of Insight:
I feel I was deceptively lead into an Employment Agency via an NDIS planning meeting. As a result, what little 'Trust/Hope' I had - has now been crushed.
The thing about suicidal tendencies is that you don't really care what authority or power threatens you; although this is a double bind because fear still dictates 24/7. None the less I will not dictated to in order to receive support. I don't need that kind of support. The fact the 'no one' warned me that I would be walking back into an Employment Agency regarding NDIS, and given the particular event that lead to my disability pension ... those facts alone only further validate the insanity that plagues me regardless of what certified labels are pinned on me.
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One of the last times I set foot into a Employment Agency was with a Petrol Can & Rope. This resulted in Police Intervention and being pensioned off. I've been trying not to harp about it ever since. However despite not being arrested, locked up or admitted, those events are still very much alive for me ... and will be for the rest of my life. The permanency of my condition has been validated to your superiors many times.
Adding to that, that my history is already on record and still no one told me that I would be heading back into an Employment Agency regarding NDIS. Let's just say I am once again bouncing off the walls and have no intention of walking back into your office. Again, the fact that authorities already know about these events, and then makes me fight to get assistance only to have me march back into their oppressive system. I only ask that you think about that. I like you and do not hold these systemic issues against you. I think you are good at your job and hope to see you again ... as agreed.
2. Conflict of Interest:
'Government Worker' ( ... a staff member in your office who was at the centre of most recent events regarding the public humiliation I suffered via 'Flourish Australia Hervey Bay' and it's area manger - 'Government Worker' to whom is currently under investigation for discriminatory practices) ... now having moved from his position then with Flourish Australia, now taking on his new role as an NDIS assessor / staff → could not allow allow me to walk in undisturbed but instead decides to say 'Hi Dave ..." On this my wife hits the nail on the head, by suggesting given the history between him, I and Flourish Australia, that ('Government Worker') just had to make his presence known.
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It's important that these background events be taken into consideration rather than just dismiss my feelings and choices as merely reactive and conducive to my 'certified labels.' I'm trying not to focus on my certified symptoms or act purely form a persecutory point of view. (aka victim mentality) What I am outlining here once again is systemic failures and being very forward in why I will not be coming back into your office.
IMPACT on the day and since:
Let not my ability to convey from my own space conflict the nature of my disabling traits.
As you know, my speech was extremely erratic, fast paced to which paved the way for my typical one way babbling. I am aware and now sorry (somewhat ashamed) that me being that way made it very hard for both my wife and you to help and assist. My wife says to me that I impeded your job due to my state, and that this will probably affect the quality of help I would of otherwise received. Hence this is typical of my life these days and why I am seeking such supports.
Already not doing well before (as specified on my applications, reviews and assessment material) I am now beside myself - once again caring less. I still want to get support because as history, I & others know, I do well when I have it. Especially when not having to continually prove myself and or being oppressed through sheer oversight and systemic imperfection. (When those outcomes our based on my stability and what's best for me rather than job creation.)
I regret that the start to our meeting has only exacerbated my natural predispositions, yet I wish to continue on this plan to receive help. I wish to make it clear though that I will not participate in a building associated with employment. I was victimized for many years under that system and the events that lead me to exiting play very much into why I will not wiling enter into such buildings. I also say one more time ... I will never comply or enter into goals/aims and agendas based on Job Creation.
I am sorry for the long email (NDIS Planner), but this is a far better option than me walking back into your office with a petrol can and rope. I beleive I have made my point and done so as mindfully as I could. I need to know that in all this I am well understood. Please pass this important and relevant information onto the NDIS Anchorites. Nothing changes for me as far as I am concerned.
Please advice of any would be breaches or rejections coming my way due to these here statements. As agreed, I do look forward to you seeing again outside your office and hope we can work together in bringing about stability. Please feel free to contact 'Government Funded Worker' (a long standing physiologist working regular with me for number years) who knows just how well I can do, when I receiving support in a Safe, well Structured and Consistent environment.
In summery, my dealings with the Government and now your office have been anything but Safe, Structured and Consistent. Once again ... nothing personal to you ('Government Worker/NDIS planer'). You did your best to make calm me down and reassure me. I apologize for my then anxious state as to how we met. I hope this email shows you that I can be so much more. I think your quite genuine and awesome at your job. It really is more about the circumstances, complacency and the Lack of Insight typical to an overwhelming system. It is what it is. I just had to express and make it formal. Please do attach this my NDIS notes this information from my perspective will impact ongoing relations. This kind of thing I will end up sleeping on for weeks and months.
Thank You ('Government Worker/NDIS planer').
Yours Sincerely
Welfare Recipient.