The Outside World

I don't think I consider myself a true agoraphobic. I have the creeps being outside my home, crowds bug me, sometimes just sitting on my front porch where someone walking by will give me pause but I don't think I am agoraphobic. I am a self-proclaimed shut in.
My upbringing has some to do with it. While other kids played with friends, went on summer vacation, talked on the phone we spent our summer months sequestered to our country home hidden away from the rest of the world. My parents did and still do not have friends that visit their home. My dad has a few work acquaintances but that's it. They did not have a phone or Internet until just a few years ago.
I went into the big world naive, vulnerable to suggestion, trusting. There was no malevolence or ulterior motive in my childhood. Quickly I was snatched up as an easy target and given a crash course on the seedy underbelly of human nature. I was disallowed by my husband to leave without permission, to make friends, see a doctor and to be perfectly honest it wasn't all that devastating. I found comfort in confinement to some degree.
A little aside. I have a distinct inability to pick up social or conversational cues. I can't read a person's face and guess what they are feeling. I have a tendency to interrupt others, misunderstand things, and I am terribly gullible. I take everything said at complete face value. I am ill equipped for face to face social interaction.
Suddenly my life changed and I was free from it all. I didn't feel free though. Suddenly I not only had the ability to come and go as I pleased, I had to in order to get by and raise my kid.
I am not afraid of the outside world, I just feel like I have a pretty decent snapshot of what is out there for someone like me. On rare occasion I will engage in social interaction. Sometimes I make myself invite friends over, or go for my midnight walks to the store, just to prove to myself I can do it if I chose. I have made a very select few friends since my newfound "freedom" but most days I spend my time indoors, rearranging furniture, reading until I can no longer see the pages (my eye sight was affected by another health issue but I haven't bothered to see the optometrist for a new prescription.
I'm not jaded or afraid, I don't think the world is out to get me, I am just unfit for the outside world.

I start back to school in the fall and I will be back outside daily again. As much as I realize I need the career change away from a field I am no longer healthy enough to be a part of, a small part of me resists the notion. I hate sitting on my ass collecting a marriage retirement check (aka survivor benefits) yet I know eventually I will rejoin the real world, be back into the day to day grind (anxiety and heart willing) and secretly pine for the days I could stay in my home all day.

So here are the questions. How does one that has willingly chosen to stay inside learn to be comfortable with the outside world? How does one so socially inept go through the day to day without falling victim to the evils of others' intentions, without constantly inadvertently offending others, or at the very least fake having some modicum of knowledge about social cues? I don't have these answers.

When will the real sae come out of the closet? Whatever moves you closer to full disclosure is good. Even an AS diagnosis.

I am glad that you are improving (outlook) day to day and in very real terms getting in touch with who you are. And you are making strides, even if sometimes you cannot see the results of these small steps.

I feel a message coming through (channel) it is strong so I'll let it go from here -

Now, in regard to your future, and your questions. You have heard the saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same things, thinking the same things, being the same thing, and expecting different results". You understand that you must be cognizant of this, especially in the use of your imagination. How you picture your future. The motive and intent of 'getting out there', you see, you need to tread lightly. We do not want repeats of the past, including abuse of any sort.

The heart. Oh my dear sae. How we have told you that you are loved deeply. And so we will give you your personal watchword for change. True change.

Grace.

First we will define it in human terms as per the dictionary:


A way of moving that is smooth and attractive and that is not stiff or awkward
A controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving
Skills that are needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations

We want you to study, practice, and begin to implement grace into your life. In your human contact, in your thinking, in your being. This will be tremendous growth for you. This is part of the life theme- lesson, you are meant to see the results of grace on your being. Should you become 'graceful' than that is what you shall receive back from your peers. And you will be happy.

Grace will heal, grace will inspire you to remove the beloved masks that you wear. Grace will allow love to find you, and grace will release ancient trapped energies and resolve any heart troubles. It is our intent that you physically feel good you understand, and so we show you the way, reminding you of the plan, your plan.

Thus far the troubled life has been difficult, but you are almost there. Temper the strong urges with grace, and humility toward others. Because you have fine tuned the self in those attributes and so exude power only capable from a position of love.

We have taken interest in you since your first post. Know you are special and follow our advice to a T. Spend 30 minutes, no more, daily in the imagination, eyes closed, picturing the self already in possession of these desired character traits, acting as if, and visualizing acceptance and love flowing to you from people and life. Picture your health vibrant and alive, feeling good, and comfortable with physical wealth.

Within 30-45 days you will see physical results of this practice and a renewed sense of purpose will come through, altering your future plans to be more in line with renewed purpose rather than recreating the past. We do not want you to hit the streets running with old false beliefs, hurt, pains, as the impetus or backing you understand. This is why a change is needed to produce new future experiences.

Blessings and love, that is all we have for now, we behoove that you listen, even if you do not believe in us or the power of your unseen friends to guide and heal.

I don't have the answers either. Your life is changing, and bringing you new experiences. I always want to be prepared for the things that scare me. Perhaps you do too.

If you're unable to answer your questions, to prepare, perhaps life will answer them for you, over time, as you take on these new activities and spend more time with people.

It doesn't matter whether you offend anyone at first, you can try your hardest not to but you can't beat yourself up for not being socially adept after all this time. You will relax in the normal world again, it'll just take time whether long or short, but you will get there.