Intrusive thoughts of suicide

About a week ago I had a massive panic attack, unlike anything I’ve ever had before . I got so scared and in my head I literally thought I was loosing control. I always delt with anxiety and intrusive thoughts but never like this. Why is my brain treating me like this!? So after the panic ended , the fear has crept in and wont seem to lift. I’m basically afraid of “snapping” and killing myself. When I say it out loud it sounds so stupid, but it has been festering like crazy and cant seem to let the thought go. I have literally been thinking about it for a week straight. And then start to panic what if I am never able to shake this thought and it drives me to do it. Has any ever felt this way? Will it go away? I went to the doctors and got on 20mg of citalopram. It is a medication I have been on before and seemed to help really well for my anxiety in the past… but I could use some words of encouragement!

Hi iwantmylifeback. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I have been there myself, but I also know it's possible to shake this with the right help, work, and support. If you've followed any of my posts on this site, you'll know I'm a big supporter of anxietycentre.com, as their help has healed me nearly 100% - and this is coming from someone who experienced everything you list above and to the extreme. Fear of losing control and suicide were very common for me. I copying and pasting a public article from anxietycentre.com below that addresses some of what you're talking about. I hope it helps. Also, if you'd like to hear more about my personal story, you can find it here at this link on this site:

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...ange-Your-Life

Fear of losing control

Anxiety and the fear of losing control symptom description:

This symptom can feel like you might lose control of your mind, thoughts, and/or actions; that you are on the verge of going crazy; feel like you are about to “lose it,” feel like you are about to become uncontrollably hysterical.

You might also feel as though you might lose control and do something awful to someone you love, or that you might "lose it" and do something to make yourself look foolish, such as becoming uncontrollably frightened, having to run away, passing out, vomiting in public, gagging uncontrollably, stumbling around, choking uncontrollably, losing control of your bowels, “freaking out,” and so on.

You also might also feel that you might not be able to control what you say or do.

The thoughts, "What if I lose control?” “What if I do something awful?” “What if I snap?” “What if I make a fool of myself?” and ”What will people think of me?" commonly occur in association with this feeling.

These types of thoughts can be fleeting, frequent, or persistent, and can be mildly noticeable, moderately bothersome, or greatly problematic.

These types of thoughts may be associated with an active stress response, an increase in anxiety and stress, or can occur seemingly for no apparent reason.

These types of thoughts can change from day to day, and even from moment to moment.

All combinations and variations of the above are common.

What causes the fear and feeling of losing control?

Being stressed and anxious (worried, apprehensive, fretful, fearful) causes the body to produce the stress response. The stress response secretes stress hormones into the bloodstream where they travel to targeted spots in the body to bring about specific physiological, psychological, and emotional changes that enhance the body’s ability to deal with a threat—to either fight with or flee from it—which is the reason the stress response is often referred to as the fight or flight response. A part of this change affects how the brain functions.

For example, the stress response causes the fear center of the brain (amygdala) to become more active and the rationalization areas of the brain (cortex) to become subdued. This change causes a heightened sense of urgency and danger, and a reduced ability to rationalize information—it’s safer to take immediate action to fight with or run away from danger than it is to stop and think about it before taking action.

As the level of fear increases, so does the magnitude of the stress response changes. Consequently, if you are gravely afraid, you will most likely experience severe thoughts of urgency and danger yet have a harder time rationalizing them. This reaction can make it feel as though you are about to “lose it” (lose control of your thoughts and actions), and/or “go crazy.”

But even though it may FEEL like you are about to lose your mind, lose control, or go crazy, you won’t. The worst that can happen is that you become afraid that you might, and that’s it. There is NO link between being fearful and losing control.

While it might feel like you could lose control, you are always in control of your behaviors (thoughts and actions). Learning to contain your behavior gives you complete control. We explain containment in Chapter 6 in the Recovery Support area of our website.

When you experience these heightened fears and thoughts, remember that this is how the body responds when grave danger is perceived, that you CAN’T lose control, and that as the nervous system calms down your thinking patterns will return to normal. You are ALWAYS in control of your actions, no matter how "out of control" your impressions may seem.

Moreover, when the body becomes stress-response hyperstimulated, the change in brain functioning can persist. So as long as the body is overly stressed, it can experience any symptom of elevated stress, including this one, even long after the initial stressor has passed.

How to overcome the feeling like you are about to lose control

When this anxiety symptom is caused by anxiety and stress, the best way to eliminate it is to recognize it is being caused by an active stress response and/or a body that’s overly stressed. Then, calm yourself down and reduce your body’s stress. As your body calms down, this feeling should subside.

You have to keep in mind, however, that it can take a long time for the body to calm down once it has become overly stressed. Therefore, the feeling like you are about to lose control could linger for awhile, and until your body is much calmer and less stressed.

Nevertheless, when this symptom is caused by an active stress response and/or persistently elevated stress, it isn’t a reason for concern. Most people experience this symptom when overly anxious and/or stressed. The difference, however is that anxious people worry about this feeling and what it might mean, whereas non anxious people don't.

If you want to eliminate this feeling, calm yourself down, reduce your stress, and don’t worry about this feeling. It will subside when your body is sufficiently rested. It isn't being caused by a medical or mental health problem. It is being caused by how the body responds to stress and an anxious person responds to the feeling.

Much more could be said about this symptom. We have a more complete explanation in Chapter 9 in the Recovery Support area of our website, including what you can do to overcome this feeling for good.

Also, If you were to think back on some of your worst anxiety episodes, you’ll most likely discover that even though you were really afraid, you were still able to walk, talk, go to the bathroom if you needed to, drink or eat something if you wanted to, drive, use the phone, run, and so on. If you were really out of control, you wouldn’t have been able to do any of these activities because all of these require willful choices and deliberate actions.

Even if you were absolutely terrified, you were still able to function normally in spite of the fear. You are always in charge of your thoughts and actions! That is the psychological and biochemical reality regarding anxiety. My therapist that I've worked with gave me a very helpful tip: when you are feeling like you're going to lose control, stare at five different things, "listen to four different things, touch three different things, smell two different things, and taste something. This will serve as a reminder that you are I charge of your free will thoughts and actions, even though you may be afraid. It also works as a good distraction from our fearful thinking.

Some really self empowering advice there Roadtorecovery. Especially love the ending of last post.

Iwantmylifeback ... you feeling any better today?

How are you doing? It looks like you have anxiety and depression. Depression is a common and debilitating mood disorder affecting more and more people around the world. An estimated 350 million people of all ages experience symptoms of depression. Moderate depression can turn severe over time and lead to suicide. Every year approximately 1 million people experiencing depression die by suicide.
Medicines shouldn't be the main treatment for depression. Pharmacotherapy must be combined with psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is an essential part of treatment for depression. It teaches people strategies and gives them tools to deal with stress and unhealthy thoughts and behaviors .A good therapist can help you cope with feelings and symptoms, and change behavior patterns that may contribute to your illness.

Hi i wanttobeok i have lost my older brother to suicide he was also an alcoholic it was his way of trying of dealing with depression he was given medicine but he didn't take the medicine regularly so unfortunately it didn't work so i would advise you if you're gp prescribes medicine try to take it and if you feel its not working tell you're doctor there's lots of different types to try until you get one that helps you dont give up hope keep strong

How are you getting on?

Sending love!