Anxiety, Panicking and looking for a cure
Hello! My name is Melissa and I am 19 (20 in 2 weeks). I have suffered from depressive traits and bipolar since I can remember.
As a child, the doctor wanted to go down the autistic route because of my moods and OCD, thankfully my mother did not let this happen as she did not want me 'labelled' she just wanted help on how to make me happy (it is 'thankfully' as it is very obvious that I am not autistic). My mother did research on how parents deal with autistic children and some of these methods did work! My OCD is so much better than it was and I find it a lot easier to deal with if it creeps up on me.
At the age of 12 I began suffering from anxiety/panic attacks every night when I went to bed and it got to the point where I could not get to sleep without my stepfather sitting next to my bed and holding my hand. I went to therapy and it was fantastic! Well, for the first appointment.. Unfortunately my therapist went on maternity leave after only 1 appointment with her so I was passed on to a different therapist. This different therapist did not listen, he presumed things and even asked me questions such as "do you throw bricks at old people"! As you can imagine, I never went back and still have a fear of going to therapy.
My stepfather slowly eased me out of having to have him there to fall asleep and this would just leave me awake all night, until one night I fell straight asleep and didn't have another panic attack for another 5 years!
I was always a big eater. Food was literally my hobby and I even remember my mum saying to me "please don't ever change" whilst I wolfed down a huge Sunday dinner, almost the same sized plate as my 6ft stepfather! I was at a sleepover with my best friends, we were all eating a takeaway and I suddenly began to panic. I paced around the house for a while and tried controlling my breathing until it stopped.. and my eating hasn't been the same since. In fact, now, I barely eat 1 meal a day. Yesterday, I ate less than 1 slice of beans on toast and a chocolate bun and some crisps. What the hell happened to me?!
I stopped eating for around 6 months and by my 18th birthday I was living in a young peoples hostel and looked anorexic. Unfortunately, due to my moods my mother sent me to my dads house for a while, and as the crappy father he has always been, he put me straight into a hostel for homeless children because he didn't want to look after me. I was there for 6 weeks before I told my mum and she took me home.
Since this, I'm constantly up and down. I go through periods of having attacks very often and then I go through periods of not having any for ages. I start eating really well and put weight on, then I stop eating almost all together.
At the moment I'm having the attacks and my eating has dropped to almost a stop. My GP signed me off work for 2 weeks and I agreed to go to CBT, and unfortunately I lost my job of 2 years for having the 2 weeks off.
I'm now unemployed, suffering from attacks, worse than ever before, becoming more depressed and finding it difficult to drink never mind eat.
My hope is to get advice from other on here to help me defeat this anxiety and help others along the way, too!
