Dave's Space: Perseverance

There is no need to yell it. Capitalizing & exclamation marks just don't cut it. Why even bother? I beleive the answer is to follow the path of least resistance.

Putting the feelers out and see what comes. Filters where people say there are none.

Little by little. Finding one's way:

https://i.ibb.co/7zBGSvF/flower-crack.jpg

Ponders: 'reaction' ... how to avoid toxicity? Feeling the way... knowing what is toxic and what is not, or better said, "what can be endured & what can not. Knowing one's limits" Yet truth be told there is a lot more that affects one state of expression: How one reacts.

Environment: Setting the tone.

Let's put that to the test.

Seems a long time between reflections. Periods of laying down have gotten a lot longer. These days my body starts to shake when trying to stand. I’ve once again broken a new record with my weight gain as my height continues to shrink with each passing year. Premature twilight years.

Alas, my journey with obesity has severely impacted me. I have an ECG booked for three days’ time. About a week and a half ago I had my big toenail permanently removed. I received a few stitches during that procedure. Presently I am fighting an infection. I’m not healing like I should due to my poor state of health. I’ve had my antibiotics changed and now taking stomach meds to assist with nausea and digestive issues.

About four to six weeks ago (hard to remember) before the toenail removal, my wife wanted to call an ambulance due to long standing acute pain in my chest. I told her to hold off until I was non responsive as I don’t do well with twenty questions + being stigmatized which usually happens once my records are pulled. I find hospitals to be extremely toxic.

Thankfully the new GP I now see (family doctor since moved on) looks promising. I still go supported but once I can trust them I have been known to endure the process on the odd occasion by my myself.

Stitches come out when I get the ECG (but only if the infection subsides) I’m only posting because I think there is a chance (more hoping) I am on the mend... although is going to take at least another four weeks before I can put shoes back on.
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It's not all bad though. I have a new eBike sitting in the garage with a battery that needs cycling. Hopefully in a week’s time I’ll be well enough to get back in the saddle. That new bike is AWESOME and the only reason I get out and about when not forced to get supplies or attend critical appointments.

I did well to get some sun in the backyard today. Somehow managed to put a new mattress on my bed. Here’s hoping that makes for an improvement.

Opened my eyes at 1am. Rolled out of bed with toe still in pain but not enough to warrant pain medications. Scratch that. I think I'll chance a panadeine forte. I sense my gut can handle it for now. Currently on licorice tea with a teaspoon of honey. Infection still present and looks like it will be for some time yet. Still, I am willing incremental improvements with each passing night. I'll catch up on some sleep later this morning.

As much as I would like to write about life I find myself in the same spot with regards to my lack of desire for all things of this world. Yet once again I find myself here in this space. I guess that in itself is interesting enough. Regardless of just how more devoid this space has become. I've always said I prefer the void other than this existence typically referred to as life. I will always struggle with human perception. Belief and faith still a term that does not jive. I wish to give no power to any of the narratives yet the energy in which they are all spun, comes from the same cloth and is hard to escape. Its very draining and isolating. The latter more an effect when not complying. I've never belonged but not going to fall prey to some cult that plays on such self expression.

ZZZzzz What's the plan Dave? In as much as I now talk to myself, I understand the pain that's been written on the walls in this here forum; for the last however many months. It all amounts to the same thing. Kind of reasons why I am back in this here same spot; regardless of said void. That's just it. The rest of the world still does not cut it when compare to said pain. I actually prefer the fatigue and isolation to that which this world offers. I just tend to express it differently as tired of all the blaming and shaming. Unhealthy desires of all forms in terms of the body with regards to conditioning and addiction are still a bane. However, that is starting to have less an effect when it comes to blame and shame. Still, I am just as prone to reacting and just as much a slave to my victim status. Yet the despair and isolation that comes trough no longer being complicit regardless of participation... is something I favour over the opinions or thoughts of others; at least those aspects of people whom I can see and sense are caught up in said delusion. In this I am often misunderstood as I cut to the chase and get to the point when dealing with those under a spell. Although of late I do so with more care when dealing with the public. Sigh ... tis such a drain yet pays off to keep it polite regardless of my notions not to play along.

My inability to play along be more talking about not sitting with others when waiting for appointments. Requesting more info than what people at the desk are prepared to give and many other dynamics too long to list. As you get older, wiser and sicker you will understand ... although depending on how much one fears death, that being usually what dictates the level of one complicit nature when dealing with such toxic places. This be the same for all aspects of society from education, employment, whatever 'services' and so on. The more you see just how brainwashed people be, the more you go from social phobia to agoraphobia. Is how the despair and isolation works - is how those narrative and all those algorithms work. But I finish by saying once more that the byproduct is more preferable than the being party to the cause of such suffering.

I turn the audio off to any adverts when viewing anything on a screen that I think might be a worthwhile watch. I no longer read books that are written in a format or style to influence. I do not acknowledge any form of authority that seeks to do the same in any form or other. I leave when friends turn on the NEWS or listen to commercial radio or media of any kind. In fact I just let go of another friend where I now only have one or two via long distant relations. Close family is another story as the isolation is not as bad as it seems when we all suffer similar with similar perceptions of the world. I am happy that I have had some positive impact with respect to those perceptions of reality... as those relations I have fostered over a lifetime with my wife. To be sure there are many puppets and sheep that can make the same claim. I'm just glad in some way that my family is not neurotypical. To be sure many abuses will follow with this world being what it be ... BUT ... despite the despair and isolation we are not so far gone that we do not know how to protect our own. Whilst we have done exceptionally well for our grandson, there will come a time that is out of our control which plays back into the dynamic of despair and isolation.

Well ... sunlight is starting to make an entrance through my window to a degree that offers hope. Not the romantic kind that hollywood sells for vulnerable characters, but more the kind for personal pain relief. I go catch me more of that kind of void. Back to nature I think is the plan with whatever this kind of expression brings. ZZZzzz

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5unCXpegAw

All things considered, I was expecting to be interrupted by this point so started off this thread somewhat disconnected. That said, I feel it was worthwhile making the attempt to return, and as such, feel I have found some direction. Although my travels be somewhat aimless, I find that state of being something that works best for me.

I found the following lecture from Alan Watts where the title inspired me to reflect on how I too; often have discussions with myself. Moreover, how I have come up with the same conclusion despite my inability to convey and reflect such insight as clearly.

I was born in 1969 somewhat three years before this lecture. A time where those today introducing this talk, do so by referring to it as one that highlights man's attempt to logically control his environment and by doing so, ends up destroying it. Fast forwarding some 53 years after I was born, I find the ecological concerns of the 70's part and parcel to today's global crisis of mental instability. The latter so much so that our technology for all it is proclaimed still fails to address the most dominant social concerns some 50 years in the past.
I ponder now once again reflecting on how I was born when humans landed on the moon. Today at this very moment, some 53 years later, the Artemis 1 rocket now sits on a pad ready to go back. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN50Gj7zejY [link on active at time of this write up]

Context being that from my timely perspective and how I view it, that with all our glorified advancements humans have done little to improve upon their destructive ways. In fact, mankind continues to destroy the world and now looks back towards dominating space but with the same mindsets that does more to focus on war than it does to salvage & explore. Such a tone can be felt if one is following closely with today’s remerging space race.
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To better extrapolate on my take with man’s continued demise I’ll just quote some of the script from Alan himself and link the source and an unedited video clip entitled ‘'Conversation with Myself' ~ Alan Watts 1971

Quote relevant to my own perception and many takes I often discuss with myself:

‘'Conversation with Myself' ~ Alan Watts 1971 [Timestamp of video]
"...our failure to feel at home in this astonishing brain in which we live is the result of a basic, initial mistake in our thinking about the world and is, in turn, the cause of what is beginning to look like the failure of our technology; of the fact that everything we are doing to try to improve the world was a success in the short run, made amazing initial improvements, but in the long run we seem to be destroying the planet by our very efforts to control it and to improve it."
Here is the → script of that lecture:
ESSENTIAL (Text sourced from https://www.organism.earth/library/d...al-lectures-12) LECTURES
PROGRAM 12: CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF
1971

Video Bellow ... I find the talk clearer watching Alan as he speaks regarding emphasis and context ... this is original footage without background music and filler images that do more to distract me when taking in the original source

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylqPkuCJPBs

and to make a note for myself ... https://www.organism.earth/library/q...al-lectures-12 in the following link that might be worth taking into account as I continue to discuss with myself.

Alan Watts: Imperfections and Human
The previous video in above post was one of the 1^st lectures I came across when initially discovering Alan Watts. I really love that one as compared to his many other lectures, I found it to be relatively easy to digest and still very relevant. Most nuggets of insights typically are. In today’s post I am going to link more about The Life of Alan Watts. Although assuming on my part, I have found reading up on the man has given me a better perceptive into his teachings. Whilst there are those who have heard lectures and question his authenticity due to his untimely death being linked to an addiction of smoking and drinking – depression and anxiety; I myself now find him to be even more genuine.

My Connection to His Teachings:
As someone with broken trust and being no more than byproduct of disclosed worldly governance, I have for the most part found the revelations to be had in Alan’s words very comforting. Still, I struggle here and there as my exposure and predispositions to a world of sufferance can make hearing various insights quite difficult. *Note I use the word ‘insight’ and not truth. Many of the overused, abused and triggering words I have come to distrust… Alan does a good job of navigating.

I admit there is a lot of irony to my own posts where I am and can be viewed as a hypocrite. Although I understand how flawed human language is… so not going to beat myself up about it. In his book: THE WISDOM OF INSECURITY | A Message for an Age of Anxiety ~ 1951 Alan Watts… Alan points out just as much before he begins. I should do it more often myself. I can only fathom once more the way he lived and died is less an issue for me but more the point in how I see others who dismiss his later teachings and state of being. For me his teaching was and are quite clear about this nature in which so many of us view one another and thus the world in which we live. I sense only a few of the many that read his words accept the reality in which we all live. The many that use words like GOD, say he would ‘argue’ in his books as if to debate imo completely miss the mark and fit the mold in such a toxic world that he highlights well enough that those in resistance preach and argue among themselves. This is why I much prefer to talk to myself and understand the lecture in previous thread; Conversation with Myself. In this he nails it in such a way that there is no argument but speaks to reason and for those who may or may not be listening. The depression and anxiety being totally as natural to said information and to the enivomrent in which he talks as earnestly as he does.
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I don’t propose anything here and whilst I say I can gel with most of what he says, I admit I still struggle with much. But the more time I spend on myself as opposed to debating in some kind of sub on some kind of reddit, the more I know I am OK and accepting of what is and what is to come. I will never gel with content creation that today smothers the source and essence of information with more than what is needed. That to me that shows well the irony of what Alan and many other philosophers and spiritual teachers pin point regarding this Age of. Just as I fathom the natural progression of depression being less an issue, the anxiety is more about being out of balance rather than trying to be right or wrong in some attempt to exclude. The latter humans do so well whilst not taking the time to see themselves. People much prefer to comment and invalidate looking for right and wrong which suits this age; an age of anxiety.
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Alas understanding a bit more about the man has helped. Now for a bit of irony – I’ll link a YouTube Audio version of his book THE WISDOME OF INESCURITY… which like many others have a glossy and tainted layer of music overlaid. Having said that I don’t mind outright text to speech pace at which this guy reads – the lack of emotion leaves it up to the listener. Thus I opted for this rather than just a reader with music because other readers voice I found just as tainted as most whimsical Hollywood music. To be fair the music choice in this is more ambiance so not quite as tainted as it could have been Vs most content creators of today. I’ve explained my bias on this which is why I personally find that there are some really annoying renditions of Alan Watts this day and age … the age of anxiety. I’ll link his archive another time. Good quality Audio books by such teachers are hard to find. It’s a long listen so you’ll get used to it if your so incline to give it an ear. I did yesterday at different points. (will most likely take me a few hearings) There is an Amazon Audible version of the book but I am not a fan of the voice. I’ve personally heard better voices at Librivox; although subjective and not a book that can be found there. The amazon reader’s introduction (or section he is reading) seems a little bias as reflected in his use cliché words that Alan barely uses. Also, the price is more than I am willing to pay so managed to get by using above YouTube link [text to speech also a favorite of mine] whilst reading online [reading with your own inner voice I find is best for me] at the same time which helped my brain to keep focused as I tend to struggle with overlaid music which again for me taints the essence of dialogue. The message being spoken should be good enough.
Regarding the Hollywood Wand, I am very sensitive to how we are conditioned this day and age and do not trust such techniques unless I am choosing to listen to whatever gloss on my own accord. This is another subject in how we are plasticized when watching from the so called Daily News/FB/Twitter Wall to never ending Adverts, Notifications, Netflix and Hollywood Movies. But let’s not get into that rabbit hole other than to mention the importance re one’s own preference when looking to digest the philosophical and spiritual messages in an untainted form. For now – I make do in my own way lest I be deceived.

Whilst reading Its worth noting the irony in how we perceive from a conditioned point of view. People just take what they want and ditch the rest. I tend to go back over the uncomfortable sections knowing my own resistance is part and parcel of said disclosures. Being as backwards as I am makes the ‘backwards process’ that Alan talks about in his wisdom of insecurity book inspirational to me regardless of said resistance.
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I’ll finish this by putting my feet up and listening to Alan himself when giving a video lecture on the topic of his book: [Linked Below] The Wisdom of Insecurity. I personally struggle with human relations and all things re the human condition but find solace in learning how we can be more objective in a less painful way. As byproduct of this world, I find that is more than enough for me. The more I can appreciate that state of being the more room there be for the likes of comfort… although the latter is as much a bane that leads us to striving and thriving in ways that make us slaves to man’s clock. AKA, Alan’s take on the snake eating its tail. In this I find endurance far more preferable than the hyped up selling of today’s marketed motives. Whilst for me self-help books once had their place, they soon lost their appeal once the gloss was revealed. I sense I understand well how it was that Alan chose to live and left this world. Earlier my critical thinking did question him but since persevering and going back over what I struggle with, have come to be understand myself and him. I am thankful for the likes of him… but do not hold he and others up any more than I do myself. More meaning they are only human… but perhaps better versions only when not having tried and or no longer angsting over purpose and likewise terms.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRXJlNHdg9k

I'm on a 3rd course of antibiotics as very slow to heal. Thankfully the infection was not so bad that I could not have my stiches removed. The GP was concerned and sent me for an ultrasound to rule out any kind of build-up preventing healing. Given the ultrasound showed nothing of significance a blood test will most likely come next. The ECG also went well. Pretty sure that is food related combined with my obesity and inactivity. The latter reason why I had my large toenail permanently removed. I admit I too, am concerned about the persistent infection but holding out in good spirit willing incremental improvements. I know I do not want a 4th course of antibiotics so trying to keep calm and use whatever natural solutions I am able.

Unfortunately, I might have picked up my daughter’s virus who has an extremely course and dry throat. The kind when waking from sporadic sleep and feel like you have razor blades in your throat. Touch wood I'm able to keep a lid on that. Last thing I need given all the above. If things do not improve I will start dreaming of my toe being amputated. But not let’s end on that.

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Hopefully I can get a massage appointment today with the lady that practices Reiki on me. I’ve missed the last two appointments due to my current health. Seems when I turn up she will have her work cut out for her. : )

I think I will just focus on the appointment today if it does in fact take place. Other than that I just need to chill as again doing my best to will off the virus that would really *&^% me up given the above.

That’s it … maybe just leave another, but short 15 minute, Alan Watt’s video but with no real focus to break it down … although doing that in previous threads made for a good distraction all things considered.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud7HVn2_k2Y&t

Woke up at 1:00AM – Caught my daughter’s agonizing dry throat. She got diagnosed the pharyngitis yesterday. Just what I needed to go along with my infected toe recovery. What started out as a couple of medical supplies has turned out into a pharmacy. That’s not even showing the collection of painkillers and other gear up in the kitchen cupboard. I hate taking them because of the side effects … and when having dry throat issues that’s even worse.

https://i.ibb.co/Ttm2MzQ/medical-supplies.jpg

I really got to get a grip on my health and start eating right and getting out for longer periods of time.

I'm not up to going in the shed an showing you my new bike but will cut and paste an online pic below:

https://i.ibb.co/qp4MtGk/eBike-2.jpg

I paid a small fortune for the latest model. I did so as I don't get to use the car often and to tell you the truth I don't much care for it. My previous bike and I got along pretty well and I still have it. For now though my body appreciates the higher end running gear, forks and of course... the electric assist. I still get enough of a work out as being mid drive pedals like normal. That said, it's twice the weight of a non electric.

I've since changed the knobby tires thick slicks that roll a little quicker and much much quieter. I also got myself a new suspension seat post like my other bike and ported over the upright handle grips and nice big ass soft seat. I'll show my upgraded version when feeling better and out and about. I've actually been out on it the last two days because it's quite easy to use at full power which mode I have only been using of late given the truma my toe has been through. I'll refrain from uploading that image.

I best get in the recliner and try to relax ... I might even have to give the bike a miss for a couple of days. I sense this sore throat is going to turn into something else that is going to last for even more days. At least I am already on antibiotic. 3rd damn course and my gut has had enough. On stomach meds still ... Oh boy ... going to have to start up meditation as well.

ZZZzzz

In a LOT of pain this morning. I followed the advice of the phone health line and went to the hospital but could not wait long enough. Ironically I left because I was in too much pain. Fathom that. I tried to explain by my hearing loss had it that they started speaking back to me like I was 2 years old. The initial nurse was pretty good about it, but the admin staff member when I approached to explain I could not wait due to the pain was quite patronizing which pretty much had me decided then and there it was time to leave.
Back home now but my Kidney is canning me. Much worse than it was when I complained in here a few years ago regarding a seven-day water fast I did. (water only for seven days) I went on to live a very healthy two years after that. As you know, shit happens and then you fall off the wagon.

Seems the PPIs (stomach medicine) I’ve been taking affect the kidneys and I got to admits the pain really spike last night when taking those. The doctor recently doubled that dose. No more of that stuff. I’ll be seeing her later today and whilst there is a wait it’s not like four hours.

In the meantime I am going to try a mild walk as research seems to indicate this may help with kidney pain. I know sitting or lying down does not help one bit. Still hurts and is constant.
Pain meds also contribute so won’t change them like I did last night. The doctor also gave me stronger pain killers which I took with the PPI … I must remember to tell here that.
Righto … off for a walk in my backyard … the toe whilst still infected does not seem to hurt anywhere near as much as the kidney.

Anxiety is sky high which is not helping. Skin is peeling.

That’s a wrap until I need another bout of pain relief as writing in here is the only thing that comes close to helping.

Seems the whole house is down and out with each of us suffering in our own way. My daughter tried going to the hospital and called an ambulance the day after being rejected on both counts. I tried fronting up at the base hospital two times myself but the 4/5 +2 hour wait to see a doctor was far too long than I could sustain in terms of both pain and psychological. The second time I tried the hospital, it was more obvious it was going to be an excruciating very long wait and that visiting patients were going to be being at the very least in acute trauma like condition. Second to that but just as disabling, is this seeming ingrain attitude Post CV that seems like a deeply ingrained mental instability with people today having far less tolerance than already was long before 2019.

The second time I tried following up on the advice of so many to go back and attend the emergency dept... I managed to get a hold of someone to come and sit with me. I had all my info written out to make that process less problematic. Problem was the nurse was very pushy about knowing who was with me. I explained he was a government funded support person who made the time to come and assist me as all my other family were sick and unable to accompany me. She then continued to question me by asking me why do I need a support person. (FFS I am thinking) ... I further explained;... "to access the community"; Again she asked, ";Why?"; [JFC! I am now thinking] Calmly and slowly, I recite the long list of psychiatric approved certifications one by one with people by this stage listening in whilst at the end changing my tone to a more terse one; ;is there anything else!; As you know I'm do not like having to use exclamation marks. At that point I felt pretty fucked and even embarrassed for the support person who told me when I took a seat he enjoyed my response. FUCK EM! ... just saying now as I type, but I was out of sorts by then as I felt the whole reason for being supports was just blown out the window with how pushing the nurse was putting my on the spot like that. Again I was in a LOT of pain and given just how derailed I had become... I once again got up and left despite the ambulance officer visiting my daughter and phone appointment of my GP all telling me to go back. This is why I recently told my wife not to call an ambulance the last time I has a very long bout of intense chest pain. My trust in society was further broken from said experience. People Post CV are just getting worse when it comes to human relations.
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Awesome. Most of above text fitted into an online form. Probably one of my better feedback posts. I actually filled a feedback form after the 1st visit due to a similar experience with one nurse subconsciously baiting me. I replied in a similar manner as above in terms of taking not taking it up the ass kind of thing. Meh... All good. I'm just not into wasting my time and it was as obvious then as it was the second time that indeed I was putting myself through a lot of undue angst. I knew I was right when I told my wife that it's a waste of time going to the hospital ['especially' for byproduct like me] if one is not already dead; or at least not conscious.
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Moving on ... Physically?
Whilst it would've been nice to see someone who could've helped akin to days gone by ... with the help of my extended family over the phone... despite the despairing nature and pain of it all... I think we are going to survive. My Step Dad who was a GP and had a country practice for well over 40 years rang up to give advice re my daughter as he felt she needed emergency attention all things considered. He is now in his 80s and I tried to explain that the hospital system today no longer takes people unless nearly dead. Perhaps not quite like that but pretty much. My mum then took over the phone call on their side and said she understood. I further explained given the reality that going to the hospital and being sized up the way they do would do more harm than good compared to playing with fate at home. Longer story short their hospital recommendation was reluctantly reduced to well-wishing and prayer with some doctor advice over the phone from my Step Dad. None of which I could begrudge and appreciated the advice for us all. I believe the caring definitely helps and feel for people who have no one. The latter making me feel sick when contemplating today's post. Nevertheless... is what it is. IMO people spend far too much time being brainwashed and worshiping services way more than they should.

Tis the new world. It still rings true for me when I say the unity in community has been destroyed by global centralization policies now emplaced all across the world. Democracy in not all it is cut out to be despite looming tensions across the world. But not going there ... not well enough for that but can play with such another time. I caught elements of what my daughter got but all the drinking and sipping water helped alleviate the pain in my groin which became more extreme for some reason than my kidney during last night's very long bout of suffering. I have stopped all medications by the antibiotic and regret taking them now as think they were impeding the good the former was supposed to do. My kidney has helped me see that now. My poor daughter looks like death warmed up and struggling with the sheer pain but we are willing her through as we all our for ourselves. Man ... as long as my toe does not get chopped off - TOUCH WOOD ... I'm cancelling all GP appointments as whilst they mean well this new one does not know how to handle me. I really miss the other young lady. She moved town with her family. Is hard to find gems this day and age ... I think now not just the age of anxiety but also the age of uncertainty re all things community. A former shadow of it's one self. ZZZzzz here is to a restful day. I just drive my daughter to see GP as she needs it more than me. Just a caring connection can make such a huge difference and more so than the meds. Not disrespecting the latter just saying is all. Sadly, the younger ones have a harder time when it comes to said relations things being as they be.

Adios... until next post.

I've lost count how far I am in with the whole razor blade throat | flu/cold symptoms kind of thing. Something like four nights if I were to guess with day one being the mild... "O OH ... here we go" sensation where I started using those 'first defence' gargles and nasal sprays. two nights in was like "Yep... I'm fucked!" Night three next to no sleep in the recliner and same again with night four seeing me once again sitting on the disability seat wincing in the shower each time I try to get a reprieve shallow breathing in the steam whilst having a medium hot shower. Goes on from there sipping warm herbal teas laced with a little honey and so on. Cold sweat coming back like I had with the Kidney Pain. The latter subsided to groin and testicular pain which last about 48 hours [touch wood] ... indicative of possible kidney stones BUT unsure as not in pain when going to the toilet other than that being intermittent. It's just unfortunate what this all means for my Big infected toe re recovery from the permanent removal. I'm doing all I can to nurse that and accept whatever state it's in once I get past all these other ailments. The skin on my toe changes into a deep red and then settles down after I give it a soak in watered down Dettol. Trying to rest it between raised and not... with little activity and small steps resulting in a lot of calf cramps. Yadda Yadda ...

One thing I can say about all this is that I know that the doctor I have been seeing is not good for me. Whilst I may follow through with her on this latest bout of illness... I'll for sure be picking another doctor for a better match next time round. I'm going to take a guess and assume I have at least another four days minimum of similar suffering re the flu/cold symptoms. That's being modest in my guess as it seems these bouts last much longer and are more intense than they used to be. These days it seems one in my current stated can be crippled like up to two weeks. I dread those bouts. To think I caught this whilst already on antibiotics for the post-opp toenail removal.

Righto. Enough bitching. Just good to acknowledge what I most likely have left to go through if not to envisage some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully the next doctor can give acknowledge in a similar fashion and be less dismissive. I have another 3 nights before I see her again. If fate has it that I am feeling better and my toe is slowly improving I might yet cancel given her level of disrespect. She reminds me of those call center operators that ignore everything you just said only to continue with their own barrage of information in a way that shows they really don't give a shit about anything you just said. You know what I mean right?

OK ... 3:30 AM my time now. Touch wood my kidney and balls are feeling better this morning. The latter now coming and going.
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If I was not as sick as I am and crippled with my toe I would go out in search for a new bedroom recliner. The one I got a ways back is good for a small one but it's more tiny for a designated space. Now I am ready to give up more bedroom space for a little size and quality upgrade.

I'm definitely feeling somewhat motivated to get a hold of my health or at least salvage what I have left after all this.

LOOKING AFTER MYSELF BETTER:
One thing I will note, is that I need to mix up the walking and cycling as the walking seems to be better overall. Cycling does less for the calf muscles which do a much better job re the heart. I have detailed why long ago re various health podcasts and now know for a fact as far as my body goes. Now that I got a high end eBike... I can make cycling way less of a lactic acid thing. The bike allows me to get out more so for sunshine and fresh air whereas the walking I now know is far superior for my circulatory system. I'll also benefit from starting a collection of naturopath/holistic healing products that do less damage to my bodies organs. History has now shown me that my right kidney is far more sensitive than my left and most other peoples. No doubt compromised & linked with my near death experience back in 2008 with Rhabdomyolysis. One of many things GPs I see today will not factor in when handing out meds; even after I tell them. That fact and people & hospitals now being as they be only consolidates all the more just how important it is to look after one’s self.

Of course there comes a time where certain elements are beyond our control… such as aging, climate and the actions of others beyond our bubble that makes that art of being humble a much needed skill. THIS being an egocentric issue to be sure in a world full of victim status. Something I struggle with alongside feelings of shame and guilt. The contrast in both those dynamics is being overwhelmed with both frustration and despair all at the same time which makes dealing with the public an issue for many… especially when at our weakest point.
As I just noted in my last post re being supported regardless of family, friends or employed supports… is that the system looks to segregate when it can. Less and less we see people going into medical centres & hospitals together regardless of those whom have family and friends. Just yet another facet in how the unity in community has been dismantled over time. Culturally this use to be less of an issue in non-western communities but even now I see them struggling with such societal isolating and divisionary controls. Just another level of toxicity within the health industry.

I guess on that note… I best return to nursing myself and once recovered in the coming weeks I start doing a better job of looking after myself and doing more for my family & friends.

Best I can say I must of been in a LOT of pain given I said I would rather be dead than go to a hospital so many times before. Between the GP, Testing Facilities, Hospital & even the Ambos ... The dehumanizing aspect of it all in its present state has left me thinking seriously about doing more to get a hold of my health. I know I just said it at the ending of last post but still in need of summoning up the desire to heal a little each day so I can make that intention a reality. Such a mindset is helping Vs the very LONG bout of despair I have been in.

I think it wise to keep looking for a new doctor that knows how to connect on a human level but right now just doing all I can to stay away from them and all things medical related.

I had a bit of a cry today watching one or two rare finds and noticed how much better I felt in my body. Even the infection in my toe instantly looked and felt much better. That really got me thinking just how deeply rooted I have been in a low vibrational state. Wanting to be done with this world and the people in whilst still in resistance with it has plagued me for some time now. I've alluded to recent welfare reforms and the pressure that has come with that derailing me very much. I've said many things but sense it's mostly been the unresolved pain in accepting what is that's held me back.

Right now I try to salvage the damage to my body and the predisposition in that with respect to cleaning myself up and boosting my ability to heal.

Here's to one night's semi good sleep that might help me on the tail end of the antibiotics. I don't think I could to a 5th course.
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I finally got my original recliner back after buying a similar one and replacing it while my grandson was at school. He claimed mine long ago when he first came to stay. I chuckle to think how putting the old cover back on the replacement lounge did the trick. It was touch and go though as I had to rush to put my bedroom door back on before he got home. So far he seems to of not noticed. Touch Wood. :)

Once my chest clears, the pain settles in my organs and I can breath proper and stand up and walk with intention, I'll be working on the simple things re what goes in and what comes out. Not sure counting the days works anymore but will write about my progress for the sake of keeping on track. It's just so easy to give up when in a low vibrational state. Still, got to be careful of keeping things grounded.
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Right now I work on much needed sleep ... ZZZzzz So very tired ZZZzzz ... Not out of the woods yet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIQS15N5qYQ

I got to admit despite trying to will myself better I am concerned due to still feeling quite ill. Today I present to the GP with my own historical list as it's all getting too long to keep up with and doctors generally also not keeping a track in an overwhelmed system. I am worried about antibiotic resistance as today they might put me on a 5th course ... I don't know yet but like I say a little worried with how things have been progressing. Perhaps too much info but I am going to share at any rate because I can't think of much else of late and wasn't to keep my journaling consistent as of late that's all that is.

3 weeks [20 days] as of the 14th/11/202 post op permanent toenail removal. Still looks infected although slightly improved. Patient concerned about antibiotics resistance and complications during treatment. Currently patient is getting over a virus that has affected his throat and chest + has lingering congestive cough [yellowish flem] and 4 days of testicular pain that started the morning after his kidney pain subsided. Kidney pain was intense enough that the patient presented at the hospital ER twice but left before seeing a doctor both times because he could not endure the wait.
Now Up to 4 courses of Antibiotics have been prescribed. The first dose was prescribed one month before the toe procedure which was done whilst toe still slightly infected. 3 courses of antibiotics have since followed.
Client had a reaction to 2nd course. Stomach medication was prescribed where later that dose was doubled. Similar action taken with the pain medications.
Please refer to following time line for a better breakdown of appointments, medications and symptoms.

No blood test at this stage requested.

Timeline of Appointments, Medication & Symptoms

1st GP appointment: 1st Oct
1st lot of Antibiotics & referral for toenail removal given
Pre-op Appointment: Dr. ****** 18th Oct

25th Oct: OPERATION Permanent toenail removal [2 stitches] Small infection present before & during operation. Had to go back hours later as bleeding through dressing.

29th Oct: GP 2nd lot of antibiotics + Pain killers [panadeine forte] PPI Stomach medication [sick from constant Panadol & Ibuprofen] ←Stopped taking them.

3rd Oct: GP 3nd lot of antibiotics + PPI Stomach medication
Antibiotics changed due to stomach aches, nausea, chest pain, cramps… PPI dose doubled.

7th Nov: GP 4th lot of antibiotics + Pain killers [oxycodone]
Have since developed very sore throat, cough, mild thrush like symptoms in the mouth, peeled skin on hands feet and toe, itchy skin, pain in groin, right kidney extremely sore for hours on end coming in waves however up to level 7 pain always present for the last 48 hours straight. Unable to sleep – pain med causing too much pain … had to stop taking. NOW ONLY TAKING ANTIBIOTICS.

Kidney pain was intense enough that the patient presented at the hospital ER twice but left before seeing a doctor both times because he could not endure the wait. Patient stop taking all over medications but continued antibiotics.

14th Nov: GP Will present with following → Currently patient is getting over a virus that has affected his throat and chest + has lingering congestive cough [yellowish flem] and 4 days of testicular pain [Still present] that started the morning after his kidney pain subsided. Patient feeling weak but better than the day before.

______________________Other Notes*__________________
Had near Renal Failure [APPROX. 2008 ****** Base Hospital] that we diagnoses as Rhabdomyolysis requiring seven days hospitalization. Right kidney has since had bouts over the years of extreme kidney pain in right kidney at various times / scenarios ... (illnesses and whenever fasting/juicing and some medications) Testicular Pain has been something patient has had many times before but usually went away. This has been the longest bout of pain and most intensive bout. Lumps present but untested.

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Will probably go something like that. Right now despite my saw balls ... I am going to see if can go for a gentle ride. Suspension post and soft seat angled slightly forward should do the trick. I have to get do something to lift my spirits. I'll walk if need be. ZZZzzz No fever yet ... touch wood. I am not the type to carry on with health anxiety but again right now I have nothing else to write about. ZZZzzz

Whilst pain persists, I am feeling a little better having only just gone for a short ride. Probably just need to jerk off more often regardless of any prostate issues. I'm guessing that is how translucent lumps form if not sexually active whereby non-translucent become more an issue with lack of virility & mobility. So many factors that come into play that affect the psyche and physical. Nevertheless I think the worse for today may likely be another course of antibiotics. I best get me some probiotics to assist with my deteriorating gut health plagued by the former. More expense but thankfully I can cover it for now. Just posting again to keep focused as I really don't want this GP calling the shots any longer. I'll turn up and follow the advice of surgeon in the background who claims I should continue the antibiotics stated in an email reply.

OK ... that's enough inspiration. Off for a wank with no great desire in mind - wish I could just use like a breast pump or something. Chuckles. Perhaps the GP could that for me? We might communicate better after that?

Sigh...

Moving On

… or not quite. Toe looks manageable now that I am over the worst of the flu or whatever the fuck that was. Kidney pain much better now although I’m still looking at getting poked and prodded at the end of the week. Balls still an issue despite having milked myself as best I can. I did not realize what an issue this could present between prostate issues, testosterone levels, regularity of ejaculating and ability to do so and so on and on. Not exactly something often discussed by male counterparts. Women seem to have a better hold on such topics. At any rate, other than dealing with the mild but persistent pain I look forward to getting that ultrasound done. I can’t help but think how painful having my balls squashed under the hand of some ultrasound technician.
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Now moving on.

I am at least well enough to cook for myself and eat much better since doing so. I’ve been watching my wife and grandson have fun with the new 3D printer and looking online for some useful files that I can use myself. Might ask if they can print off some furniture gliders and use them for stoppers in my room as well as to keep my mini tramp from sinking into the grass for once my balls can handle tramp. Come to think about it, it might be good for my lower ducting after a good massage down there. Oh boy … I have attachment issues and struggling to move on.
I love the cycling so much I have been going for short rides again. (RIP Balls rofl)

RETAIL THERAPY has been a thing since feeling better. In order to get back outside for longer (when my balls and toe can handle it as well as fit enough) I am setting a goal to ride between towns. Due to my weight and wishing to use the highest power setting on my bike I looked into buying another battery for my bike. The price as astronomical so I researched a solar setup that weighs not much more than the bikes battery. Makes sense because I can pretty much ensure I stay in top mode when taking breaks in-between or in-between towns. I went for a 200-watt panel that can push out just over 10 amps at the optimal time of day. Given I am in Australia the seasons won't matter. The Bike's AC charger which I'll power of a can sized inverter only needs 4 amps of continuous power. The power loss through using an inverter is more than made up for by using a panel that supplies more than needed.

https://i.ibb.co/j9Kd7mT/Solar-Panel-1.jpg

When folded, the solar panel is just over the width of most backpacks which are around 33cm wide. To get around this I ended up going with a swimming/surf backpack that is 43cm wide. Not that I care what others think, but the bag itself will suit the area I am in as on the coast + I wanted bright colors so I can be seen. Riding on rural roads in between towns is down so with great risk. Standing out is a must. In fact, I should be researching at the very least a rear daytime light for my bike. The panel itself is about 5kg which is not much weight for an average backpack on an average day trip.

Nice padded straps with a mid-belt eliminate sway on a bike. Looks like it should do the job. Nice to have a surf bag for car trips as well.

https://i.ibb.co/TRKV6s3/Bag.jpg --- https://i.ibb.co/5BgMsv5/Bag-1.jpg

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Am also considering the following front and rear racks for MTBs + the front mudguard ... have sources a matching rear one designed for that rear rack

https://i.ibb.co/5sBbsv8/Racks.jpg

That's a wrap for now ... time to redress my toe and prep for a little bike ride.

Awesome, I just picked up a chromebook on the cheap brandnew as it was the last one. Great little device that is easy peasy to transport and powers off a usb power bank although not that you would really need to given the battery life on these things. I actually picked up a hefty powered battery bank to run all the nick knacks I aslo picked up. I did end getting the high powered daylight bycicle lights to make life a little safer whilst riding on the rural roads. Yet to do it but looking forward to giveing it a go.

Seems you can load Linux on these chrome books with good effect but not ready for that just yet.

Feeling a little better yet again today. Little by little. Hopefully I can import imaged from my phone onto this and try out some online editing apps. Would be good to record some of my suicide road trips on the bike. Thankfully I got some ANC buds to help drown out the cars and trucks flying by at relativley neck breaking speeds. Hmmm seems I will have to do somthing about spell check on this although my grammer has been bad of late. Not to worry. Keyboard seems to type pretty good.

Anyways ... I am beat. Think I will call it a night and get ready to visit a friend in the morning. He'll be heading off to France soon [He has dual citizenship] Hope he comes back. Don't blame him if not.

ZZZzzz night night ...http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

Picked up a little 12V lockable fridge that should see my more favored supplies no longer disappear. Arrr, but the joys of family.
Another hermit enabling feature in my room.

Here’s a couple of shots with the latest layout in my tiny room.

Entrance: Longer than it is sqaure and modest space. That said it is a mansion compared to some living on the lower levels of Hong Kong.

https://i.ibb.co/MCbh7NN/Entrance.jpg The 12V Fridge Freezer is a nice addition: https://i.ibb.co/QnN97kQ/Fridge-Setup.jpg

Bellow: Overkill on the locks I know … but it you lived here you would understand. We do have a few power outages so should look into get a battery setup. At any rate it’s a solid Esky as well as fridge and freezer. You can either make a fridge & freeze, or just a fridge, or just a freezer by controlling the zones using an app on the phone.

https://i.ibb.co/cxqdtB1/12-V-Fridge.png

My lounging area with Large Portable 3.5KW air con [Just to the far side of chair next to my little speaker] + Philips Air Purifier with a stray cord that needs tidying up.
https://i.ibb.co/FJpct9g/Lounging-Area.jpg


That’s a wrap … I goto install my bikes rear rack and trunk bag today. I installed the new bicycle Garmin GPS yesterday as well as that fridge. Damn front rack was refunded as they did not have in stock despite advertising so and taking my money. Not to worry. Have one coming from the UK despite the wait. Global Express but not going to hold my breath. Garmin Heart rate strap coming as I use the GPS data to have a heart attack soon enough. ROFL … whatever it takes I guess. Front Mud Guard still in transit. Rear trunk should be enough to keep the water off my ass but now I think about it I should get myself a rain cover for the trunk bags. Not sure what I will install on the front. Something for my front power banks no doubt. High Powered Daylight cycle lights seem to be still in transit as well. Oh yea … just bought a cadence sensor to go the speed sensor that came in the Garmin GPS Bundle. 200 Watt solar panel arrived with scratches on the damn panels. The cover of that unit also creased. Just not good cricket for something advertised as new. Hence to say in the process of returning that for a full refund. Can’t be supporting shoddy suppliers. Nope… won’t be having any of that. For sure we give negative feedback on that. That leaves me with a couple of solar accessories / leads / connectors and the such. I’ll hang onto those as sometime early next year will looking into a batter setup for the 12V fridge. I think that is enough quality upgrades for now. Just need a little more time on my toe to heal before I start getting too active with my bike. Steady as she goes for now.

Must look into getting some comfort food for the new bedroom fridge. Haha.

Adios until next post.

Shuddup. Nobody is reading your stupid blog posts, you fucking loser.

Awesome night ride. Feeling much better now. Can't wait till I start power walking. The place that sold my the foldable solar panel got back with the offer to replace it. I decided to go ahead with the offer as I still want to utilize long distance travel with the option to use the highest power mode and charge back up whilst resting before my return journey. Just not sure how I am going to setup some kind of make shift panel stand to optimize charging. I'll work something out. Definitely going to have to lose the weight to make up for the panel: - 5 to 6kg

WALKING COMING SOON ... pending toe: Thankfully no longer looks mangled and despite still looking on the redish side ... it's not hurting and seems to handle the bike pretty good now. I was able to put shoes on like the first time in about a month ... a month this coming tuesday. Still with a light dressing though.

OK ... Bit of mindless TV then off to bed.

Day 1 ... Walking. Going to take it easy but feeling good about it. Counting the days this time as not doing so keeps seeing me back at square one again. Here's to Day 1.

Time to make a post if not just to fill in space otherwise ill spent. The lockable fridge/freezer makes me feel better about buying mangos, avocados and the like given now I know my daughter will be more incentivced to get her own. My first walk in a month went down well this morning. Later in the day now but made my way over on my bike to chill with a friend who does not mind me setting up on his kitchen bench. Not sure what he has in his roof but the mobile network in his house is super slow. _____ __

https://i.ibb.co/6RfdLtD/On-The-Go.jpg

Although I am indulging in here of late I have been having bouts without headphones whilst in transit on my bike and also for the last part of my walk this morning. Feels kind of weird because I am more often than not constantly plugged in. When not plugged in via headphones then by one or two of my screens.
It's nice day outside. Relativley cool and overcast. I think I will pack up after a little more surfing and head back out on my bike.

Just chromebooking it atm under a gazebo with an ocean view and fresh swirling sea breeze. It's a bit overcast and humid wih summer having arrived but cool enough given I got a good sweat up which makes the breeze feel like an outdoor evaporative cooler; kind of thing. Just rang a friend who's still waking up but say's he'll be down here soon enough. Right now though I am enjoying the solitude despite this quick entry. That said I have been writing like so long enough that I find it more meditative than not. Unfortanely the text editor has been playing up for me re this forum of late. No spell check and format goes all weird when not in advanced mode. No drama. Mostly just self reflecting and or self soothing to some degree so still works for me.

Damn I got hungry yesterday after my morning kike and bike ride later on. It's taken a bit of effort to get back into anything that resembles a routine but slowly getting there. Tow still has some healing left to go. Possible another 8 weeks for the scab to subside and new healthy skin take its place. Is a trade off when wearing shoes atm as even though I'm still lightly dressing when putting on shoes and socks I still need to take them off at the half way points like where I am now and air out the gap between where my toe nail used to run back into the root of my toe. From there is still seeps a little when having exerted under pressure with walking and bike riding ... more so when wearing shows which I now do for my walks. I think I'll head dress it back up put my shoes on and head back for a foot bath in Epsom salts then dry it out before my next session on the bike. Like the doctor or surgeon never really told my how to go about this part of the healing but I'll work it out. Is clear to see I am fairly aware about it at any rate. The sooner is fully heals the further and longer I can stay out & about.

Getting about does seem to help with the loneliness I've been feeling of late. Mostly endued with bouts on my PC. Social media can be the worst for that. Liken to being homeless in a city or lonely in a crowed. A LOT of negative people online to be sure. The demise of this forum and the dynamics still present a perfect example of that. Alas, I find such a good canvas in which to work all things considered from my point of view. I'll never fit into this world that way it is. I have no desire to at all, however desire itself something I am working on in other ways. Just not in the way this world operated and or projects. Back to making my own clips I guess.
Well ... I think I'll pack up my gear into my day pack and lay back for a while on this bench. Give my friend a bit more time before I start hiking again.

Here's to keeping active and passing the time as presently as I can.

You're a faggot, buddy.

https://i.ibb.co/WHFWKX5/ddsfddfsdffds.jpg

My youngest son came to visit today. I stayed up watching a couple of 80s movies at his request and had a few alcoholic beverages. Today my wife, son and I had lunch at one of the local Hotels. He seems to be handling his divorce well enough and has a new high paying job coming up in the next couple of weeks. He also got a good price on his house. Today I got in a good walk but pulled up short as my son wanted to do a 20km hike. My toe is simply just not up to that yet and to be fair nor is the rest of me. LOL Massage was good. I like getting that once a week. Just wish all the other therapeutic practices I take on board were as easy and laid back as that. ZZZzzz Not much else to report today. Lots of sunshine and walking with good food and company should see me sleep relatively well tonight. All in all ... one day at a time. Toe is still red but improving with each passing day. No other niggles worth mentioning. ZZZzzz Is good not to be in so much pain. Touch wood. Night night http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

The good thing about getting tired of life... in general... is the ability not to be distracted by trivial streams of thought and it's residual projection. ZZZZzzzz
Rolls over and goes back to sleep. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

https://nypost.com/wp-content/upload...nature-794.jpg
https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41cUjUBqpxL.jpg

Possibly a good point in which to leave this other fellow rest in a nest of his own making whilst I go feather a new one.
You can find me here→ https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

https://i.ibb.co/hDt1FnH/fdgdfgdfgsfgdgfdsfg.jpg

Is all good. I got a new space you cannot take one.

Now that this canvas is back to being nothing but toilet paper, when you are ready we can now talk about your severe case of mental illness. I see Gypsy tired raising the issue but did not focus on the topic of retardedness.

When you get bored with the multiple split personality act, the child like responses and your fetish for excrement, we can perhaps talk more about a program that specializes with your specific impairment; lack of development.

By the way, I really love what you have done with the place. That said, I regret to tell you for fear of you hurting yourself... but the persona you build with each username does not hold up. When you are ready we can talk about that too?

Actually NO... scratch that. I’ve said all that needs to be said. Just go back to smothering this thread like you did with everyone else. Continue picking your nose, talking with all your aliases and just overall doing all the things you blame on your figments.

You have a long way to go before you stop beating yourself up.

I understand and truly wish you all the best.

Goodbye Pedro.

Peter Ross Anderson's Address:
2/6 Greendykes House, 14 Greendykes Road
Edinburgh, Scotland, United Kingdom EH16 4JJ

Yes, an interesting looking facitliy. I understand it all now.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

How's your world going? Making many positive connections?

Wishing you all the best.

I'll send you a toilet brush for Xmas. hehe. :D