Ponder

It's been good with my friend visiting. My old boss when I was a support worker. He is now my support worker. :)

Both of us have been playing a lot of PC in the beginning, but I am less attached to doing that now that my friend is actually here. Instead I have found the electric scooter that he brought with him an even better distraction. Although I feel somewhat self conscious standing on the scooter, the feeling of freedom moving effortlessly quickly overcomes any negative feelings. That said, I'm not moving at the traffic lights which makes those feel like I am on a stage. :) I smile, because after I while I become more amused at those looking out their windows. We don't get many stand up electric scooters in my area, although we do have a lot of electric bikes and 4 wheeled disabled scooters. People in this area are slow to change. It seems electric scooters have a little stigma to overcome in the same way drones where met with media resistance. But like I was saying about that feeling of freedom, once you jump on an electric scooter and realise the potential for freedom you soon disregard the notion of others. At least this is how I feel ... when not parading at the traffic lights. hehe. I've never really even like standing on such corners.

I guess that would make for a good topic on how being self conscious get in the way. Just being overweight is enough to make most of us feel like staying at home or not wanting to be seen. Boy oh boy I have been up and down in the dept of late. But like the freedom I find on my friends scooter, I also my prefer the benefits of moving beyond the boundaries of what most people think as their home. So it is that I also feel less worried about once again being morbidly obese. It's on my mind to be sure. It always is as I put on weight quite easily and now at an age that such can kill if left unchecked. However, stress only adds more weight and makes life even more oppressive than what I find it already to be. I note that being my perspective as I am learning to respect the freedoms of others as long as it's not impacting others in a negative way. The latter I find a rarity; I for one can not include myself in any kind of saintly list.
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So it is that I now have my sights set on an electric scooter. - Still can't get over how great that thing is.

As good as it is ... I best get ready for me WALK.

Bit of a late night but it's all good. Another good day with my friend still here. My room is reasonably clean, but have half it it on the porch still waiting to be sorted. Smiles ... something to focus on when I wake up before my morning appointment. It would appear I have talked my friend into upgrading his scooter whilst I aim to purchase the next model up above his current one. I took his for a spin late this afternoon and still can't get over what a buzz it is. We started the day off with my taking the lead with my bike whilst he followed for the rest on his scooter. We stopped for some herbal tea, later on by a lake, popped in to a bike shop to pump up his tires, then took the long way home. We both spent time with the little guy teaching him more minecraft and chalk drawing on the porch. Jumped on the big trampoline, went to the shops to by some meat and came back to cook up an awesome feed. Speaking of which I am not doing his scooter any favors when I hop on.

We did more than that .. but that is enough for me to waffle on as I am now ready to get some qualtiy zzzzzzs ... despite the indulging with food since before Xmas and now still into the new year ... my activity has thankfully picked up with less time on the PC. I see no need to go cold turkey ... BUT ... will be making a concerted effort to get back into doing walk run walk run in the we hours of the morning before most others get up. That will again force me into an earlier routine on both sides of the day.

For easier sleeping I have been listening to rain on my Bluetooth speaker. It seems to help.
Still under a LOT of negative stress derived from sources beyond my control ... but that's OK ... I know what I need to do and for the most part are doing it. I think of how my grandson is slowly starting to brighten up with the transition in our care and try not to think about what has not yet come. He is actually doing well. He love his new swimming lessons and also the long quiet bike patch I now take him on. That's a good note to finish on.


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Goodnight/have a good day.

I delete it and just log it in here. Just know that these so called old timers in this forum (as so often refereed to) can be cruel individuals that will attack other forum members where you can easily wind up being the but of their jokes. Many do so quite subtlety and somewhat eloquently. Others will just laugh in your face. Enough said.

The fires in Australia? How do I really feel about that? Having been accused that I don't care and also laughed about re my personal thoughts on what makes me - me; by other wonderful forum users (So often refereed to as 'old timers')

Let me see.

For starters, I think we humans should be helping each other when there is no drama. DRAMA? Yea, that's how I am seeing these events.

After my son was released from jail (More Drama!) he returned to Batemans Bay where people ended up lining the beach and yadda yadda. My parents were also affected early on before the whole affair becomes world news. I'll spare you the photos and videos. Makes for a great social media frenzy.

There seems to be two sides to this staging story that's made and making world events ... One side on the ground level are seemingly caught up in feeling bitter and abandoned which is why they are so passionate about blaming the government. Others in social media who are not even affected by fires but likewise feeling bitter and abandoned on other fronts get caught up in the mob mentality. Like I said ... great for a social frenzy. I got to tell you that people in Australia make excellent sheep just as they do all over the world.

I fully understand why people play with matches. They too feel bitter and abandoned.My eldest boy when a child was pulled up in front of the court system for lighting fires in the bush. He was not dealt with appropriately or reaped any consequences by the system at that time that had any real affect. He is nearly 30 years old now and only just been jailed with having gotten away with a LOT of stuff. In fact his spree was a lot more violent than my own, where my time in goal was more spawn from break and enters that made the page for a homeless story re feeding oneself VS repeatedly bashing people. The irony of him lighting fires then in his early days only only to wind up decades later living in a town where they all end up on a beach due to raging fires ... is as much an irony of me comparing his and I stories.

But like I say ... I understand why people do what they do ... at least for the most part. Fuck all this accusing and back stabbing each other. Humans are really good for doing that.
__________________________________________________ ___________________________

So you see, you really ought not to mouth off saying I don't care or don't know much about self.

__________________________________________________ _____________________________

I am full of surprises and will always call a spade a spade. I do not have to pretend like logging in under some fake name only to be accused by those who one called themselves friend than laugh at by another refereed to as old timer. I carry much shame and whilst legitimately certified as unable - I should not be underestimated when it comes to making a stand. You would do well to either work with me ... or just leave me the fuck alone.

Among all those bleeding hearts and sheepish puppets ... between all that bashing the government, prayers and lovey dovey sentiments are more looting houses and others playing with matches.

I would not say I don't care about the fires ... but I will say fuck humans on all sides of the equation.

The only one's I have time for, are those who take the time to get their stories straight.

Go but your fucking jokes on someone else, lest we all start playing with matches. Pfft - Sarcasm intended but passion reigns. Z

Pffft ... is that you Mr Ponder says Mrs Dahilla ... and then laughed by another ... to that of a third who starts the slur ... keep throwing rocks and dribbling shit peoples. You all do it very well and is why I ended up cutting ties. That said I won't be a door mat.

Fact is ... everyone is 'MATCHING' the other. Fucking flame throwers ... the lot of us. But no one looks at the bigger picture ... just the pretty ones OR the loud devastating ones ... Nothing but DRAMA!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgLfOrVJJMg

Onto more of the fun stuff.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rnNTDWII3U

I am very pleased at the Iranians response to the US and it's Allies. I hope all shit breaks lose and that things get really blown out of proportions. People die everyday. I hope this time it's enough to make a HUGE scene and show up the US and it's Allies for what they really are. Fucking Power Mongers with only their own self interests at heart. The rest that follow are nothing but sheep.

I think that about wraps up my day. ;)

Until next post.

Burn Baby Burn!!!
https://i.ibb.co/Ld8nGzG/Burn-Baby-Burn.jpg

Good timing for the allies to get together with all the lovey dovey BS AND then start a fucking war. Fucking sheep the lot of yas.

Really hoping WWIII comes sooner than later. FYW and all those in it.

... but of course ... love and light and all that jazz

... until next post.

Is that you Mr Ponder? You best your fucking ASS it is!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GdkBSaoAII

Interesting how the media prepares the collective mind of the masses before the great speech. Puppet Nations. Oh well ... Perhaps next year nukes will fly whilst in the mean time the US consolidates their interests/grip - in & on the world.

In the mean time ... may was well finalize the latest obsession with my Proposed Electric Scooter Purchase:

I have come to the end of obsessing over what one to buy but now can't wait till I get it. That's going to take a while though as I will have to save unless I can take out a later loan than usual. I've decided to go with an expensive one. I found a way that to fit within the legal constraints - although it could still be debatable. Here is a government link to the Law in my state regarding personal mobility devices otherwise known as PMDs. The fact they use an image of a scooter nails it for me as well as themselves validating this new appealing form of 'transportation'.
https://www.qld.gov.au/transport/saf...bility-devices

The scooter I propose meets all the required measurements and comes in under the weight. The main issue with scooters when used as a PMD (separate to a recreational device [comes down to how one uses and identifies with that device]) ... is speed - NOT the wattage. This loophole of Personal Mobility Device and the fact that you do not have to be psychically disabled to classify your device as such puts to rest my angst over wattage size of electric engine. Fact is - some PMDs will require more wattage to reach legal speeds when pushing different weights up different hills.

This is why in the end I have chosen to go with an 800watt scooter. More so because for my angst, I feel I have come close nailing the wattage debate (as it stands with legislation in my state re electric scooters used as a PMD)

To Lock or Unlock the legal speed?
LOL - The anxiety of it all. This is why I gave up with my drone. This one is simple really ... don't break the legal speed limit and you should have nothing to worry about. Apparent they have new legislation with simple fines now. $130 for speeding on a scooter. Much cheaper in comparison to a car ticket, however I don't plan on and still consider it a heft price all things considered.

Cool ... my friend is up ... time for a late breakfast.

Back to this post later ... where I will further indulge and motivate myself re my upcoming scooter.

Fucking sore shoulders and neck from riding so much on my bike this week having not really ridden in a while. Friend goes home tomorrow.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Back to walking and will give the bike a little break. It won't be the same riding solo.

I need to relax more ... the shopping center doors unexpectedly closed on me. When I pushed them in the opposite direction, one of them came of the rails. I was surprised because they are pretty big door. Thankful they did not come completely off and that the next morning I saw them working again. They really should not of retracted on me and my reaction was more out of fear than anything else. Seems like all the doors are closing in on me. Grrrrrrrrrr.

That said, I did alright just now heading down town to sign some papers.

Have been having feelings of dread lately and a bit down ... working on it. Going solo can get lonely at times, but that's pretty much life on my side of the fence. Most of my acquaintances are not into the same things as me which makes it hard to connect at a level that is healthier for me. More so being active outdoors. I shall miss my friend. We covered about 80kms on his scooter and my bike going from place to place whilst he was here.

This is the long term Goal for me:

https://i.ibb.co/SsTsD0B/Inokim-Ox.pnghttps://i.ibb.co/7QjZDS8/Inokim-Ox-2.png
It's confirmed that wattage is not an issues in my state ... but speed is. That said - unlocking the speed on the OX (Not OXO) is relatively easy → LINK Once unlocked, you can limit the speed to 25kph for public roads, and then change it to 45kph for private roads. What I like about this model is that even when set to 25kph, you can go uphills at that speed due to the high wattage motor. 800watts continuous with 1300watts peak. 100km distance rated with 60kg rider @ 25kph under ideal conditions. 90+kg rider with hills has been rated to 50kms distance (My ideal weight it 72kg with 76kg more manageable - currently 96kg) ... but I won't really know until I do my own tests. 50kms is way more than I need and the suspension makes for one of the smoother rides currently available on the market. bla bla bla ... It can also go on dirt, grass and over many other surfaces. Just what I need to go around or cross the road like I do now when seeing other people. ... and when I do want go on by other sidewalk users, I can do so without taking up as much space as my current bicycle.

It's a long way off ... but I can't stop thinking about how awesome and appropriate this transpiration device is going to be for me. Is good to have things to look forward too. Might have to sell my laptop to get the savings rolling ... maybe ... maybe not ... but I will get this and it's going to be a game changer re me spending too much time on my PC. :)

In the meantime I best get walking!!! Whilst that scooter can handle up to 120kg/265lbs ... I now have a good incentive to lose a bit of weight.

Well that scooter is quite an ambitious target for me. However, it's good to have an aim once again.

https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ez...TW6/weight.png

Seems one goal has created another. So many times I have struggled this time around in being unable to tip the scales in my favor. I'll never forget my 30+kg weight loss achievement. This time the target is for 21kg loss. 72 is optimal - but if and when I do it right - yet gain - 75 will be more maintainable. I went up to 106kg before I started having pains in my chest and was unable to get about without a lot of effort. I made it down to 72kg and got carried away many times; hitting 69kg which was too hard for me to sustain. No doubt everyone is different. My weight fluctuates easily if I let myself go. I was several kgs lighter not so long. 86kg just before Xmas.

Oh well ... let's see how many times I can keep the gist of this post repeated. Hopefully long enough to see that ticker slider towards the healthier end.

It's going to be blistering hot outside soon. I best get walking and start getting hard core re the food/drugs.

Holding course - no weigh ins until a weeks time. unfortunately my wrist has packed it in and I am not even sure how it happened. Strained ligaments over time I am guessing. Just started hurting and got worse slowly until it's now feeling like I have a broken wrist. Is OK ... I am getting used to parts on my body degrading before their time. I'm still typing so it can't be that bad. Just no more riding bike for a while. Nothing else really to say at this time.

My wrist is feeling much better after I used a compression bandage. I think it was my first bout of arthritic pain. It's a bit wet outside and getting dark, but I have lights on my bike so figure I might do some cycling around our block. I felt good the other night using my mini tramp to get the blood pumping. Food wise I can't say I am making any ground, but I am balancing my time off my computer very well and getting enough outdoor exposure each day. I think my first weigh in will not be so good but that's OK ... this week is really about working on my mind set - not giving up.

My daughter is still homeless, now on the run (the lamb) with said parolee. It all makes for great drama. I think the attachment is too hard to break. I have provided all the information by way of text and more detail in an email. I spoke to local crisis case managers and outlined the process for my daughter as to how one can better their chances when it comes to being prioritized. I spent many hours making phone calls and writing it all up. Not much else I can do but keep the info on hand as well as my encouragement. I don't think she is quite ready ... but I feel better that I made an effort to lend support.

My grandson is away on a visitation. Mt wife and I will Skype him the day before he comes home. Is very sad to see him go each time as he always resists with crying and does not want to go. He is non verbal on our Skype calls, whilst actively involved when in our care re skpes calls to his Dad. People say to us that it's our time to relax ... whilst that might be true, we can't help given what we see; worry about him ... at least until he comes back HOME. We have explained that his mum is sick. That she is away trying to get better. He cried for many hours one day just repeating, "why,why,why ..." It was really hard to watch ... but something I knew he just had to go through. I have STILL been bring pieces of furniture in from his old house ... his room ... slowly over time. Sometimes he pines a little more, but not quite as bad. Each time I bring something in I am acutely aware of his reactions and I will set myself down to his level to let him know that we love him dearly and that everything is going to be alright. Sadly his mum just does not get the pain he is going through. She is still fathoming all of her own and not something I judge either way. For now ... we just know he is and will always be ... better off in our care. Both the Mother and Father do not care enough to put the time in re all of our grandsons special needs. The final hearing coming up in about 5 months will take between 3 to 4 days. We will be well prepared.

Sigh ... My own supports ... going well enough. I've struggled a few times to be sure and with everything going on that's fair enough. I've got that defense covered well enough. Thankfully have re-established my space in here ... and I will continue as I have done over the years. People come and go ... but the essence of how and what works for me shall always be the same. Perhaps not the outlook as that's always changing for me ... The essence YES.
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So Distractions? I have given the computer simulations games a break of late but thinking of returning to one or two of them. The one's I play keep the mind stimulated and when playing ones I have played for years, the can be rather relaxing. The challenge of learning new games whilst perhaps obsessive at times, can at other times be rewarding making for the perfect distraction with the bonus of learning new skills. Alpha testing can get frustrating ... but also exciting when new patches come out.

I think I will go for that little ride around the block ... once it stops raining.

In the mean time I go mine a few asteroids in star Citizen:

https://i.ibb.co/R0yQhq2/Argo-Mole.png

Most underrated actor I know. Had no idea he passed last year:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mz9DZzFV_xk

To find out how many more passed last year
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCnnVs8jy8o

Definitely getting older ...

One of my favorites of his ... then all his sci-fi flicks as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZzqlxOLBus

LOL - Now I am off for an earlish morning walk ... God forbid!

Walk Jog walk jog around the sports oval ... nice to see no dog shit or other humans. Went for a casual walk thereafter. Came home and now on the lemon juice.

The scooter mission is accomplished. I managed to pull it off earlier than expected with two separate loans and some family help. I even upgraded my scooter order to the Roles Royce of Off Road Scooters. Instead of one rear 800watt hub electric motor ... I now got Dual Front & Rear 1000 Watt motors. YEAAAA BABY!!! I can now climb up walls. The unit being factory direct means it's higher speed potential is available ... No need to unlock. however I can limit to legal speeds when using on public roads. It comes with a bigger battery which gives me up to a range on 100km on eco mode. I really can't beleive I pulled this intention out of my head and made it a reality. I even got the dealer to throw one of the new fangdangled smart helmets he had in his shop. I think I got such a good deal, because my friend who was also interested, drove to the store I suggested and bought one as well. Two Rolls Royces in one day. Will take a bit over a week to get here as whilst he was in the shop I was 5 hours away online. He just passed me over on the phone once he did the dealing.

https://i.ibb.co/mqqQ5CY/OXO.jpghttps://i.ibb.co/vVTDtGV/smart-bluetooth-helmet.jpg

Hopefully my head is not too big. haha ... usually is when it comes to hats and helmets. Thankfully this scooter can take much more weight than the introductory scooter that my friend 1st brought up. Although I am aiming to lose weight to light the load, I'll be looking into carrying some gear in a backpack with me. I'll be sticking to mostly outdoors and don't fancy leaving this (even chained up) at bike racks to venture into buildings. It can be folded but weighs a tone compared to lighter models that people take on trains. I'm going to have to up the weight routine if I want to carry this up stairs. There is one place I go to twice a week for appointments that has offered me to put in their shed. I might take them up on their offer as the area does have a lot of thieves and our town is well known for stealing these kind of things. Even if I could carry up their wooden stairs, I think I might fall through taking this beast up. Hmmmm ... Narrr - I get along with that lady quite well. I think the shed it will be. The other place I frequent I will just wheel it inside and fold it down up against a wall - Ill ask first. Other than that ... just happy to take it for the odd spin. Might take the laptop out a bit more to write outdoors. Botanical Gardens in the shade ... that might work .... although that gaming lap top is kind of heavy. I'll save that idea for when I have lost 20kg ... touch wood. Might just use keyboard and Phone on a stand. The point is ... that purchase is to help me get out more ... A LOT MORE. I wont be taking it to the beach. The salt and humidity not good for it at all. I can however ride across open field/floodways and access small reserve areas like I always like to do. I could Head off and take my time investigating new areas I have not previously spent as much time doing. I wonder - if I get a sensor alarm and appropriate large lock - I would settle for parking at one end of a sports oval out of the way but where I do laps right on by the patch of grass I choose ... Instead of laps I could put down orange markers at two ends ... one where I park and then on the other end just running back and forth without lapping. Hmmmmm that would work. Yea ... that's a plan. Narrrrr ... standing in a skaters stance or standing at all regardless of battery powered would not be good afer a work out like that ... not for me. Oh well ... However a smaller kite or if I could work out how to carry the one I have would make for a good activity at a moments notice in an open field. Fishing off the pier right next to my scooter and ultra light chair. Not that I really like to fish - not any more. Maybe I will just watch others instead ... narrr ... just find a quiet place and meditate ... much better idea.

OK - I go and try to sleep. My skin is crawling a little tonight. Not sure why. I have been doing well food wise .. I know ... soy sauce on my stake. That would be it for sure. Too much of a good thing ... too much salt.

That's enough of a blurb ... keep up the walking ... and steady as she goes with the night rides. Also been forcing myself to stay on the sidewalks and cross as crossing with my bike in preparation for when the scooter arrives. I must admit this latest intention has forced me to deal with such things. The other reason I also went all out on the scooter set up was to feel comfortable being on display. I think that kit is going to look alright. I like that aspect of it so that helps.

Not long now ...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Go to sleep Davy Boy!!! [http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

Nailed No Junk Food Today - Also kept my intake low. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Detoxing to be sure.

Huge Day - Probably should not of run the battery down on the new scooter having not even given it it's first charge. Will have to range test it after it's 1st big charge, however not sure I am up for that given my back needs a little rest after today's 22km from one side of town the to other. It really is frigen awesome. I did an hours walk this morning and also this afternoon. Ate pretty good today - no sugar and salt additives whatsoever and portion size really good. Need to buy some more carrots and use as a filler when cravings hit. Might go to the beach with wife and grandson tomorrow - see what happens. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Have still been using the rain sounds to get to sleep.

9:30pm ... I am hitting the sack ... feeling good enough to sleep. Maybe write when I have enough space and time about the 1st scooter ride. It really was something.

Goodnight ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sl...eep-in-bed.gif

Excellent day with food. It's not easy keeping straight with others eating all the stuff I need to stop. My wife does not suffer the addiction or self abuse ways I tend to go when I am using food. Nevertheless it is hard when she breaks into a little of this or that. I'm starting to head back into the Raw food category and dropping the meat. Already starting to feel a little loser - BUT - still detoxing and will for quite some time I think. Made myself a big list and will have to keep focused on that tomorrow. I'll also weigh in as well and compare with my last ticker.

Today's activity .. I went to the beach but was feeling tired. Yesterday was quite a big one and once again ... feeling the detoxing. Thus I was glad I could use me electric scooter to visit a friend. I am still getting used to it's powerful dual 1000 watt motors. For the most part I was able to appear graceful. I am getting over the glamour and vanity that such attentions that might come from owning such a thing. It is doubtful that currently, there is another in the town like it ... and or rarely seen ... so what I once considered a confidence boost is kind of starting to make me feel more spotlighted than anything cool or special. BUT then again I am also aware that I can push through my self image hangups by just focusing on how to handle the power of the thing. I have to make sure I am in the right setting and not pushing the accelerator to hard whilst balancing in some tight positions waiting on raise islands in the middle of a four lane crossing. Things can easily go from cool looking to full blown clown with this beast of an e-scooter if your not prepared. Thus far I won't ware earbuds until I have mastered the thing. All that said ... I did a 12km round trip to visit are friend as if I had driven my car. That's how I felt when I got home and at my friends I sat down and talk as if I had arrived in my car. The only sweat I really had to contend with, was my head under the helmet and mostly because of how hot summer can get in Australia.

Righto ... still early. Not even 7:30. I feel tired enough to sleep well enough. Last night I slept good enough. I just watch some mindless stuff and again have an early night (by comparison of old) and see what tomorrow brings when I get up.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz

I'll weigh in then.

The early night seems to of backfired on me. Some really loud neighbours down the street had it so that when I did wake, it was to their thumping. Thankfully there might be a storm rolling in. One can only hope. If not - is all good. Despite feeling hollow with a craving to eat stuff that is not good for me, I am actually feeling pretty good with the aches and pains. That's not a bad trade off. Although emotionally I am dealing with a LOT of stuff and it just seems like it's relentless with no end in sight, I really do feel like I am done with complaining. Frustration and anger do still reside in me along side depression and all those other negative long term traits that come about from unfortunate experiences. Cycles of wanting to leave, coming back then leaving only to come back again. I smile to think of how just true those words on all counts are for me.

I have proven to myself with recorded bouts in previous threads that I have the capacity for peaceful moments. I've even been able to string them together to resemble some kind of peaceful existence, although cyclic as that may be. Mental Illness really is one of an episodic nature. Only when I give up the poison and put myself through these detox periods do I seem more able to connect reach a state outside my racing thoughts. There's that hollow feeling I woke up with, BUT, then there is also a sense of knowing that speaks with more awareness; than I do to myself and others during my anxiety filled days. I really need to sit with that awareness so much more often than I have ever cared to try before. There is more anxiety coming to be sure. What makes this next bout of clean living more challenging is a sensing of what is to come, yet that I really can't know for sure as that time never really comes. What's key right now, is knowing what's taken place and how that's affected others close to me and myself - accepting my reactions Vs knowing my emotion.

So much despair, bitterness and anger all in that order from one ep to the next ... where in the end we either continue to hate ourselves and others - OR we truly accept our and others pain. It really does seem to be either one of two ways. A life long journey to be sure.

Well ... the rain is now falling. Small mercies. :) I think I will try to go back to sleep and let this awareness sit for a long as can be. Let others complain and hate as they must ... for now I just focus on myself and those closest to me.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Take two ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sl...eep-in-bed.gif

Sunday Weigh In: Last week results: 93.4 - This wee I have lost 1.8kg - Total lost over the last couple of weeks = 4.5kg

This weeks results:

https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ez...qgW/weight.png

Lucid Dreaming:
Despite the upset last night I think the better part of that write up helped me get back to sleep. I find myself once again entering into lucid dreaming. I was in some kind of hospital throwing my guts up. The staff actually seemed like healers despite the walls and ceiling. That said, I think they were a little perplexed as to what was happening to me. I really got into the part of experiencing. Especially with throwing up and paying attention to what came out and relieved I felt afterwards. I think the experience was a good one. I count the experience of feeling, of being, and actually living in my dream more important than remembering. I remember enough. The more I try to unravel such worlds, the more I loose connection. It's usually a good sign when I am having those kind of experiences. I was getting them on the meds, but somehow there is a difference when I do it with detoxing, abstinence and super clean eating. It's early days yet. The difference I talk about another time.

This Weeks Approach:
"You can't do that, you'll go into starvation mode!" ... "You need carbs!" ... "You can't live without meat!" ... "You can't live on fruits and Veggies alone!" ... "Organic is the only way!" ... and so and so forth. I've pretty much done it all and when I get it right I soon forget that magic list of how it all worked for me. To keep it simple ... this week I will only be having two meals a day with weigh loss friendly fruits and high density veggies in between - BUT mostly water with the odd herbal tea. Timing will be based on how I am feeling as for now I can feel myself living off the fat. That is to say I am seemingly passing the stage of not feeling hungry - OR - in that phase where I know the difference between cravings and anxiety. The latter a real issue when it comes to me and food. I'll find tune the gist of this approach later through the week and see what the next weigh in brings.

Other Factors:
All that the other factors still come into play but not something I will log in at this stage other than to name them for the sake of locking into the back of my brain. Weighing all these is not so easy but plays a big part as when that balance falls apart, the poison soon creeps back in.

Walking
Sensible Sunlight Exposure
Circadian Routine
Increased Hygiene - Both Psychical and Sleeping Environment
Relationships
Chores
Free Time (brake from family responsibilities)
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A few points missing and more info on each would be interesting.
Today I go get more fresh food and work on some of the above. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/ob...icon-emoji.png

Hope to get in a scooter ride somewhere in all that as well.

Struggled hard today. Pleased to say I made through.

I am aware of the negitive vibes ... but will stay true to my resolve and do my best not to feed it. Those reading will come to thier own conclusion.

I reject all that hate and humilation, but only do so whilst accepting all that which resides in me.

Live and let others be.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz night night.

I think I gain a lot from seeing how it is that I do both; fight and flight. Although the main context on the subject typically talked about, is the back and forth switching/jerking of deeply felt negatively impacting emotions. Some us with chronic mental illness will feel it like a constant throbbing. I often wonder whether I'm growing some kind of cyst or not. That's not to say I can't be stable and suffer the same thing. In fact there are many times where the struggle becomes harder the more I try to pretend such suffering does not exist. I often find myself acting out. During such times when doing so I am aware that I have become unstable and often remove myself from both triggers and source. There are others times where I become more at home with such negativity. The latter more in line with addiction; aka attachments. I think everybody has a predisposition to both. It's hard not to get sucked into all that negativity. It's really is a black hole. Social media and even forums like these are seemingly becoming worse for such things. Yet here I am myself. Best I can say to that, is "it's not the place I call home that make me, me. More so what I say and think, is what makes my home, home.

It goes way beyond that ... but that's a good start. I'd only add to that, where I focus makes or breaks that start. Hence to say this is the main reason I'm not biting into the negativity that's feeding those who thrive on such misery. I have never really liked the act of commiseration of any kind. There is no definition that anyone can come up with when using such a limited language. Especially when it's expressed with such a tone. Nevertheless it does spread like wildfire and this is what drives the mob mentality. I'm still looking into all kinds of fascinating conspiracies that deal with the way in which malevolent and corrupt higher powers manipulate and control. Not so much for the Hollywood Drama, but for a greater understanding of how my own mind works. Once I understand the infectious nature of such negative energies, I feel much more able in my attempts to find peace. It also helps in locking others out that you know are trying to control; be it higher powers or simply little triggers. Typically both where once is doing the others bidding; with or without knowing.
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I best get ready. Cleaner is coming. I want to straighten things out a little before she arrives. This support has been a huge help. I now find myself being cleaner then I was before. I still need to work on it, but it's been a massive improvement. The yard care also another element of my supports. Permanently affected and warranted. Yet somehow I am feeling OK when I write like I did above. In this view I reject those labels that have me warranted, yet there is much truth within the symptoms. I look forward to my 1st meeting coming up on the 29th with a new ASD/ADHD therapist. I have been getting roasted more and more of late in not just only this forum but others as well when I ask simple questions using too many words. Often I do no understand what others are saying, and then they laugh all the more. Of course when I play into it, it starts to make my head throb as described before. Thankfully I am seeing that process of negativity play out as also previously outlined. My episodic nature certainly does not help.

For now though ... this change of tune is helping. It's far from cowering. Quite the opposite in fact.

Today's challenge is to ride my scooter into a shopping center car park with pride. hehe I love that damn sexy scooter. Truth is, no one is laughing at me. I do however see a LOT of envious looks, some less positive, but many with genuine smiles. That more than makes up for those few who thrive on the above.
So if you will excuse me, I have an open coffee house to attend where I can show off my ride ... I best stick to drinking water though as that part of my routine is also going well.

Adios ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/angry/smiley.gif.... https://i.ibb.co/nRJs7qq/scooter-dog.png

On Target Zzzzzzzzzz 👍

Time to start journaling with some photos like I used to do.

First things first ... Presenting Ponder and his grandson:

My Number One Human Being: Little Joe Joe.

https://i.ibb.co/HtnB6KQ/Pop-and-Joey.jpg
How quick time goes!



I'll finish with something else close to my heart right now:
https://i.ibb.co/wRN6jVF/My-Off-Road-Urban-Scooter.jpg

Man that thing flys. I am yet to take it up to 60km/h. Yet to find an appropriate stretch of road and the right time. Might help if I also get some more experience. I have nearly clocked up 100km. This has truly been a Godsend for me. I am making trips across town not too far off the times that it takes when I am using my car. Although I don't get to use my car that often as my wife uses it mostly running little joey and herself around. I attend a lot of my own appointments centered around my mental health. It's big business these days as I am sure some of you know. Chuckles a little at that. For instance, I have the psychotherapy sessions to keep up, GP (do my best to avoid those, but needed to roll over subsidies here and there) Psychiatrist (still seeing one) - mental health group - Holistic Therapy and the odd meetup with a mental health peer here and there. Adding to this maybe a new support worker ... but not really sure. Have enough on my plate for now with the family court and the little guy starting school very soon. Have had to step up a bit with more chores in the house now we have the little one full time.

Which is pretty much why I am doing my best to get on top of my health. I can't afford to keep using food as a filler for stress. At my age, that's a quick and or sorry long drawn out death. That little guy has been with us all the way since he was birthed. (full time supported daughter and grandson but now he lives full time with us) Sad to say his mum cut and run ... but I understand how the pressure of the system can do that to a person. The latter word there sounding off persecution in my head. This world loves to blame and shame.

The latest news on that front, We were contacted by the little fella's psychologist who after listing to some audio file my wife made re our grandson coming back all distressed from his fathers visit - we have been advised to contact child protection to make a notification against the father. During his last 3 day visit, my grandson was forced into a strict regime of toilet training. Like I said before, the little guy is ASD lvl 2. I think his father is embarrassed that he is still in nappies. Long story short, the father has already beaten my grandson when he was 16 months old and also abuse another one of his children for having pooed in their nappy. Anyways, Little Joey there has been telling us how he is now again getting hit. It's sad that it is going on, but I am really proud that the little guy is strong enough to let us know. It all goes deeper than that and whilst some here who support smacking kids ... well ... we won't tolerate having our grandson treated like that. Poor kid is going to have enough of a hard time stating in a state school still in a nappy - but he has got ligament issues that varioius professionals on this end our helping with. I don't know though. The whole abuse thing is just ripping me somewhat. I struggle when other kids can't help themselves and start staring at my little boy because he is different. But to then hear this crap going on with his own father. Sigh ... It seems everyone on all sides of the fence and from different angles are struggling with shame and blame. It always comes back to that. This world really sucks with how it uses such conditioning ... lots of fear based techniques.

Sometimes you really do just got to say FUCK IT! I doubt I even explained any of that correctly but that's OK. This here is the space in which I let such things out so I can better address said crap in the tangible world. I hope my daughter is doing OK. Despite the abuse in his fathers side, our grandson as you can see above is yet still in good spirits. Mostly because we accept him for who he is - the world can go fuck itself when it comes to expecting people like us to simply fit it!!!

Sigh ...

OK - I am going back to my movie now. JOKER 2019. I can so relate to that guy it's funny and not at the same time. I even laugh like him.

Like I said ... keeping it real.

Night night folks.

A very good split pea soup (vegan) Having a crack at this now. Not sure I will get the same texture, but it's smelling quite good atm. Starting to struggle a bit with side effects of no junk or processed foods. But no where near as damaging as when I was trying the meds. Over than the sweating and craving I am feeling less pain and itching. Not sure I will lose much weight this week, but that's OK as like I say, despite the sweating and cravings, I am feeling much MUCH better. Happy if I break even this coming Sunday. For some reason I am feeling quite low emotionally, but then I guess that is to be expected still early into the transition.

Bed before 9pm. Wiped Out. Zzzzzzzz hour + brisk walk. Still no junk food ... sweets, additives and so on. All whole foods. Too tired to type from phone. Hight temps in the 30+cellcius with extreme humidity. Highest temp ever in the evening two nights ago. Can't wait till summer settles down. All the more reason to stay trim and clean next cycle.

On the fly this morning. As soon as I opened my eyes I knew what I must do to keep my progress going. I dragged myself out of bed, rubbed my eyes and slowly went through the process of getting dressed. I greeted the others in the house and eventually trudged on out the door for what ended up in a one hour twenty minute sold walk. Upon arriving home I filled the sink to start a batch of dishes, headed into the shower and then eventually wound up on this. I have less than 30 minutes left to finish the dishes, get dressed and get my scooter read for my next trip; a 9:00 am appointment. Takes a breath.

I savor a few minutes now because I am allowing enough time for the scooter ride there. That ride taking me the long way around so I can better enjoy the feeling of movement and wind in my face. (as you know I have no hair)

Although I have only been recording my weigh ins at once I week, I have been on occasion checking in between. The results are not budging, but that's all good as composition, aches and pains are all good. I do note I continue to feel exhausted, however see that as part of the process so early in. It's going to take at least 8 weeks imo for that to subside. Bit like with how GPs give you the lecture on trialing new medication. Takes X number of weeks for the body to give in. In my case, it's about my body taking back control.

Righto ... enough said. On with my goals.

Stress Free Travel - Absolutely loving the scooter.

https://i.ibb.co/5swcRC7/Stress-Free-Travel.jpg

Shares A Link:

https://i.ibb.co/jv5gt35/4-28-CC-HOM...d-Facebook.jpg

Sometimes ya just got to lighten the load.

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_

ONE OF MY FAVORITE RAIN VIDEOS/AUDIO TO SLEEP TO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q76bMs-NwRk&t=8239s

Still On Track - Night Night http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sl...miley-face.gif

Impressive hauling capabilities. That's no lightweight laptop and I brought along a few more accessories; thermos, extra shirt, portable battery, two pairs of glasses, ear buds, wallet and phone. Forgot the damn mosquitoe replant. I powered on through the off road track to get here without issues whatsoever. Well actually I did two controlled slide-outs traveling at 25km/h on a couple of bends which I thought looked pretty cool. hehe. It's not a bad spot. I have the ocean to my left. Home is about three and a half clicks away. I have often wanted to head off walking down the road with my huge laptop bag on my back looking for such a spot to write from. After a couple of times I found the weight of this setup a bet too heavy as it would shift from side to side whenever I would break into a brisk walk. Standing on the scooter with only a few slight moves from time to time is like walking in the breeze. Could not be more happier with the option to now write from outdoors.

https://i.ibb.co/JpX2T6w/Off-Road-Mobile-Office.jpg

So where am I at in this little journal of mine? I must say the concept of writing like so has served me well with regards to setting up goals. Tomorrow is weigh on and as suspected, my weight has not really budged ... possible increased. That's OK because I know it's just part of the phase. Regardless of the numbers I have worked really hard to stay on track with my clean eating. In that I give myself a pat on the back. It's just SOOO easy to give in with just one treat, just one sip or one drive through. I have said NO whilst those around partake in those divine choices.

Sleep wise - I did better in the first week but sill doing much better than a couple of weeks ago. I did mention I am struggling with fatigue. I put that down to the transition, but kind of worried about it for some reason. I'm hopping it is the extreme sultry weather. I won't make a call on that till the weather cools down in about another 8 weeks. That's a LONG way off for someone giving up all the treats. Where food was the easy answer, I will just have to resort to getting out of the house a little more doing this kind of thing. My grandson starts school soon, so that will free up some time. Today he is at birthday party. I must admit that's been a massive transition, having been thrust upon my wife and I at the school break. That's another thing I say that has been done rather well. We have a good routine back in place - like the previous times we had to do the parenting thing. On that note we are putting in a missing persons report. Given the nature of who she left with and lifestyle that our daughter has now taken up. No word for a long time now. That does not sit well with either myself or my wife. Making that report seems the right thing to do. That said, looks like we are just going to have to accept what is and where it goes. We just keep doing what we must on our end.
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Still plenty of battery power left in this beast. Hmmmmm ... Man the air is smelling fresh! Wish is came through my bedroom window like this. Pitty I sold my good camping hammock. Is going to be a while before I can get anything. I could still use my son's open one even though there is no mozzy net. I'll just bring it when it's windy and cooler. Thinking of the mosquitoes I am. This is really good! I think half my issue is with the indoor air and the house being shut up so much. It needs to be that way as my wife's condition require air con with stable temps. I don't like it for me, but that's OK - Like I say, it's needed for my other half. Honestly ... the temps just seem to be getting hotter and what with everyone all air con bound, it's only going to be more a thing. I think I feel it more because I like to stay outdoors more while those who don't ... well ... I don't think they suffer the great changes in temps like I do ... then there is the stuffy air regardless of being cold. Every morning I make sure to air the place out and in the evenings I still open my bedroom window regardless of the heat. No doing so I will often wake up feeling quite oxygen deprived. Exercise does help with that, but the exhaustion of late is making that a little problematic.

Think I will head home now and then get in another walk. I am still putting a lot of focus on my walking as that helps with circulation when I do it briskly enough.

Looks like rain is coming. Hopefully I get home in time, then I grab an umbrella because walking like that in the rain I like as well. Less people about too, although I have done pretty good of late getting about on that scooter.

OK - That's a wrap.

A little something to keep the negative entities at bay. When all else fails you can't go wrong with juicing. LOL @ ice-cream packing in the top left of photo. My Grandson's! ... Not mine! - I SWEAR ON IT!

https://i.ibb.co/bFxnFg6/Back-to-juicing.jpg

I have not reached near my capacity when it comes to passionate writing re my most successful healing strategies. There was a time during my say in here that I excelled at such things. Then for whatever reason I was dragged down. To be sure I am as much as fault for allowing it to happen. I'm going to relate that to negative entities in the forum of 'others' and hold true to my own set of - hmmm - LONG PAUSE - 'Not Beliefs' ... I'll say 'theories' Yea ... My set of theories. Pondering on those is where I easily sense that I am leaving many people behind and most definitely writing to one's self. I do hope an inkling rings with others, but that kind of fathoming leaves the sleeping; sleeping. You know your on track when others start to joke or make fun of you. So in response to that, I say it's time to upgrade the carrot munching and bring on the juice!

Off to the markets today. I might only get a few things - Just so I can take my SCOOOOOTER. https://i.ibb.co/WWqDDtJ/Haha.gif Woops ... could not help that one. That one goes out to the forum bullies. Seriously ... lets see how hard core I can get with this juicing.
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Edit → almost forgot:

https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ez...mGd/weight.png
Was a very hard week ... weight stayed the same, but the fact I have kept eating clean is a win win. Now ready to up the ante!

Took the car instead. Decided to get a few days worth of supplies - possibly the longer part of a week, but doubtful when all I will be eating is fruits and veggies: Loads more variety in the fridge - this was just topping up.

https://i.ibb.co/9tL1KYR/Veggies.jpg

Green Juice for breakfast and Carrot juice just now before bed. Salad for lunch and lightly steam veggies for dinner. Did well today. I was fairly regular and no bloating whatsoever. Definitely still feeling hollow at times (cravings) but a much more manageable feeling state. Not one that makes me feel like eating, but more easily control with drinking water and or herbal tea. Worst comes to worst ... I just munch on carrots and a few leaves. Now if I can keep that up for a week, I think it's certain that I will have dropped a few more KGs. YET that's not so much the goal as it is to reset my gut health. Have not bothered shaving due to the extra effort in this transition. I'll up that part of my hygiene tomorrow. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz The carrot juice seems to be working. lol I had 8 ounces ... depending on next weeks weigh in, I might drop that back to 4 ounces as is the recommended amount re sugar levels. For now ... I will dial it back to 6 ounces before bed for the rest of the week. 177ml or two 3rds of a cup.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz

PPS - Then Bed

THOUGHT THIS WAS COOL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnb7EqfykF4

Now ZZZZZ Land calls ...

It was a hard day today. I lost my far sighted glasses and in that process whilst all angst up over trying to find them, I pulled my neck yet again. I seem to struggle with stress building up in my neck quite often as I have pulled that area quite often other the last year. Thankfully I still have my reading glasses and I can get by without my farsighted ones for now. Hopefully when I heal a little and calm down some, my missing glasses will pop back up when I least expect it. If not I will just have to replace them, although my scooter has set me back for a whiles to come.

Other than that ... holding true to eating clean and juicing in the morning and before bed. Fruits and veggies between with only a few beans. It's hard core to be true and not something I intend to keep up for too long. It is more a cleansing attempt as well as a gut reset. Healthy GUT - Healthy Mind ... although not quite that simple.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Here's willing me neck to improve immensely overnight. ZZZZZzzzz night night.