Anxiety and Depression: Have You Experienced These Symptoms?

Hi everyone. Lately I have been thinking very hard on how to put my anxiety and depression behind me. There are symptoms that I have been experiencing over the years and I always wonder if anyone has experienced them like this. Over the years I have read many things online, but many topics are, to put it simply, cookie-cutter templates that I often don't identify with. Actually, I am not even sure exactly what kind of mental disorder I am suffering from, but I do know that generally it falls into both the anxiety and depression category. Based on some things I have read online, it seems I may have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (among others) but, again, with the cookie-cutter ideas, it's difficult to pin-point. Let me briefly give you a background about myself, so that you can more easily relate this to your own life experience. After this, I will list some of the symptoms I am referring to above. If you are not interested in this background info, skip the next paragraph to the list of symptoms below.

BACKGROUND INFO (skip to symptoms below if not interested)

So, I am a 29-year old male. When I was a child, around the age of perhaps 11, I began to pick the skin on my hands (totally separate topic, you can google dermatillomania). At that time I didn't know what it was, despite my parent's aim to help me by taking me to doctors to treat what they called an eczema. I always knew that's not what it was, because it wasn't a skin problem, it was a behaviour problem. Looking back on it, now that I am older I know that all that skin picking must have been related to anxiety, maybe even depression, as a child. I don't know what set it off during my childhood. Probably a combination of personality, upbringing, school environment etc. Fast forward many years ahead, and my anxiety/depression started getting worse towards the end of high school. During my university years, I experienced the worst period of anxiety/depression, which lasted a good 7 years. I felt I didn't identify with society, was reclusive, had low self-esteem, low self-confidence. I tried to get help on two separate occasions. Once in a research program where a university group was testing a new anti-depressant on patients (totally voluntary), but as a patient you didn't know if you were to get the real thing, or a placebo pill. In the end I decided that wasn't for me, as I didn't want to be a guinea pig for their experiments, and deal with potential side effects. The second time was in a group counselling at the university. I went to the first meeting, and didn't go back, as it simply wasn't for me and I didn't fit in at all. Towards the end of university I met a woman who I entered a relationship with. This lasted until several months ago, which is when the relationship ended. Long story short it has been a depression experience. During my relationship with her, I thought that I had really put my anxiety/depression behind me for the most part, and felt quite happy. In hindsight, perhaps this wasn't always the case, and I think it still lingered around, consciously and subconsciously. That bring you up to speed to the current day, where I am trying to put anxiety/depression behind me, and just get on with life once and for all. Here are some symptoms I have experienced and experience on a regular basis, and which I wonder how many of you have gone though, and in what similar ways.

SYMPTOMS EXPERIENCED:

- this is a weird one for me, that I haven't really been able to relate to things I see online. I have an obsessive desire to learn about as many topics as possible. If I don't, I fear that I am missing out and that I am doing something wrong in life. For example, I have a constant, compulsive need to always check current events (news) and be informed. I do that often when I am working on the computer, and if work gets overwhelming, I go to news sites to escape that feeling. Another example: I enjoy going to libraries and getting lost between book shelves. When I do that, I look at some many books, and I am always so interested in so many topics, that I getting an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, my heard feels like it contracts, I get sweaty, nervous, I feel like I can't think straight. Basically I want to learn and become an "expert" on so many things, but the experience is so overwhelming, and often I cannot control the feelings that come to me. Has anyone experienced this?

- When I see people who dress well, or are attractive, or seem very confident with themselves and their lives, I get so self-conscious, so insecure, and again, my heart races, I get nervous, I can't concentrate, I worry about what they may think of me. I don't think that I am jealous of them (no, really), but more that I feel like I want to be like that too, and feel so overwhelmed, and like I can't achieve it.

- I always worry about what people think of me. Always. Walking in public places, I am always self-conscious about what I do, or say. I have this fear that people see me as less valuable.

- this is a big one for me (I didn't list them in any particular order): I worry excessively, and have difficulty making decisions. I worry if I am making the right choices in life, whether career wise, relationship wise etc. I bought a car last summer. Even that experience made me anxious, and made me nervous, because I feared I was making the wrong choice.

- I always feel tired, fatigued, even after getting lots of sleep, and usually my sleep is not very restful. I have trouble falling asleep, I can't keep thoughts from racing through my head.

- I experience guilt and regret about past experiences, and can't get it out of my head. Sometimes I have said or done stupid things and honestly, I didn't mean them like that, but somehow they came out wrong. I always stand up for my mistakes, and I never try to find lame excuses. But sometime I wonder if my anxiety and depression cause me to be easily irritable, not with people directly, but with myself. That in turn translates into me saying the wrong things sometimes, even though I don't mean them. For example, one time my partner cursed in public, at a somewhat semi-formal event, and I said something along the lines of "you shouldn't do that". Even though I didn't meant o say it like that, it came out wrong and was a stupid thing to say. I still regret it to this day. Things like this pop up in my mind so often, and they hinder my life and progress at work, etc.

- I worry about spending money on certain things, even if it may not seem that expensive. For instance, I would always about what if I get a better deal elsewhere? What if I don't need this? What if I am being ripped off? Am I making a sound financial decision? As you can see, I just worry a lot.

- sometimes I feel like I am living in someone else's body (if that is even the right way to explain). I have had moments when I hallucinated, and thought that the life I am living is so different from that of other people in the world, and that i really have no idea what I am doing.

- I procrastinate a lot. I have difficulty making decisions, much more so than the average person. I have extreme difficulty concentrating and paying attention.

- If I can avoid public places, or meeting people, I often will, because it makes me nervous, and I fear what people will think of me, or that I don't have enough confidence and self-esteem.

- I still, to this day, pick my skin a lot. It's involuntary, oftentimes I can't help it. I know that this has been associated with OCD, but personally, I am not sure I buy it.

- often I become easily irritable with people, even those in my close life: my (now ex) partner, my family. I should mention I still live at home, and planning to move out, but making decisions is difficult as I always worry about what I am doing, as I have explained above. I always want to help other people, and I think I have not taken care of myself too well, and I over time I have begun to worry about what others think of me, and therefore become easily irritable.

That's all for now! So many more things that I want to say, but I think these summarise what my symptoms are. If anyone has experienced something similar, and wants to add their thoughts and feelings on this, I would love to hear your opinions. Anything like this sound like a particular anxiety and/or depression disorder, that maybe you have been diagnosed with?

Thanks for reading!:)

Hey stellaclark25,

Welcome to the forum; I'll provide what I have one those disorders in the hope that it helps:

Dermatillomania:

I have noticed that it usually occurs as a result of anxiety, or stress, and may be considered as a type of coping,or avoidance mechanism. It appears to be closely related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so view http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/g.html & pages f, m, & i, on anxiety, stress, & OCD, and practise one of the relaxation methods, daily, and when needed. Try St. John's Wort, (preferably a German variety; local ones may vary in efficacy - take with a meal; Jarsin, Perika, or Kira brands have been recommended as being effective) which is believed to act by increasing the availability of the neurotransmitters; serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine, moderately. First effects usually start at around 2 weeks, approaching maximum effectiveness at 4 - 6 weeks. View www.hypericum.com & www.sjwinfo.org/ & www.drweil.com/ :Herbs, and http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/F...perforatum.htm but I don't recommend the HBC brand, over concerns about pesticide residues and heavy metal contamination. Use a form of occupational therapy, to keep your mind busy.

You could also take 50mg (no more) of 5-htp, (take with a very low protein meal, to maximise the amount crossing the blood/brain barrier, with no, or extremely little protein 2 hrs before, to 2 hrs afterwards) and inositol, daily, with the wort.

Another suggestion, for when you catch yourself doing this. Some people carry a wide rubber band in your pocket: put it on your wrist; stretch, and release, as a means of reinforcing it, and speeding up the process, re-pocketing it afterwards, but I regard this as being purely optional. It is a habit, which can be unlearned, preferably by replacing it with another, such as worry beads, or a stress ball, etc. This may take 30 - 40 repetitions, to establish.

Give the Meridian Tapping Technique / EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via mercola.com or www.tapping.com (13 free videos), or www.eftuniverse.com or www.emofree.com or one of the many YouTube videos. Google: "YouTube; EFT videos".
Professionally instructed is generally preferable (Google: therapists; EFT; [your location] or mercola.com has a locator). - There is a version for use in public places at http://eft.mercola.com (if you like, you can claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage / tapping on your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I pick my skin, I deeply and completely accept myself")" or words of your own choosing.

Once proficient in the Meridian Tapping Technique / EFT, you could try employing it by tapping your thighs as you walk, stand or sit, subvocalising using your chosen wording. If anyone asks, you could say that it's just a nervous habit. The acupressure technique can also be used to replace the skin picking.

One therapy that I am aware of is to strongly grip the hand you normally use for 3 minutes, until the impulse to reoffend has passed. Check out: http://www.experienceproject.com/gro...llomania/39406 & www.wrongdiagnosis.com & http://www.stoppickingonme.com/ & http://www.grossbart.com/sd/Skin_Deep9.html & www.mental-health-abc.com and Support: http://dailystrength.org/support Chatsites/forums: www.skinpick.com & http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/ Try to find a therapist who uses Habit Reversal Training. Google: "Clinical psychologists; (your city); (your state)"

Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which you are better able to communicate with your subconscious mind. 85% of people are suggestible to some degree; 15% - 20% highly so, and 15% - 20% aren't much at all, so you could either preferably seek professional hypnotherapy, or, if not an option, hypnosisdownloads.com has one on stopping skin picking.

Recommended reading: The Complete Guide To Skin Picking Disorders by David Florendale, &
The Habit Change Workbook: How to Break Bad Habits and Form Good Ones by James Claiborn Ph.D., Cherry Pedrick R.N., and James Claiborn, & Stop Me Because I Can't Stop Myself : Taking Control of Impulsive Behavior by Jon Grant, S.W. Kim, Jon Grant, and Gregory Fricchione, from your bookstore, or amazon.com

Procrastination:

In: "Feeling Good - the new mood therapy" by David D. Burns, the author provides 14 methods for coping with various aspects of procrastination. Read: The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play by Neil Fiore, & The Practicing Mind: Bringing Discipline and Focus Into Your Life by Thomas M. Sterner, & Awaken Your Strongest Self: Break Free of Stress, Inner Conflict, and Self-Sabotage by Neil Fiore, & (for younger people) See You Later, Procrastinator! (Get It Done) (Laugh & Learn series) by Elizabeth Verdick and Pamela Espeland, from your bookstore, or enter "procrastination" in the searchbar at Amazon.com for other books, and media.

Counterintuitively, to some extent, motivation follows action, and not the other way around, like a pump which needs priming, or a bonfire that needs to be be lit, before going. The diagram goes as follows: INITIAL ACTION > MOTIVATION > MORE ACTION > MORE MOTIVATION > MORE ACTION, and so on. So: MAKE A START, even if only for a minute. We tend to view tasks in their entirety, making them appear huge. I find that it helps to break it down into readily achievable stages, and promise myself a small reward, on the completion of each, and a bigger one, once finalised. Another tactic is to promise yourself that you will make a start, and just do 5, or 10 minutes. If, at the end of that time, you feel like continuing, do so. Otherwise, take a short break, and come back to it, later. It's making the start, that's often the hardest part, and once that is done, everything else often just seems to fall into place, possibly because your unconscious mind is using parallel procession, and continuing to consider it, during the breaks.

Set a timer, or alarm, to remind you when your next break is due, and don't put off resuming it for too long. To put it off is to create a disincentive to returning to the task, and is procrastination in another form. Remember similar previous successes. Consider what will happen if you don't get it done. If you have a deadline for a project; mark the date a few days before the due date, and then count the days back to today. Estimate and divide the work and time over that timeframe, so that by the date due, you'll have completed it, by following the schedule/map outline of the project that you created. That gives you back the power and the control over your life and timetable, and extra time, if needed, as often happens. Folders, shelves, and boxes, clearly labelled, and assigning a place for everything, then getting into the habit (it takes 30 - 40 repetitions to establish a habit, for most people) of putting things in their respective places will make it much easier, in the long term, and help you in other ways, as well (having places for your keys, credit cards, wallet/purse, cellular mobile phone, P.D.A., etc., so you never misplace them). Colour coding can sometimes be of additional benefit in quickly locating something. The benefits will carry over into other areas of your life, too, such as work.

View: http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/ & http://www.studygs.net/attmot3.htm & http://www.how-to-study.com/study-sk...ocrastination/ & http://www.studytips.org/procrastination.htm

Enter "procrastination" in the searchbar at www.mercola.com The time and effort you put into overcoming procrastination now will be repaid countless times over.

85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so either seek professional hypnotherapy, or, quicker, cheaper, and more conveniently: Perfect Partners: Overcome Procrastination + Improving Concentration and Focus Hypnosis Downloads is at http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/ or Perfect Partners: Do It Now + Overcome Procrastination, and at http://www.instant-hypnosis.com/ there is: Stop Procrastination

GUILT: View http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...m-being-judged

REGRETS: See http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...409#post228409

GENERALISED ANXIETY DISORDER: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...989#post223989

DEPRESSION: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...510#post216510

SELF ESTEEM: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...feel-worthless

INSECURITY: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...312#post225312

SELF CONFIDENCE: http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/1.html

INSOMNIA: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...310#post230310

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"I always feel tired, fatigued, even after getting lots of sleep, and usually my sleep is not very restful" - if you have an insufficency of vitamin D, (like 59% of Americans; 95% of those with more melanin pigmentation) any sleep that you get may not be of the restorative kind; view http://www.vitamindwiki.com/Handout+...-+Gominak+2012 by neurologist Dr. S Gominak.

From it:

"Low D goofs up sleep. Most of the neurological problems my patients have are not directly related to D hormone, they are related to the fact that D hormone deficiency causes sleep disorders; insomnia, sleep apnea, REM related apnea, unexplained awakenings to light sleep, inappropriate body movements during sleep. All of these disorders keep us from healing our bodies during sleep".

"During sleep is also when we make the serotonin that we use during the day to keep us happy and curious, so low D hormone can cause depression and memory problems".

"Long term REM deprivation is probably the most common cause of depression, and the last 30 years has seen a dramatic increase in the incidence of depression, sleep disorders and vitamin D deficiency in all of the developed countries around the world." - read http://www.vitamindwiki.com/tiki-index.php?page_id=1586 for an explanation of why it is so.

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"Vitamin D3 Cured my Anxiety, Depression, and Panic Disorder", (by another forum member) is at http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...hlight=vitamin

VITAMIN D: My comprehensive post is at http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showth...476#post228476


Note that most doctors would regard lower levels of vitamin D as being acceptable than those recommended by Dr. John Cannell of the vitamin D council, or Professor Michael Holick, a former member, and an expert in vitamin D.

Read: "Why are doctors reluctant to accept vitamin D", at:
http://www.vitamindwiki.com/Why+are+...cept+vitamin+D and in particular:
"Would you be opposed to my getting more vitamin D", at:
http://www.vitamindwiki.com/tiki-index.php?page_id=3162

WORRYING

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/hea...5d6b4821a8fab3

DO YOU worry too much? Do you find yourself worrying excessively about your health, your finances, your job security, what people think of you, or if you will be able to get to sleep?
Worrying excessively can lead to a host of physical and mental problems such as hypochondria, muscle tension, chronic indigestion, poor sleep, irrational fears, panic, self-consciousness, stage fright, compulsive behaviours, and perfectionism.
You may think that worrying will help you avoid bad things from happening, lessen the impact of bad things, or help you come up with solutions. But worrying is actually the problem, not the solution.
The following strategies have been found to help worriers break the cycle and eliminate unhelpful thoughts.
1. SET ASIDE A WORRY PERIOD
Rather than be held hostage to disruptive worrying thoughts throughout the day give yourself permission to postpone worrying until later.
During the day (or night) jot down any worries or anxious thoughts that arise and then at a prearranged time, preferably when you’re in a good mood as this will promote realistic and creative problem-solving thinking, sit down for 15 minutes and address each worry.
By the time you return to thinking about the worry you’ll probably discover that it’s not such a problem after all.
Setting aside a worry period allows you to think things through clearly.
Setting aside a worry period allows you to think things through clearly.Source:istock
2. DETERMINE IF THE WORRY IS SOLVABLE

A solvable worry is one that you can take action on right away. For example, you may be worried about the content of a presentation you have to give next week to a manager. However, by phoning the manager you can take immediate action to clarify the details of the presentation.
An unsolvable worry is one over which you have no control and there is nothing you can do now that will lead to a solution. For example, thinking “What if I don’t get to sleep?” or “What if I get cancer?”
To help distinguish whether your worry is solvable or unsolvable ask the following questions:
• Is the problem my problem? If not, don’t worry about it.
• Do I have control over the problem? If not, don’t worry about it.
• Does the problem need solving now? If it does, take action to solve it. If not, don’t worry about it.
3. IF THE WORRY IS SOLVABLE, WORK ON A SOLUTION
Once you determine that a worry is solvable brainstorm as many possible solutions you can think of. Make sure you stay focused on the things you can change and not on circumstances or other people which you can’t change.
Aim at finding a realistic and achievable solution and avoid looking for a perfect solution. After you have evaluated all of your options choose the most reasonable one and then make a plan of action.
4. IF THE WORRY IS UNSOLVABLE, MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS
Sometimes you can’t solve a problem because either it’s not your problem (you are worried about your daughter’s failing marriage), it’s uncontrollable (you are worried whether it will rain during the picnic), or it can’t be resolved right away (you are worried about your factory closing in two years’ time).
When this happens focus on managing your own emotions using the following techniques:
• Mindfulness: Because worrying is usually focused on what might happen in the future mindfulness keeps your attention in the present and thus worry-free.
• Social support: Talking to friends about your worry can help as long as you don’t get stuck in shuffle mode where you replay over and over again your problem.
• Exercise: This is one of the best ways I know of for burning off pent-up anxious feelings and for gaining perspective about a worry.
• Relax: Because worriers tend to be in a constant state of tension, it is important that you regularly try to relax using music, meditation, time outdoors, or leisure activities.
5. EMBRACE UNCERTAINTY TO REDUCE WORRYING
Chronic worriers have trouble tolerating uncertainty or unpredictability. “What will I do if I don’t get the promotion?” or “What if my blind date doesn’t like me?” However, thinking about all the things that could go wrong in your life won’t keep bad things or unexpected events from occurring.
The solution is to accept that uncertainty is a part of life and then choose to focus on the parts that you can control and put all of your energies into making the most of them and appreciating them.
6. CHALLENGE WORRYING THOUGHTS
Chronic worriers tend to have two types of thoughts. First, they over-estimate the possibility that bad things will happen, and second, they underestimate their own ability at handling these things. These thoughts aren’t based on reality or fact and are totally irrational.
You can break these bad thinking habits and develop a more balanced and healthier perspective of your worries by asking the following questions:
• What is the evidence that the worrying thought is true?
• What is the probability that my worry will actually happen?
• When have I successfully handled problems like this before?
• Am I focusing on solutions to my worries?
• Is the way I am thinking helping me or making me feel better?
• What encouraging words would I say to a friend who had this worry?

"If you are not interested in this background info, skip the next paragraph to the list of symptoms below."
We care about you as a person, and see you as more than just a list of symptoms. Inwardly, you understand where your "symptoms" stem from, you've discovered their root. As you've stated, "I always knew that's not what it was [an eczema]...because it wasn't a skin problem, it was a behavior problem." You've also made many other correlations between behavior and mentality, and how each are directly/indirectly influenced by various situations, environments and people. Again you state, "...now that I am older I know that all that skin picking must have been related to anxiety, maybe even depression, as a child. I don't know what set it off during my childhood. Probably a combination of personality, upbringing, school environment etc. Fast forward many years ahead, and my anxiety/depression started getting worse..." I don't know what your beliefs are, but it comes down to understanding and having confidence in who you were created to be.

It's normal to be anxious about new experiences, or to be depressed about a tribulation. What isn't normal is continuing to choose the negative thoughts over the positive and dwelling in/on the pain/hurt/betrayal,etc. rather than confronting it and finding a new normal. For example, I always blamed my mom as the source of all my problems. I was extremely anxious, depressed, shy, timid and filled with fear and terrified by change/choices/new environments and people. I resented my mom because she pushed, pulled, forced and criticized me through these issues. She also had a "do as I say, not as I do" mentality and was a type A whereas I was a type B. As a result, prior behavioral issues were exasperated. Because the daily stress was unbearable, I turned to food for comfort, and nail biting and other habits as relief. The nail biting was so severe, I would bleed and my fingertips were so soar I would struggle to open a door for several days.

What I learned, as a now 28 year old female (who experienced every single one of your symptoms to the extreme), still living at home with my mom, is that I have to love her for who she is, not who I want her to be. Parents, relatives, friends, etc. don't always care or encourage us the way they should. In these situations, and in new environments, it's up to us to set the stage. Be an example of love, hope and forgiveness. The same goes for new people, environments, experiences, etc. You can't control them, but you can control how you react. Don't try to anticipate what is going to happen, control your thoughts, pull yourself back to balance. It's difficult, it takes time and discipline. But it is so worth it, because in the process you learn that you're normal and there comes a point where you experience peace. In regards to your symptoms, I encourage you to focus, having confidence in a single direction, control your mind by rejecting negativity and dwelling on compassionate thoughts, don't condemn yourself through comparison, and take action as opposed to dwelling on intention. At the end of the day, you can't give what you don't have, so when you don't have patience, and you're feeling easily irritable, and compassionate thoughts seem to be in short supply...learn how to take time for yourself, doing an activity you enjoy, or just resting. Sometimes we have to learn how to say no, when everyone seems to be knocking on our door, texting or calling us. At the same time, don't let yourself be isolated. As you learn how to find balance, your symptoms will come to heel because you will have mental control and confidence.

Thank you very much for your response. I like responses like yours, where I can relate to what a person has directly experienced. I too have blamed some things on my parents, but now I realized that was not right, and it was really due to my mental health and just feeling not happy with myself. One thing I have recently come to realize is that the negative feelings we project onto the world, for example in terms of us blaming others for our problems, is due to the fact that we are unhappy with ourselves and our lives, and that we are struggling with our mental health and want to make things better.

Like you, I have become more and more at peace with my parents, and accept the fact that this is my situation, I am not perfect and I do struggle with mental health, but I am slowly learning to overcome it. I completely agree that sometimes people have the best intentions, but don't really know how to help, so it is up to us to set the stage, and be an example of love, hope, and forgiveness, just like you said.

I think the things you mention, in terms of finding a balance between being good to yourself, but not isolating yourself, is something I still have to learn to find a healthy balance of. I have yet to become good at pushing away negative thoughts and not compare myself to others. But seeing messages like yours does help ease my mind that at least others go through it too and have overcome this to some extent.

Thank you :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stellaclark25

So, I am a 29-year old male. When I was a child, around the age of perhaps 11, I began to pick the skin on my hands (totally separate topic, you can google dermatillomania). At that time I didn't know what it was, despite my parent's aim to help me by taking me to doctors to treat what they called an eczema. I always knew that's not what it was, because it wasn't a skin problem, it was a behaviour problem. Looking back on it, now that I am older I know that all that skin picking must have been related to anxiety, maybe even depression, as a child. I don't know what set it off during my childhood. Probably a combination of personality, upbringing, school environment etc. Fast forward many years ahead, and my anxiety/depression started getting worse towards the end of high school. During my university years, I experienced the worst period of anxiety/depression, which lasted a good 7 years. I felt I didn't identify with society, was reclusive, had low self-esteem, low self-confidence. I tried to get help on two separate occasions. Once in a research program where a university group was testing a new anti-depressant on patients (totally voluntary), but as a patient you didn't know if you were to get the real thing, or a placebo pill. In the end I decided that wasn't for me, as I didn't want to be a guinea pig for their experiments, and deal with potential side effects. The second time was in a group counselling at the university. I went to the first meeting, and didn't go back, as it simply wasn't for me and I didn't fit in at all. Towards the end of university I met a woman who I entered a relationship with. This lasted until several months ago, which is when the relationship ended. Long story short it has been a depression experience. During my relationship with her, I thought that I had really put my anxiety/depression behind me for the most part, and felt quite happy. In hindsight, perhaps this wasn't always the case, and I think it still lingered around, consciously and subconsciously. That bring you up to speed to the current day, where I am trying to put anxiety/depression behind me, and just get on with life once and for all. Here are some symptoms I have experienced and experience on a regular basis, and which I wonder how many of you have gone though, and in what similar ways.

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Hello stella,

Welcome also. My, you have received a comprehensive answer from Nowuccas. I applaud him in his effort. I can add very little, but to encourage you that relapses often do occur after a period of stress. A relationship breakdown is considered highly stressful, so it is expected that you would return to your old ways of coping with stress. The very fact that you had relief during the relationship, however, indicates that it is possible for you to find healing with wholeness. It means that you may need to break down all your symptoms at a time and enable yourself to find a counsellor who has dealt with similar issues in the past. Also consider an OCD support group in your town, as support groups offer lots of help with support and education.

I recommend a helpline who might be able to refer you to appropriate counsellors if you are in the United States. Their number is 855-382-5433, and if you ring they may be able to find someone close to you.

i would also recommend an organization known as GROW. They are set up for people who struggle with depression, or any emotional/mental health issues. GROW is in the US, but also in other countries if you are not in the USA.

All the best and I wish you success with your multifaceted troubles.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stellaclark25

I have yet to become good at pushing away negative thoughts and not compare myself to others.

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StellaClark,
Thank YOU. It does my heart good to hear your response. Pushing away negative thoughts and not comparing yourself to others (as with all negative behaviors) takes time. I didn't change over night. Truth is, it took several years of deep depression to put my foot down. And I can't even take credit for the courage to have done that. Sometimes, we're in the hole so deep, we need someone to climb in with us, and show us the way out. There are so many people who hear encouragement and say, "That's nice." But they refuse to grasp the hand being extended to them. Unfortunately, we sometimes hold onto our hurt/pain/mental state/confusion/chaos,etc. because it becomes a comfort zone. A song I clung to in the past contained the lyrics, "I learned to love abuse." The fight is breaking down the boundaries fear created. Don't beat yourself up with the changes you still have to make. What sets you apart is your willingness. Hold onto that, don't let it go. Life is hard. But you will become hardy in handling whatever challenge comes your way. A fitting quote that recently caught my attention stated, "I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." Embrace the journey, joy is around the corner :)

Thank you all again. Thanks Nowuccas for the long response, I meant to say something earlier but I didn’t have a chance to really take it all in and absorb it properly, so I didn’t want to make a quick comment without really reading everything in depth. Thanks for all the resources you provided, on dermatillomania (which from I read it is now more accurately called excoriation), procrastination, worrying, and the other posts you made on different topics. I have heard a bit about vitamin D, but didn’t know there is a lot more associated with a lack of it. Recently I have started taking it, will see if there is any improvement. Thank you for all the resources, it is much appreciated!

Thanks for the helpline information as well, Hairy Harry. I have tried a support group before, but it didn’t feel like the right thing for me, and therefore I didn’t pursue it any further past the first day. I feel like for me at least, I do best dealing with things slowly on my own, using ideas such as these on the forum, from people I can relate to. I am still open to talking to a doctor, but if I can avoid meds and the associated side effects, I am glad to do so.

Thank you PracticalGrit617, I completely understand when you say that “it took several years of deep depression to put my foot down.” That is essentially how I feel now. It’s impossible to say how many years this has been going on for me, but as I know my skin picking started at an early age, I just assume that overall, whether it was anxiety at the time, or depression, or combination of both, it has been going on for a long time. After my relationship ended, I told myself that I will make the last year of the my 20s the year when I put depression behind me for good, or at least get there most of the way. If that's the best achievement of my 20s, I'll gladly take it. I have some good friends to talk to, though I haven’t told anyone about my mental state. That’s why it’s so nice to be able to express myself on the forum and get feedback from like-minded people.

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Originally Posted by PracticalGrit617

Don't beat yourself up with the changes you still have to make. What sets you apart is your willingness. Hold onto that, don't let it go. Life is hard. But you will become hardy in handling whatever challenge comes your way. A fitting quote that recently caught my attention stated, "I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." Embrace the journey, joy is around the corner :)

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I don’t want to make it too long. One other thing I like that you said is related to holding on to the “hurt/pain/mental state/confusion/chaos,etc.”. I am willing to change, but sometimes it feels like on the days when I am making progress, or when I think very positively and feel at ease with myself, it’s almost like I feel so guilty for not having had the smarts to do it earlier, to take the initiative to change earlier. It almost gets to the point that I become ashamed of mistakes I have made, and beat myself down and think “if it’s so easy on some days, why couldn’t I do it back then, how could I have been so stupid?” I still struggle to get past it, and it’s still a roller coaster. The guilt of stupid things I have said in the past is real, and I try to make myself put it at the back of my mind and deal with it.

Well, thank you all once again for your help, it's so nice to hear others' experiences.

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Originally Posted by stellaclark25

I feel so guilty for not [taking] the initiative to change earlier. It almost gets to the point that I become ashamed of mistakes I have made, and beat myself down and think “if it’s so easy on some days, why couldn’t I do it back then...” I still struggle to get past it, and it’s still a roller coaster. The guilt of...things I have said in the past is real, and I try to make myself put it at the back of my mind and deal with it.

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Brother, you are speaking my language! I just hashed out some dark stuff with the exact same mentality. Except, instead of putting it in the back of my mind, I had to confess it out loud, even recently telling my mom some of it. This was the type of stuff only she could understand, being that she knows my past. I wasn't sure what the outcome would be, but I knew, regardless of the consequences, it was something that she needed to know in order for me to deeply heal and put an end to the roller coaster. God's grace was all over it.

You are becoming more self aware, when in the past, you may have felt numb and possibly lived in denial. I know where you're at, because I was at that point, a year or so ago, where I sincerely regretted and felt remorse for awful things I said and did from over 15 years ago. I felt so ashamed. That shame came from understanding the reality of what I had done, the pain that I caused and the relationships I destroyed. At one point, I felt like God was drawing the filth out of my heart but I refused to let it go. I had lived under self-condemnation for years but it was only getting worse. I thought, with what I had done, I deserved hell. You know what I had to do? Forgive myself. It was the hardest thing for me to do, because I knew, in my heart, that I didn't deserve it. But God kept calling out to me, until finally, I stopped running. It's hard to let the past go. But you don't have to suffer anymore. You were forgiven, because someone already took that regret, pain, guilt, shame and self-condemnation upon Himself. That's how loved you are! Now it's time to forgive yourself. It sounds like your heart is being changed. That, right there, is the journey you need to embrace.

I too have had to confess some things with my family. My mother was even surprised I still worry about so many things from the past. I too dwell on things that happened many many years ago. To most people it seems crazy, they can't comprehend it. But to me it almost feels like if I don't dwell and worry, that I am being ignorant and that I don't care. And I am the furthest thing from that, I care more about others than I care about myself. I still live under self-condemnation, and like you said I feel like I deserve punishment for my words and actions, even though at those times when they happened they really were not intended in a bad way at all. The way I punish myself has honestly caused me missed opportunities in life, a now missed relationship, missed times with family and friends, etc etc. Overall we are all changing for the better, it's just very difficult for people like us with anxiety and/or depression to be good to and forgive ourselves.

Just now I was having another one of those episodes of extreme worry and guilt, and it popped out of nowhere. I was doing some thinking and somehow I reached a memory from 4-5 years ago when an acquaintance asked me and others if we wanted tickets to a football game. I said yes. The day of the game the weather was super cold and I think even snowy, and I was not in the mood to go. I told him I’d pay him anyways of course, but he was so mad that I cancelled last minute just because of the weather. One friend still went to the game. When they were there I think I texted the friend to ask something along the lines of “are you guys cold yet” or something like that. I guess that was a bit of a jerk moment, and I regret it. When I thought of it just now it was causing a weird sensation throughout my body, especially in my knees, almost like a burning sensation. Anxiety/depression isn’t fun. I felt like I wanted to share this and get it off my chest.

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Originally Posted by stellaclark25

Just now I was having another one of those episodes of extreme worry and guilt, and it popped out of nowhere. I was doing some thinking and somehow I reached a memory from 4-5 years ago when an acquaintance asked me and others if we wanted tickets to a football game. I said yes. The day of the game the weather was super cold and I think even snowy, and I was not in the mood to go. I told him I’d pay him anyways of course, but he was so mad that I cancelled last minute just because of the weather. One friend still went to the game. When they were there I think I texted the friend to ask something along the lines of “are you guys cold yet” or something like that. I guess that was a bit of a jerk moment, and I regret it. When I thought of it just now it was causing a weird sensation throughout my body, especially in my knees, almost like a burning sensation. Anxiety/depression isn’t fun. I felt like I wanted to share this and get it off my chest.

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It's great that you chose to share this with us. I've cancelled with friends many times, and you know what? They've cancelled with me. Sometimes we have to learn how to be flexible. Sometimes we aren't in the mood to do things, and it's best to ask why? There are many times I've wanted to bail on plans with friends, got talked into going anyway, and had a great time. At those moments, I realize I just didn't want to go through the process of getting ready. As a female, that process can be rather extensive and filled with negative self thoughts. That's not good, obviously. But if you really just didn't want to be out in the cold, and you weren't comfortable driving in snowy conditions...offered to pay for the ticket (taking responsibility)...then there is no real reason for a true friend to be angry. Sometimes friends get irked, but that could just be because they wanted to spend time with you. How is your friendship now?

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Originally Posted by stellaclark25

Overall we are all changing for the better, it's just very difficult for people like us with anxiety and/or depression to be good to and forgive ourselves.

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It takes persistence and practice to be aware of our state of mind. Sometimes we get stuck on a train of though, like a flashback, without even realizing it, until we snap out of it. At that point, it takes confidence (and persistence) to reject the negative thoughts and feelings that result. Sometimes we have to reflect on what the root of the thought is. And don't forget, you're human. Sometimes we make mistakes. When a negative memory comes up, it may help to ask if the situation is peacefully resolved, or if there needs to be restoration and healing. Have you considered speaking with a counselor?