I can't breathe or relax...
I don't usually do this, talk about my problems. Because I had such a bad experience from searching for help. I mostly focus on helping myself based on observation. Maybe grasping at straws here.
When this hits me, it I can't breathe or relax. I get problems in my stomach, it feels like there is a rock inside, and even massage doesn't work, I try to breathe from bottom of my stomach, pushing the breath downwards, that seems like the only thing that works. But it gets really bad when I am really freaking out, and muscles all over my body really tense up, and I can't move in the worst case, other times it is just my hands and my stomach muscles tighten and finally relax after a while. I don't know what this is, but I have a real issue with my muscles tensing up. I thought I had control over this, but now I am not so sure anymore, and very scared to relive this again. Last time this happened very bad, I was in the bathroom, and thought I was gonna die. So hard to take a shower. Or take a bus. I don't really trust doctors or therapists. Since it is a social anxiety more than any other phobias I have, I can't really calm myself in front of someone, especially when I am trying to talk about something I have no control over.
I have allergies and allergic asthma. But when I can't breathe, it is usually coming from my stomach, not my chest, not my lungs. And I have an issue about being honest about what's troubling me all the time. I mostly shut down or start giggling ridiculously. I hate that. My parents, they are really difficult people, they are the basis to most of my problems. That's why I try to solve their problems because mine are connected to them. And I see what's wrong immediately. But these days, I am facing really deeper fears, and I am so scared. And it's taking all my self-control right now to keep writing, instead of deleting this.
This problem has taken so much from me. I had to drop out of college, I can't work. All I can do is try to learn stuff online, and do physical exercise or easy art, which helps so much. And I observe. I try to understand more into behaviour or emotions. And I get myself out of problematic situations, these are mostly inactive, since I avoid straight arguments. And it is worse, when I avoid conflict, problems turn into real issues.
But I don't feel safe in my own house, in my own room, or in my head! I hate spiders, I hate cobwebs, I hate dirt or rot, I hate water, they only remind me more of being helpless, and not being able to take action. I freak out, and can't breathe or I get a severe muscle spasm. Not just these. I am afraid to go outside, I am afraid to open a window. I am afraid to see my friends. I am afraid to do anything. Because I always have this in my mind: I don't belong anywhere, no one ever let me live my own life, they only made me watch them have fun or live their lives. My God, I am so angry, my hands are shaking.
I used to do everything enough to go on. I would go outside, I would clean and tidy my room, I would eat and study and have fun with people. I would be around people. It would be nice to go to school. But more and more I have realized with each blow to my character, people didn't really appreciate me, I didn't really appreciate myself. And my life wasn't really as good as I hoped. And all this started when I moved to somewhere else away from my home and friends almost 16 years ago, and had my first attack in a bus, felt really powerless and drowning. Because I started realizing my friends didn't love me, my parents were really keeping me weak and powerless. It was such a traumatic experience. And nothing ever worked after that. I thought they did.
But worst blow was when I had real problems with my closest relatives and my boyfriend. They all betrayed me. Not really want to talk about that. And they forced me to see real character flaws, and I couldn't handle them, I dropped out of college, this is the real punch to my stomach: it was a time I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't move, I couldn't talk or think. I was conscious, awake, but couldn't function. Later I have realized this was my brain's way of protecting itself from further pain and stress by shutting my mind and my body till I overcome the stressful situation in my subconscious. Because the more I figured things out, the more I gained control over my mind and body.
When there is something I don't want to see, or having trouble admitting to myself, everything becomes noisy or blurry. Or my muscles tense up, or they just don't work. It's really weird. Right now, as I wrote, I can't deal with this thought of everybody living their lives and pushing me aside, making me watch instead of involving me, making me believe I am useless, I am not useless! Not that it matters. They made me feel helpless... It is a character flaw. A pattern I don't know how to break. All my life, such a waste! I don't know what this is...
Wow, it's been a long text. I guess I needed to share it...
