Anxiety, Paranoia and Fear - I am suffering, I want to break free!

Hi!

I really don't know how to begin: I am suffering! Right now, and in every minute.

My problem is: I have anxiety, paranoia and in general fear.

1 (and the most important point) Anxiety) I am afraid, that I might be wrong. When I have a problem, or when I think about something, I am afraid, that my thoughts/etc. could be wrong. When I find a solution, I am extremely satisfied. But then I think "But it could be wrong as well, because of this and this" and it starts from the beginning. The problems I have are thinking problems. When I hear about Communism for example, I think why could this be wrong. And then, after I've found a solution, then another thought pops up in my head saying "But what's when..." and it lasts for about 5 hours (the longest period was two days!). I do not even know why I am thinking about Communism (just one of a few examples) and why I continue to think. Maybe because of perfectionism. Maybe I want to be "perfect" and to "know everything and to be right in every matter". Yes, I use logic thoughts. I mean: When I think about Communism e.g., I try to think extremely logically. I try to avoid fallacies. Indeed, when I talk about it with my friends, my friends do not know how to argue with me, because they don't know any opposite argument. They say, that I had to be a politician or something like this. But this is the deep reality of such a person: Your thoughts are not leaving your head. You wake up, and you start to thing about such situations. You sleep, so you dream about it. Everyday I have an enormous headache because of this. And my problem is: I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to think normally, literally. When I talk about it to my parents (about my thoughts), they're just like: "Why you are thinking about those pointless situations" (My thoughts are going deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and at one point, they're deep enough to not be understood by 99% of the people). One example is: "What if you imagine that the 'dictatorship of the proletariat' is originally meant as a metaphor and it only means that you have to make taxes higher up to 50 per cent?". I know, it's a kinda strange example, but these thoughts are like this. And when I found a very strong contra-argument, I start to worry extremely, I become angry, afraid of the whole situation, it's just like a whole world is going down. Not a good feeling. And it only ends when I have found a solution. Because I think, I can never be happy. I can never enjoy a movie because I've not thought a thing to the end. This thing ruins my life. I cannot enjoy anything just because I cannot rest from my thoughts, they're hunting me and when they find me, I have to thing about this topic. And even when I've found a solution, I think about it over and over again, just "to feel that I'm right". Really, I want to be normal again. It is one of the worst "diseases" you can have, I wish it to no one! I've also made a personality test (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) online. The result: INTJ. T (for thinking): 100% It sounds cool but it really isn't.

2 Paranoia) I also use to be paranoid. For example: The windows are open and I eat pastries filled with chocolate. Then, the chocolate fells on my t-shirt. And I do really have the paranoia, that someone could make a photo of me and then calling me the "choco-guy". Or when I want to sit in public, I always look up (around 4 times) if my seat is clean or not, just because I do not want my pants to be filthy. I generally do not trust someone. I can hardly trust my own parents! Or this: When I make something, I always fear that something bad could happen, even though it's extremely unlikely. One example: I speak with a friend about baseball, and a person hears this. And it is a trigger for him/her and (s)he makes suicide. I do really have such thoughts!

3 Fear) I fear a lot of things: dogs (so I cannot even go in the streets without having fear), approaching girls, being extroverted (see the personality test, "I" stands for Introverted, I had 60%). I cannot approach girls for one reason: In the first class, I told a girl that I'd loved her. And she kicked me in my balls. Since this moment, I fear this. I know, I won't be kicked in my balls, but it's just impossible for me. Some months ago, there was a girl that I liked. She knew that I was in love with her. She also gave hints to approach her (my late interpretation). But I was so afraid, I just couldn't. And now: She's gone, she's not in my school anymore. Or being extroverted: I am known as the person who's quiet and says something intelligent when there's trouble, like an old wise man. But I do not want to live a life where I am in the background. I also don't go outside. Not only because of my dog phobia, but also because I fear that someone can beat me up just because I've looked in his eyes. But I want to go out, to ride a bike, not to fear anything. I also fear, that when I eat or drink something outside, there will come a bee or a wasp and I'll swallow it. So, I hardly can drink or eat anything when I'm outside.

Man, I'm 17, male, and I want to live my life! I want to experience these things a normal teenager use to experience. I was never on a party, I was never kissed, I do not even use to go out! It really sucks :(

But the thing that sucks the most is my anxiety to though-problems. It is such a b****, you cannot imagine. You are literally a slave of your thoughts.

Please help me! I want to live normally! I want to be a normal guy! I nearly have to cry as I'm writing this. What could help? And: What is it?

(Sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker)

you are your own normal. however I know that feeling and it feels like insanity

Hi Pluto, Welcome to the forum. Have you ever had any talks with your doctor or someone you trust? Do not let this ruin this part of your life, it's not worth it. Take a look around the forum and hopefully others will be by to give some other advice.
P.S. don't worry about getting kicked in the balls, pain will go away after appropriate amount of rolling around on the ground and lots of cussing. :)

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I know that feeling and it feels like insanity

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Good that you can understand me.

But I think that my normal version is hidden because of this anxiety/paranoia/...

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Have you ever had any talks with your doctor or someone you trust?

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My parents only think that I have to distract myself. I didn't talk to a doctor, but I really think to talk with one. I'm here to know if there are people with similar problems and I want to know what it is and what they do against it.

Hi Pluto,
From all that I have read about anxiety and how it works, it seems like the physical symptoms of anxiety (low levels of chemicals in your brain caused by genetics, trauma, etc.) your racing thoughts can actually be produced by the physical problem. I know it sounds weird, like the brain should be able to control the body, but actually it can happen the other way around. the only way I have found to combat this is by distraction and challenging my thinking - repetitive telling myself that thinking about these things gets me nowhere - accomplishes nothing. I decide a few things I want to accomplish for the day and I work at that, no matter how I feel. That usually helps take my mind off of these thoughts. Also exercise helps raise the chemicals, medicine raises the chemicals, therapy...basically any treatment for anxiety. Treating that will help the thoughts.

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From all that I have read about anxiety and how it works, it seems like the physical symptoms of anxiety (low levels of chemicals in your brain caused by genetics, trauma, etc.) your racing thoughts can actually be produced by the physical problem.

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2 questions:

1) So I actually can have physical anxiety symptoms without having this kind of anxiety people use to struggle with? Because my theory was that my anxiety is to be wrong/... and because of this I have this symptoms.
2) What are the specific chemicals/hormones that cause the physical symptoms of anxiety.

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I decide a few things I want to accomplish for the day and I work at that, no matter how I feel.

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I tried it, but with no results: Every time I want to begin making something productive, I start thinking. And then, I just lay on my bed (or go up and down) and think for the next 3-5 hours. And I cannot stop because "I'm too deep in this crap". My problem is that I cannot accept the fact that I actually don't know a solution/something for a topic. And it makes me feel helpless, like the world end is just coming up. Like if a world is just broken down like glass. It's difficult to describe, I tried once to stop thinking about this. There was a moment where I said to myself: "Just stop thinking, f**k it". Eight hours later, I couldn't fall asleep because I had this thoughts in my head. Through the whole eight hours, the thoughts didn't go. The thoughts were more quiet, but this didn't help. The thoughts are only gone when I've solved the problem. Another time, I'd found another problem right before going to bed. I could only sleep for 5 hours and this was the worst sleep you can imagine. In the next morning, I found the solution at last.

I also have problems with studying and writing exams, just due to my thinking-problem. I lack in concentration so bad that I literally write crap on my paper (every time I get the test I just ask myself: "WTF I've written!?").

I also have the feeling that I need to write when this thing has started:

It was 1,5 years before, I guess. Before, I was fine. I had my dog-phobia (I have it as far as I remember), but I wasn't interested in thinking/problems/... I was just a normal guy who wanted to have fun. Then, I felt in love with a girl. The problems: She was two years younger than me (it is not so bad, I know, but come on: a 15 year old guy and a 13 year old girlfriend?) and she was the sister of a good friend of mine (so I didn't even tell anyone that I'd been in love with her, because I didn't want to ruin my friendship with him). So, I gave her up. De jure. De facto: not. I was so extremely in love, every time, I saw her, I felt to the ground, because my knees were just like pudding. I started to search on the internet if someone asked a question with the words "love" and "boy". The 16 hours I was awake, I probably spent 3 of them just searching after "her question". I wasn't in love anymore, I was limerent. Then, on February 24th 2014, I saw her with her boyfriend cuddling. Since then, I was destroyed. This crap f**ked myself. I was depressed, really depressed. I really had to take medicine (my parents do not know about this story, I started to take it as I developed sleep problems). After that, I've felt normal. But during this dark period, I've developed unusual thinking-habits. I started to interest myself in politics/economics/philosophy/..., the themes, I use to think about it a lot. Then, some months ago, I had a kinda traumatic experience: I wanted to inform myself about anarchism, and then, I've found arguments for anarchy which I couldn't answer. It hit me so hard that I didn't know what to do (like a shock). I could find a solution to it, but it was so shocking for me that I've developed the main problems since then. 1,5 years ago, I wouldn't react in this way. I think, that the first dilemma was for being emotionally unstabile and the second one to be mentally unstabile. Now I am here, I probably know more about those themes I've mentioned as my classmates, and I hate it.

I want to go to the forest and to look at trees without questioning the evolution. You understand? Everything is a trigger for me. I want "to live", not "to think". Because when you live, you are present. And when you think, you are in your mind. Two worlds. Brah. But, for example, when I go through the forest and I see some trees, and when I actually start to question evolution (just an example), the first thoughts hit me like Mike Tyson Alan in "The Hangover". They're literally knockouting me. Like: "Oh no you have to think no time for life". And then they're saying: "We only let you out when you've found a solution". Of course, I do not hear voices in my mind, I mean it kinda metaphoric. And the craziest thing is: I let them in and I listen to them. I don't know, why it hits me so hard. I really think because of the two dilemmas. I hope, you can understand me better now.

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Also exercise helps raise the chemicals, medicine raises the chemicals, therapy...basically any treatment for anxiety. Treating that will help the thoughts.

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Exercise is a good idea, but I don't want to take medicine or go to therapy (right now). What are the other treatments for anxiety? Have you a website for it?

Hi Pluto
How long the symptoms already continue?

I am on the same boat as you, I have been battling anxiety and panic attacks since I was about 14, so almost 10 years! Sometimes I think it would be best to just give up and die but I know its not the correct answer. It has been almost a month since my last panic attack and I used to have them almost every day!

There are a few exercises you can use to help control the panic and anxiety, they have helped out tremendously for me. They do not cure you by any means but it does help.

Take a look at anxiousreview . com

its a good read :) hope I was helpful and remember that you are not alone.

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Hi Pluto
How long the symptoms already continue?

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As I've written, I use to think on specific topics (these ones in which no one has interest at my age) since 1 year. The anxious-thinking: Since 4 months. I have to say that it's like an up and down: One day, you feel better, you can handle these thoughts and feelings better, but on another day, you are literally a slave of your mind.

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I am on the same boat as you, I have been battling anxiety and panic attacks since I was about 14, so almost 10 years! Sometimes I think it would be best to just give up and die but I know its not the correct answer. It has been almost a month since my last panic attack and I used to have them almost every day!

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I know panic attacks well, but I have to underline, that I do not have this kind of anxiety you think I have: It's like worrying too much about a topic, but you cannot see that it's (the worries) pointless because you want to find this solution for a topic. And when you do not find a solution for it, you feel like sh**. Like your inner balance is gone. Example: I see a tree and ask myself: "What if evolution is wrong?". Then I develop theories about creationism. Then I ask myself: "But what about theological evolution?". Then I think further. And then, at a certain point, I get a thought that seems kinda insolvable. "What when Darwin has actually written some information about theological evolution? What when he's hidden a necessary god in his theory?". And then, I do some research, but usually, I never find anything. Then, I think about it, how it exactly was. It's like solving a sudoku with 17 filled boxes (as far as I know it's the necessary number to solve a sudoku-puzzle). You have very little information and you try to figure the history out just with this information. And that's the point where it starts (sometimes my first thought is this insolvable question/theory): You're not in peace till you've solved. You know that feeling, when you play a video game and you cannot win. Imagine, what if you stop playing this video game without wining this level? Shitty feeling, right? And imagine it 100 times stronger. You're not even close to this I must feel. I really hope you understood me now. (And yes, I do think about evolution (because I'm interested in theology and it's a contrast to it), as I've stated, I think about philosophy, theology, politics and economics). Maybe it's not anxiety, but it feels like this.

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There are a few exercises you can use to help control the panic and anxiety, they have helped out tremendously for me. They do not cure you by any means but it does help.

Take a look at anxiousreview . com

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Thanks!

And before those symptoms have appeared . do you rembember yourself as a nervous person (maybe you had something like any kind of thoughts that was "hide" and you were trying to push that on the side) or clamer ?

I was calmer, like Bob Marley :D Really, I was always chilled and relaxed, god I enjoyed life!

I am so confused now that I heard screams as I felt asleep yesterday night! You cannot image the screams, those weren't normal screams, it was like you see the end and you cannot go further anymore. I think, that was a sign from my subconscious mind that it's suffering.

Please I do really need some help and some advices! :(

As you say , that you heard the same screams , did you hear any thing else besides the screams that night ?
when you was there yesterday near the bed and the you had started hear voices , did you try to stop hear them?and if you have tried it worked?
I can tell you by own opinion that you alright ! :) the main problam is an Anixety , and it seemes that your anxiety comes in a several forms .
and its happen in high levels of fear ( one day the same Anxiety becomes to the Paranoia you have described eraly , and in the rest time becomes to Anxiety Disorder )
and with all those headaches you are "fall between the cheirs " .
to your suffering has a solution :)
for reduce the anxiety , I recommend first to wait to the medication will be a helpful effect and then to continue with treatment of CBT with you physican or psychologist
meanwhile try to be calm as in the past .
Good luck :))

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As you say , that you heard the same screams , did you hear any thing else besides the screams that night ?
when you was there yesterday near the bed and the you had started hear voices , did you try to stop hear them?and if you have tried it worked?

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No just screams.

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I can tell you by own opinion that you alright ! the main problam is an Anixety , and it seemes that your anxiety comes in a several forms .
and its happen in high levels of fear ( one day the same Anxiety becomes to the Paranoia you have described eraly , and in the rest time becomes to Anxiety Disorder )
and with all those headaches you are "fall between the cheirs " .
to your suffering has a solution

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I want you to read entry #10, just to make sure if you do really understood me. I don't mean it bad, but maybe you link it to the two other things I've written here (paranoia and my general phobias): Do not link them together! They are separate problems! And this thinking-problem makes 75 % of my problems. So it's a priority to treat this problem firstly.

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for reduce the anxiety , I recommend first to wait to the medication will be a helpful effect and then to continue with treatment of CBT with you physican or psychologist
meanwhile try to be calm as in the past .
Good luck )

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What kind of medication? Those which make me calmer? Or those which make me happier?

Are there some kind of treatments without visiting a psychologist or taking medicine?

After I have read the same reaction ( #10)
I think that treatment at a psychologist by conversations (without medication) will be great for you .
and by the way , if you decied to start a medical treatment, there's a option to get a medication only if there is a need ( light mediations to treatment in anxiety or depression, but not a psychiatric medications) at the general phsycian (family doctor).
and once again I realy dont think you a paranoia ,but there is something who mentions an anixety behaviour just remember paranoia is kind of psyhosis disorder
and you definitaly not stay there .
however for reduce the exists pressure It will be worth to try strat a treatment of conversations at psychologist

After I have read I think and feel that For defeat those disorders in this case It will be worth try a treatment of conversations at a psychologist
just try it , you will not lose nothing .
good luck Pluto :)