Will this last forever? ( unreal )

Long story short when i was 16 i smoked weed... and the effect i had stuck with me almost like being high NON stop... so i continued to smoke to give myself a reason to feel unreal like life is fake and i aint in my body 100% and it was scary as hell... then i got help and was put on Citalopram... Was supposed to take it everyday in the morning. i did and was doing fine... i am now 23.. lately the past year and a half i been drinking beer and smoking weed more often... this past year my schedual is this.... Wake up 11pm... smoke weed then SOMETIMESS take my pill depending on how i am feeling( not suppossed to do that) Then around 7pm i drink a 12 of beer... eat Dinner... sometimes puke then pass out until the next day and that repeats... Also i must add.. During the days i don't eat.. i had in my mind it would ruin my alcohol effect... So yesterday i wake up... smoke and was sitting on my computer... all of a sudden i get a massive migraine.. that gives me Aura Migraine.. and makes me think i am slipping farther out of reality ( forgot to mention a year or 2 ago.. i got so scared for 2 days i couldn't understand or comprehend anyone or anything.. it was only sounds and fear i felt..) So yesterday after that migraine started to happen i got scared thinking that i was about to have that episode i hadn't had in a long time!! making my heart rate go nuts. and i started to panic.. and now i feel more.. loss of control.. or like.. im not me 100% i iknow im me.. but i haven't feel this Anxeity fear in a long time w.e it is.. ill be fine.. a few seconds later ill start to think what if this never goes back...( let me say... Since i was 16 and haven't felt 100% REAL i learned to kinda cope with it.. and i was okay on a specific level of unrealism ) But since this its like a level above that.. its almost like the more i feel scared.. the more my chest fills with something.. and it drags my vision away from +seeing things as real.. Like as i sit at my computer here.. i am content focusing on this writing... once i post this i know i will start to think about things and start to feel REALLY REALLY scared. MY lifestyle is horrible i must add onto of the drinking and Not taking my meds correctly.. i am 400lbs 6''8 and 23 years old. i have always been an introvert also my Citalopram... I was supposed to be finished in a amonth.. but it took me 4 months to finish a months worth cause i kept saying w.e ill drink instead to late to take my pill now.. and here i am... i don't even feel like i should be alive.. like.. im scared to be alone and im really scared of my own thoughts. I would go to the hospital but the wait time is like 6 hours which itself will cause anxeity and massive issues... i just don't know what to do i feel like crying non stop, but i know its not helping.. i don[t enjoy anything. im scared..

It's all the anxiety, you really need to cut down on the drinking and smoking weed. I don't drink but I do smoke, and I know I shouldn't. But I do like you said I smoke just for the excuse of feeling unreal, I tell myself it's the weed making me feel like this. But my anxiety started from smoking a lot of weed. I'm trying to cut down on the weed, so I only smoke it at night. I know that anxiety is very overwhelming at times but it does pass.

Thank you for the reply. I don't want to go into the Hospital because the wait times are at least 6 hours.... and that alone causes Fear ect.... i haven't eaten last night or today... i am to scared to.. i feel it will trigger something and cause me to feel complete loss.... even being on the computer is scaring me. my own mind... my thoughts.. :(

At your age I was almost exactly where you are now (without the weed, I gave it up the moment I discovered I was pregnant in my teens). I was 4'11", rocking a solid 350lbs, I took zoloft maybe every three days, drank like a fish and seldom ate. In my mind I was trying to make the hurt stop with my habits.
When I drank I believed the yelling and screaming I endured was manageable, the panic muted. I was resigned to assuming this was all my life would ever be, a cycle of drinking, spousal abuse, panic attacks and staying indoors weeks at a time.
I wish I could tell you I remember those few years I spent floating in the haze and panicked disconnection but honestly aside from a few flashes I remember very little. Time I will never get back.
As the years passed I watched myself fall into self destruction; I watched my husband fall into self destruction, and did nothing. Things changed for me when I was taken by police to stay at a battered women's shelter. I didn't stay but a couple weeks before returning back to my old life but my outlook was changed.
I had spent those two weeks without the Mist (rotgut whiskey), and drying out was tough. I shook and sweated, my heart thudded and I was certain my anxiety and newfound sobriety was going to drive me insane. Nonetheless I returned home, dumped the bottle in the toilet, and started making strides to fixing the things I could control and letting go of the things I couldn't.
Many things happened after that. I started to feel a bit better, less anxious. I lost 120 lbs, I stayed completely away from drinking. Life, or at least the parts I could control were getting better. My husband, however, continued his descent into self destruction. He finally lost his battle in the spring of 2012.
You are precious because you are you. Each day you wake up on the right side of the dirt is a good day. There is no drink or even any medication that can do so much for you, for your fear and sadness, as you can do for yourself.

It starts with loving yourself. Don't feel guilt or shame because you struggle with your anxiety, alcohol, your weight. You are doing what seems to work best for immediate relief. Now is the time to start looking into the future, what is going to make all the craziness your lying brain has concocted to slowly fade away. It doesn't get better quickly but know that how you are feeling right at this moment isn't the way you will always feel. The emotional state is fickle and no feeling is near as permanent as you imagine it to be.
I love me, all 215 lbs of neurotic, heart stent filled mess and all. You should too because even though I don't know you you are awesome, yes all of you, your talents your imperfections, your insecurities...
This is just step one. This is what will give you the will to make the deviation away from self medication. It just takes a single step in the right direction to create an avalanche of healing.

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Originally Posted by Helplessand23

Thank you for the reply. I don't want to go into the Hospital because the wait times are at least 6 hours.... and that alone causes Fear ect.... i haven't eaten last night or today... i am to scared to.. i feel it will trigger something and cause me to feel complete loss.... even being on the computer is scaring me. my own mind... my thoughts.. :(

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Your anxiety is not going to get better with alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant. Substances are not the way to kick anxiety. TRUST ME. I had panic attacks so bad that the only way to feel normal was to come home and slug down a bottle of wine. That was only a temporary fix. And a hangover the next morning CAUSES anxiety (can cause).

Anxiety is in your mind. Your mind is so powerful that it creates physical symptoms. You need to understand that panic attacks cannot kill you. It's a hard thing to understand when you're actually having an anxiety attack...but it's important you know this.

When one has a panic attack, they think they might be dying, that life is over, that they are having a heart attack, or have a tumor. NO. That is your MIND trying to convince you that. You need to overcome those thoughts. Guess what. You've had X amount of panic attacks. How many of them killed you? ZERO. You have made it through 100% of your panic attacks. You are UNDEFEATED against your panic attacks! They won't kill you. You need to believe in yourself. You need to know that you are just fine. One thing that helped me was to think about everything I do have, and what I can appreciate. This was CRUCIAL.

You will make it through your anxiety. When you have a panic attack, ask yourself this: "Have I died from a panic attack? NO! I have not!". That right there is called 'mental toughness'. We all have it in is, we just need to train our minds to achieve it.

You can do it. I believe in you.

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Originally Posted by av1988

Your anxiety is not going to get better with alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant. Substances are not the way to kick anxiety. TRUST ME. I had panic attacks so bad that the only way to feel normal was to come home and slug down a bottle of wine. That was only a temporary fix. And a hangover the next morning CAUSES anxiety (can cause).

Anxiety is in your mind. Your mind is so powerful that it creates physical symptoms. You need to understand that panic attacks cannot kill you. It's a hard thing to understand when you're actually having an anxiety attack...but it's important you know this.

When one has a panic attack, they think they might be dying, that life is over, that they are having a heart attack, or have a tumor. NO. That is your MIND trying to convince you that. You need to overcome those thoughts. Guess what. You've had X amount of panic attacks. How many of them killed you? ZERO. You have made it through 100% of your panic attacks. You are UNDEFEATED against your panic attacks! They won't kill you. You need to believe in yourself. You need to know that you are just fine. One thing that helped me was to think about everything I do have, and what I can appreciate. This was CRUCIAL.

You will make it through your anxiety. When you have a panic attack, ask yourself this: "Have I died from a panic attack? NO! I have not!". That right there is called 'mental toughness'. We all have it in is, we just need to train our minds to achieve it.

You can do it. I believe in you.

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The panic i tell myself wont kill me.. i know it wont... what i fear most is one so bad that it triggers this mental state i went into before... i couldnt comprehend anyting or anyone.... everything looked strange. it was normal.... but not quite right... i just got scared eating a piece of pizza.. thats never happened to me before... im 400 lbs..... =/

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Originally Posted by Helplessand23

The panic i tell myself wont kill me.. i know it wont... what i fear most is one so bad that it triggers this mental state i went into before... i couldnt comprehend anyting or anyone.... everything looked strange. it was normal.... but not quite right... i just got scared eating a piece of pizza.. thats never happened to me before... im 400 lbs..... =/

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I think it would benefit you to have more regular counseling. Money won't be a problem if you live in the states. All states offer free counseling of some sort. There are plenty of trained counselors that cannot prescribe anything, but they are trained to talk to you. They are extremely effective. Have you considered this?

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Originally Posted by av1988

I think it would benefit you to have more regular counseling. Money won't be a problem if you live in the states. All states offer free counseling of some sort. There are plenty of trained counselors that cannot prescribe anything, but they are trained to talk to you. They are extremely effective. Have you considered this?

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i seen a Couselor he helped with some of my issues that would cause panic and told me how to slow my heart rate down with breathing... but at this state... its beyond words i think. I got a grandma here who is in healthcare and she tried to tell me to relax ect.. i can go see a dr tomorrow again. but the words alone arent enough.. '' calm down ect its gonna be fine '' I think that for a moment then jump right back to.. anxeity.. its like being punched in the chest with a ball of warm air or something idk.. then you get super scared.. and ontop of that.. its making me feel in and out of realism. ill start to calm down.. come back down rationalize.. then BAM no idea whats going on and everything around me is strange looking.

Physical activity is a HUGE help for anxiety. Getting your heart racing, sweating, it releases "feel good" chemicals into your body. Your doctor will tell you this. I recommend it. Motivation can be the biggest hurtle to jump.

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Originally Posted by Helplessand23

Long story short when i was 16 i smoked weed... and the effect i had stuck with me almost like being high NON stop... so i continued to smoke to give myself a reason to feel unreal like life is fake and i aint in my body 100% and it was scary as hell... then i got help and was put on Citalopram... Was supposed to take it everyday in the morning. i did and was doing fine... i am now 23.. lately the past year and a half i been drinking beer and smoking weed more often... this past year my schedual is this.... Wake up 11pm... smoke weed then SOMETIMESS take my pill depending on how i am feeling( not suppossed to do that) Then around 7pm i drink a 12 of beer... eat Dinner... sometimes puke then pass out until the next day and that repeats... Also i must add.. During the days i don't eat.. i had in my mind it would ruin my alcohol effect... So yesterday i wake up... smoke and was sitting on my computer... all of a sudden i get a massive migraine.. that gives me Aura Migraine.. and makes me think i am slipping farther out of reality ( forgot to mention a year or 2 ago.. i got so scared for 2 days i couldn't understand or comprehend anyone or anything.. it was only sounds and fear i felt..) So yesterday after that migraine started to happen i got scared thinking that i was about to have that episode i hadn't had in a long time!! making my heart rate go nuts. and i started to panic.. and now i feel more.. loss of control.. or like.. im not me 100% i iknow im me.. but i haven't feel this Anxeity fear in a long time w.e it is.. ill be fine.. a few seconds later ill start to think what if this never goes back...( let me say... Since i was 16 and haven't felt 100% REAL i learned to kinda cope with it.. and i was okay on a specific level of unrealism ) But since this its like a level above that.. its almost like the more i feel scared.. the more my chest fills with something.. and it drags my vision away from +seeing things as real.. Like as i sit at my computer here.. i am content focusing on this writing... once i post this i know i will start to think about things and start to feel REALLY REALLY scared. MY lifestyle is horrible i must add onto of the drinking and Not taking my meds correctly.. i am 400lbs 6''8 and 23 years old. i have always been an introvert also my Citalopram... I was supposed to be finished in a amonth.. but it took me 4 months to finish a months worth cause i kept saying w.e ill drink instead to late to take my pill now.. and here i am... i don't even feel like i should be alive.. like.. im scared to be alone and im really scared of my own thoughts. I would go to the hospital but the wait time is like 6 hours which itself will cause anxeity and massive issues... i just don't know what to do i feel like crying non stop, but i know its not helping.. i don[t enjoy anything. im scared..

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6'8" and 400lbs? Are you actually a bear? ;)

Well I know this lifestyle, although I've always hated weed because it doesn't relax me one bit, just makes my anxiety ten times worse.

Edit: Just thinking about weed and anxiety.. I think there's a huge misnomer out there that because it's a plant it's safe. I agree it's safer than alcohol. But the weed that's around now is so f'in strong (because it's grown hydroponically and bred to maximise THC content) it could be classed as a hallucinogenic. I'm no weed expert because I've never liked it but imagine what those chemicals do to the brain. I've known a LOT of pot smokers in my time and they end up really scattered and depressed. None of them have good lives.

So you know you have to stop the drinking and drugs right? But easier said than done! So cut down a bit. Take the anti-deps every day because they have to be regular (though the alcohol and weed sort of cancels them out).

It's a massive challenge to turn this shit around - it took me ending up in intensive care for a week and permanent damage to my pancreas. That was at 35yo (I'm 41 now). I was extreme with the drinking but in a way I'd rather that than a lifetime of alcoholism or pot smoking or whatever. Not that my life is awesome right now but it's a hell of a lot better.

You're only 23 so you've got time on your side. It's up to you really. If you want to fix it, I'd say start with seeing a good GP (if you can find one). They can help you with all sorts of stuff like drug and alcohol counselling, diet and exercise, therapy for anxiety and depression etc. At least in Australia they can, and it doesn't cost anything much.

Good luck :)
Gypsy x

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Originally Posted by gypsylee

6'8" and 400lbs? Are you actually a bear? ;)

Well I know this lifestyle, although I've always hated weed because it doesn't relax me one bit, just makes my anxiety ten times worse.

Edit: Just thinking about weed and anxiety.. I think there's a huge misnomer out there that because it's a plant it's safe. I agree it's safer than alcohol. But the weed that's around now is so f'in strong (because it's grown hydroponically and bred to maximise THC content) it could be classed as a hallucinogenic. I'm no weed expert because I've never liked it but imagine what those chemicals do to the brain. I've known a LOT of pot smokers in my time and they end up really scattered and depressed. None of them have good lives.

So you know you have to stop the drinking and drugs right? But easier said than done! So cut down a bit. Take the anti-deps every day because they have to be regular (though the alcohol and weed sort of cancels them out).

It's a massive challenge to turn this shit around - it took me ending up in intensive care for a week and permanent damage to my pancreas. That was at 35yo (I'm 41 now). I was extreme with the drinking but in a way I'd rather that than a lifetime of alcoholism or pot smoking or whatever. Not that my life is awesome right now but it's a hell of a lot better.

You're only 23 so you've got time on your side. It's up to you really. If you want to fix it, I'd say start with seeing a good GP (if you can find one). They can help you with all sorts of stuff like drug and alcohol counselling, diet and exercise, therapy for anxiety and depression etc. At least in Australia they can, and it doesn't cost anything much.

Good luck :)
Gypsy x

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Just seen my Dr Today.. she said i could try Zoloft tomorrow. and to not stop drinking... cold turkey.. yet i fear drinking and i just took a small puff of weed and it made things worse, but i feel like i want it.. i will be seeing a psych to deal with the not feeling real... cause this feeling of unreal in my head keeps trigging... * forever* * forever* * forever* and its scaring me and making me cry and feel like ending my life is the only way to stop the feelings.

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Originally Posted by Helplessand23

Just seen my Dr Today.. she said i could try Zoloft tomorrow. and to not stop drinking... cold turkey.. yet i fear drinking and i just took a small puff of weed and it made things worse, but i feel like i want it.. i will be seeing a psych to deal with the not feeling real... cause this feeling of unreal in my head keeps trigging... * forever* * forever* * forever* and its scaring me and making me cry and feel like ending my life is the only way to stop the feelings.

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Why do you fear drinking? God, I have so many dramas right now and I wanted a drink badly last night. I had to get smokes, which meant going right past the bottle shop and I didn't cave :) Sucks when your drug of choice is in your face all the time.

Oh and I totally had that unreal feeling when I had to go out in public. All it is is anxiety. You sort of learn to just do things with it anyway and it goes away pretty quickly.