Phew...well, I certainly never expected to be here

Hi guys! So, my name's Nina and I'm 19 years old. I'm in my first year of college and I've had panic attacks most of my teenage life. However, in the past month or two it's turned from the rare, adequately handled panic attack to smaller, more chronic panic throughout the day. At first I thought maybe I was going crazy...it surely feels that way, doesn't it? But I don't want this to have such an impact on my life anymore. I have been in contact with my primary doctor but I haven't really found a therapist that works with my insurance yet. I'm trying to avoid medication at all costs--my sister has panic disorder as well and she says medications she tried flattened her out and made her feel like a zombie. If anyone's reading this, it'd be cool to get your opinion on that. Anyway, I thought at first that maybe it was just some sort of existential crisis that spurred this constant anxiousness/weird perception (which may very well be the case). But as I think more about it, the idea of embracing adulthood and thinking about my future...my friends...my family, and really just the preciousness of it all has piled all together to make me very uneasy all of the time. I experience a lot of depersonalization when I have anxiety. And then there's periods of time throughout the day where I feel completely normal and I'm thinking: wow, why was I feeling so anxious and paranoid? I'm fine now. I hope it stays this way. But the problem with anxiety is it comes in waves, and I'm learning to battle that. College students especially, you gotta know how all this feels. The crushing weight of sudden adulthood, the strange feeling of being alone but surrounded by people. If anyone my age is reading this, it'd be real cool to start talking. I'd feel much better knowing I'm not the only college kid who feels like they're going crazy but actually has a mental disorder (for lack of a better phrase) to pin it on. I'm working through all of this, one day at a time. It's tough, but I'm determined to hold onto my life and all of the meaning I've packed into it.

I apologize for this obscenely long post. Hopefully a brave few trudged through it. Thanks for reading, guys :)

Hi Nina and welcome :)

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Originally Posted by ningersnap

Hi guys! So, my name's Nina and I'm 19 years old. I'm in my first year of college and I've had panic attacks most of my teenage life. However, in the past month or two it's turned from the rare, adequately handled panic attack to smaller, more chronic panic throughout the day. At first I thought maybe I was going crazy...it surely feels that way, doesn't it? But I don't want this to have such an impact on my life anymore. I have been in contact with my primary doctor but I haven't really found a therapist that works with my insurance yet. I'm trying to avoid medication at all costs--my sister has panic disorder as well and she says medications she tried flattened her out and made her feel like a zombie. If anyone's reading this, it'd be cool to get your opinion on that. Anyway, I thought at first that maybe it was just some sort of existential crisis that spurred this constant anxiousness/weird perception (which may very well be the case). But as I think more about it, the idea of embracing adulthood and thinking about my future...my friends...my family, and really just the preciousness of it all has piled all together to make me very uneasy all of the time. I experience a lot of depersonalization when I have anxiety. And then there's periods of time throughout the day where I feel completely normal and I'm thinking: wow, why was I feeling so anxious and paranoid? I'm fine now. I hope it stays this way. But the problem with anxiety is it comes in waves, and I'm learning to battle that. College students especially, you gotta know how all this feels. The crushing weight of sudden adulthood, the strange feeling of being alone but surrounded by people. If anyone my age is reading this, it'd be real cool to start talking. I'd feel much better knowing I'm not the only college kid who feels like they're going crazy but actually has a mental disorder (for lack of a better phrase) to pin it on. I'm working through all of this, one day at a time. It's tough, but I'm determined to hold onto my life and all of the meaning I've packed into it.

I apologize for this obscenely long post. Hopefully a brave few trudged through it. Thanks for reading, guys :)

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What do you believe the incipient reason is for the panic attacks (disorder) in both you and your sister? Think now to back before the teenage years. Go deeper than surface observations.

What were your thoughts about your life, (what was your) family life back then meaning how did you interact with each other, what were not only your personal beliefs but the combined beliefs as a unit (what you all agreed upon, ideas, strong convictions, world views). What were you projecting (what were your parents projecting too) as far as feelings, beliefs, ideas (about life itself). You will find those projections started to manifest slowly over the years into what you call the current life. You simply moved into a future you had thought about. Sure, some was subconscious. But for the most part you had a hand in it. Giving it much thought. Look at your family, the dynamics of the relations one to the other, the fears, goals, world views, even any secrets in the closet (taboo topics). You've got to open it all up and take a good look. Then you can show yourself and your sister the way out. (By clearing any unresolved conflicts, lingering problems, or false ideas about reality. Even examining your value judgments about life itself, growing up, responsibility, and so forth). You are looking for the (associative patterns of) 'conditioning' and 'influence' by your caretakers/parents.

This can pave the way into therapy, or you might find the emotional reasons yourself, and heal them, changing your projections, and altering your future on your own. What you think today, will become your tomorrows. That is the way of it. So it would behoove you to take responsibility for you thoughts. Getting to the bottom of the beliefs that influence your thinking.

There is no other way to shape your future other than by judging your current thoughts and altering them if need be to be on par with how you imagine it to be. (want it to be). Remembering what you give thought to can bring unwanted results if your thinking or value judgments are negative or fearful (creating stress). This is the reason in itself for the 'disorder' in your sister. 'Disorder' here implies a lack of order or conflict that separates one from what is truly desired. It is not a 'lack' at all, just a fear overall, that accompanies powerless feelings. Examining the powerlessness itself for the beliefs behind it, then seeking to change them to ones that empower and would create an exciting, fulfilling future. That is called 'conscious' creation, and that's ultimately your goal.

Practice this. Return yourself to the seat of power.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

What do you believe the incipient reason is for the panic attacks (disorder) in both you and your sister? Think now to back before the teenage years. Go deeper than surface observations.

What where your thoughts about your life, family back then. What were you projecting (what were your parents projecting too) as far as feelings, beliefs, ideas (about life itself). You will find those projections started to manifest slowly over the years into what you call the current life. You simply moved into a future you had thought about. Sure, some was subconscious. But for the most part you had a hand in it. Giving it much thought. Look at your family, the dynamics of the relations one to the other, the fears, goals, world views, even any secrets in the closet (taboo topics). You've got to open it all up and take a good look. Then you can show your sister the way out.

This can pave the way into therapy, or you might find the emotional reasons yourself, and heal them, changing your projections, and altering your future on your own. What you think today, will become your tomorrows. That is the way of it. So it would behoove you to take responsibility for you thoughts. Getting to the bottom of the beliefs that influence your thinking.

There is no other way to shape your future other than by judging your current thoughts and altering them if need be to be on par with how you imagine it to be. (want it to be). Remembering what you give thought to can bring unwanted results if your thinking or value judgments are negative. This is the reason in itself for the 'disorder' in your sister. 'Disorder' here implies a lack of order or conflict that separates one from what is truly desired. It is not a 'lack' at all, just a fear overall, that accompanies powerless feelings. Examining the powerlessness itself for the beliefs behind it, then seeking to change them to ones that empower and would create an exciting, fulfilling future. That is called 'conscious' creation, and that's ultimately your goal.

Practice it, empower yourself.

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Correct.

OP, I have been doing some channelling recently on the advice of my very dear friend, Im-Suffering.

My practice has led to the accumulation of various snippets of wisdom, some of which I'm keeping for myself, others of which I'm sharing.
One snippet which is relevant for you: An illness, such as anxiety, is caused by little more than a failure to solve psychological problems in the correct way. Keep this in mind when assuming your current issues are insurmountable. Such a belief worsens the illness, creating a cycle of dysfunction within you that you eventually learn to accept as "normal".

This is all I have for you right now. Read this post and the post of my dear friend's above mine as many times as is needed. Feel free to ask questions should anything not resonate with your current understanding of life and the world.

And remember, I love you all very, very much.

As Jane Roberts wrote, I believe on behalf of an imaginary person named Seth, who she (some might say delusionally) claimed to speak on behalf of: “Suffering is not good for the soul, unless it teaches you how to stop suffering. That is its purpose.”

Or as the Cookie Monster -- who is every bit as real as Seth and considerably more practical -- said "Friend something better than chocolate ice cream . . . maybe friend somebody you give up last cookie for."


And for the OP: I don't think you are going nuts. We all feel that way occasionally, but most of us are just feeling the stress of our situations. The adjustment of early college years -- the transition to adulthood -- can come with some anxiety (as well as a ton of opportunity for growth). I would try to talk with a counselor. Many colleges have a counseling service at no charge. A certain amount of anxiety is perhaps to be expected. But if you feel like it is interfering with your enjoying life and accomplishing what you need/want to accomplish, some counseling might help. Hopefully you have a couple of good friends at college too. That can help. (The cookie monster had that one right!).

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Originally Posted by Kuma

Or as the Cookie Monster -- who is every bit as real as Seth and considerably more practical -- said "Friend something better than chocolate ice cream . . . maybe friend somebody you give up last cookie for."

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Correct! Cookie Monster also say "COOKIE!" ;)

Well the OP probably thinks this place is full of complete lunatics by now..

:)

We are all here, especially the 'senior' members to help. Whether our 'viewpoints' are on opposite sides of the coin, we are on the same coin nevertheless. Comments that 'dilute' a positive message should be refrained - with some control. We are after all in this together.

Referencing the cookie monster or the mention of delusions separates us and divided we fall. Along with the sanctity of the message which could come at all angles, not just the one someone is most comfortable with.

Where is the benefit to the OP if we cannot compliment one another. Each building upon the ideas presented with their own unique perspective.

The idea itself grows with each piece of the puzzle and becomes it's own force independent of it's creators, the people involved.

I just had a very productive channelling session and would like to share my insight. I feel many people have the wrong idea of "Seth".

Seth, to me, is a symbol. For me, there is no Seth, not in any form of non-metaphorical way. Seth is not a ghost, but a finger, pointing towards the oasis of wisdom we all have inside us. Jane knew that this tremendous power would terrify us should we discover it. She made the messenger a fellow human so this insight would be friendlier for our conditioned psyches to accept. To say the wisdom came from the self would have been too overwhelming and alien for us. We have, then, inside each of us a Seth, but this Seth is no ghost; it's acuity. We are, every of us, Jane, and at the same time, the final self of all selves. I am you and you are I and we are it.

Yesterday, Im-Suffering let his injurious unconscious beliefs show, when he posted (then deleted) a message saying he felt I was persecuting him. To him, my brother, myself, I can only say, we are but one of that same coin you mention. Your style is my style; my wisdom is yours; all, however, come from the generous and loving hands of the self. I don't contradict you, nor try to "teach" you. On the contrary. I simply post another piece of the puzzle which has been given to me, to compliment the piece you already have.

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Originally Posted by jessed03

Yesterday, Im-Suffering let his injurious unconscious beliefs show, when he posted (then deleted) a message saying he felt I was persecuting him.

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Yes I did.

Love you too, my brother.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

Yes I did.

Love you too, my brother.

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:) ...........................

Good grief. I've actually PMed the OP!

But you know I'm very fond of you both ;)

Also, Cookie Monster is really cool.

This is very insightful, thank you. However, I'm less concerned with examining my past and asking "why?" when thinking about anxiety. My past is my past, and I've learned from many that anxiety is often hereditary. My father has it and my sister has it. Zbut I don't think the way I was raised really had some sort of negative influence on my thoughts. My parents are great and they taught me to follow my dreams while keeping rationality and expecting the worst (yet hoping for the best). As I said, less concerned about why I am the way I am and more about how I can adjust myself to live my life through my eyes, whatever way I am.

Unfortunately, my college counseling services are hard to get into because there are so few doctors and so many students. I have an evaluation with them in two weeks but I'm seeing a meditation dude on Saturday, one whom my physician recommended I go to and learn to control my thoughts/view.

In terms of friends, mine are great and they know what's going on with me and don't address it too much but are still sympathetic about it. My boyfriend is also very supportive. He doesn't act like he knows better or pretends to be a doctor--he just listens and calms and keeps my head out of the clouds. Normally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship while going through this, but I learned a long time ago not to let go of something good when you have it.

I have a great book on mindfulness I can send you. It's e-format, so you only need to download it. Depends if you're in a reading mood? (This goes to anybody looking to learn mindfulness. Just shoot me a quick PM.)

As for the rest, I'll leave that to IS.

Thanks Jess

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Originally Posted by ningersnap

My parents are great and they taught me to follow my dreams while keeping rationality and expecting the worst (yet hoping for the best).

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Expectations win over hope.

We did not suggest your parents were less than great. Their beliefs however may not work for you. As in the one from the quote. 'Rationality' does not mix well with imagination, which is a necessary ingredient for dream fulfillment.

Both rationality and expecting the worst won't create the best. The expectations are 'real' founded in a belief, whereas hope is merely a pipe dream.

Now these are dads beliefs, which do mix well with anxiety.

"As I said, less concerned about why I am the way I am and more about how I can adjust myself to live my life through my eyes"


If you want to change your life, you must examine what you see through your eyes, against what you desire. If there are conflicts, realize it may not be your eyes your looking through.

Your eyes see what you have been conditioned to see. That becomes your expectation.

What you're saying makes sense, but I have not been "conditioned" by my parents. Most of what I believe and think about the world doesn't have much of an association with whatever they think, I was just mentioning that they didn't give me a particularly negative not particularly positive upbringing. Being rational is important when thinking about anxiety. If I weren't at least some sense of rationality, I would in fact think horrible, death-like thoughts during each panic attack. You're insight is appreciated but I didn't come here to receive a psychoanalysis or some sort of self formulated explanation for panic disorder. There is no argument about it. I don't think I will be posting here much anymore....I'm a little disappointed in the type of replies I've been seeing.

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Originally Posted by ningersnap

What you're saying makes sense, but I have not been "conditioned" by my parents. Most of what I believe and think about the world doesn't have much of an association with whatever they think, I was just mentioning that they didn't give me a particularly negative not particularly positive upbringing. Being rational is important when thinking about anxiety. If I weren't at least some sense of rationality, I would in fact think horrible, death-like thoughts during each panic attack. You're insight is appreciated but I didn't come here to receive a psychoanalysis or some sort of self formulated explanation for panic disorder. There is no argument about it. I don't think I will be posting here much anymore....I'm a little disappointed in the type of replies I've been seeing.

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Hey I sent you a private message about the replies. Sorry your experience here has been disappointing :(

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Originally Posted by gypsylee

Hey I sent you a private message about the replies. Sorry your experience here has been disappointing :(

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Thank you, I saw it but can't respond because I haven't posted enough. You're very kind

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Originally Posted by ningersnap

Thank you, I saw it but can't respond because I haven't posted enough. You're very kind

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Oh I thought you could respond if someone messaged you first. Anyway I hate seeing people put off the forum. There are some cool people here :)

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Originally Posted by ningersnap

Thank you, I saw it but can't respond because I haven't posted enough. You're very kind

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Just make a few random posts to get past the threshold -- if you want to. It is true that this forum has some people who offer unhelpful responses, including pretending to know more about you than they possibly could or jumping to unwarranted conclusions. I guess that is true on most anonymous forums. But there are also people here such as Gypsylee, who have insight and empathy and are also practical and live in the real world. So there is value here. You do have to separate the wheat from the chaff, to some extent. But if you stock around a while, you may find that it is worthwhile.

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This forum is really social too, which I prefer. People here are more like friends to me than forumites. I know the other anxiety forums moderate posts and can sometimes have so many threads that you don't really get to enjoy that personal touch.

What I'm saying is, stick around. Even if it's for the same reason we all do... for Gypsy. :)

Aww shucks guys.. *group hug* ;)