yet another depressed individual

Where do I start. Old person, broke person. In many ways. Just turned 30 and realized...I have no control over my life and I dont see where do I gain it neither.

I'm at the lowest I've been since 2007. Back then, I lost my job at the time and got into couple of nasty fights with my friends, all while I was still living with my parents. When the "drama" happened, I felt completely useless individual and decided to stay in my room all day, playing computers and sleeping till noon. Apart from occasional "get out of your room", parents didnt' really care about how am I spending my time or what's wrong with me.

Eventually I met this girl one random night and couple of months later we began to date. Further down the line, I told her I want us to live together so I moved to her city on a whim and with little savings that I had, I started looking for a job. Eventually landed one, pretty good one I might add. Life started to look really pinky and happy. I was paid good, not great and nothing spectacular, but enough that we can go out shopping, short trips, and we didn't stress about money at all.

But then it all changed when company shut down literally over night, and after 3 years, I was left without a job. That's when my confidence started to plummet. At that time, apart doing my main - dayjob, I had a sidejob with an acquaintance of mine. I thought the project will succeed and I'll get some good money from it. That's what both of our plan was. And since the acquaintance lived 5 miles from my parents house...I decided to pack up from the town and take my GF to my parents house. It's hard to describe my parents relationship in couple of sentences, but I'll try. Ever since I remember myself they've been going at each other, verbally. They really couldn't and still can't stand each other, yet both of them run the "family" business and live in the same house. But trust me when I say, they can't be at the same table for 10 minutes. My father spends his days in his one room apartment in the basement of the house, and my mom lives upstairs. It's bizzare.

I don't know what was I thinking when I told her that we are moving. We cancelled the apartment and headed back to my parents house. Immediately I felt some kind of tension between my mother and my sister towards my GF and me, since my room is right next to the living room - and that's where my mom and my sister spent their days, without "me" or anyone else distracting their peace I guess.

It all went sour when my mom and my sister refused to speak to my GF. My GF and I didn't use the kitchen or the living room, we were eating out and staying in my room the whole time. I remember being happy at that time because I had this vision that the sideproject will be successful and I thought I was getting paid for the first time in my life, almost to "escaping the rat race" kind of money. I clearly remember having a high sex drive back then.

But eventually, then the stress of the house transferred on to me. The project dwindled, our savings dwindled and I didn't want to expose my GF to that environment any more. She told me her aunt could rent us her apartment in the city and we moved in there. We were late on first 2 rents due to being jobless but eventually I landed a job in my niche, although it payes half of what I was getting on my previous job. My GF went to finish her practice teaching in school, even though she doesn't want to do that for a living.

And for the last couple of months, it's rinse repeat. I get home sort of late, with no ambition to do anything, and no money to go anywhere. My GF comes earlier but I feel as if she's just spending her time doing nothing whole day. This worries me. I worry me. We are stuck and none of us is pushing each other forward. I lost my sex drive. I can't utter anything "sexual" to her. I cringe at myself after I jack off to porn, sometimes I quit before I even finish, it just feels like a pathetic thing to do sometimes.

I'm broke, because I live check to check. If something happens financially, I don't know how will I pull out of it. I'm applying for better jobs, but it doesn't happen overnight, no luck yet. When I see a friend of mine doing whatever he is doing that makes him happy, especially if it means creative expression, I get jealous. I feel like like is passing me by. I don't have the guts to put myself out there because I'm scarred and my self esteem basically doesn't exist. Some of my friends, same age as me, have families, some have nice cars, I don't have nothing. My GF asks me about marriage from time to time. But I don't want to get married to anyone, case in point ; looking at my parents.

My GF's mom is a very afraid kind of person, very prone to self-pity and I can't help it to feel some kind of resentment or frustration when she speaks. She never encourages her daughter to do anything, as long as she has whatever job she's fine, she's the type to keep head down, pass through life unnoticed, complain about the weather, winter, spring, daily news, that kind of things. I'm afraid that my GF doesn't turn to that one day.

At this point, I'm feeling the worst I ever had in 10 years, definitely. And I don't know how to help it. So please help me.

Come on, man. Thirty isn't old! I say that as I'm getting ever closer myself. :)

Out of interest, do you think your depression is because of how your life is right now, or do you think how your life is right now is partly down to you being depressed now and again?

I can only wish you luck on the job front. It's tough out there, but breaks can happen.

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Originally Posted by jessed03

Come on, man. Thirty isn't old! I say that as I'm getting ever closer myself. :).

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Depends where you are in life. I definitely think that I am old.

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Originally Posted by jessed03

Out of interest, do you think your depression is because of how your life is right now, or do you think how your life is right now is partly down to you being depressed now and again?

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I definitely think it's doe to my current situation in life. As I've said, when we moved back to "my room" I was really, really happy, my sex drive was high, I was completely at peace. My mind at the time was this; we don't have to pay the rent, all the money we earn we'll save, the project I'm working on will take off soon, things are really starting to get better.

But it didn't pan out like that. And I'm a mess. Life slipping away, I have no clear direction, I have ambition of what I really want to be but I don't have the guts to actually do it. One of the things that I should do in order to "act" on my gut feeling is quit this job. Thanks to my current situation, I can't even think about losing this income, even though I wake up every morning with the same old sigh.

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Originally Posted by olwuwopte

Depends where you are in life. I definitely think that I am old.



I definitely think it's doe to my current situation in life. As I've said, when we moved back to "my room" I was really, really happy, my sex drive was high, I was completely at peace. My mind at the time was this; we don't have to pay the rent, all the money we earn we'll save, the project I'm working on will take off soon, things are really starting to get better.

But it didn't pan out like that. And I'm a mess. Life slipping away, I have no clear direction, I have ambition of what I really want to be but I don't have the guts to actually do it. One of the things that I should do in order to "act" on my gut feeling is quit this job. Thanks to my current situation, I can't even think about losing this income, even though I wake up every morning with the same old sigh.

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Sit tight. And you will get the encouragement you ask for, maybe enough to 'spark' some enlightenment and even new thought, constructive thought to light the way 'out'.

Briefly:

You create your reality, you have forgotten your hand in it, and so the depressive state, or despondency, a better term, is self created by decisions and actions wholly from the self - and your beliefs, especially childhood conditioning in relation to marriage, relationships, and your own gifts, what you are capable of. These 'facts' or your world view dictate what you experience, it cannot be any other way. If you create the pain (or joy), you are meant to feel it physically, as a result of your mental fulfillment, or lack thereof.

The family and to an extent the girl and the environs are enablers, and the sooner the self picks up the bootstraps and moves out into the fear, the sooner the demons will be scared away, and life, like the parting of the seas, will move out of the way, for the man who is determined to find his life. And creative expression. An enabling lifestyle will crumble, eventually. You will knock it down yourself, as part of the repressed energies. So you better be aware what you are up to. Aware of the choices made, and the probable future created by them. Knowing that you create your reality could have an immediate impact on those choices, and so I want you to 'think' about how you would do things differently if your thoughts, actions, and expectations actually manifest into 'reality', day to day. If you trace back your thoughts, actions and so forth, you will see at any given time, looking down the road, that you got what you expected. (feel it). Moving back into 'your room', looking back, you can see how this may have backfired. And to some degree then, you want to develop clear thinking, that is the purpose. With clarity, you can fine tune your intent. The difficulty is in clarity itself, how do you get clear? By acting in your highest regard for self, in your best interests and out of love for who you are. Then you can never go astray from souls intent. The face that the 'highest regard for self' would take (in your decisions)? Love.

Come from great love, honor, and respect for the self. Now moving back to 'the room' looks a bit differently, doesnt it? Not all that good a decision. It was a decision made from fear, which is on the opposite side of the love coin, love's misguided and distorted step brother.

Others will be around in time to help you along. If you remember anything from this post -, know the despondency or depression is from indecision, decisions you should have made but let fester (or wrong haphazard faulty decisions), which turned to doubt, to worry, and ultimately to fear and 'stuck' or powerless, like you are playing a game of telephone, where you have finally forgotten you are the instigator. and in the end memory loss and blame. Its your life, if the fear says "I cannot" then you must examine why, and endeavor to take small steps to change beliefs, that are false, and move into a new life. It would surprise you how easy it is, when you finally decide. A clear decision is power, you see. And you need that sense of personal empowerment to break you free.

Maybe more later if needed.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

You create your reality, you have forgotten your hand in it, and so the depressive state, or despondency, a better term, is self created by decisions and actions wholly from the self - and your beliefs, especially childhood conditioning in relation to marriage, relationships, and your own gifts, what you are capable of. These 'facts' or your world view dictate what you experience, it cannot be any other way. If you create the pain (or joy), you are meant to feel it physically, as a result of your mental fulfillment, or lack thereof.

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I understand this, and I also like the way you put it. Will re-read it couple of times for sure, just to "get it thru".

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

The family and to an extent the girl and the environs are enablers, and the sooner the self picks up the bootstraps and moves out into the fear, the sooner the demons will be scared away, and life, like the parting of the seas, will move out of the way, for the man who is determined to find his life. And creative expression. An enabling lifestyle will crumble, eventually. You will knock it down yourself, as part of the repressed energies. So you better be aware what you are up to. Aware of the choices made, and the probable future created by them.

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If I understand correctly, you're saying that I should choose wisely between not taking any action and staying in the "comfort zone" or something similar - or reassess the situation, evaluate pros and cons, make a calm, mature decision and be completely aware of its possible side effects? Creative expression is something that's definitely crippling with my current mindset.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

If you trace back your thoughts, actions and so forth, you will see at any given time, looking down the road, that you got what you expected. (feel it).

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This is completely true, nothing that's happening in my life right now surprises me in any way. It only frustrates me.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

Moving back into 'your room', looking back, you can see how this may have backfired. And to some degree then, you want to develop clear thinking, that is the purpose. With clarity, you can fine tune your intent. The difficulty is in clarity itself, how do you get clear? By acting in your highest regard for self, in your best interests and out of love for who you are. Then you can never go astray from souls intent. The face that the 'highest regard for self' would take (in your decisions)? Love.

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Like they say, now when my hindsight is 20/20, of course moving back was a mistake - and not just because I had my GF with me - that only amplified the "mistake" of it. It was a mistake because I thought I could lean on my parents for a while until I get my life in order.

My sister never moved out of that house for 30 years, up until couple of months ago when she got a job out of state. And she was always lecturing me about how I should live my life. Me trying to make things work, paying the rent etc. getting lectured by her, living in the same room for 30 years not paying anything.

Funny thing was, when my GF and me "moved in", we had this big "family talk" where we agreed to split the expenses (perfectly logical) of the household. But my father told me that after we left, they (my mom and sister, who are not on great terms with my dad) stopped participating. I should've known. But maybe I was acting purely egotistical, shortsighted thinking.

I feel like it left a mark on me. Whenever I see my mom calling me on my phone I get nervous, pissed. I have my art website where I try to develop my skills, build an audience etc. I keep it away from my Facebook because I don't want someone on my Facebook who knows my mom, to see it. But that whole pathetic effort is futile since she told me the other day she found out about my website (not hard to find out, my real name is the address). And now, when I want to post something........I keep thinking "what if she sees this, I don't want to share something I wanted to because I don't want her to see it".

I know, I'm crazy.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

Come from great love, honor, and respect for the self. Now moving back to 'the room' looks a bit differently, doesnt it? Not all that good a decision. It was a decision made from fear, which is on the opposite side of the love coin, love's misguided and distorted step brother.

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Agree. Out of fear, hastily. Also, I would say it was kinda desperate act, because all I could think about at the time was "all the rent/expenses money we will save".

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

know the despondency or depression is from indecision, decisions you should have made but let fester (or wrong haphazard faulty decisions), which turned to doubt, to worry, and ultimately to fear and 'stuck' or powerless, like you are playing a game of telephone, where you have finally forgotten you are the instigator. and in the end memory loss and blame. Its your life, if the fear says "I cannot" then you must examine why, and endeavor to take small steps to change beliefs, that are false, and move into a new life. It would surprise you how easy it is, when you finally decide. A clear decision is power, you see. And you need that sense of personal empowerment to break you free.
Maybe more later if needed.

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You don't understand how grateful I am for your post. You wrote it very well, without being preachy, pretentious and even though I'm kinda cynical type of bastard, you made me read it couple of times. It seems like an easy task. Seems like all I have to do is to re-examine my own life. Maybe my inner desire to travel/roam somewhere, anywhere, for a month or two would be a good thing to do. The job I currently have is dull. I am on a hunt for a better job and since I don't have kids yet, I am completely, in every sense of the word, ready to relocate wherever on this planet for that job. It's just an experience.

After all, I don't have nothing to lose, only to gain. My parents have some real estate / land but they can never sit down with my sister and me to talk about their plans with that land. Both of us are 30, they are 60, and if they plan to take that land to their graves, all the power to them. Something tells me they are a bit narcissistic, because parents should help their kids if they can. But maybe they enjoy watching me hustle through life, I know they're from the baby boomer generation where "working hard" was the most important thing, computers are "not real jobs" because they don't give your hands any blisters etc. I'm at peace if they choose not to give us anything. It is kinda painful but I have to accept it. Last year my father lended 20K to a friend of his - because he was in a financial rut and he decided he will sell the car to get some money. My father told him "you shouldn't sell your car, heres 20K". All while I'm broke looking for a job, living in a rented apartment. I guess that's a lesson too. And I'll stop with this parent talk because I feel like I'm making excuses, and I'm not. The only person to blame for my current situation is me and nobody else, I just want to make that point.

Thanks for the post man. Really appreciate it.

"Every now is a new day"

Often times there are no words to describe a feeling in concrete terms, and here, i am struggling i must admit. So bare with me - but you are surrounded by your idea constructions, and as long as you hold those same limiting ideas, you cannot change any aspects of your life. So i design my posts to open a tiny door, of the imagination just enough to let a little light in. Sometimes you need to rebuild self, by shattering core beliefs.

I am saying that over time you have set boundaries for yourself, what you are able to explore - and where the limits are that like an electric fence, bounce you back if you stray to far out of bounds. From this limiting system of beliefs came multiple decisions including moving back home. The feelings about money, and your parents also come from this belief set. If indeed the universe is a xerox machine, and you create your reality, then your current reality is within that framework, no exceptions. Meaning you have nothing beyond those fences, mentally or physically. You simply cannot achieve more than you think you can, and what you think you can is limited by your beliefs about who you are individually, and in relation to the world.

Since beliefs are your facts about life, and often go unquestioned (example, the world is flat, until no one fell off) you are on auto pilot, recreating the day to day experience as the universe spits out carbon copies of your thoughts and expectations. But I want you to see those thoughts and expectations are illusions based off false ideas about who you are, and what you are capable of. Also what the world is, and your relationships with other people. You certainly cannot live your ideal life, your dreams, while under such a trance.

And that is the great truth, as you create your reality, by your expectations and thoughts, as the universe recreates your thoughts in physical terms, you are so entranced by it, that you forget your hands in it. As if you were to keep putting glove after glove onto your hands, eventually you would lose feeling, you would be out of touch with your hands, and forget you could even use them to feel. You would say "I have no feeling in my hands, so I wont touch that", when all you need to do is take the gloves off.

So even though you are creating your reality, you are doing it with multiple life-times of gloves on to cover the pre-existing hurts and pains acquired through living, misinterpreting reality, and entranced by your own constructions. Each day when you wake up unless you begin to make changes, you are functioning like an autobot - and the sorry state of affairs is you didnt even realize that. This is what enlightenment is all about, this i am teaching you.

Now remember, your parents, your girl, your peers at work, all of them, unless one is a mystic...They are dead to life too. A walking zombie that reacts to circumstance instead of purposefully controlling their own mind and directing it toward some fulfilling purpose, you see. And so you are stuck among the zombies yourself, on automatic. Your beliefs attract those people and events. Dont be surprised that once you begin to question your ideas about life, you might lose some relationships as you no longer share the same beliefs, attracting you to the same experiences. Its all learning you understand.

You are learning the power of self and your idea constructions - by physically experiencing your thoughts. You must examine your whole belief system for integrity and value, not to the child inside, but to the current self. The hurt child inside cares what daddy does with his money, because he angry or fearful (I asked for that toy and he did not care enough to get it for me, I felt unloved), where the current self couldnt care, dad can do as he wishes, and you can do the same. So you will find a great deal of the beliefs you are running on automatic as an adult, are outdated from a childs perspective. You are in a very real sense a small child in a mans body reacting to life day to day from his perspective because you never thought to question your beliefs (childhood conditioning), and thus you are living in a 10 year olds world of hurt, jealousy, guilt, shame, blame -

You understand ?

You say "Why do I have this thought", "Who is having this thought?", "and where does this thought come from?" then you dig and dig until you uproot the distortion. The belief or thoughts that generate the feelings you want to get rid of.

And so the part of my first post you didnt quite get, here is the answer - You want to create what is in your best interests, in your highest regard for self, by making clear judgements about reality (what you have created) and if you are not happy with any aspect of it, you want to purposefully think and act in ways that will make you happy. If that is difficult, then you would know you have a conflict of beliefs that you need to settle. For example if you want to be a good person, you cannot hold the belief "I am bad", and "I am good" at the same time. You must look at the offshoots of "I am bad", the bridged beliefs that go along with it and work on changing them. Offshoots could be "I am poor" or "I have no luck with relationships" because they would be closely related and because of the core which is "I am bad", period. You can see how that can destroy a life.

Lastly for today, your imagination is the key to finding beliefs in memory, and creating your life. Your life is the way it is today because of the repeated beliefs that you play out in your imagination. This creates your future tomorrows. You literally walk into tomorrow from todays ideas of it. So I it would behoove you to learn to control your mind, in a sense that knowing this you can create purposefully. And by the way, there are no exceptions here, like disease, car accidents, pain and suffering, money or lack of it, if you are robbed, all of the experiences you encounter, are of your own creation, some on a larger scale are created en mass by you and a number of your peers. This is how reality in general globally is held together with a sense of duration and congruity. Your house does not disappear from your street and then reappear you see, that reality would confuse you. So by the miracle of creation you keep a relatively stable environment going.

Learn to use the imagination constructively, picturing a future to your liking, rather than the result of haphazard ideas and false beliefs. And go for it on a large scale while you are practicing for several minutes a day. For example if you want more money, dont just picture yourself in posession of 50,000 dollars, picture yourself owning an island. You can never go too big, you see, but while you still have limiting beliefs, if you go big in your dreams, you will manifest a portion of it. You see. Once there are no conflicts, creating will be much easier. If you imagine self with an island and airplanes, etc, and you start to feel badly, or lets go smaller, you start to imagine self moving out of your room.............Getting a better job, married, etc....And you get knots in the stomach or it doesnt feel right, its not because you dont desire it, its because of the conflicting false beliefs. Start digging into them to resolve them.

You must do the work, you see....Hiding out in mom and dads (or anywhere) wont clear the psyche, or set it free. But attract more of the same old. New steps open new pathways - new opportunities.

That is all for now.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

So i design my posts to open a tiny door, of the imagination just enough to let a little light in. Sometimes you need to rebuild self, by shattering core beliefs.

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And you do it very well, thank you very much.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

where the limits are that like an electric fence, bounce you back if you stray to far out of bounds.

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True. I have many, many fences in me and I have a hard time trying to make them go away. I want to, I really do, and I'll do my best to make them disappear. I'll give you couple of examples. One of my interests is art, conventional, digital, doesn't matter. Plenty of times I wanted to go and do that with my life but then I hear "voices" in my head saying "who cares about your art, what is art anyway, are you planning on selling it, overpriced selfish selfabsorbed shit for pretentious people, it's not for you leave it alone".

When I see my acquaintances do something, I feel jealousy mixed with "they're not smarter than me"...for example, few of them have indie bands and they sound average at best, some of them do photography and it's really not special (I'm not hating) but they present it as if it's a museum material. And some people fall for it.

Me on the other hand, whenever I share something I created (rarely) I try to distance myself from critique or from being taken seriously by leaving some dry humor sarcastic annotation or something similar. It's as if I want to put myself down and not "rise" above what I think others think about me. I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I keep shooting myself in the foot.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

I want you to see those thoughts and expectations are illusions based off false ideas about who you are, and what you are capable of. Also what the world is, and your relationships with other people. You certainly cannot live your ideal life, your dreams, while under such a trance. And that is the great truth, as you create your reality, by your expectations and thoughts, as the universe recreates your thoughts in physical terms, you are so entranced by it, that you forget your hands in it. As if you were to keep putting glove after glove onto your hands, eventually you would lose feeling, you would be out of touch with your hands, and forget you could even use them to feel. You would say "I have no feeling in my hands, so I wont touch that", when all you need to do is take the gloves off.

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I'm aware that most of my experiences in life are only result of my own perceptions and the results of such perceptions. Could it have anything to do with my parents or should I leave any outside factor alone? Not trying to blame anyone, just trying to figure out where did such low self esteem of mine stem from. I used to get "mixed reviews" from parents, probably depending on their marriage dynamic of that day. One day they would support me, give me compliments on my hobbies etc (I kept buying some art magazines when I was a kid) but then if I made them angry, they would take all my magazines away...and that's the back and forth I played with them.

When I got to high school, they stopped with it, because at that time they were almost going to court to get a divorce. So I had horrible grades in high school and skipped classes regularly, but they didn't really care about it.

But those are gloves on my hands, I understand. I have to take those off.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

You are learning the power of self and your idea constructions - by physically experiencing your thoughts. You must examine your whole belief system for integrity and value, not to the child inside, but to the current self. The hurt child inside cares what daddy does with his money, because he angry or fearful (I asked for that toy and he did not care enough to get it for me, I felt unloved), where the current self couldnt care, dad can do as he wishes, and you can do the same. So you will find a great deal of the beliefs you are running on automatic as an adult, are outdated from a childs perspective. You are in a very real sense a small child in a mans body reacting to life day to day from his perspective because you never thought to question your beliefs (childhood conditioning), and thus you are living in a 10 year olds world of hurt, jealousy, guilt, shame, blame -

You understand ?

You say "Why do I have this thought", "Who is having this thought?", "and where does this thought come from?" then you dig and dig until you uproot the distortion. The belief or thoughts that generate the feelings you want to get rid of.

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Would you suggest that completely detaching myself from this current life reality would help me in clearing my mind and actually getting some fresh perspetvie on my belief system, direction, end goal etc.? As you've said, current schedule really leaves no room for pondering, and you really did put it right, I'm living like a bot on automatic, everything I do is semi-rushed, because my whole life revolves around getting to sleep early enough so I can get up early enough to get to work.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

Lastly for today, your imagination is the key to finding beliefs in memory, and creating your life. Your life is the way it is today because of the repeated beliefs that you play out in your imagination. This creates your future tomorrows. You literally walk into tomorrow from todays ideas of it. So I it would behoove you to learn to control your mind, in a sense that knowing this you can create purposefully. And by the way, there are no exceptions here, like disease, car accidents, pain and suffering, money or lack of it, if you are robbed, all of the experiences you encounter, are of your own creation, some on a larger scale are created en mass by you and a number of your peers. This is how reality in general globally is held together with a sense of duration and congruity. Your house does not disappear from your street and then reappear you see, that reality would confuse you. So by the miracle of creation you keep a relatively stable environment going.

You must do the work, you see....Hiding out in mom and dads (or anywhere) wont clear the psyche, or set it free. But attract more of the same old. New steps open new pathways - new opportunities.

That is all for now.

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I understand. The part about walking into tomorrow with todays idea got to me. That's completely true. Days are really in a kind of rinse repeat mode and how can anything change if I don't work for the change and do action towards it. Thanks for your brilliant post. I really, really appreciate it and I hope we keep chatting like this every now and then, it really helps having someone putting great insight like like that...thanks.

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Originally Posted by olwuwopte

I'm aware that most of my experiences in life are only result of my own perceptions and the results of such perceptions. Could it have anything to do with my parents or should I leave any outside factor alone? Not trying to blame anyone, just trying to figure out where did such low self esteem of mine stem from. I used to get "mixed reviews" from parents, probably depending on their marriage dynamic of that day. One day they would support me, give me compliments on my hobbies etc (I kept buying some art magazines when I was a kid) but then if I made them angry, they would take all my magazines away...and that's the back and forth I played with them.

When I got to high school, they stopped with it, because at that time they were almost going to court to get a divorce. So I had horrible grades in high school and skipped classes regularly, but they didn't really care about it.

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Briefly - yes, no blame, just understanding.

The thoughts are the result, or sum total, of the..conditioning, and the self suggestions in response to that. Now if you were given magazines, and then have them taken away, that is a mixed message. Are you good, or bad? Capable or not? This wishy washy teaching method is only surpassed in its abuse (yes we will use that term) by indifference. So you received all 3. Finally not caring at all, too absorbed in their own personal issues.

So the beliefs-

No one cares
I am unloved
I am bad
I am unworthy
I am undeserving
I am at fault
I am guilty

And so on. The child taken on the responsibility of the 'guilty party' in all cases because it would rather blame itself than the parent, the parent must be seen as 'good' and knowing. It learns from the parent, whether the parent is a moron is of no consequence, the child cannot reason that out. The parent is 'perfect' and 'justly right' to take away the magazines, and if ultimately the child is abandoned and ignored, then the child is worthless.

So you can relate your current experiences with your art, photography, self worth, etc - to the still childish feelings, so to speak. In a sense nothing can be right until they finally approve, hold you and love you. But this may be unreasonable expectations for an adult now. The child is still waiting for them to come around, you see. Dont wait for that to happen, or youll waste your whole life.

You must go through your beliefs -

Each belief has a story - let it play in the imagination and lead you to an epiphany. Then you can change it. "Its not that my parents hated me, or that somehow I am no good, but that they were wrestling with their own lives, emotions, and stuck in conflicts and unresolved problems" Play out the memory, visually, of when you took on the pain. Such as the days when they took things away without explanation. Examine your feelings, try to release the hurts, regrets, guilt, you were let down - abandonment (emotionally) - play it out in the psyche because its yours to clear and you cannot do it externally.

Now even with all of that said, your reality is created in the moment, each moment, that is your 'point of power' where all the focus of consciousness collides into creating what you call reality. A bright pinpoint in 'space' where the creative spark ignites. The moment is all you ever have. So you dont want to live in the memories of the past, just revisit briefly to release the crap, and come back to the present, where the effects of any belief change 'happen'. Within 30 days of a new belief about self, the whole world view will change. Including physical reality.

These exchanges with me can only enlighten and give you methods, see? They wont in themselves do the work.

But I am proud to be apart of this personal growth period, so thank you for allowing me in.

First off, I'm the one lucky to have someone like you giving me such thoughtful and well written, insightful advice. I really appreciate it, I owe you, really.

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

The thoughts are the result, or sum total, of the..conditioning, and the self suggestions in response to that. So you received all 3. Finally not caring at all, too absorbed in their own personal issues.

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Is it far fetched to say (not trying to make excuses with this, just asking) am I damaged goods? Is my situation really bad or not that extreme? I don't know how other people are raised and what kind of relations they have with their folks, all I know is my situation.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

The child taken on the responsibility of the 'guilty party' in all cases because it would rather blame itself than the parent, the parent must be seen as 'good' and knowing. It learns from the parent, whether the parent is a moron is of no consequence, the child cannot reason that out. The parent is 'perfect' and 'justly right' to take away the magazines, and if ultimately the child is abandoned and ignored, then the child is worthless.

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Yeah, this is clearly the majority of parents-kids relationship. Once you start countering any argument they make, most of them double down on strictness because I guess it's all about retaining the alpha role in the pack. And after 18+ years of such treatment, I guess it's hard to switch from that to "normal", whatever normal is.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

So you can relate your current experiences with your art, photography, self worth, etc - to the still childish feelings, so to speak. In a sense nothing can be right until they finally approve, hold you and love you. But this may be unreasonable expectations for an adult now. The child is still waiting for them to come around, you see. Dont wait for that to happen, or youll waste your whole life.

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I really don't have anything more to say on this. Another nail hit. My GF told me that I'll really learn how mature or changed I am if I go back to my parents for couple of days. It turned out to be true, after couple of "honey moon" days, all of the old rotten shitty relationship gunk comes out. It's fascinating really. It happens literally out of nowhere.

But I'm back living on my own with my GF and when I go to my parents house to say hi and grab something from my ever-growing room closet depository (I can't believe how much "stuff" I piled up over 10 years of living out of that house...) it starts off casual, polite, hey this hey that...and then as soon as one trigger word is out, I can feel it derail and I can also recognize the point of no return. And then I usually tell her (my mom, I get in fights or arguments with her quickly) that I need to go to get some sleep for tomorrows work.

I really hate to be like this, I feel as if I disrespect her, which feels wrong, but then again when I try to act reasonable, it doesn't help, it gets to a point of arguing and it's all downhill from there.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

Play out the memory, visually, of when you took on the pain. Such as the days when they took things away without explanation. Examine your feelings, try to release the hurts, regrets, guilt, you were let down - abandonment (emotionally) - play it out in the psyche because its yours to clear and you cannot do it externally.

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I think I'll need some kind of reset situation for this, a voyage maybe.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Im-Suffering

But I am proud to be apart of this personal growth period, so thank you for allowing me in.

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I am lucky to have you taking time and effort to give me your input and insight.

Couple of random negative emotions evoked this past couple of days. Namely, it's about parents. My GF and me were out on Saturday afternoon, driving around. For whatever reason, we started to talk about our folks. I was slightly "inspired" by things brought up by Im-Suffering in this thread, so I said our parents are straight up fools (not in a derogatory way) because they've been giving us false and mixed signals our entire lives. They slapped us across the face almost daily for anything and everything, from mundane things to things that were "slap-worthy" so to speak. My GF told me her mom used to hit her regularly, and that is something completely unfathomable to me. Because I've seen my father yell at my mom, throw her dinner on the floor, yell at my mom's sister, and yell at my sister before he kicked her out of the house (she went to our aunt's place, returned 2 days later).

I even watched my father yell at his own father. I walked in the house and in the living room my father was going rampant yelling at his 80 year old father for "not being supportive of him when he was a kid" type of talk. The old man just sat there with a blank stare. Eventually my father told him to get out of the house. Funny thing is, the house that my father lives in is the one he inherited from that man. I told my GF none of our parents were ready for any of the things they press on us to do (marriage, kids). And still their entire mantra is; we didn't worry about money, we didn't wait for the right time and somehow it all worked out.

I guess, in their eyes, it did work out. Because whenever I even hinted at critiques of their upbringing methods, I got shut down, my father used to say "don't start the Oprah hogwash".

I also get automatically frustrated, or should I say agitated when I see incoming call from my parents on my phone, namely my mom. It just gets me in an instant "what do you want now" mode. Always the same mundane questions. I don't even bother to answer questions with anything more than "yes", "no" or "i don't know - maybe". I know this is extremely childish. But I don't feel I should be polite and cordial all the time. Why would I fake it? If their phone call makes me feel a certain way, I'll show it.

After all, they never bothered to bottle their emotions towards me for 20+ years. So I don't feel obligated to change the "heart on the sleeve approach" with them. I know I know, it's childish and I should know better. But I don't want to.

I notice that I have pretty significant up and down type of mood swings (if that's the correct term). On weekends, I'm happy, relaxed, and generally feel great about majority of things, if I don't think about my car and my financial situation. But as soon as the working week starts, I get pissed. I start to think - I've been doing this 9-5 shit for years and I still don't have anything. I ask myself what's the point of getting up in the morning. Other people at least bought a house, a car, they did something. I managed to get myself in such situation, I can't afford a new car. So I'm the bottom of the 9-5 barrel and it frustrates me. During the week my creative aspirations get shattered, because all I can think about is how little money I make. And every cloud of creative thought pops immediately out of my head and gets replaced by the "you won't to creative shit, you're old and broke" voice.

Random thought #9827854

I did a lot of "shadow work" with myself without knowing what shadow work is, 8 years ago when I was in my first depression in my early 20s. I walked and walked for hours, and talked with myself, in my head. I did it daily. I'm very thankful for those conversations, if anything, I think I'm able to spot my own flaws to some point. I know when I'm playing the victim card, but I do it as a stress relief thing, not saying that makes it ok, I don't do it too often (I hope). I look down on people who seem less intelligent than me. I think I'm stupid and I don't have any illusions of grandeur, I'm aware of my average. I noticed that I'm running away from my parents in a way, because of the critiques they had for me all the time when I was growing up. It made me hate criticism and automatically, hate any kind of public work. Which is bizzare since I love art.

I have some of my works published online, but I published it...well, in a childish way. Let me give you couple of examples of what I mean. Let's start with Facebook. I deleted my mom, dad and sister from there, also my cousins and any other close relatives. Why? Because I've heard them make fun of some of the posts I made, for example, we would get together and in less than 0.56543 seconds, the main talk of the table would be about something written/shared on facebook wall. I found it bizzare and lame. I hated when they "made fun" of music I shared. Or when they posted some of the "internal jokes" that nobody except us understands to my wall.

I hated it for one simple reason. Please don't think I'm some family hating social outcast. Well, maybe I am, but the reason I hated their behavior is because it painted a completely false picture. If someone observed the dynamic they tried to have with me on Facebook, it would seem as if we're the happiest of the families. In reality...I won't even bother to go there. We rarely had lunches without someone getting in some kind of an argument, way back when I lived there and we had lunch all together at the same time at the same table. We never discussed our troubled relations - without getting into more arguments. We never resolved anything. But when Facebook got around, everything was, all of a sudden, fun and games - and critiques or lighthearted mockery or some sorts.


My GF told me that I can't run away from them or the critiques and those things because I'm not physically running anywhere, I'm running from myself. I somewhat disagree. When I go on any kind of travel/trip, anywhere outside my "zone" that I'm familiar with, I feel...completely free. I can't describe that feeling to you. I feel relaxed, I want to talk to everyone, I want to socialize, I want to be nice to everyone. I don't think it has to do with being ecstatic about the travel per se. I think it has to do with me knowing none of those guys from my past is around. Family, and people I worked with that screwed me over for money.

Back to facebook, one of my sisters friends sent me a friend request the other day. I can't accept it. Why? I'm afraid she'll report what kind of shit I post or what's going on in my life, to my sister. The same reason why I don't ever share none of my art on my private facebook. I have a separate fan page, and I don't promote it to my facebook friends, because I'm afraid some of them might send the link to someone from my family, and then they'll see what I do and criticize it.

Could it be that art is my true calling? It does involve me actually putting myself OUT there, in the limelight, for everyone to see, comment, critique.


Also, am I insane?