I Have No Idea What I'm Doing!!

*sigh* I'm so scattered I closed the tab without saving it. It's around 30C at 11:30pm with the air-conditioning on. Tourists have been playing loud music and talking all day. People are driving cars and riding motorbikes along the freeway at high speed so it feels like I'm in some Mad Max film. My head hurts. I'm wired/anxious and don't want to lie down and try to sleep though. Music.. Thank God for music.


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“Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” –Samuel Beckett

Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. Feel the rawness of that fact, the bleeding-meat quality of it. It’s tragically delicious. It’s enchantingly heartbreaking. There’s an awful dread that comes with knowing that we are a fallible, prone-to-mistakes, and imperfectly mortal animal; but there is also a kind of terrible beauty to it, without which we wouldn’t have such concepts as meaning, beauty, and love. The idea that we can learn from our mistakes; that we can transform pain into knowledge, anger into courage, and hunger into love, is a profoundly ecstatic self-overcoming that has the potential to launch us into levels of evolution that we cannot currently fathom.

The cognitive guillotine (McGee’s Guillotine) is a chopping block of self-overcoming. It’s a constant shedding of the superfluous, a consistent “beheading” of the outdated and parochial thinking that has crippled our species into devolution. It’s a spiritual letting, an ontological bloodletting, and an existential letting go. It’s a sacred pruning toward numinous flourishing. So that which comes to us as root can go on as stalk, and that which comes to us as stalk can go on as a flowering, a Fibonacci sequencing of human evolution in the throes of the “journey being the thing;” which soars through the magnanimous glory of falling and getting back up again, of breaking apart and coming back together, of failing and failing better, of living and living better, and striving for that almighty beacon of hope: PHI, the eternal Tao, Infinity, and the unattainable beauty of enlightenment.

Image: Occum's Razor by Scott Schwab

The page numbering in this sub-forum makes no sense.

Aaaaand I just wrote a few paragraphs, left the room for five minutes and it’s gone. I was deciding on some music. Well it’s definitely Die Antwoord because now I am pissed off. Beware, it’s offensive. Rat Trap 666 because I feel like a goddamn rat in a cage. Jesus.

And none of the videos play properly. Does anything in this shithole world actually work as it should anymore??

I don’t know.. Garbage.

https://youtu.be/r4RPKqo18J4

are you on the phone Gypsy? On computer it is kind of easy fix , on phone not so much

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dahila

are you on the phone Gypsy? On computer it is kind of easy fix , on phone not so much

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I was on iPad, so yeah phone. Never mind.. It was just me venting while in a rage :rolleyes:

My biggest issue is noise. There are times during the day when the freeway has trucks coming off it and they’re changing down gears, so it’s really loud and horrible. On top of that one of the neighbours is doing some renovation or something, using power tools. Then he plays loud music and talks loudly outside. Tourists renting houses as well, who play music and talk til all hours (often drunk). I have to resort to earplugs, which helps but it’s not nice in your own home. My irritability goes through the roof and I just want to scream “shut up!!”

Anyway I have to get to the supermarket. Being Xmas Eve it’s my only chance it won’t be packed (it’s 7:30am). I’m excited about Xmas being over soon hahaha. Talk to you soon :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gypsylee

I was on iPad, so yeah phone. Never mind.. It was just me venting while in a rage :rolleyes:

My biggest issue is noise. There are times during the day when the freeway has trucks coming off it and they’re changing down gears, so it’s really loud and horrible. On top of that one of the neighbours is doing some renovation or something, using power tools. Then he plays loud music and talks loudly outside. Tourists renting houses as well, who play music and talk til all hours (often drunk). I have to resort to earplugs, which helps but it’s not nice in your own home. My irritability goes through the roof and I just want to scream “shut up!!”

Anyway I have to get to the supermarket. Being Xmas Eve it’s my only chance it won’t be packed (it’s 7:30am). I’m excited about Xmas being over soon hahaha. Talk to you soon :)

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I am with you on that, I do not like any holidays at all, shopping when is so many people in store is a torture for me. I had seen some noise cancelling headphones maybe it would be answer for you. My grandchild sleeps in my house with ear plugs. They go camping all the time and learned if they want to get any sleep earplugs are the answer.
Anyway rant as much as you heart desire Gypsy :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dahila

I am with you on that, I do not like any holidays at all, shopping when is so many people in store is a torture for me. I had seen some noise cancelling headphones maybe it would be answer for you. My grandchild sleeps in my house with ear plugs. They go camping all the time and learned if they want to get any sleep earplugs are the answer.
Anyway rant as much as you heart desire Gypsy :)

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I did it but by 9am it was chaos, as in hard to actually *leave* the carpark.

Some idiot is now hammering. He was talking before and he has the most annoying voice I’ve ever heard I think. It’s really monotone and loud. LOL. I sound like the biggest whinger but people don’t understand my sensitivity to noise. Autistic people go crazy if it’s too noisy. I’m not autistic but I’ve read PTSD increases it as well and I’m sure I have a bit of that. It’s also just the fact people are so thoughtless. If I ever make loud noises I’m so conscious of how it might affect other people but so many people just don’t care.

I’m going to mum’s tonight, which is really quiet. Only problem is it has mum in it hahaha!

yes I do understand, noises like hammering are awful. I had lived 12 years in subsidized housing and I can relate, Whole night and day there were such activity, drug dealers , crazy people , drunk people, break in in every unit except mine, but I had a dog everyone was scared off her. She was like me antisocial. So you had not done the shopping?

I’m glad Xmas is almost over. I’m so drained by it though and I didn’t even really do anything. It’s just the usual struggle with that on top. I don’t need it and I think a lot of other people are the same but they go through the motions. I’ve refused to go through the motions generally, for a few years now. It can’t be avoided though. I came to mum’s because it’s quiet. Well there were people yelling and screaming at some party, then at about 1am someone was talking right outside my window. My anxiety was really high and I was up most of the night. I slept for a long time though, which is great because I’ve been waking up after about 1.5 hours for *months* now. I’m still very weary though. I need quiet, solitude and darkness to recharge and it’s so hard to get atm. I need creativity and inspiration, and that’s like getting blood out of a stone in this culture. It’s just survival for most people, most of the time. I can’t possibly live how I’d like to under these conditions. I try hard to be grateful for what I’ve got but it’s human nature to want more (and I don’t mean more money).

As I was driving to mum’s I saw an echidna crossing the road. I stopped and just watched it. My friend in London had to google echidnas because he didn’t know what they were! We do have strange animals. But things like that are highlights of my day. Not going to shopping malls full of people in some kind of mass hysteria.. That sucks the life right out of me.

wow cute animal, I also had to search for it, just not on google. looks like hedgehog a bit, I would do like you stop and watch. I love watching animals and birds. Yeah I still have to go to my daughter house at 6 pm and it scares beejesus of me , I hate this social occasions. First of all I am hearing aids user and when few people start to talk at the same time (eveytimes it happens) I am lost and can not follow any conversation so I am sitting there like idiot.My daughter whispering something to me, and I do not react of course cause her boyfriend is speaking loudly. So my girl ask me like I am demented already; Mom did you put your hearing aids in. Nothing pisses me on as much as her question. Why it is difficult to understand that hearing aids do not work like natural hearing. This is why i avoid any social situation. As you expect I feel so anxious I can not eat anything. My blood pressure goes up of course, I can not have regular food so they spend fucken time to explain to me that there are good carbs and bad carbs. I try to tell them that there is not such thing; carbs are carbs does not matter where they come from. Eh keep you fingers crossed that I do survive today :)) Take Care G.

Just saw this on Twitter. It’s what I’m saying!

@DailyKerouac
... not enough ecstasy for me, not enough life, joy, kicks, darkness, music, not enough night. —Jack Kerouac


Yes echidna is like a hedgehog but unrelated. Echidnas lay eggs!

I had to laugh at your hearing aid saga. I assume you survived. It’s over for another year :)