Obsessive Checking on my faithful girlfriend

hi, I am a healthy charismatic sociable 40 year old man.

I've been in my current relationship for 4 years. 3 of these years have been plagued by jealousy and obsessive wanting to check that my girlfriend is not keeping any other makes a secret from me. My previous marriage ended when I found out my wife was having multiple organised affairs. I found out when her behaviour had become really suspicious .. And knowing she would never admit it .. I turned into a digital private detective and it was only then that I found the depth of her deception .. It was awful, we had 2 year old child, it broke me and I left.

After i got myself back together over the course of 2 years .. I fell in love with my current girlfriend and we fell for each other.

Long story short .. I began to feel jealous whenever my girl was seeing, talking to, doing business with it even mentioning other men.

I felt threatened by any other male in her life. Slowly but surely my anxiety and jealousy grew into a monster. We split up all the time .. And then she takes me back .. Another chance .. So many times it's ridiculous ..

She has just been away with her sister and other girlfriends to Ibiza doing the club thing.

I have spent the last week totally unable to function due to intrusive thoughts, anxiety and jealousy. I've not been able to do anything at all.

I'm suffering from unwanted intrusive thoughts and checking on her digitally constantly. Although I know that the checking is making me feel worse I feel I can't help it.

I wanted to post on here to see if anyone else has had or is in the same situation.

Any feedback or reply would be hugely appreciated

Did you ever have this obsessive urge to check on your partner BEFORE your wife cheated?

Hi Gypsy thanks for your reply ..

Yes I have suffered hugely with this in my previous relationship, but the way in which the marriage ended was totally harming to me... Because my ex wife had become very suspicious in her behaviour, and I knew she would not own up.. I became private detective to get the evidence.. This took a week and I neither slept or ate. Once I delved, bingo! Multiple & organised affairs with work colleagues...
I do believe that my ex-wife was actually lying to me over years though .. So if my anxiety was there before my marriage, it must have compounded it.

I had never checked on anything to this extent before...

I met a new girl, she really loves me .. Yet my jealous anxious checking behaviour started to creep in .. And now its a monster..

The problem I have now is, this has pressured our relationship for so long, is that I'm scared of being open with her, she says I have to sort this out my own. I have to trust her or it won't work ..
Which seems impossible.

So, if I don't explain my feelings and anxiety and triggers, they manifest and stay within me ... If I do, I could be pushed away / rejected again .. Crippling it is!

She has actually just started paying for us to couples therapy .. She is sick of us splitting up, getting back, and splitting up .. its embarrassing to everyone around us (not that that matters)

I do deep down believe she is trustworthy. But one slight trigger and I go under.

She has just been in Ibiza for a week, and I'm sat here working out what she said, where she went, who with,
I breakdown the times in between text messages & calls and what she said .. even if she doesn't put kisses on a message I get anxious..

This is ridiculous, which I why I'm posting on here! :)

I am thinking the couples therapy would be a good thing for you, maybe some therapy for you alone as well.

I think you need to have help dealing with the fall out from your ex-wife so as not to destroy your current relationship which is obviously very important to you.

Wishing you all the best.
Cheers.

Well just the fact she is paying for couples therapy says she's pretty serious about the relationship.

It sounds like you do need help getting over the shock of your wife cheating (not just cheating but actually having multiple affairs). That's one of the hardest things a person ever has to deal with and not easy to get over.

Thank you ....

You know, in my mind I have 2 views that I seem to jump between.

View 1- Its all my insecurities & emotions that make ME anxious.

View 2- My partner is aware of my triggers and should do more to support me, as my triggers are clear and easily understood.

And I jump between the 2 depending on the situation. I get anxious based on what my partner is doing .. (Out with her friends, or not texting for hours, or getting a too drunk etc ..)

I do understand that my partner cannot and should not change what she does to accommodate my weakness and I do want her to feel free.

Baring in mind that deep in my heart I don't believe she would be unfaithful, do you think that VIEW No.1 is true and I should try to discard VIEW No.2 totally?

Does that even make sense?? :)

It's hard as an outsider to know what she does and doesn't do that could affect your anxiety. Like if she breaks promises or stays out much longer than she said, then that's something she should change. But if they're small things, like she's a little bit late or didn't text one time, then you're probably overreacting. So I know what you're saying but I can't really answer unless I have all the details. The counselling should work it out.

OK.... Ive just had another trigger and felt the stomach tighten etc ..
I'm going to put a real example of trigger below..

I text my girlfriend at 12midday - She is in Ibiza, I got anxious whilst I was a meal with family and it was overwhelming so I thought I would try and talk to my girlfriend for help. This is where I feel like I'm being punished by long silences and also threatened with ending the relationship. And I'm totally confused with it .... Any feedback is appreciated and I feel quite stupid putting this on here ..

12:25:20: ME: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

16:22:11: ME: Bloody missing you darling .. I've gotta say xx

16:31:43: HER: Aw well that's good, I'm just here, honestly xx

16:32:19: ME: Ok darling ... I'll call you when I get back xxx

17:13:28: ME: Darling Xx I'm really struggling .. And I don't want to say .... You seem to be on what's app a lot .. I'm just wondering who to? I'm sorry to ask ... I'm so scared of upsetting you ... I can't wait to get home so I can call you .. Am gonna go Therapist tomorrow at 5 ... Im sorry to be negative ... Re reading your lovely messages and trying to stay positive .. But I'm really finding it hard ... I don't want to be serious and I don't wanna piss you of either .. Xx

17:20:14: HER: Darling, I have my phone and I keep checking if I've got a message from you!!! I am not speaking to anyone. Why do you mistrust me??? I feel like I need to keep checking in because I know how your mind works. I don't do this to you....why do you do it to me??? Sorry, I just don't need to go under right now xx

17:21:02: ME: And ps .. I know it's all my problem .. I'm 10 out 10 anxious .. And I know it's just me .. I'm sorry xx

17:22:28: ME: I know your twatted darling .. I have no problem with you ... At all .. I didn't want to say how bad I am .. Please don't see it as an attack as there is none ... It's my stuff .. I got it bad .. Spoke to Therapist and going tomorrow xx

17:22:36: HER: Ok well I'm sorry you feel that way but I can't help you from here. Only you can help yourself. Without trust, it will not work. You decide xx

17:24:14: HER: Darling I understand but I don't deserve to be brought down by your stuff anymore. I can't let it affect my holiday, I refuse xx

17:25:36: ME: I'm not bringing you down my love ... It's just me that's in a mess ... I'm sorry ... Bloody hell .. Sorry xx

17:32:27: ME: Is ok babe .. Have fun & be bloody careful ;) xx

19:03:49: ME: Sorry .. Like I said ... Didn't wanna stress you ... I know your on it so enjoy and give me a bell tomorrow ... Love you ❤️❤️❤️

21:07:37: HER: I do not understand why you feel the need to express your insecurities when I'm away. I cannot help you and all your doing is fucking ruining my time. I think it's really really selfish. Turned a corner??? Seriously??? Never gonna change. Not acceptable because you need to tell me how shit your feeling and take enjoyment away from my escape. You are not thinking about my feelings at any point here. I know what it feels like to be horrendously anxious but I also didn't involve anyone in my personal shit. This is your shit, I'm sick of it, I don't deserve it and you've ruined any hope I had for the future

08:54:48: HER: Your logging on what's app a lot, who are you taking too??

09:40:13: ME: Sorry it got the better of me xx

10:26:02: ME: And I hope your ok ... And I know I shouldn't worry any more than a natural level ... I'm gonna see Therapist tonight at 5pm. I'm really sorry that I asked you about what's app ... It was because I had sent you ❤️❤️❤️❤️ and you didn't reply for hours but I could see you had been on it ... And that's when my dumb mind kicked in ... Simple as that ... I'm sorry xx

10:42:50: ME: I didn't want to tell you but then I thought just put it out there maybe better than keeping it in ... Terrible timing and the last thing you needed ... I'll shut up now .. Sorry .. Hope your ok after your big sesh and I hope we can just forget about my wobble and get back on the good foot xx

11:43:22: HER: Ok xx

11:47:14: HER: I don't want to discuss it over this and while on holiday. We can talk when I get back but it does drain me and I don't want to feel down on holiday when I'm trying to have fun with friends and not doing any wrong. I won't reassure you because you know already. Hope you feel better after chatting with Therapist xx

This is a typical scenario and I know that I am needy. But I find it very hard when she tells me I cannot mention it, because she doesn't want to hear it.
Its so hard when we are so far apart, and to me, she is on a clubbing holiday in Ibiza and that is such a big challenge for me to deal with ..
I was starting to get anxious when I took her to the airport.
She said I had nothing to worry about .. and that she would FaceTime me and send me texts etc.
But the nights when she went out .. and then stayed up all night and carried on into the next were extremely hard for me.
Especially when I had texted her, and didn't get anything back for hours although I could see she was online on whatsAPP often..
At that point my anxiety became unbearable..
She got home yesterday ..
She is ill now and just been in bed sleeping she says ..
But I can see she is constantly on whatsAPP
I text her, ask her she's is ok.. 5 minutes laters she replies "No, Feel like shit, why?"
then she immediately goes back online on whatsapp for another 30 minutes... This is 8.30pm
I wake up this morning, look at whatsapp and see she was last online at 11.54pm..

So, I feel like a child telling tales on here, but I just wanted to illustrate exactly whats going on for me.

Its a lot of words sorry

Hi hopingthishelps.

I just went back and re-read the first line of your original post. You are 40 years old, I have to wonder what else you have in your life to focus on rather than your girlfriend? Do you work? Do you have kids?

After reading how your conversations go, she is apparently very loving and compassionate, but I also get the sense that your neediness is testing her strength.

Go and see the therapist, and try to find something else to focus on rather than her. It will take time but together you will find your way.