Dave's Dairy

I try to move on with my PC water cooling project tomorrow. Just started making up a step by step guide on how to pull apart my graphics card so that I can account for every nut, thermal pad and parts that are dissembled for storage. I need to know exactly how every part goes back together if and when I go to swap it out for a later model in the years ahead. The guide itself will take me quite some time ... then I need to make another one on how to put the water block on the GPU circuit Board without messing that up. Once I nail those guide and have a better understanding, only then will I feel comfortable moving onto the hand on.

I have finally found a coordinator and look forward to restarting therapy 2022. I only hope I can continue with my clean eating all the way trough. Once my projects are done, I think I have have the focus to start a walking regime again - and or cycling. I still have one good camera left, other than my phone. I might start using it - might ... as it tends to bring un-watned attention when using it out in public. It has a fair size lens on it. Using the camera requires a lot of desire. Just not there yet. Phone camera is much easier and even then still requires a spark of some kind.

That reminds me ... today I caught a Kookaburra on my phone that came right up to my outdoor plants and back door. I fed him some turkey meat as that bread enjoys meat. In fact, they often eat small snakes.

Yes, please, try to continue to look forward because life is quite messy right now. Try to 'drag out' projects and hopefully get outside just for fresh air even just to walk to the end of the street. Sometimes I don't go very far at all until I have to go and hurry back inside. Everything is strange out there now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ponder

...and look forward to restarting therapy 2022. I only hope I can continue with my clean eating all the way trough. Once my projects are done, I think I have have the focus to start a walking regime again - and or cycling.

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Hi Dave ... watching now. Ok, please remember we are living for ourselves (and family) in this god forsaken planet. I've accepted that I'll never (and do not want) to fit in. The principles and (so called) morals don't match with my being and I recognized it at childhood just wasn't able to identify it correctly and why suicidal thinking became a part of my life at an early age.

Anyway, will continue to watch and reply either after or later in the day.

Hang in there my friend, I'm right here with you.

EDIT: Going to edit this for the next hour and no need to log in or reply - try to relax for bed time.

Good you're still smiling - even faked - could be helpful for you. I think you're laughing AT the absurdity of life - right now and for yourself - poke and laugh AT it because its pretty damn absurd; indeed.

OK, people know better than to surprise me here at my door. Last time I wound up confused in my own home for weeks. If is possible and likely they ARE fucking with you by knocking and trying to purposely disrupt you? Yeah, you could need some support advocate and this is not just a "request'. I do think they are antagonistic and people like to mess with people that are struggling so it makes them fell normal. So juvenile are sheeple.

Yes, I can relate to those that are autistic or on the spectrum. You see, during my years of testing, I can't get a proper diagnosis because of the TBT [Traumatic Brain Injury]. Like you said, people think a bump on the head and everybody falls and not everybody is suffering ... it depends on how hard and where the fall is. As well as other complications of PTSD or mother drinking and smoking (in my case) during pregnancy.

Yes, xmas is already quite weird already, so please give yourself a break during this time and please step back away (as much as possible) to sleep (best medicine) and recover, and for what its worth, I've little desire left in me too. Very fatigued here, too.

OK ( I keep saying that meaning I think I get it )

I know you don't need validation from me, but hopefully you don't mind me doing so as its sincere from me and I can (very much relate). Remember what you said to me last year: Being unstable in an unstable world in 100% normal. You know, I never forget that and sometimes its the only think I've to hold on to.

"Fuck the world" what can I say other than I feel the same. Occasionally (rarely) does somebody get it right and right now, here, people are expecting God or (A God figure) or a politician to save them and make sense of this shit. Now I'm rambling because I'm also struggling and just want to stay out of the hospital because that is what they want me to be locked away and go away.

Please scratch my ramble and give it little to no thought right now. Just knowing you get it is enough for me.

I'm going to be thinking today about you and I WILL be here good bad or whatever, no pressure or worry. Try to enjoy your computer projects and music and whatever you can get from this holiday around grandson. I also wish well for your family and wife as I know they struggle. Lets just get BY it and let the blur and haze pass.

For now, just try to relax and let the sleep do its job. I've nothing planned today other than to clean because its needed pretty badly.

Off topic side note: Hahaha .. for as many times I've edited and typed and deleted text, what must the keyloggers think of me when I do that. Oh fuck them I could care less :D ... I hope "they" get a kick out of me and my "backspace" button on my keyboard.

See, let "them" get their kicks out of our struggles if it makes "their" day. I feel sorry for them because poking fun at us *could be* all they have; they are pathetic ;)

Thanks ever so much Sal. Validating each other is needed more than ever before. It's because of this worshiping notion and concept of God highjacked and rewritten by politicians that humans and their society are utterly corrupt. Those of us not considered normal are the ones that typically see as much. The rest are blinded. So anytime your able to validate please do so as it will inevitably come back. We help ourselves by helping others. More so helping others you know and understand well. More so connect with. It is painful and depressing that those connections are becoming fewer. Yet look at how long we have been helping each other. That's priceless Sal. Priceless in a world that only knows money. In that regard we are untouchable from said toxicity.

It's hard not to curse but so glad your able to from time to time : ) You do it in a way that I can so relate and respect that your not continually doing it. So many times that is all the sheep choose to see when viewing others and then focus on pulling off their arms and legs with little regard for what makes who we be. In fact, they are taught to act like so in the face of anything that exposes the reality of the world in which they live. We may as well be living in the same time as supremacists and concentration camps. Those elites from said culture that the US migrated to it shores after WWII operate with the same intentions they did back then but do it in a much more calculative and elusive way where today's church goers and voters are all puppets to such schemes.
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Thanks for the push. I got in a solid 25 minute brisk walk this morning and it felt good to be truly back on my feet. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/1/...y-emoticon.gif

I'm glad you like my insane smiles and laughing it off as best I can. You can be sure it is genuine unlike most interactions of today. Both online and off.

I got a few parcels delivered yesterday within the parameters of who they are suppose to do it. I won't hold my breath, but it they start fucking with me again, I'll continue putting pressure back on them. Especially now that I am looking after myself. Allowing people to treat us like crap is akin to self sabotage. Of course when people are truly powerless, it is as you say - a very fucked up world where humans are showing the true cost of what it means to be human living in what is called society. This is exactly why today they have come up with labels to define what and how they choose to see us. Especially for those cognitively affected / impacted. Far better to blame the individual than give credence to the concepts of a flawed society that exacerbates this miss fortune of others and in most cases actually create the very disfunction it seeks to label.

Regarding your comments on diagnoses: Overlapping of conditions is not nearly explored as it should. The hierarchy of so called professionals in said world being overworked, understaffed and above all narrow minded educational programming all encompassed societal and personal agendas leads to affected individuals being anything but correctly diagnosed. The need to diagnose and the way in which it's done somewhat covered in the last sentence is in itself an insight that most lack. It's all part of the system in which at times we are forced to stay broken and results in individuals that do not fit having to continually have a negative perspective of themselves.

I really wanted to continue this as I like delving into your own situation when you bring it up like so. I appreciate your sharing anytime like so. The term TBT [Traumatic Brain Injury] seems to be similar to what I have known as ABI [Acquired Brain Injury] although can see how how the levels may differ just as traits do on a spectrum. YEP - how hard, how we fall, and all those other factors, symptoms and let's not discount societal influence - although the latter quickly dismissed by most mainstream health workers in favor of doctrine, politics and their own personal programming, bias and agendas.

No wonder we avoid health care professionals.

Thanks for being here Sal. I really do appreciate that. I know it can't always be so but man - you have been a positive influence for me.

Right now I have to go though ... my time is up as I have a busy morning is all.

LOL your ending candor. hahahaa Yes ... indeed they are pathetic and that was so well said.

This reply was easy to write so no stress about me trying any harder than I would otherwise of done. It's always a breeze when we catch up.

Take care and thanks again Sal - YEP - being abnormal is where it's at. Fuck being anything near normal in mainstream terms. That game is not for us. ;) Unsuspecting trolls maybe ... but that's about it. We do not want to fall so low. In that regards we are doing not so bad. Could be worse ... I am glad we are not like others in that regard. I only need one or two genuine people in my life VS those who are fake. You are definitely one of the genuine ones. We all have our moments ... but genuine people always come back and are always there.

I know I say I would not link it ... but *&^% it - I'm starting to feel good about it.

DAY 16 - Lunch.

Still eating Clean - No coffee, No Black Tea, No Processed Sugar, No salt, No Mayo, No Bread, No Biscuits, No Take Away, No Drive Throughs, No Soft Drink, No Chips, No fried Food, No Pies, No Junk Food whatsoever.

17 Days straight: Tomorrow!

Getting ready to for bed. Bit late but could be worse. Almost 9:30pm. Since I am making an effort with food it only goes to reason I should do it with my sleep patterns. Walking the footpath really sucks with skate boarders not moving over and that kind of thing. Trying to remain indifferent in a positive way is pretty hard when just starting to get out. Is hard not to reflect back the negative behaviors of others who get off on attacking tired and weak targets. It is easy for those already succeeding and thriving to spurt out cliché phrases about the law of attraction ... Laughs Out Loud. Sigh ... They can be as much a drain as those not prepared to give way to pedestrians.

Alas ... I will work it out like I used to. Look ahead, cross the road to avoid such interactions. I'm just going to have to work it out. Riding the bike has advantages in this regard but walking is what I feel I need to get on top of my fitness for where I am at. It pumps the heart in a different way via the calf muscle action. The calf muscle often referred to as the second hear and why we are slowly dieing when sitting for too long.

I have been having a hard time in reddit as well with my researching and the like. Just like on the foot path when people can sense you having a hard time, then pounce to quickly invalidate. Today I deactivated my reddit account. It's just too toxic to be in - at least for someone like me.

I sing off with this clip Sal: The walking I think will help me sleep tonight.

I do hope your feeling better as well. I have been reading :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=720L...pp1o8D-l6iWhDF

Day 17 increasing out door exposure with walking 2 hours a day every day form this point on. I have done it before and know how to pan it out. I also know the rewards and how quickly they can come in terms of eating healthy and healthy weight loss. Other than that I am dealing with procrastination.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ponder

Getting ready to for bed. Bit late but could be worse. Almost 9:30pm. Since I am making an effort with food it only goes to reason I should do it with my sleep patterns. Walking the footpath really sucks with skate boarders not moving over and that kind of thing. Trying to remain indifferent in a positive way is pretty hard when just starting to get out. Is hard not to reflect back the negative behaviors of others who get off on attacking tired and weak targets. It is easy for those already succeeding and thriving to spurt out cliché phrases about the law of attraction ... Laughs Out Loud. Sigh ... They can be as much a drain as those not prepared to give way to pedestrians.

Alas ... I will work it out like I used to. Look ahead, cross the road to avoid such interactions. I'm just going to have to work it out. Riding the bike has advantages in this regard but walking is what I feel I need to get on top of my fitness for where I am at. It pumps the heart in a different way via the calf muscle action. The calf muscle often referred to as the second hear and why we are slowly dieing when sitting for too long.

I have been having a hard time in reddit as well with my researching and the like. Just like on the foot path when people can sense you having a hard time, then pounce to quickly invalidate. Today I deactivated my reddit account. It's just too toxic to be in - at least for someone like me.

I sing off with this clip Sal: The walking I think will help me sleep tonight.

I do hope your feeling better as well. I have been reading :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=720LQ25GJZY&list=PLV1WuGhvuHE81F0ZTGKpp1o8 D-l6iWhDF

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Thank you so much ... I felt like I was walking with you and you were talking to me. Do you know I've not walked with another person in years and years. Only a few people offered to walk with me and I'm too nervous around people and stumble. Ha .. I didn't used to be this way, but, oh well. I've forgotten how to casual conversation and just pointless small talk doesn't interest me. Also been quite some time I've gone into the street, but I will, because I miss it. Yeah, procrastinating to. Not that I mind at all walking by myself and my inner self which I sort of externalize into another person. My therapist said this is okay so long as I don't lose myself and I'm still in the drivers seat. Hard to explain. I'm just nuts; really :D

I closed my reddit and Quora quite some time ago for the same reason. Very toxic and ultra political now from what I see. I mean, people start talking about a game or new device and 3 comments down it turns into troll city. Yuck!

I know we're soft of limiting our places to interact with others and this place is just you and I at the moment. I do often think about Dahila; Gypsy; Kirk; Camille and some people that left us. Haven't yet written to Nicola at nmp because I would need a username change if I were to go back there.

Struggling with my sleep actually and losing time so that is good your working on that. Very good :)

Happy to do it again. I look at it the same way. Did you catch Day 17 a couple of posts back (I think you might of reading some of the points you mention) - I put some Jazz in the background for ya and was hoping you would like that.

Day 18 coming later but busy with my grandson who is a little ill at the moment. It's just me and him for now as my wife and daughter had to go to the city for a couple of days re hospital visits.

Thus I keep this short and will check in on those links you posted later. LOL at the joke. Hysterical that one. hehe

Yea it's tough re interactions and people today. It's not just us getting older Sal ... it is much bigger than that. There was a time where that analogy might hold, but fact is the way things used to differ between 1940 to 1950 to even 1960 at the base human interaction was a much much slower transition. It picked up pace a little between 1960 to 1970 to 1980 but going from 1990 to 2000 started to see more insanity in our culture as a human race. From 2000 to 2010 just more of the same and now 2010 to 2020 literally off the rails re human interaction. So it is that 2220 on onwards already into 2022 ... I rest my case. From that perspective putting on age limit on one's capacity is just one variable among so many others that it hardly counts. Not even the young one know who to interact as humans. At least not as humans did a mere 50 years ago. Totally different human race. I came into this world not even of that time I entered.

I wonder if you can understand what I am saying? I hope you do. Failure to interact on this current level where people are at is not something we should account as one of our faults. I much prefer people who do NOT fit in.

Gotogo ... Thinking of you and sorry I can't respond to all posts at this point. I will however for sure check out those links when I get a chance. I also try to fit in my Day 18 Vid ... I wont get out much over the next 2 days or if I do I will be too busy to record as my grandson requires constant watching.

Be well Sal - I am so totally on your level as I understand that to be. Perhaps no levels being the same but I hope you know what I mean.

Take Care

Back soon enough. Thx again for encarougment and I also encourage you to be and do what you feel is best for you. :)

Early night - going to settle my grandson and help him heal. Might pop back when he is asleep but doubt it. Think I will watch some Netflix laying in bed with him. He is co-sleeper and we are fine with that. Too bad if others are into letting these kids self sooth. Sign of the times they way they come up with these BS terms. Calling people helicopter parents is for people who care less about their kids and more about themselves.

Got to go. here is Day 18 video.
Bluetooth headphones did not work - Audio is crap but will have to do. I at least logged in another day and still eating clean. Excuse the tear in my shirt. Is what it is when I care less to go out and enjoy relaxing in my own home. I leave all that exterior BS for those out in the street. Feeling better but worried I might catch my grandson's illness. Hope not. Here's to him getting better over night. I manage to keep he temps down all day.

I go see to him now.

Take care and sorry for poor quality vid.

OMG ... that was so cool! I have a huge vinyl record collection and enjoyed that music very much :)

Thank you for your concern about the noise outside. Yeah, The lady down the hall was so scared and the new fella that moved in downstairs was saying it was scary. I talked to him and he is so sweet, maybe 22 and trying to manage here. Mentality of like 12YO and he described the machine (mulch machines) as caterpillars that suck up things. Ha. I did go outside that day and it helped somewhat, but I can see how it would seem scary.

Hope your grandson gets better and sometimes 24 hour virus, but need to wash hands and just be cautious.

Hope you enjoy Netflix and sleep.

I will write more later tonight after I watch your progress. Gosh I remember day 2 and 3 and now day 18. I hate to say this, you said you though you wouldn't make it had you continued that way you were, I think you saved your own life. You look healthy and bright.

I hope the new guy downstairs is not vulnerable to any outside influences. Thus far I think you have only spoken positively about the complex you live in. I hope he will be ok. Let's also hope that now its been a little time since all that noise happened that nothing new starts up just as you guys have recovered. LOL - as is always the way. Perhaps not always but yea. What's the ambient street noise level like? Something you get used to and or work your own routine around? Is the road narrow or wide outside and what's both the pedestrian and traffic noise like during its peak? Is your street near any main artery or used as a short cut? I'm hoping you are used to it whatever it is that and you don't have too many noise makers in your actual complex. I think I remember you saying it was good like that?

Yea man - I was in chest pain territory for sure before eating clean. Fact is I still have to be careful as there are many stores where something comes loose in the arteries when on a comeback going hard with exercise after letting one's self go for so long. That's when you easily end up having heart attack when exercising. More meaning I am in that category right now if I go too hard at this current point. That is where water fasting can be great for later on; once you lose that weight. I really need to lose the toxins stored in my fat before water fasting as then I will be able to water fast much longer. Due to compromised organs my body shuts down much quicker than other fasters when doing water only. I do love the water fasts though. I feel like a million bucks after doing one of those and food is so much more vibrant ... even the chemically soaked kind. It really is a shame that Fresh Organic Produce in only unaffordable for most. I guess that may depend on where you live OR even if you can afford it, finding a good shop that has enough range of nutrients can be hard. I've seen a few places start up but like variety when it comes to peoples diets. The only one organic outlet that has lasted is more people are wealthy to boot and even then they do not give you a choice but a box with whatever comes. That to me is not good enough. I have varied tastes ad like to have a choice in what comes.

All that said, it's still better to eat fruit and veggies even if they are much more lacking in vitamins and minerals as well as still imo toxic no matter how much you wash them. Fact is, that danger of eating processed food, salts, sugars, process oils and yadda yadda is going to kill one quicker than non-organic veggies. The latter do not get stuck in your system and despite today's depleted soils - still have some iota of Vits & Mins in them. If you eat a LOT of them and do it a certain way (not over cooked - mostly raw and slightly cook) then yea - can be still way better than what you find in refine pills. Walking is the next best thing and whilst I hate to say it ... a certain level of metabolic resistance training - BUT - I take out the word training as I am really done with the term exercise as is now administered in today's society. LOL - just another form of toxicity that does more to damaged the body when view as such. Those that don't see that now, will in their later years. Just another thing that feeds the conveyor belt of the medical industry.

OK OK - enough ranting ... it does help though to keep me on track and find a new gentler path the is going to stick. I have a good plan this time around so that I can include some routine with a little body resistance to speed things up a little bit but NOT going to over do it. My balance ball arrived today which will provide me a good base of remedial exercise where my shoulder is concern. I doubt I could do a sit up or even a pushup with it. :)

Yea man - Day 19 today and Day 20 tomorrow. I'm not into goals setting because of how toxic that feels to me with the NDIS scheme I am on. I told the new coordinator that yesterday at our first meeting. I don't think she understands. I also told her that outside of my shopping for groceries, mental and wellbeing appointments, including GP, Scans, Hearing and Optical visits and perhaps a couple more involving outdoor exposure at the most basic level that I have zero interest in reintegration into society as many of these government engineered goal orientated plans would have it. I have no idea what she wrote down when I put it to her like that but I am sure she will digest it either way. I am not sure that I ever will. I am very close to giving up all those supports once I get better but that is another story. I really do feel like the constant warranting and assessments on top of the reviews is a VERY TOXIC and DEMEANING HUMAN experience that keeps me unwell. I will never change my view on that. In fact I often find the process traumatizing where it is only the carrot on the stick that keeps my in the loop. There is something not right about that. I feel it in my being that I am on the mark with my own assessment on such and I really want to get off the NDIS because of how toxic the admin is and the impact it has on people such as myself. I have been asked to write express as much to one department that deals with human resources on some kind of government scale but I just feel like I would be pissing in the wind. I may or may not do it. Still thinking about it. Perhaps when I am feeling better and before I decide to extricate myself.

As long as I get to keep the basic disability pension which I am pretty certain is guaranteed. I would not be leaving because I am no longer permanently affected (their language is so binding and meant to be that way) but because the system as they currently have it for neurologically and mentally challenged ('stressed' a more fitting term) is more determinantal than what the carrot on the stick really has to offer. The system really is more economically focused beyond those they promote their services too which is why they view the schemes as insurance based. The interactions with disabled people are all based on legal language that adheres only to set goals of an obligatory nature where any deviation will see a client reduced but more so in that very process dehumanized being more my point. You see, they continually pressure people to keep using services based on financial reasons or otherwise your plan will be reduced. This just happened to me again yesterday during a meeting. It really is hard to explain beyond what I have expressed thus far but I will put my finger on it and submit it to whomever is claimed to be the one consider such thoughts - BUT - I think in the end I can be more than what they make me out to be. They say they have the same aims, but it is very much undermined by the way the administer and sell their goals which they say are mine. It could not be further from what makes me me.

Like I say - as long as I can afford rent, food, a rood over my head and perhaps a connection to the web as is now considered a vital connection in terms of how we are socializing on this level ... I think I want to me that my goal. There is far too much on this scheme on am on that is very demeaning and inhumane. Your become more a product rather than a client that is human. Their policies and producers are ruthless in this regards.

Righto - time to go see how the little guy is. Tamps still under control but still has sore tummy and slightly warm.

Catch up later.

Just a quick one,

He is doing much better now Sal. He helped me with some food prep, brightened up and ended up taking in a bowl of slow cooked porridge and coconut sugar. The latter the lessor of two evils. :)

Hope your day / evening was also better?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ponder

Just a quick one,

He is doing much better now Sal. He helped me with some food prep, brightened up and ended up taking in a bowl of slow cooked porridge and coconut sugar. The latter the lessor of two evils. :)

Hope your day / evening was also better?

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That is so good to hear - I'm doing ok I guess. I slept a lot today and ate a nice soup dish as well. Not exactly that most healthy as is was potato and bacon stew ... haha :)

I figured I'd offer a hand for others that may want to join us here from the MSFN forum. Perhaps around the holidays people might need support or want to talk with us here anxiety or no anxiety. I'd like to say we're just a normal group here, but I'm glad to say I wouldn't want to be anything at all resembling "Normal" in this world. We are real I will say that much and genuine people. I hope our little forum will pick up soon.

Gonna look for something on Hulu tonight as I've not looked in a while. Should check out shdder as well. I'll let you know if I find something worth watching.

You for sure let me know if you find anything worth watching. I know subject but do run it past me all the same. I would really appreciate that. I spend so much time looking these days compared to actually watching. Netflix can get depressing like that. hehe

Yea man, I here ya about a little more life in the forum. All the best with that and happy to oblige in an encouraging way and or bite my lounge when needed. Smiles.

If you don't mind, what is MSFN forum?

I installed Zoom Sal ... thinking about some groups online. What ones I don't know. I mean I installed it on my beasty computer before swapping to this one here. I will show this OptiPlex off in my next video. Could you please link your distribution of Linux if not too much trouble?

You made me hungry Sal ... Oh yea - maybe on my next relax day I would be open to making my own soup like that. I am still eating red meat as well. Just no where near as much. I think moderation is good with some foods. Maybe one day I will get back to that level ... but will for sure have to be a dedicated off day that is not often kind of thing. May once every two weeks. Right now though, I am still treading myself as hard care addict in rehab. :) It's working thus far.

Sorry Sal - Just saw the MSFN post. I think I get it now. All good. I see how that goes before making an entrance or perhaps I should extend a welcome too? Sometimes when so quiet I feel like I am walking on eggs shells :) Glad your here to welcome like so. Good call! Is all we can do.

Because my other computer is tied up I am now using different thumbnails. In this one I show off my OptiPlex Computer.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sl...eep-in-bed.gif

https://i.ibb.co/wMkzNSJ/You-Tube-Th...280x720-px.jpg
*****EATING CLEAN *****

Family is home - going to take a few days break but will focus on my clean eating countdown for a bit. I am hoping the space will allow for others to come forward Sal. See what happens. Maybe I come back in a weeks time or thereabouts. You know where to find me. Feel free to use PM as well. I might even do so myself. ;)

Sure, enjoy your break and I'll message you later today just to say hello. Always good hear and see your doing so much better.

I've only messaged a few people on here all these years. Although I'm not shy posting, I am somewhat 1-to-1 chating. Really strange, had a few bad times chatting many years ago and I now have a phobia, I guess and never use the chat rooms. No chat apps at all on my computers since (maybe) 2013. I am very shy in real life. Timid.

I do love my OptiPlex and the Dimension; as well, they've have been with me thought so much. The Dimension forces you to take your time ... haha. I like your monitor too.

I'm still on Emmabuntus DE2 32bits (Debian 9 Stretch XFCE i686) actually, but I'm having trouble find the old link. Will look harder.

EDIT: I think this isi the link.
https://sourceforge.net/projects/emm...6.iso/download

Talk later :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ponder

I think moderation is good with some foods. Maybe one day I will get back to that level ... but will for sure have to be a dedicated off day that is not often kind of thing.

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Was going to ask if you could "Cheat" every now and again without trigger. I don't eat too bad compare to some, still need to improved and let up on sugar.

Hold that thought. I can't go anywherejust yet. Just had a dream that although is fading rapidly summed upquite a lot for me. This is going to be hard because of just how fast I'mlosing the grip. It was hard to make sense of but since I woke up (3:amfrom broken sleep) ... In the time I wiped my eye took a trip to take a pee, Iprocessed that dream rapidly with all kind of insights coming to mind andfigured I best make this post whilst additionally reminding myself why I ameven here.

The Dream:
Is spasmodic and has all the hallmarks but notthat which can be easily decoded by some book. Going to have to freestylethis one.

I ended up in a court room in what they call thedog box. I could not find my way after being directed to find my place asI was just too overcome with it all. Being lost as I was, I wasimmediately mocked by all attending, except the soul who ended up sittingbeside to me. Instead he gave me a hug to which I ask what it wasfor. He simply replied and said that "too many people have diedwhere we are sitting today." He too was lost and terrified.

I don't know man. I just step out of my dream for a moment to give much needed context to what's going on in my head whilst trying tokeep a bead on my dream. This one had too much in it that I think I needto keep.

So many people online keep telling me how to thinkand its all starting to take a toll as I shut down different accounts and nolonger want to participate online at any level. The amount of disdain Iam sensing in others is just over the top - even myself at times I find howeasily I am laughing with the masses at the most stupidest things. Likehow we all laugh at someone being scared because some guy hiding in a bushjumped forward and scared the shit out of someone. Those who do not laughalong on camera are quickly ostracized by the masses. In fact those fewtraumatized who our slower than others to conform quickly do so once theynoticed he camera. Again ... those that don't conform are quicklyridiculed by those caught up in the insanity of laughing at others whom givenin to fear. AKA YouTube videos Pranks and so on.

What I have just revealed is where we are as asociety and if you can't see what I am saying then that's OK - you just won'tunderstand what I am saying or where I am going. To be it worries me verymuch because as a traumatized human in the world I am one of the ones thatsenses such triatic are debilitating the human race. Yet it is being moreand more encouraged in the same way I feel under attack ... as I engage on Day 20 of giving up the drugs. Many will try to put the feeling of oppressionback on me by further demeaning me. Again is why I left Reddit and justrecently yet another place where the same thing was happening.

BACK TO MY DREAM: TRUST ISSUES
Before my mocked entrance into the court room ...out in the holding area I was with my wife and a few others all of whom whereon trial for one thing or another. Apparently my wife was havingrelations with another that cut deep into my soul. He too was in the roommocking and attacking me in one form or another. TRUST is the major themehere and it feeling ever so brutal being so close to home. This one acommon theme to dreams like many elements within the one I had tonight. Main issue there is not so much the broken trust as projected in my dream butmore that which exist in my so called waking life. As you know I sleep inmy own room and have been for years now. I have previously spoken aboutthe difficulties in that transition.

My wife too is extremely exhausted with hersomewhat terminal illness. Whilst they have drugs to help her corruptedimmune system, her disease comprised of something growing in her spinal columnthat slowly drains the life out of here with each passing day. For otherswith whatever level of her illness it can start more in the brain and work itsway down ... however that goes its about as debilitating as all my conditionscombined and I see it in her face and very being day by day. That saidshe does an awesome Job we our grandson where his safety in our care is whatkeeps us going less we fall victims to those conditions this world would haveus solely identify with. Of course is not so hard to disconnect when thephysiological impacts the physical.

At any rate the above explains well the lack of intimacy that I have chosen to continue living with yearafter year. To be sure there many ways of being intimate, but for me it'sbeen a HUGE hit with not being able to touch. I could care less for the sexbut admit like anyone of the flesh and addiction it too is always on my mind... but the major point here is I don't even get any form of touch which makesit extremely hard as I am a very touchy feely guy that likes the way Iam. I do not gel well with those that again, negatively turn the tablesand say all that is a needy thing purely resultant from a life time of abusesuffered early on. Whilst that can be an 'element' it is more often madeinto something it is not like people who flog doctrine to death to make theirown points to suite wrong and right whilst at the same time preaching how tolet go of ego. Think Irony and Insanity with how we are conditioned torelate like so.

Cont ...
Basically, to keep on track that lack of intimacy via touch, hug, soft hand on shoulder and so on (often pushed away on those rare times I try to connect like so) makes me slowly die over time giving way to depression and a host of other life draining symptoms that all manifest into the same a similar state of digitation as my wife. In some sense she may as well be the other played roll of the criminal next to me who was the only one to give me a hug whilst so lost and afraid - but due to her state and where she is at I would have to say minus that hug.

I would say the feelings of hurt I was enduring in the dream re my wife and this other projected threat by way of her having relations with another whilst I live as I do in my waking life also reflects the manner in which I am viewed by my wife. Sadly it is not much. Just another affected human who is not worth much in the equation. In fact, just viewed as another drain when not being utilized for making life more convenient. I am also doing this myself and I think we all do as we lack the energy. It is the current state of humanity. That said I love my wife dearly and will go as far as I can go with her. I'm just giving context to my dream to make sense of it and the world as I am in currently in it.

Moving On: Back To The Dream:

So with that realization taking place now, but as I sensed it in my dream - that threat and hurt quickly subsides as expressed above whilst I am now lead into the court room. Having been mocked as I made my way in not knowing what or what or where to go ... and after the other guy facing his own end quickly hugs me ... The judge gets up and approaches me.

He starts massaging my head whilst the court room drops to a deathly silence where I eventually drop to the floor face first suddenly naked.

Every one starts to laugh again. Reminding me about Youtube and how we are all conditioned in mass to laugh at people in fear. Yet it goes deeper than that.

A judge presiding over me in front of peer humans all mocking me. In fact it was after the judge returned to his bench and whilst I was laying face down naked face paralyzed with sadness more encompassed with confusion than imprinted fear, that the judge then proclaims that my falling to the floor after his charming was proof I was not normal like all of them. Thus I should continue to be ridiculed like so. I was told I was not even human and did not deserve he same rights as them.

I knew as he spoke and acted as he did that he was completely wrong and understood what was going on. I guess this is when the dream became a lot more lucid where I eventually broke the emotional binds and stood up and expressed just how I had in fact allowed him to induce a calming sensation as he stroked my head the way he did. I knew it was all a display as pretty much everything we do in this waking life is. Especially online. But make no mistake this story comes from what I experienced in my dream which was quite real to me and to be sure much of what comes to manifest in out subconscious relates to our waking moments as well.

So It was in all the intense overwhelming moments where I was lost, sad, confused with all the mocking and ridicule that I decided to allow myself to be put to sleep within the dream as it was all becoming too much ... yet I whilst I momentarily gave in to disconnect from the pain I was also lucid within said lucid dream. Often it is how I operate in my waking state.

I was more clear about what was going on than those being conditioned by the notion that if they too where found to be abnormal that it would be them laying naked, face down after being put to sleep like so.

My attempt to stand up for myself was met with more ridicule where it was then that I actually woke up and got out of my bed and proceeded to ponder how I would remember as much as I have. More happened to be sure in the beginning and throughout but I think I have covered the essence quite well.
_____________________________________________

I take a break now. There is much taking place in here with how I be and how overs typically interact in other places online. Just like my wife I too am finding myself more and more weary with this somewhat pathetic existing known as mankind. I won't be silenced ... I intent to keep writing so whilst now feeling there is something that wants to silence me ... I feel I should not.

So scratch the idea that I am having a break. Yes I am back and forth all over the place with said statements but is how it is. Day 20 off the drugs and playing my cards as they have been dealt. There is so much to be gained in this last attempt I make to live a little longer. I think it is best said like that.

I also think that the video my mother sent me about kids being adversely affected by the corvid vaccine has also affected me. Especially at a time my grandson is sick. There was more to it with more people losing their jobs and others their lives as a result of the CV vaccines. Whilst I don't doubt it, I replied as best I could saying that I don't trust anyone in this world point blank but I could respect everyone's take and feel deeply for all involved. That I have taking the first vaccine under great duress and not happy about current controls. That in that manner I would also more than likely allow myself to be injected a second and third time but not sure after that. For me that will be the middle ground of compliance for compliance sake but will more than likely come a time that I will not allow myself to be injected continually and if it means I get sick then that is also ok but then there is something that tells me I will also most likely not get sick ... yet none of it really matters to me as I see a far far more sinister plan going on that whilst has been going on for our whole existence, that it is winding up quite fast and that in the end this life is not what so many make it out to be. That is is OK to no longer want to be in it.

Only then at such a point can we then make either really let go or not.

That's a wrap ... I see if I can sleep otherwise I go for a long walk.

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz This is why normal people will never understand me and that is 100% OK with me. I'm just over laughing at others in pain and whilst on the surface appear to conform ... am far from it. Yet my non compliance is a work in progress not to live in resistance as to do so only feeds the demons that wish to judge us.

Knock me out, put me to sleep but I will never fall for this web of description in which we all live. It is the same with the white light, life review and all that BS - I'm not buying that either ... yet I choose not to believe any would be story that claims whatever. They all amount to the same thing; suffering.

I do what I can to just not be in so much pain and connect with only those few who feel and understand as I do. Not going anywhere and not going to be silenced.

You think this is overthinking? Thinking has nothing to do with what I just experienced. It was and is as it was and is. The whole matrix deal is looking pretty close for me at the moment ... but that's too complex for most humans today to even consider. Takes too many characters to decipher. God help those that even try to express anymore than a few lines of text.

Laughs out loud ... re normal mindsets on that front.

Whatever.

I'm awake ... sun is up ... going for a walk. FTW as in Fuck This World ... I will continue coming off the drugs regardless of how lonely at that is proving to be. I think giving up most of the things I mentioned recently may be a good thing. This world only wants us to be chained ... The drugs no longer work for me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by salvator here

Was going to ask if you could "Cheat" every now and again without trigger. I don't eat too bad compare to some, still need to improved and let up on sugar.

---

Just saw that after posting my dream:

I wish I could Sal but the answer really is NO. (sorry I don't mean to be loud but just have to affirm like that often now when confronted all the time in my house with others continually taking is stuff I am still struggling with - that is all) I am an addict. It runs very deep within my family. I am truly as prone to all sensory issues as I ever was as a chronic alcoholic. The best way for me is very much like an ancient monk living in the hills. Metaphorically speaking when in rehab mode.

The cheats I use have to be different and any attempt doing so is a very very thin line and I really can't afford to take another fall, lest I find myself laying naked face down on the floor paralyzed in the insanity of it all. The latter a reference to my dream.

Yea man - you have a good hold as I have read your eating habits and very pleased you are seemingly in control of it. Not easy to do at all. My sensory issues as plays into labeled conditions are deeply ingrained when it comes to any form of heightened experiences. Hard to explain. For not I continue as is like the monk in the hills. :)

I go for that walk now that I just said I would.

Hope you are having a good evening. Chin Up and a little smile in moving on.

Not going to edit because taking the time is just not appreciated by most reading who often then tell me I over think which I find insulting. This time I leave all the above with all its defects. Srry for the inconvenience. I will in other posts ... but that needed to fly as is. Adios.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by salvator here

Sure, enjoy your break and I'll message you later today just to say hello. Always good hear and see your doing so much better.

I've only messaged a few people on here all these years. Although I'm not shy posting, I am somewhat 1-to-1 chating. Really strange, had a few bad times chatting many years ago and I now have a phobia, I guess and never use the chat rooms. No chat apps at all on my computers since (maybe) 2013. I am very shy in real life. Timid.

I do love my OptiPlex and the Dimension; as well, they've have been with me thought so much. The Dimension forces you to take your time ... haha. I like your monitor too.

I'm still on Emmabuntus DE2 32bits (Debian 9 Stretch XFCE i686) actually, but I'm having trouble find the old link. Will look harder.

EDIT: I think this isi the link.
https://sourceforge.net/projects/emm...6.iso/download

Talk later :)

---

Sorry I missed this one. Was kind of distracted when I woke up after my weird dream.
Things are not always as they seem but is good not to dwell on the things that drag us down. Forget about what I said as last night I realized I probably need more journal more than I think. Sorry to be such a scatter brain.

CHAT ROOMS - I guess have their place but not something I myself have gelled well with in the past as can at many times end up a liver version of Reedit. lol Yet - they can have their moments. For some the postings back and forth with time in between is a better option whilst for others the frivolous nature of instant communications is more entertaining, relaxing and or more personal if one can beleive they are dealing with the real McCoy on the other end. At other times we can be more ourselves Vs that in our own homes or out on the street and most certainly Vs grinding the mill.

Just reading now - looks like is will fly beautifully on this computer.
I think I will install it straight to HDD as the windows crack I am using is out of date and I'm now getting pop ups on this particular PC. Whilst I have an up to date windows install USB I will for sure install this and give it a go.

I really appreciate you finding that link but think I will find the 64bit version with an online install guide to HDD using refus.

I opted to go with this one → Emmabuntus Debian Edition 4 – 64 bits (Debian 11 XFCE/LXQt amd64)
Going to use this Install Guide

Update have downloaded Iso and Rufus with USB formatted and on the ready. Will have to install after todays windows gaming session with a friend than let him know I am going Linux!!! lol - generally don't use exclamations. All good - he will take a sigh of relief when I get my water cooled PC happening again. That said I do intend to keep the Linux on the side for a number of dedicated operations. Sal - your going to be my Linux IT from this point. LOL Just kidding but I may ask a couple of questions in general though.

O oH ... Just realized its an AMD focused file. Something I do not want. Going to have to search for a Linux distro that is not Intel Biased. Lest I run into all kinds of compatible issues or simply just not as stream lined for intel. Which is what yours is but 32bit.

Technically, i686 is actually a 32-bit instruction set (part of the x86 family line), while x86_64 is a 64-bit instruction set (also referred to as amd64). From the sound of it, you have a 64-bit machine that has 32-bit libraries for backwards compatibility.
Having trouble finding an intel version that is 64bit and 'not' AMD.

Currently searching on the following with no luck this far.
Emmabuntus for intel 64 bit

I might go another distro Sal.
I messed up the specs on this computers when I said it was a single core when instead it is a 4 core / 4 threads. I have so many computers that I bought. I feel the need to differentiate the charity PC venture that I have kind of given up due to NDIS scheme sucking the life out of me. Long story but those computers are generally older again and I don't use the personally. Other peoples junk we spend time fixing that many in the community later disrespect because they think they are getting something brand new. Another reason I have backed off. Is like a slap in the face spending so much time making a piece of work that others do not appreciate. You have a good thing going with how you are making yours last so long.

OK - back to my dilemma with Emmabuntus. It really is made for older computers than my optiplex 990 but more so because I have upgraded with comparatively up to date parts for it's time.

CPU: ... Intel® Core™ i5-2400
Total Cores 4; Total Threads 4; Max Turbo Frequency 3.40 GHz; Intel® Turbo Boost Technology 2.0 Frequency‡ 3.40 GHz; Processor Base Frequency 3.10 GHz

RAM: ... 16 GB Dual Channel DDR 3 Ram 1333Mhz

GRAPHICS: ... 2GB Dedicated Low Profile NVidia GeForce GT 1030

HARD DRIVE: Seagate Barracuda 1TB 7200rpm SATA 6Gb/s Cache 64MB

______________________________________
I'm going to match up those components to a recommended distro base on my main parts as listed above and go from there. I need to avoid AMD and go with something more compatible (less conflicts) to NVidia 64bit Quad Core (although only second generation but still somewhat higher than the Emmabuntis perquisites)

Wish me luck - might have to pick between Ubuntu and Linux Mint.

Just joined
https://i.ibb.co/vDvgKmb/Linux-dot-ORG.png
Momentarily. You can be sure I won't last long in there. lol

Will add my specs and see what others recommend with X,Y & Z in mind.

Soaked for 24+ hours and now ready to be dried. Home Activated Nuts in a Way you can Trust. Much more processable without all the unwanted factory traces elements. Otherwise best left for birds to digest. lol. On that score I notice a huge difference. The goodness gets in further without all the antinuritrant. Sorry ... I did say I would not preach. ;)

https://i.ibb.co/59J0PFt/20211215-110027.jpg

I am deleted my own link above because you do not need to see that shit. Deleted post due to unhelpful crowed by having to sepll out the BS - They do not allow for original post to be deleted. Obviously thrive on drama. Just playing World of Tanks with long time trusted friend who says it was the reason he gave up Linux. I really put a lot of effort into my post which was rather concise for the technical level involved but in typical fashion most just come back referring you onto irrelevant links and telling you to go to read. So it is that I deleted my thread and basically told the moderator who was holding most of my responses back outlining the above that I did not have time for said BS game.

I'll persist but won't interact on a community level. Nothing has changed with that crowed either. Waste of space and just another drain.

Having a bad day but have started working on my GPU water-cooling project. I fear I should of not gone anywhere near those 'people' over at Linux. Fuck them.

I hope I don't fuck up my graphics cards. Here's to what comes next.

https://i.ibb.co/Gv8CKcT/20211215-144711-1.jpg

:)

Sorry about the foul mood re the Linux forum. That really fucked up a good portion of me day. I recovered by completing the first step to my water cooling project. Took the other half of me day. Pretty happy with the clean Job I did as getting after using a magnifying glass I could see a lot of residue from the thermal pads and thermal paste on both sides of the circuit board that needed to come off. Results are bellow. I left out most of the steps as I don't have my photoshop working on this computer just yet.

https://i.ibb.co/PcDjHGL/STRIX-RTX-3...rcut-Board.png


https://i.ibb.co/CWyF7Fx/STRIX-RTX-3...rcut-Board.png


https://i.ibb.co/d06gx5Y/XG7-STRIX-T...ater-Block.png

I am still a little worried about this water block as it was missing quite a few thermal pads when putting it back on. I specifically asked if I my card would require backplate pad to which they said no. It was pretty clear to me during the install process that I did. Yadda Yadda. I'm already still messed over the Linux forum so not gong to beat myself up any more. I can underclock the card to avoid any major or permeant damage when doing early tests. I'll run it underclocked if its not up to the job and change it for a more suitable block some time in the coming months.

Next job is to do a complete break down of my other case and start transferring all the parts in tot he new case then prep it for the water tubing measurements ... install pump and reservoir + radiator. That will most likely take me two day.

I'll see if I can get photoshop working in the mean time. Thus far have been using online photo editing sights to get by.

I best go for a walk to calm myself as the recent break to my routine has my head spinning.

Yet to get my Day 20 Vid down, dinner and a few other things.

Still on track. I'll work out the Linux install later on Sal. Gong to take more time as unable to communicate in those forums.

Twenty Days Of The Drugs!!!

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/ne.../fireworks.gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNf7_s77i28

so happy and proud of you. I'm reading today and have read all above.

~Edited and moved to my thread.

Yeah, Linux is something I do enjoy and I do use Ubuntu 16 and Lubuntu 18 (old) too, but, really, not sure I could use it as my 'daily driver' and windows is just where its at for me. That doesn't shock me that the Linux forum is toxic. Just MSFN for me as far as computers/tech goes. Nobody would want me anyway. Still have not written to Nicola and I do miss the people, but was becoming a drain some days. Looking at other forums and I don't at all like what I see to be honest out there and some forums are trigger city for me.

I'm very glad to have you as my friend here. Miss some other people that have left.

Sorry my friend to be a downer on you, but I read everything and can relate to more than you know.

There is not turning back and the drugs will only poison us (which is what "they" want - to kill ourselves) We can't Can't! Refuse! Yes; same here, I can not cheat even 1 sip and I'm done like dinner.

PS: You delicious healthy foods are so inspiring and helped me today to want to put better things into this shell of me.

Thx Sal - definitely helps to have support. I wish there was something I could do for you?

I really hope you get back into the Needlepoint Stitching.

https://i.ibb.co/6XCLrc6/1.png


https://i.ibb.co/tctTb1H/2.png


https://i.ibb.co/RpSx6j2/3.png


https://i.ibb.co/NTGrMRR/4.png

Another Dolphin one → Here

Seem to really brighten up the place and after watching a quick video seems relaxing once you know what to do. Even just looking at kits to select seems like a nice past time : ) ... The scope for creating a theme and the like. Don't give me ideas Sal ... But yea man - I really think this would be a good thing if you could somehow budget for it?

Understand the edit and moving around of text. All good. I was thinking about your situation pretty much all morning and sending the best vibes I could. You can be as heavy as you need to be around me at any time. Yea is best to avoid those triggers when we can. I miss some of the others too. People change, move on. Some stay the same and move on. Some may pop back and other may not. I'm just glad your here. No one is holding anyone back.

Narrr Man - not at all. Not a downer in the slightest. I'm glad you understand just how powerful the addictive nature can be. I senses you already knew given your own admissions re struggling with the drink and all - but now having put that one to rest. A+++++ on that.

Hehe - glad your able to get something good out of my ramblings and shares. Lately I am into finding quick dishes that are still healthy as I just seem to be doing more each day and don't want food prep to take up all my time .. that said there are some preps that I am now finding more like a regime that I find myself relaxing during that process. Knowing not to struggle but embrace it and as I am getting better with the timing it's all becoming much easier despite and regardless of my clinical deprive outlook that lingers like so. That is getting slowly better with each day.

But enough of that - Seriously Sal ... do please consider getting into the cross stich / needle sticking. Looks really great and to have something on the wall that you did yourself makes it just that more healing. The scope for choice is amazing.

Take care ... just wanted to encourage you ... help lift you up from the hole you mentioned before. I totally get those feelings man and is no good for any of us to just leave the other hanging there. You're never heavy bro, never will be. I know each of us may feel that way at times but matters little how active this place is and how many others are in here as long as there is two or more reaching out with genuine intent ... that speaks volumes to just how crucial this place really is.

YOUR AWESOME DUDE ... start working out the funds and looking at some choices and show me when you have the energy what kind of images your considering ... also the kit to do the work.

Late man ... I go continue with some of my hobbies and show again a bit later.

I'm as equally grateful that we are friends as well and able to help each other in the way we do. That's what these forums should really be about.

Peace Out. ; )

22,600 Steps - 3 hours walking, over two bouts today ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5NAN9MjeUU

That sore throat I mentioned in my Vlog had me wake up at 1:30am. I slept for only four hours after falling to sleep around 9:30pm. It is very dry, scratchy and was somewhat painful when taking a breath upon waking up. At this stage there in no pain in my ears and swollen glands that I can tell. My room is somewhat dry and I've been in close prolixity to my grandson all thorough his own illness which still lingers. His was more stomach related however could still have something to do with it.

I've had two eucalyptus lozenges that felt more like balls of sugar. I was quite disappointed that I resorted to such given the last 21 days of abstaining from sugar. I'm just now boiling some fresh ginger and will add honey and let it cool. It does not help me to think of how often I am prone to dry sore throats when I factor in how my biological father died of throat cancer. It's not the type of cancer one would choose if they had to take a pick. Or so I have read which I better stop. Laughs out loud and ouch. I tried to stave it off over the last 24 hours with a couple of betadine gargles; but obviously to no avail.

No doubt the push to walk so far on top of my Grandson being ill, dry room, mouth breather and server deviated septum are all factors. The last two for me make sore throats a common recurrence which worries me being prone to what took out my bio-father. I feel for him as he lived a hard life - that I at least had in common with him. Many of my bouts do include sore ears and swollen glands a head of time but let's just hope those do not come into play for now.

I was suppose to go and get my second shot of the CV vaccine today but think I will have to cancel. The government just reopened the boarders and now we 'apparently' have cases of CV where the town is now all hyped up with mask waring and staring each other down. No an issue if you can switch off but I feel for people similar to me that find that hard to do. The puppets here often panic buy and purchase all the toilet paper. It's becoming quite annoying how easily the media make people panic like so. Fucking going out and waring a mask while I have a throat festering bacteria. Unfortanely I have eaten most of my fresh fruit and veggies. I'll have to settle for the lesser quality stuff when ordering online. It really peeves me how they do that every time. So much so that despite the social phobia I have been going out to get better quality food since eating clean. For now given the mask waring … I think I will resort to online until I recover from this sore throat. Hopefully it will not be a week long bout or even worse bring on flu like symptoms with the protentional to knock me down longer than a week as has been the case once or twice in the last year.

I regret all the text over a sore throat. I really detest this kind of illness as has the potential to go full blown more often than not from my experience. Drinking and smoking heavily for so many years kind of strip most of the hairs from the back of my throat. If only I could do it all over again. I think I'll switch the betadine to salt gargles, stick to fresh honey ginger tea, avoid the sugar lozenges - maybe ask my support person if they could swing by the chemist for better options. Again the waring a mask will only make my throat worse. Even when I am well I feel like I am suffocating with those things on. Have even gotten a sore throat from being muzzled like so.
______________________________

Enough self soothing ...

I have something fo you to consider Sal. If I again made my own forum (like I once did before) would you consider popping in from time to time? Last time you said you could not join another forum but I am not sure if you understood me. The forum was something I made form scratch. There was no-one else in it to facilitate the usual toxic draining banter that may have or may not have had feeling reluctant about joining any other forum. I'm getting to a stage once more that I do not like being here because I feel it is me that is holding others back even though I recently typed none of us are stopping anyone coming back or even new comers from posting. Starting my own can also enables removing people who post inappropriate photos and attack other forum users. Although seems we did a reasonable job at putting that to rest in here all the same. Thing is - I have no problem continuing to be so open, but think having a break form here whilst continuing to keep my online journals and post my videos without casting some kind of shadow.

Liked does logging into a new forum made by me lose appeal because you want don't want to post in two places given you may wish to be here in the hope you'll be here for that day when one of the others come back? Last time I left, I think a couple of others returned but even so the text about the forum was still about how inactive it was. Yet I did not a pattern of one or two stepping in whilst I had gone. Hence my line of thinking of taking up too much space in possibly a place best used by others. If I was to tackle my own space via some forum creation tool like I did before, it would be nice if you could at least feed back every once and a while. If not I guess I will accept it in time.

Sometimes I wonder if the reading activity here is mostly botted. I ponder the importance we place on feedback like so Vs coming to terms with being alone. I sip some more on that and hit enter as I am starting to feel a slight improvement with my pain and just digest this decision openly a little more in my next post ... very shortly. :)

Further contemplation on moving space, at least in the interim to who knows what may take place I now continue with.

Previous disconnects I have inadvertently encountered in this forum here coupled with my endurance to keep an online journal is the essence of that cast shadow I have been referring to. Adding to that, much of the stuff I write about is often in stark contrast to main stream/cultural way of living. Hence a level of alienation that naturally takes place when I open up without any filters. Filters a very big reason why I do not fit into society, yet the need for filters I view as more destructive and antisocial than what others would make of me. At least in terms of what really makes us human Vs wannabes. The concept of filters I get but for me society uses all the wrong kinds when it comes to keeping things clean. You only have to stand back and take a glace to see that.

Alas my point is I've been holding myself back whilst in turn not wanting to hold others back. I am sensing this is not healthy for me in the long run. I got too much on the go right now but it is my intention to at least see how long I can last back on my own, however again ask you to consider popping in from time to time for continued support. I'd be happy also support you by popping back in here if you find yourself unable to take such a big step, and it is. Validation is so strong in all of us and something not easily understood at its core. Like I don't know but the more I acknowledge that much, the more I surmise the important of self validation in it's truest form.

Recently I made a reference or expressed a dislike to the term 'self sooth' often used by parents that excessively shell out the term helicopter parenting whilst they prefer to leave small children laying huddled in a corner learning to deal with their own emotional problems. I then went on to say how such a parenting style was very convenient in a world that thrives on convenience. Rejection a major issue for those kids as they expected to grow up before their time in a world acts like spoiled kids. All those unhelpful response in the technical forums I recently experience with the deactivation of various 'communities' is based on the same disease where we are all more prone to trigger each other rather than help.

Nearly 4am - getting tired again. I'll do my best to get another 3 hours sleep.

Perhaps a word press Blog is easier and more accepting of my perception and concerns regarding taking up space as I have expressed. Also much easier for you to comment if you so wish to continue supporting. Here's to a quick recovery regarding my sore throat. May I weather well what is to come next.

Peace out.

Yes ... will reply in full detail to your postings and regarding the continuation here. I view our forum as 'once was' and we are in purgatory on life support. I don't think we are holding anybody back, I just think people don't like forums as much, as you say, world press and other social media is sexier to the younger generation. I do feel old at times. Yeah, that was really weird with that trolling the last few months and I highly doubt people after reading that would want to join here. To be honest. Once that happens the damage is done. And I DO get it, I realized it could be award (I'll go with that word) that visiting here when past friendships and connections are no longer there. Besides even if I join a new forum, my writing style and personality is so distinct that just in 2 sentences would give it way. Let me think about some things. Yeah, think its just bots here, really now. Sort of makes me wonder whom was even real.

Hope you sleep better and I really will write later.

No need to reply and hope you feel better. Sometimes sleep is the only answer :)

I'll just be going a personal Blog where personal friends can pop in and visit. Forget it being about a forum if that helps. If I were to make it a forum it would of just allso been more about us anyways but with tbe ability to stop the trolling. If your not feeling comfortable in switching (is not about changing who we are) I will just blog instead hoping you may consider popping in the comment section.

My preference is for the relocation option and not just any forum. You can have admin rights yourself to change or remove anyone else.

But I understand if your prefer not. In that case I just move onto Word Press.

I think your analysis is dead on. If anyone picked up this forum in our absense, I am certain it would have the same vibe as the rest just not the traffic. And yea, I think the last trolling session was to sabatage as they did. Not having the ability to boot is what I want to change.

You can name it. Lol

I am still in bed. Srry for typos.

I also will reply later to better explain.

Remember when someone popped into my other thread and said 'Dave has potential,' The truth is I'm already there. We all are. The way in which connect is so much more important with the latter doing less to hold me up compared to your own tact which is quite a gift. I will miss that if our connection it lost - but hey, no pressure. Chuckles cheekily. Just kidding. I am sure you will always have that no matter where you go. Whilst some of us have drifted apart, others have grown close together, yet the reality is nothing lasts forever; or does it?

It takes a lot of effort in this changing world to reconnect at that level in which we thrive being ourselves and allowing others to be. No contrasting, measuring and or judging. I'm guilty on all those counts but do wish I could be less human as humans today be.

I got go once more as my ride and support is turning up. I just found out that the masks at this stage is just a recommendation not mandatory ... but most likely be mandatory later today. In that case I am going out to get fresh food and medicine while I can.

I mean not to be an alarmist with my intentions re wishing to move - I only wanted to try my idea if only momentarily. I would rather more private with even less traffic but with the possibility of more people like you and me actually starting to participate.

As for the age factor ... there are plenty of oldish folk like us also subscribing to this world new wave of being. Yet to be sure age in terms of knowing what was once does impact the degradation of today's society. That does not mean we can't still carve out our own sanctuary for anyone of any age.

All we would be doing it moving ourselves, being ourselves with the ability to get creative in a new space just as open as it is here.

I'm pretty sure I can get bots reading us as well. lol

I mean to post as many times as one wants without having to worry about taking up space is also a plus.

once more go to go. Back later ... but already feeling much freer thinking about it like that.

Relocating ... don't have any place at the moment other than my videos but will link up like I did last time in the event someone is actually real that has been following along. Have no idea what comes next or even if I will land back in here as I have previously done many times before. I kind of hope not. More meaning I would of found something more in line with who I really be. Perhaps best explained in my parting vlog. I'll pass on a link if and when I get one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bPavCcmqpQ