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Glad you like it. Hope to find another like it later in the day. Please excuse me next Vlog entry as I make my way through day 2. Massive headaches and little sleep but I am doing my best to perk up.
https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.pngDay 2
Not much else to report as I am 100% focused on getting through the next few days which will be the worst of it pain wise.
Turns out that stopping either both coffee and sugar on their own can cause major headaches. I was into both quite heavily before stopping. No wonder I am struggling with intense headaches. That said, so far so good. Last bout I did this I was still feeling it heavily on Day 3. I can't remember how active I was then but I am guessing it was more than now. That fact combined with hard hard I have been hitting all the wrong beverages and foods, I expect Day 4 might see me still in the intense withdrawal phase.
Yawns ... ZZZzzz Has to be done! I don't like using exclamations marks these days, but figure I will have to pull a few out for the next couple of days.
That's a wrap to my day. I'll wrap up day two as monumental achievement. Just as day 3, 4, and so on will also be.
I seem to be on top of things thus far. I have no idea where this will lead but have a good inkling of where I would like to take it. Not something I am going to waffle on about at this point. That being still a fragile one. I had a surprise visitor pop through my door while just starting my Day 3 Vlog. I often put him on camera while he makes his own version of what he watches re Minecraft YouTube Vids.
Surprise visitor:
https://i.ibb.co/DrD5C6p/Snap-Shot-Joey-Pop.jpg
Keeping it short until I have more energy:
Still very much in the early stages - basically akin to drug withdrawals. Not funs stuff - but the fruit to bare I know well enough. I just focus on that. See you on Day 4.
https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.pngDay 3
I am struggling somewhat this morning but as has been typical of me I will push through because I know when I have had enough of one mind track Vs another. I've really let myself go so far that this time that the pain of living as I have been, is as comparable to the detox journey itself. In that light I really have nothing to lose to pushing on through.
I remind myself I am my own audience but the way I behave is very much influenced by what I allow myself to perceive. This dynamic like many others is not so black and white. It takes a certain level where you can watch different things without being negatively impacted as one may have been before. Whilst I am thinking in terms of how we are all conditioned in todays world with out phones, tablets, TVs and Displays, the context also applies to what we see out our front doors. The way people act and behave without each other. That also affected be each individuals capacity and exposure to both outside and on their screens.
But to ground oneself is to see things in a different light, not be so easily led but also not trying to 'be' in control. That's a different take from taking control when the reigns have been clearly dropped and your heading for a cliff. Trying to be in control is more about being resistant to what is, Vs taking control to avoid obvious downfall. For me, taking control sees me gravitating to more meaningful content that adds something of worth to my life. During those more optimal times when watching less helpful content I will question more what is and why I am watching said content. I'm a long shot from being that way right now but that insight is starting to take place for me once again and I once more attempt to take control.
Like I know 'Just for Laughs' has actors reacting to setup situations or at least plants them where most of the time is can be all actors with a few genuine surprised passer bys. Perhaps they are all genuine - I really don't know anymore. That is kind of another point. But I understand the gist of the humor and allow myself a few good laughs regards of all the questioning going on in my head. The example the same for the Devil Baby I just posted about. Of course I understand there will be others who get caught up on certain aspects of a share due to all kinds of invested emotions, conditioning, culture and so on. Those aspects being many of the society's tentacles that I am personally working towards disconnecting from. It's a life long process and I'm not sure any of us every really get to remove ourselves. Yet, a sense of freedom can be had whilst living said the cage.
With the right mindset the bars grow wider where you can slip on through to another region that offers up new sensations that make living a little more worthwhile and or the waiting for one's end more welcoming. Either of those two versions depending where you are on life's journey. Whilst I chose not to beleive mainstream analytical consensus or in laymen's terms 'evidence based' findings, I will most certainly instead take 'my own' anecdotal evidence over such limiting and controlling fundamentals and decide how it is that I wish to live and die.
To be sure my minds immediately and sarcastically tells me, "Yea sure - that's exactly what you have been doing!" I simply remind it that I've had many bouts of enduring periods Vs suffering. I know for some, enduring amounts to the same thing as suffering. This is where my words may only be understood by a very few, but more important I understand and do so the more I tell myself like so. This is how I find meaning in a world where I see none. To find the desire to move when there is none. These aspects being from the well that I draw from to which I know is 100% counter to all the content prioritized by this advancing world's algorithm. I smile here because I know this talk meets with a lot of main stream resistance. I may even alienate myself further from those few connections I have made online and out my front doors. Not sever connections, but less contact be made as a result of the space into which I allow myself to enter. In fact that mainstream analytical consensus I mentioned earlier that reasons everything with so called evidence based data that is again 100% conditioned and influentially designed, see that anyone outside that pattern of thinking is pretty much on their own.
So it is of extra importance to me that I learn to accept myself fully. Accept the tings I cannot change and above all, accept my perceptions with all of the above in mind. There is really nothing deep about that. It actually makes a lot of sense of my intention is to disconnect. How to do so whilst still watching the screens before my eyes, whilst being in the world programmed as I know it to be has already been answered with the above.
I feel this comeback for lack of appropriate term, is the hardest of all I have been struggling with. I feel not just because of age combined with intensity of experience (although plays a huge part) but more so because of the increasing technological constraints and one's predisposed capacity making one very prone to losing one's self control. The infinity factor (looping/irony/constantly reoccurring/reliving) is that we are often told we suffer like so because we 'chose' this or that. This aspect of choice whilst on one hand said to be the holly grail to fining peace no matter what prison you find yourself in, is on the other hand used to reason why suffering exists to begin with. The latter I find more a convientant take as bitterly projected by many unhappy with their own circumstances and projected by controlling forces to protect the framework of their self interests. This dynamic ever present in all the concepts, stories and ideals ever read, heard or uploaded. "You agreed!" Now comes the sales pitch on how to break contracts you never knew you signed. This is not just a from of control used by new age cults but the same used in our local governments. Choice and Control is one of the most overused phrases in the National Disability Scheme I am currently on. A long time ago for me it used to be Obligatory Conditions as defined by the Government 'Newstart' Employment 'Services' in order to have a right to live. Be assured the last few words is pretty much what it all comes down to in today's existence as defined by today's society.
It's a value system which is nothing new. But the way in which it has panned out and where it is heading has not been the same. Whilst I embark on reclaiming my health, I only do so to minimize the pain of living in such a toxic world. What story learn towards at this stage it none other than my own. I now chuckle because whilst I repel from the way the likes of Eckhart Tolle are lifted and held, I do tend towards the giving up of stories. Especially the one about self. Yet this world could not be any more self centered than it is today.
Clearly I am not into the subs or likes here. Chuckles at that. Is what it is. I love tearing down this world in my own way. I hate it and everything in it. However, I am not wishing to be a part of its destructive ways. I'm careful not to personalize it with people in here or individuals out my front door. Live and let live ... makes sense to me. I'm just not seeing any people really living is all. There are plenty of profiles that attest to living it up and given just how much a profile means to all aspects of the above - I'm finding it harder to connect as more and more people are struggling to live under such constraints. The cost of so called winning in this world leaves behind a very long trail of so called losers. The energy from such plays into the economy that in context to my write up today, highlights the concept of obsolescence where humans today more at any other point in history, are as close to material things where the meaning of life is no more than to be siphoned off as commodities. The infinity factor (reliving) I present once more as no more than going from one slave based society into yet another one ... and so on and on.
Alrighty then ... I smile because writing like so is very much a welcomed escape and actually opens the cage door when viewing it like so.
Forgive me candor on the ending there. Just keeping it balanced and these insights need not be a drag. I personally find such insights key to moving on from an otherwise insufferable/intolerable world.
I did struggle when I woke up and perhaps a little fragmented in my morning Vlog - but feeling much better now ... looking forward to Day 5 - but content to live Day 4. :)
https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png Day 4
Hi Dave ... been reading and waching your vlogs.
Here for you.
Thanks Sal. Well received on both counts.
Forgive me as I need to write the following as no more than a means to squeeze a zit. That said I do hope this finds you as well as can be.
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I just finished replying to a rejection letter/email re support coordination. All I am hearing is that no one has the capacity. A term I think many of us in here know well. Yet when I hear it consistently from government agencies it all begins to lose meaning and or I try not to reason it for fear of giving into to destructive thinking. Since CV hit said agencies have struggled keeping connections on a level that counts which is why I am currently without support coordination. I had to terminate the last rep because they were simply not keeping in touch with either myself or most importantly, front line supports. Which means they really don't know much about my progress / status when it comes to writing up their own reports. Thus my perception of the program I am on starts to take a negative spin. This way of dealing with me confuses/frustrates me and leaves me feeling less of a human as well as highlights my musings on people as commodities.
I have no choice now but to contact the main centralized line and explain how my reputation proceeds me. "No one in the local area has the capacity for me." Of course I will not be as sarcastic as that.
This means I will no longer have a choice in who coordinates me or more concerning no way to be matched up. Matching up clients with workers who have an understanding in the area of presented conditions/challengers goes a long way to success as termed by main stream society. (Success is a tainted word for me and a huge irony in terms of how it's sold in society) I will end up having to deal with someone over the phone or purely online via email with someone who does not understand me. Unfortunately that kind of connection will not bode well and is destined for 'failure!'. (A word I know well) It's a great environment for complacency where these government workers can keep their distance and adhere more to the constraints of policy and procedures that are more designed for budget than they are for promoted goals. The last few years have been dictated by reduced funding where in that quest many individuals have themselves - been reduced. Incapacitated on the human level.
So this afternoon when my support person comes, we'll call up HQ and explain the difficulty and leave it with them. They will no doubt have me end up with some kind of belt driven agency which I will have to accept. What makes this all so hard is knowing what support coordination is. Also having had one for a few years that did her job so well and knew how to connect. So sad the people either burn out are are themselves reduced.
I only have a few front line supports. They have been with me between ten and several years. They'll let me know if support coordination is not assessing reports and instead of terminating this time around, I'll just remain a pain in their side just like what my kidneys are doing to me right now. Just going to have to play it smarter is all. ZZZZzzz Such a drain but getting a little wiser to my situation. You learn as you go where there is always something new to keep up with in terms of changing policies and News. The latter I do not watch. It is typically dictated to me through said supports. I'm fortunate though to have good people next to me. Client & worker matching is important to me. I won't stay long with people only in it for the money. Those type are easy to spot. I feel for them, but human services is not a good place to be if its only about that $$$. Yet we all know that true value of society.
This is why I really need to heal and disconnect from such toxic schemes but life as it is today in 2021 really is a struggle for me without some of the supports I receive. It's just a 'shame' what they make you go through to prove yourself worthy. Like I have said many times before "The process is designed to keep you broken" where there claims of choice and control that promote better living conditions is distorted by the way in which the admin delivers its schemes. These Government schemes are very much employment focused (winners) meant to drive the economy first and foremost 'using' broken people (losers) in-between. On the surface it looks like very utopian, but the reality is far from it.
Of course this take may give rise to those whom are doing much better to draw comparisons with 3rd world countries as a response to my conclusions/experiences. I've heard it all before through many group sessions and disgruntled government puppets; typically working only for the money. Or so called plain people just confused, upset and living in eternal resistance. In terms of human spirit I make my point stand. Far better to only have one carrot for three days but surrounded by people who better understand, than a quest for MORE based on millions of carrots on millions of sticks. I say fuck that shit and fuck the ideals that are conditioned to think like so. If you want to make such an augment, then sell all your things and send you money overseas, lest your reasoning have no meaning. Drop those millions of sticks but send those millions of carrots where you say they will do better? Instead authorities make that more of a charity quest tainted in all sorts of ideology. The same ideology that dehumanizes anyone not onboard regardless of geographic location. The problem with todays world is global and has been since it's advent in technology to which humanity has proven too immature to cope with. It weaponizes such things form machines down to schemes.
Alas I end this by making that phone call this afternoon when supported and be content with the carrots in my fridge. If people actually ate more carrots I think the world would have way less problems.
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Chin UP - I go do my Vlog as in keeping to my own plan which is far more important than following a bogus one.
Back soon ... thanks again for the well wishes. I have read you in turn and been listening to those tunes all the way through writing this. Thanks for your patience. Whilst going through this detox I need to write like so. I mean not to create waves. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/by...y-emoticon.gif
DAY 5 https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png Kidney Pain / Broken Anatomy / Ketosis ... Still going
Watching this right now ... got as far 2:53. Please know without question, I can relate. This is NOT about me. We are suffering from abuse there is no question. You mentioned drinking at the time, I also have fatty liver. Please not about me about you. sorry had to stop for tonight and I WILL respond in the AM. 8PM and there is nothing left of me and I've been curled up in a ball on my couch all day and thought it was Sunday.
I'll stick by you no matter what.
We will make it.
I have to convey I am unsure of what you mean in your second last message above. The part where you state 'not about me about you ...' But the fact you can relate regarding the alcohol I understand and yes sir, most certainly the abuse we inflict on ourselves (in this case) does last for life. I do apologize if anything I said was a trigger.
Can I ask what is going on Sal? Is it both psychical and emotional' pain ... or more one than the other? I only ask out of concern is all.
Yea - the pain bouts can't last for ever. I'm going to walk around the house a little.
I will try to stay awake my end. Hope your feeling a little better?
Just after 8pm my time. All good if your not feeling well or just plain caught up with something else. I'm playing those tunes again that you linked above. I generally don't do instruments like I don't do lyrics, but I am impressed with the sparingly and timely use of the keyboard in the selection you linked. I'm bang on 2 hours in. It took me about 40 odd or so minutes to complete this post. Enjoyably so. TY. Lovely tunes.
Finding direction???? Finding Strength???? ... and whilst I might next say finding peace, I think by the sounds of it - you and I may do well to settle for just finding less pain.
Take heart because regardless of what we try to do now to improve our situation, growing old will present as many challengers. Hmmm - not exactly a cheery thought but I did chuckle to myself then. Only way I can look at it.
My support person may have to have a back operation and is worried about his job. I've been very supportive not only because I don't want to lose him having had him in my life for several years, but because it sucks to see him in pain. Often we will have to sit when I am out walking or even out doing the shopping. He is worried about the impact he is having on me but I could care less as taking a moment to sit along the way is actually good for me as well. While he it enduring his pain and healing up for the next leg I am using those moments to find calm and think less. I guess the reason I bring him up and his challenges is to let you know I am not only concerned for myself. I do care about others.
So if you want ... take the time to fill up as much space in here as well. I don't mind at all how much text you want to use. Despite all my woeful projections of this shitty world I only share them to validate anyone else who may be seeing the same as I, yet like I say I do my best to later give some answers that may or may not help with bending those bars in order to escape. If only for brief moments. Sometimes that is all we need to better endure those things beyond our control.
I know I find this space in here and my attempts to be free quite healing despite the reality and sadness that often follows. Is all part of the process my body is going through right now. In here it is my mind that runs free, regardless of changing moods, dynamics, rants and outbursts. I always come back to what works. Been here since 2013 and still going strong. The good the bad and the ugly. :)
You have been here for quite some time as well. You have been just as consistent and honest.
I think there may be a chance my pain is subsiding. Its still here but that's OK. What happens happens. At least I got a better handle on it this time around.
Well my friend ... I am getting sleepy. It's been a whilst since I have been up till 12pm and 2am. I do seem to be going to be earlier and earlier and waking up earlier and earlier. I got up at 4am and ended up walking down the street at about 4:40am. I was trying to ease the pain. I still feel very self-conscious when outside but know it gets better with time. Slow steady cycling is better in terms of avoiding casual glances and most types of engaging. That is important to me. I pick up to easily on the energy of others as well as output strongly. I have to be in my own zone to work on my own levels of tolerance. I may present OK on camera but I have issues outside my zone, outside my home. I quickly become non verbal and or overly verbal, stutter, get confused then frustrated. That is why I have supports. Other reasons do include difficulties in sensory issues not always related to chronic complex PTSD. These thing all relate to past experiences and the damage done is not all about me ... what I have done re self destructive patterns. Those things typically spawn from seeds sown by others in our earlier life. Lets not forget those we have also sown. Regardless of that the end result lay with us regardless of blame. What we ourselves choose to do now is what counts. The damage is done either way. We live a pattern of reliving the cycle through continuing bad choices with different drugs. Not all so easy to identify yet there they are just as surely as we be no matter where we go, what we do, what we eat or drink. The very thoughts in our heads as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz yadda yadda ... more freestyling.
Yes Sal - we will make it in this life and the next. We already are just by being here and making do regardless of this weird arrangement that currently exists in this neck to the web. We create the worlds we are in. Your are a special being to participate in the way you have and do. That takes strength this place being what it be, whatever that is. Matters little how feeble we feel because your presence here is so much more than what bends our knees and makes us hit the floor. If you don't get up I will and you always seem to do the same when I am down. Then there are times we are both in tune and running well. We have done well here ...
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Now I go get some sleep. :)
Oh, I removed your name so you wouldn't get the notification and accidentally wake up if you are sleeping. About 10AM and I finally dragged myself out of bed. lately - from the bed to the couch - from the couch to the shitter and back to bed and so and repeat.Quote:
I will try to stay awake my end. Hope your feeling a little better?
Sorry I missed you and I read your entire posting.
To start, I sleep about 4 hours of quality sleep and do feel recharged for a change and life doesn't seem so bleak ( there's that perception thing again ... I'm feeling better despite that fact that everything is fucked up around me ) but I'll take it and try to appreciate it. I've been paying attention to my plant and he (I guess its a he Lol) seems to give me strength and my music together. Yeah, even a simply keyboard with the right cords (cord progression) can make a difference which is why I shared that with you and I"m glad you found it soothing.
I'll try to write more later today.
Well that is what friends are for too bad its hard in real life as people here are becoming awful and no compassion and heartless and ugly. it isn't even (Just) politics and religion (Religion is becoming complete and utter screwball city here now) people are latching on to the darkness and its spreading.Quote:
Yes Sal - we will make it in this life and the next. We already are just by being here and making do regardless of this weird arrangement that currently exists in this neck to the web. We create the worlds we are in. Your are a special being to participate in the way you have and do. That takes strength this place being what it be, whatever that is. Matters little how feeble we feel because your presence here is so much more than what bends our knees and makes us hit the floor. If you don't get up I will and you always seem to do the same when I am down. Then there are times we are both in tune and running well. We have done well here ...
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Now I go get some sleep. :)
Just here at AF now as I stopped posting at the other place. Nothing wrong happened but it was just my time was up there I feel. Likely won't even look for another mental health forum. Don't know where else to go to be honest. I fit like a square peg in a round hole.
Sorry, but you said it was ok to freestyle and obviously I'm all over the place as well.
Sorry I've not expanded better as you did ask me what is going on and I know you care. Just don't even know where to start. So much confusion and mixed apposed (don't know the word), say one thing but do another, I don't know, can't grasp on to anything tangible here anymore. I keep saying "here" but things are quite messy anywhere as I see and had to stop watching the news. So much faith based hate. Can't trust. Cant! But what is trust anyway. Just going to post and say I'm thinking of you and I (truly) want the best for you from the other side of the world. Don't know how or why (well I sort of do, its serendipitous) but we met here and it was for a purpose.
Going to do the same and walk around a bit maybe venture out today even if just up and down the stairs. Luckily the people I life around are nice to me. They accept me as is.
Somehow, even though I read it, this didn't sink in. I'll try to remember this one going forward. I really can't just leave you hanging as to what is going on. I'm actually not trying to detox; myself. I don't plan to ever touch even a drop of alcohol or forget everything would be over. Just the benzo, Sertraline and the poor food choices. Junk foods. All poison. There are consequences and I know the end result will still be "hangover" and stooping we suffer WD symptoms because all addictive and negative pattern is very addictive. CBT isn't helping me anymore and my therapist is at the point that we just 'wing it' and chat and whatever happens; happens. We do need some supports right now and they don't let me go too far trust me. I guess I'm OK with that part so long as I keep to together enough to not need a 'baby sitter'. Ugh .. a few times this year. Stayed away from the hospital; barely.Quote:
The very thoughts in our heads as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see. :)
Where do we go from here ... not the forum but in life. Yeah, need to somehow maintain some form of dignity. Never know the expiration date. I'm a simple guy.
Heading outside for a short walk just for fresh air - Its 34°F and that should wake me up. Lol.
https://media.giphy.com/media/8uBI4YjfZWXlu/giphy.gif
hahahahahahahahahaaaaa That Gif is so spot on. rofl.
Hi Sal, sorry for the late reply regarding time zones. I do like it when I can leave a reply that your able to read before bed. I'm not able to reply in full right now but more than pickled to do so later when I am more able. Day 6 is still sapping me and I think it's going to be like this for a while. The heat and rain combined at the moment (been raining for 5 days straight) is very taxing given my current situation. I wish it was like 34°F over here. If I was not so fixated on my computer project I might of somehow got myself a small portable room aircon. That said I hope your not too cold?
I am so glad you have written so much. :) I'm also loving the way you write it. Spot on ... was easy to read as well. Not that your other posts are not. Just saying you really seemed in the grove. I find it's a great way to write. You expanded very well.
I'm going to give a proper read later and very thankful that you took the time to write. I hope it has in some way helped ... as well as your short walk.
Just wanted to catch you before your late night ... which may be the only time I am feeling more able. Your dead right it's always a nice surprise when we are able to cross timetables. Something you commented on long ago.
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Oh I will answer one thing though, having already skimmed before getting up:
I guest what I meant when I said "The very thoughts in our heads (are) as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see."
I just put in the missed word and I'll explain real quick.
The dying with dignity part was a hole I slipped into when making that statement and can see how that derailed my expression. The part about the way we think more in context to we become what we think or at least encapsulated in the tone in which with process and project. If we become bogged down on one tack we take on too much regardless of happy or sad. Both can weigh us down as each is not always as it seems. Balance is key. Just as when I start rambling on with all this goblydoo I would also so well to cut and past a 100 worn out polar bears. :) OK perhaps 1 or 2. Your timing was priceless.
The part about the dying with dignity was more about acceptance. Nothing more than that. Perhaps having some insight into the above re thoughts and perhaps learning how to be rather than think. Somewhere in-between actually living and typing. Or live within the act of experience, even if that be with me typing right now. It's not so much what we say but how we say it kind of thing.
I probably messed up explaining once again. :)
There are a few things you said I may reply on although know you have no expectations ... I just hope your feeling better and that others reading can handle the back slapping. lol We'll keep that in check as well. We don't want to scare away all the readers. hehe.
Sorry that I have to edit so much ... this morning I missed and messed up a lot of words.
Taking the time to now read good and proper. :) Here is my Day 6 https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png
Thanks for thinking or me re notifications but I don't have any here and or I switch off my phones WIFI and Mobile Data so the only things that can wake me up is an emergency call from family or friends.
Love the outlook re feeling seemingly OK despite everything around being fucked. Plants sure can be good like that too. They definitely help. Yea that link was really something. I go click again on it now.
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I don't have time for those playing games. I'll try to be tolerant but I don't see those who've been fucking with us making a real effort which means we just continue on as is. I once lost the plot. maybe twice, but I know how to make a mends and those who decide there are unable to reconnect - that's OK - I understand. But your right about others toying around without regard whatsoever. We seem to make a good pair when it comes to carving out our own space regardless. I also understand that too can't last forever, but while I am still breathing and this place be here I have no real plans to leave.
I live in a town once nick named that City of Churches. A place full of total BS and it really shows. They even know it.
About finding a place online. We have touched on it a few times. I've always felt there is something wrong with most of the mental health places. Mostly the marketing I guess and feels a bit like the BS in City of Churches. So shallow and full of sheep going with whatever is popular kind of thing. The bitterness also very similar with how control groups quickly attack people for making posts in the wrong section, not titled correctly, not generalized enough or does not fall within mainstream consensus and so and on. Just very petty shit really that only reflect how twisted and out of shape people really be regardless of intellect and niceties. I see straight through it. I also think the problem is just how regressed older people have become with the advent of social media. They act like kids and join in. In that sense there is a huge mass of people that act like so. Quickly lapping up all those identities and live their lives according to the symptoms and traits as defined online. Just like Bible Verses they begin to cite articles that then lead them to becoming whatever.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is no insights to be had online, but simply just trying to make a point. People really are so fucked up that they can't keep it real in said places but use that space to fuck either and or kid themselves while fucking with others. That's the best I can say it. I have tried many times to fit in and find real connections but always plagued with the above.
So it is that we are here??? How about that??? : ) - Please keep my email just in case one day this place disappears. I guess I could keep my Vlogs going since I seem to have a better handle on presenting like that. Just saying it would be good to have a safety line is all.
Yea man - so glad you freestyled that way you did. I know it can be taxing but if you just go through the motions enough it really does get easier to do it and it's also one of the best ways to self heal. It has it's moments to be sure.
I do care. Finding a place to get a footing is indeed super hard. has taken me what feels like 2 year (not quite - I foget) since I was road rage with a pick axe. Since then I have not recovered my health or really got a grip. I think now I might.
When you mention or query how we or others may "Say one thing do another..." I actually mentioned something like it in today's video - perhaps different but I time stamp it. "It's one thing to present one way and then be another and thing what the fuck it going on there?" Perhaps this is different. But like to keep it real I think I am trying to say that depending on my comfort zones that are affected by many things I can be two completely different people. Sometimes I write so calmly but when I go out and can flip out and become non functional.
Perhaps different from outright deception when people know they are deceiving others by saying one thing and doing another. That is different to what I mean ... yet confusion can still reign when I struggle being one way Vs another which has nothing to do with intentional deception whatsoever. It is certainly hard to deal with deceitful people and only adds to why there is so much distrust out there atm ... not discounting all pasts abuses through no fault of our own. Yet must be careful not to make the latter an excuse to continually cry poor me. BINGO → I think that is a major issue with many of the mental health forums. Just threw that in whilst it came to mind. Not just kids doing it - but also many regressed wanna be teens in the 30s,40s,50s, and yes these days 60s. I see that a lot in those places. As defined earlier above.
Yea man ... wish I had some stairs to go up and down. That would be enough of a gym. I hope again your short walk worked out ok and you had a good day and when this finds you; rest.
I tried to better explain that little spiel I said in my previous post: The very thoughts in our heads as capable of disabling and making us sick and or lifting ourselves up and dying with dignity ... as best that can be in the world as I see.
To shorten it even more - better said ... 'We are what we think. Accepting the inevitable with what we can't change may help us to better see.' Let's ride with that?
I have been in therapy since 2012. Nice years. Whilst behavioral therapy can assist in breaking negative patterns, it does not in anyway alleviate the root cause or address unresolved deep rooted issues. CBT is marketed like pills and whilst they too can be beneficial as I assume you well know well enough yourself, unless we do the inner work and come to terms with acceptance on a deeper level, no therapy or course is going to help. Think is terms of ACT - Acceptance Commitment Therapy but take out the Clinical aspect of commitment and Therapy as we typically know them. We often BS ourselves with those aspect showing up to such appointments not really and truly being there. Most people are conditioned to think it is the taking of medicine in context to quick fixes that just by participating in CBT or ACT that they are going to be healed.
I am not meaning this is you - just sharing the context with how commodities (people) are conditioned with and by such clinical services. Sometimes we got to throw away the text book and this is what any good therapist will do once they know they are working with complex cases. Or at least pretend to do. lol In the end it is us that further trains these professionals. It' snice when they can acknowledge as much and whilst when they do it may sound like BS - in many cases it can be true. So hang in there ... From your previous writings about your therapy I get the impression you know how to use such. So many people do not. Of course I don't blame them as it really is a confusing world ... a deceptive one full of so much distrust.
Baby sitter ... lol .. I think I understand and apologize if not. Me being someone that pretty much has someone paid to take me out ... made me think about that comment but your talking about yourself not me. I get it. Hospitals admittances and all that. I understand that too. On that level when dealing with public services and servants ... control is the name of the game and your right ... no one needs that kind of being lorded over. It can be extremely demeaning, inhumane and very controlling ... traumatic at best. The excuse is they are overwhelmed.
You just said it best.Quote:
Originally Posted by salvator here
I envy the cold weather you are having. I know it's easy for me to say - but I am not doing well at all this summer and I have always much preferred the cold.
Take Care ... Catch up in my morning. Once more thanks so much for taking the time to share as you have. In your own time and all that ... don't stop:
Edit ... I got the lyrics wrong. The seem to fit well actually where I can be flexible with my in the now outlook. That said, I do advocate periods of no thinking when at all possible. :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BME4fB3VJV8
Vlog Day 7 https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.pngLaughing at it all & Tired
Not much to say today. It's all in the video I guess. Perhaps a self correction about using me car. I don't like using it since the road rage accident. I do use it from time to time to avoid having to walk out my front door but mostly use my push bike for most short trips, otherwise I am pretty much a passenger for longer bouts. That said I will take over to help on long trips but suffer from the lines in the road that make me sleepy very quick.
ZZZZzzzzzz Might have to have anafternoon grandad nap. hehe.
Catch up later no doubt.
Just a random video I made. My youngest son was saying how useless his electric mower is, so I thought I would show him how I use mine.
I stayed up so you could watch it during your day ... that said you might find it boring although I did put in quite a few cuts:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0zBJ0VmhQE
I guess I must be getting bored with slightly more energy. Not such a bad thing but definitely feeling edgy with this increased energy. I can see where there is a concept for dulling people down. I'll try to put that energy into doing the research I need to in order to get water running over my graphics card CPU chip now that most of the parts have arrived. Just waiting on one more.
Notes tensions are running high all round with family members and the world in general. Not the best time for my detox but now is better than never. It really does take a certain level of genuine intent when making concert decisions that actually have the fortitude to make them count. I can't believe this time around it took two years. I only hope I can beat my 2 year record of eating clean. It's so easy to go bust when stress either reaches a certain point or suddenly slams you in one go. Such have been the extremes for me but seemingly getting better each time around despite the building identity of my bouts as I live more days on this plain of existence.
Hopefully the yard will dry out and I can finish the edging.
Shit storm still brewing this time of year and people going nuts but is what it is.
On with another day.
Too tired - keeping focused on my Vlog marathon eating clean reclaiming my health yadda yadda kind of thing.
Vlog Day 8 https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png
ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Vlog Day 9 https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.png - Shaved - Plenty of Sun - went out ... now feeling heaps tired. Emotions welling up and not happy out in public at all. That said, still doing my best to hold things together and continuing to eat clean. Here's to Day 10. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Day 10. Morning. Toe is infected. Going to take take a break myself Sal. You know where to find me re the above. Seems this detox has me running into one issue after the other although I could of avoided this new issue by cutting my toenails correctly.
I'll be back as ussual. In the meantime I'll still be doing my Day by Day vlogs.
I'm sorry, Ponder I've been incapacitated. I'm better now though.
Will watch your videos and respond. I've missed you.
Yes, a break might be good. Take as long as you need and I'll be here.
Its about 2:30PM and trying to get back on on 2 feet and eat and get moving. Been sleeping too much. Wallowing and pitiful me again.
Will sit down and later and watch.
Sal
No need to reply :)
So I decided to work my way backward and start at day 10. I actually like to do that and reflect even with myself.
Day 10 .. YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY
You look so alert and focused and you've inspired me to get out of this cycle of self sabotage. Not much to say other that I'm very proud of you and you will continue to do it this time; I know it! Nothing but I enjoyed it and the prunes will help too with getting digestive track and perhaps the belly will start to decrease.
Yeah, just because you are choosing to to live clean and you are what you eat and put into your body doesn't change outlook of the world and other people. Just you getting better and other things could follow because of the ripple effect. No miracles or waiting for around for them, we need to put forth action and you look way better and the skin and eyes are wide open. The toe, I use scissors and do that same and sometimes bleed enough to feed more than one vampire. The shoulder is what it is and work around it and be cautious. You'll walk again when ready. Good you getting sun (no sun here) and I'm freezing my ass off Lol with heating blanket at night to cut back and running heat dries the air and not good.
Again, no need to reply and I'm going to push you off the activity stream on the main forum page (which I know you just love ... haha) and will post more later and into this week.
So awesome to see that level of change in 10 days. Doing well with cravings .. wow ... isn't that shit we put into our body (salt and sugar) nasty. I'm not where you are (yet) and I hope to make that change too, but not yet ready and others things like getting up and staying up would be a good start.
Really can't wait to watch day 9 and 8 and maybe 7 later.
https://media3.giphy.com/media/l378v...gb3q/giphy.gif
Watching day 9 and wanted to just mention, taking into consideration that my computer is mostly held together with duct tape and super glue, the last 2 vids, for some reason, the sound is louder in the left channel than the right, Just wanted you to know in case. Actually, if I reverse the phase, its louder on the right channel so could be YT or smth.
About 8PM and will reply shortly after watching and I'll let you know what I'm gonna watch on netflix.
Amazing that looks like an aquarium to me.
I'm going to edit as it come to me while I read.
Same! Lots of emotional baggage here to that I'm still not processing well.
Your skin ... no question a drastic difference from day 2 (I think I got 1/2 way through 3), not just because you were scruffy.
Ok, going to find something fun tonight - will let you know.
Just take good care as its 8PM and you know I need to power down at this time or else its pandemonium city here. I'm watching Jaws and might just go with that, we'll see.
All good Sal - I'm not leaving - just taking a break because I thought you might be doing the same thing. I'll just assume your are my only subscribe. LOL Not that I care for all that, but do hope that is you - if not - oh well ... I have a secret admirer. Thanks for the kind words and the boost. Yayyyyyyyyyy LOL :) TY It helps. Speaking of Fish Tanks ... I picked up a 4 footer today. I am really happy about that. It will take time before I get fish in it but soon enough.
You know the channel now so I will no longer be linking them here. It really is me just spurring myself on and you helping of course. :)
Your computer is doing well ... if not for it we would not be interacting as we do.
Oh yea - sorry about the sound issues. Not sure ... I enable external mic. some of those other videos where on phone mic despite having plugs in external. sorry bor the buzz too. I get better mic in a few months if able too re $ and all that. That said, I am not having the same sound issues you mentioned other than having to turn my volume up and some electrical buzz. Try pulling out and in the 3.5 sound connecter the plugs into your audio in. Thanks for the feed back. I will check my end as well.
Hope you found something worth while on Netflix?
Srry its cold ... I sill advocate freezing to death hehehe ... best way to go ... Naaaaa - I hope you find something to warm you up in both body and spirit. You are sounding uplifted Sal ... I if I am reading correctly. I tried to be in my video as well. The one I just made I mean. Uploading Now - but needs time to process as well.
Yea - I will just check from time to time but have no real desire to post at the moment like I have been.
It's not all about me and I now have another media form into which I can create space just for that. I'll enable comments on my YouTube video just incase anything happens in here and or it may be easier to get my attention in there as well. That space will be more one in which I can control when it comes to trolling and the like. Speaking of which we don't need those likes either ... I have switched those off regardless of YouTube finally turning off dislikes. Zero views is also OK as well. I find just watching myself like writing to myself is also a great way to program good things which again is what I am good at doing.
I am so glad to be getting back on track. I really do appreciate the acknowledgements and please do feel free to let me know what is going on for you too.
Love the GIF!!!
Take Care Sal ... I be back in a few myself. Stay warm. :D
Guess its about 2 AM over there and I just got up.
Wanted to quickly say, I didn't subscribe as I don't have an account. Does it show any information about your secret admirer? I can only see "1 subscriber' below your channel?!
Yeah, my 2 computers (both dell) are the air I breathe and means to connect to others from far away. This Dell Optiplex 745 is my main rig and my 2nd is a Dell dell dimension Pentium 4. Both are aging gracefully :) and I have them tweaked to get the most of what I have for my needs. Yes I do like emmabuntus linux,but I don't know how to write my own linux drivers for my printer. I don't duel boot and usually just go live dvd and quit and back to windows when I'm done. I know I said "never" to chrome but I eat my words and have started using as well as FF. So much telemetry that bothers me.
Will write more a bit later.
Glad you mentioned Greek yogurt, I find it to be helpful for me and its 1 thing I want to use to replace chips and candy as a snack and I'm a huge herbal tea guy; as well. Yeah, I do also enjoy black and earl grey and am reading this article about the tannins.
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition...ea#bottom-line
https://www.healthline.com/health/fo...ectar-vs-honey
Thanks for sharing Sal. I have to admit out of all articles online I am most skeptical about food science as it rates as one of the most marketing ploys of all. That said, anything that requires more processing than nature intended I avoid regardless of whatever claims. For that resan I believe Honey comes out on top.
People with Diebetects can also use honey regardless of the claims. I think that article was trying hard to sell one over the other. Ive tried them all and will always stick with honey, although picky acording to processing procedures. But I am a nut case when I go clean and trust none of the artlicles anymore. That said thanks heaps.
I'm about to put a del optiplex on my desk as I work on my water cooling project sometime soon. Glad your getting a lot of use out of yours. It would be nice to try linux again.
I do not like the sub feature and that others and I can see views. Many other users like myself wish we could remove them. I am currenlty looking for another hosting site but they are all like that now. Thos that are not have subscription requierments for others to watch them. Go figuer.
Exscuse typos. Just getting up and using phone. 4% left. Have a good evening/night.
Just got out of bed. I tried the tannin article but it used the word 'trusted source' too many times and kept saying 'health benefits' 'Health benefits' 'Health benefits' 'Health benefits' LOL re trusted source and the Covid info all over it which just made me hurl. Thanks again Sal - but this bout I am not getting into any articles at all. If I talk about food it is more about what works for me from my own experiences and I will do my best not to pass on articles or preach myself. Food science and promotions makes me as sick as junk food. I dislike today's so called influences very much. Again I am sorry for such a response to a well meaning gesture yet again thankful for it. I just want to be honest about my take on such things is all. I was a sheep using that kind of thing before on my prevoius health kicks and I am still prone to reciting likewise gobbledygook myself and don't like doing so. I feel like a hypocrite when I do.
I know what works for me based on my own experiences. Tannins clog me up and make my skin dry out all the more - Once again, whilst I care less for the science anymore - my guess is the tannin taxes my liver. I don't need the 'Health benefits' lol - of tannins. I will look at putting tannins in my fish tank from this point on but that's about it. Maybe on a free day if I ever implement a free day but I doubt it. I have a long way to go before I relax and play that game yet.
Today I must set up my OptiPlex PC and put my huge screen away and replace it with a modest one. That way I can still have a setup whilst taking my time on the water cooling project. In the mean time I need to research a few items to complete a proper tank setup. The waterline in holder well thus far bust too early to tell if it leaks. I show later in the day when I get time.
Sorry for being annual about the articles. I once use to share them myself but I no longer feel confident about 'anything' I read online. I now laugh because I just shared you a time stamp from online. Regarding trust. Trust as defined by Jon Kabat-zin author of 'Wherever You Go, There You Are'
Would you prefer if I do not respond in your newly created thread?
On with my day - if I do one thing that is moving forward ... it will to be have my OptiPlex setup and ready by days end.
Just got up myself. Sorry, I feel asleep last night on the couch.
Sure, you're always welcome to post in my thread, just, over the next few weeks I might go 'cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs', so long as it doesn't drag you down during this time of healing and recovering, please do. I might not make much sense.
I think I'm going to not buy anymore agave and find a better quality honey :)
Thanks Sal :) - lol re agave.
Going cuckoo for whatever is OK Sal. I won't go down or anything. I am fully committed. Just uploading Day 13 now. Tomorrow I reach my mini goal. That said, I am really tired at the end of each day. I'm not full of energy at this stage and tire quickly after any short bouts of energy. Yet to start walking program but will get there. The fish tank was a sudden project that was instigated by my wife for my grandson because I persuaded her not to get a dog. I was still recovering from all the research into the water cooling project to which I now have all that parts. Because of fish tank I have had to put that one on hold. The switching between projects and sudden researching again has really taxed me. I seriously can not wait till I have NO projects. That said, I have to soon focus again to not mess up pulling apart my very expensive graphics card and doing hands on with all the research I have done. I am nervous about that project. I need to count every screw and have it put away with a good record of how it all goes back together so that when I do go to resell, it will look as good as new when Iput it all back together. Selling it with a water block is not an option so need to account for that.
Sryy I am rambling.
I've been watching Lost In Space in my down time between my chores. My plants also take to bit of time because I like those to also be healthy and well. That and the Yard despite the weeds and the week of rain. Please to say I am making progress there too.
Srry if I have missed any other posts ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I need to keep focused. Thanks again for your support.
_____________________
How are you doing - cuckoo is good! It makes me feel glad to know your sounding at least OK?
Listening to the tunes you linked in your other thread ... going to just drop a real quick note to play my part in supporting over there as well.
So good to see you this focused. I only can hope at one point I'll be able to pull myself together, but I'm happy for you.
Yeah, cuckoo isn't so bad ;)
Appreciate the encouragement Sal but I am not as together as you may think. I mean not to bust a bubble or anything but the truth is I am staring to lose it and said as much the Day 14 Video I just uploaded. I'll leave the details in that vid as I don't want to be a drag. Just trying to say what a struggle it has been and question my attempt to be clean in such a toxic world. I'll work it out soon enough I guess.
Sorry about the fake drink you got. I read in the watching now section. Is good that you could at least tell. Must of been a pathetic attempt on that drink.
Is good that we both have some things to watch.
Here's hoping to a solutions around the corner for those things that plague us both. It really is about removing the triggers. This I have to come up with regarding my front door.
Take care ... catch up soon.
I'm watching my food but currently gorging on Netflix for most of the day. Diving back in now that I just got some air. ;)