Dave's Dairy

Today I actually had to quit one of my supports early because I am just too tired. There is nothing that I have to do or try to be which is fine by me. I am OK with how I am feeling and in no rush to correct it. I'll balance naturally.

My new cooler runs a little warmer but I am not going to fuss about a few degrees under idle. I fluctuate between 35 - 44 Celsius in a hot room during summer without aircon. I've also swapped out the original radiator fans for RGB (lighting) and again, happy to sacrifice a couple of degrees in favor of having a night light.

Hope we all get out energy back soon enough but encourage others to be OK with where they are at. Stressing about it only adds to it. If soldiering on is what you want to do, then by all means. Not for me. I enjoy a good yawn. :)

Well I am going to push on - regardless of the fuckwit trolling the forum. He and the other are on Iggy. I sense they are one and the same. I won't be having any of that shit in my world from this point on and I'll be fucked if I will let it ruin the forum whilst it is still here. So on that note I suggest others do the same:

https://i.ibb.co/1qKLmXQ/Bye-Bye.png

I post a final time to consolidate and wipe that shit off my slate. No doubt it will pop in because it's just that fucking retarded. This is how it will look when it or they do:

https://i.ibb.co/pvMZpQB/ignored-persons.png

https://i.ibb.co/4p5f084/Ignore-3.png

They / It will only no be referred to in the 3rd person and more so as a very brief reference as to squatting a fly and moving on - if it all. Now fuck that shit and moving on.

As previously stated doing this will also remove their names off the index list out in the main of the forum. Much more peaceful without having to see the continual abuse.

Righto - here is one I prepared earlier. I was actually going to put it over in the NMP forum but consider that place too mainstream for the stuff I write about and thus thought I might come off similar to the troll that has been toying with this forum. That said, I think I am a little more intelligent. lol Woops - slipped out. Sigh. I guess I am just as retarded but for the most part generally do not like to incite ill feeling if I can help it.

Already I am going on but this is OK. It's actually a good tone for me to express. It is challenging writing about the things that have me down in a way that is not demeaning of others. I am trying to be mindful when I write about such things. So it is that I will share as I really do not mean to pick sides when it comes to such things. I am now referring to this hole Covid business. I have to admit it does feel very business orientated of late. $$$ But like all things - that is nothing new. People will always try to profit off the hardships of others, regardless of one's point of view.

After this cut and past I will include where I am up to with my new PC upgrades:
_________________________________

I know it's repetitive - but I find going other the things more than once that are plaguing me helps to better regulate. Each time I go over things, they become a little clearer - somewhat at least:

Struggling of Late But Doing OK.
It's no secret about the massive changes taken place over the last couple of years. If things were not bad enough for those of us challenged with social anxiety pre-cv, now is a time that I find extremely challenging just opening my front door. Regardless of opinion which in itself is sickening with regards to show boating compliance and self-policing being more rampant than proposed reports in a climate of distrust that predates today's goings-on, is the dreaded task of standing in a line to be subject to something you would rather not. It's not what I or others believe that is the issue for me, but the overall distrust that society has incurred through its own history of indoctrination and social stratification. Highly recommend people read a Novel called Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Read it with a grain of salt and you'll still come out the other end much more educated than any offerings of societies top universities.

My support person is encouraging me to make an appointment with one of the local chemists so I am no longer considered one of 'The Unvaccinated.' He means well as it's starting to affect our community engagements since I have not yet been injected. My trepidation is not so much about distrust in a society that has proven to be nothing but untrustworthy, but more the stigmatization and margination going on in the community of late. These aspects are quite debilitating for someone with my labels. To coerced by means of opinionated speech blanketed by comments of "congratulations!" by those giving the shots was an ODD moment for me. Of course I use ODD for lack of a better term. The way I see it, any trouble yielded by such antics is generated by those imposing their opinion in such a way upon others whom have only lined up under duress. Therefore, it is not so much an ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) moment - but an adverse reaction that sees one boycott the directive given. It's also something I consider as abuse by those who condone themselves in such a way. I am referring to an incident at one of our local technical colleges where those administering the CV Vaccine where overly excited endorsing congratulations to everyone receiving the shots in a somewhat obnoxious way. Upon hearing this news, I vowed never to take the vaccine. So it's not really ODD because my reaction is carefully chosen and whilst it may or may not be problematic that I yearn to boycott many things when threatened like so, the choice to avoid such toxic interactions is actually for my own protection. Considering the subject matter of which I speak, it's a huge irony ... I know. That said, I place no opinion on the validity of proposed pandemic either way. I do however propose that the dynamics surrounding today's perception management are just as toxic and would do well to line up for its own vaccination. Once those making the rules get a good dose of the demeaning manner in which is being conducted, they might understand better why so many resist. Unfortunately, we live a world that is quick to create labels and in this case is far easier to just say - ODD.

This take of mine all being just one of many harsh realities in many aspects that we ourselves cannot change, which reminds me of the AA meeting I use to attend. (The serenity prayer/affirmation) Although one's take on such an affirmation can be seen many ways. I choose to see more in a Buddhist way with respect to 'giving in for the sake of peace' - vs those who would reason such acceptance is more about giving up and counter to one's overwhelming need to resist. Such needs often more destabilizing than the proposed source of pain itself Yet to consider such things in my book yields more positive results than not. So receiving the jab is not nearly as problematic as it is to that of the response of others in the community who are just as affected by all these goings-on as well as myself; regardless of perception, invested emotion or layers of belief.

So what to do - Mindset ... I've already started with this little write up of mine. I have a support person who will come with me. I am both fortunate and thankful for that. I could even get lucky and have my vaccine administered by someone who is at best professional about it whilst respecting my obvious anxiety. Checking my own demeanour will no doubt help. Sadly, my wife tells me it will be the first of many injections and that it will be ongoing for the rest of my life. I find that to be so sad and unsure if I really want to live in such a world.

However ... I can't leave this write up like that. I have to believe - and believing in things is really hard for me to do ... that there will be a way to live through whatever this new world brings. Moreover, that my ability to create new worlds regardless of that which I cannot change - is something I can foster till my least breath. To accept outside the happiness trap exist a space in which I can always find space - no matter the pain.

Yea - that sounds pretty good to me ... all things considered.
_______________________

On with me Day - Continuing to work on my Custom Gaming PC Upgrade. :) - It seems to be coming along quite well. I need another node for my rear exhaust fan and still in two minds about liquid cooling my GPU/Graphics Card. On that note - I'm still creating new worlds.

https://i.ibb.co/YQRJ6Fy/Animation-2.gif

I've been so busy with selling things, researching what and how to make my upgrades and build my friends custom build that I have missed writing deeply about the things that ... hmmm ... just make my mind wander I guess. Like the world is what it is, but how it is to us can be such a drag when we allow others to imprint as opposed to taking the time to write out own scripts. Something like that. The tone settles after a good rant and then when going back over things you can still see things as the be but the way in which I digest is not as toxic as other narratives would have that be. To be sure it is lonely as hell contemplating and hitting out on topics like these. Anyways ...

I share today's desktop image and go back to researching my next move with my PC. I am either going to liquid cool my GPU (Graphics Card) or I will upgrade some more hardware which I could really use. More RAM is something that would help with regard to digital editing and also with some gaming mods.

https://i.ibb.co/QDNn0f3/Today-s-Desktop.jpg

Once my one track mind has completed it's goals re the hardware ... I look forward to writing up some more on the things that currently plague this world. I hope to do so from a point that is easily read.

I don't like being derailed and have been overly tolerant in here of late. I would love to be all sunshine and bubbles, but sometimes you just got to pull the pin then pick up the pieces with whatever is left. Please ignore that ongoing interruptions in my blog as too the forum. It's not all that bad once you use the Iggy feature. Leaving only just feeds them. I'll be in this space till either the forum is shut down or I am dead. One of the others. I'm a bit retareded that way ... but thus far is has more benefits than not.

Peace out guys. We can have it if we do not focus on the other. It is possible. Keep in touch. ;)

https://i.ibb.co/4p5f084/Ignore-3.png

Random Vlog - Touching Base & Keeping it Real

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WHpfl_9wV0

Gosh, that was so nice to see you again, thank you. For now, I'll just ignore the nonsense going on here and talk to you.

LMAO ... not your best angle. I'm the type that looks better on low lighting, I guess as the night goes on in the bar I start to look better (the drunker people get). Heeeeeeeeeee. :D

Seriously..

I do hope you will pop in ans visit at NMP every once and a while even just to chat or "Word Association" or smth. I'll remain here so long as we're going, but yeah; derailed is a good way to put it. Oh well, whatever. A bit adolescent to me.

Thank you again and I appreciate that you mentioned the upcoming holidays and we'll get through it somehow together and hopefully some people will return here, though, I wouldn't count on it given the toxic turn this place has turn. As the holidays draw closer I go further in zombie mode and things get unclear and I miss my dearly departed father during this time as he would be here twice a month to visit.

Anyway, hopefully your enjoying your computer projects and will enjoy your time to yourself to do what makes you happy :)

Thanks Sal. I'll consider NMP.

Really tired tonight so going just hit the sack early ... for a change. Nothing could ever replace our parents, but we can keep up the visits as best we can. :)

OH - I forgot to add - after changing my fans around and a bit of refitting I got my idle temps down as follows:

That's on start up - after its been sitting a bit it's more like 34 to 37 with animated desktop wallpaper on super ultrawide monitor and a little internet surfing. i9900k is known to run hot so I could not be more content with the results. GPU is also benefiting from the changes I have made. I might setup up on overclocking profile but at this point I see no need. Perhaps 5Ghz for the odd game I know that can benefit from high clock speeds on single core. Cities Skylines being one example.

https://i.ibb.co/ZzkKZSx/20211115-170610.jpg


https://i.ibb.co/929Lp3j/20211115-171952.jpg

Awesome ... I've been going to bed early myself lately. Just going to find something tonight that doesn't require much thought and hopefully drift off on the couch.

I hope you have a nice day :)

Not every night has been early. I'm glad to hear you have been getting a couple in though. Tonight is another late one - although 11:19 (at time I start this) is better than 2am where the latter has been too often of late. I hope your were able to let go with the heavy thinking and drift off like you affirmed. My day was not bad thank you. I went out and got a thick shake from McDonalds with my support. We started looking for coffee shops but I do not like it when they say they only have cardboard cups. Going out is not something I do often and the last think I want to do is celebrate it with coffee and cardboard. I'm not sure why, but when I turn down the cardboard the shop keepers/staff look back as if I have offended them. So it was we opted for a thick shake from the drive through instead. LOL @ the cardboard straws though. You can't win. lol. God forbid I have a milkshake like they did in the 50s. hahahaha. Sigh. If only! The world has turned to cardboard my friend. Chuckles at that thought. From one extreme to the other. Oh well ... I had strawberry and it was real nice ... minus my esophagitis freezing up given the effort it took to suck with a cardboard straw. I'm thinking of ordering my own metal straw online. Instead of pulling out a cigar I will produce a telescopic metal straw. I'll also have to start taking my own coffee cup. That's get the staff talking. :)

Anyways. We had a thick shakes at the local botanical gardens. It was nice to get out of the house. I was losing my breath walking and I am not doing well in the heat our global region is known for. I was not prepared for this summer at all.

The money for my laptop has cleared and my mum is sending a cheque. My mind has been busy with all kinds of forum posts asking lots of questions about all the parts I need. The project is good, but it's starting to ware me down. I can be a high achiever at times with many of the things I take on, but struggle with regulating. I yearn for the project to finish but don't want to mess it up.

In other news - Police turned up to serve my wife with a Domestic Violence Order taken out against her by the wife of our grandson's father. His wife is not happy because my wife reported financial information to child support questioning and or exposing deception on their part in the avoidance of paying child maintenance. Long story short - when online and your avoiding child support, be careful about when you own more than one house and selling one of them who you tell publicly. Facebook can be a trap when it comes to showboating publicly. That's pretty much how they got caught out. No stalking involved, but that is the basis of their claim against my wife after child support got involved. Now they claim both my wife and have abused and are a risk to our grandson. Bla Bla and Bla. It has cost my wife a thousand $$$ just for a retainer to get her foot in the door with representation as this time around after a seven year court battle she is completely exhausted - I feel the same. I totally get why my wife is vigilant in her advocating for our grandson re all the past deception. My wife is pretty smart. She takes her role as justice of the peace quite seriously and now whilst that is under threat with these baseless accusations, her delivery of this case to those she is retaining seems to be well met with a confident affirmation that even if the case goes to trial it should be easy enough to squash and at least make the other side pay half the costs back. I think these people are going to be in for a shock.

Sadly I almost had to call an ambulance because my wife's MS took a major hit shortly after all this took place with the police turning up and then having to come up with the money ... so on and so on. I think we are going to fight this one as hard as we did the last seven years - BUT - despite being a much shorter case, I just hope it does not bust us financially. It would be ironic if these people who have been hiding their money and skirting their responsibility to their grandson, use their money to cripple us. Going by the state of their submission, it does not look like they have representation. That said, just like I sold most of my things for my computer project, we can be resourceful and know well how to save further by having the knowledge to work with a lawyers as a team. Doing most of the work for them is key.

SIGH - is still draining and the impact I am worried about on my wife. Nevertheless - I try to keep positive for her, lend an ear a be encouraging instilling strength and so on.

Life just goes and never stops throwing curve balls. We got this though.
_____________________________

I think that is enough drama to report. hehe. There is nothing in what I report that can be used against me or my family. I share without demeaning or being bitter. We are not avoiding taxes or anything like that so have nothing to loose. We have no such money at any rate. Unless I sell my belongings I live off small loans. We own no houses or even cars that exceed bankruptcy price. We do not attempt to live beyond our means as doing so is typically met with futility. As have been the case for those trying to drag us down. Like I say - I think they are in for an uncomfortable surprise. I sense rage is on the horizon for them. I only hope my wife can get over it all in due time as rage has a habit of being contagious regarding such disputes.

This is something common when it comes to money which is what this is really all about as I first described when opening up above. If it's not about avoiding taxes, child support its about when people die and who gets what. That family visit I did last where my sister was going on about her breakup, how much she was owed and then went on about my mum and dads will - it ended really messed up, my last visit I mean. I have resigned myself that I will most likely get nothing and if I do, that it will not be much. I think it is best just to accept that now. What's more important is that I work on relations with my mum while she is still around. The small loans and handouts that she gives me now is not about the money, but gives me that feeling that she is helping me because she wants to. That means so much more. She told me before I left after all that fighting and how my dad held the operation money against me like he did, she says "David, I'll still give you money" or something to that affect. I was a little confused when she said it. She said it quietly whilst we were away from any of the others like a day or two after all three of them tag teamed me. Remember ... all the finger pointing screaming and yelling together at the same time where I had to ask them to please do it one at a time so I could respond one at a time. Anyways - I just figured mum understood when I explained that they should not really of helped me with surgery if they were going to hold it against me and that is something my wife and I would never ever do to our kids. I don't think they heard my on the last count because of how they were all screaming at me. It was all over the WILL garbage. All I was asking was for them to consider that it is not a good idea to hold one sibling above another with such responsibilities. I was concerned because my sister was justifying her need for more because she has not lived a poor life like I have ... something to that affect. She was extremely tactless about it and should never of brought the subject up. In some sense I am glad for it because I really got to see that side of her that is able to be so cold when it suits her. I have never understood how people can so easily turn off to such things or just show boat compassion to meet their own needs. Like how calculative people can get. In some ways my brother was also like that. I've always been the naive one in such things. Granted I have many of my own faults.

Is why I tend to bring things up when everyone does not want to hear about it - just like in public forums and such. I have never been good with secrets and struggle with people being cold and so on. - So I just figured when mum said what she did after the shit storm, she was genuine in the only way the mum knew how and I guess it was on target and not about the money. I'll give my mum that - she has been good with handouts without making it about the money for the most part. She has been very generous like that. My dad has had his moments too but in the end money for him is like his army uniform. The idenfinatcion with status and imo the shortcomings that come with that are just too strong. He can't help it though - it's a cultural thing ... deeply embedded. My sister can't help it either. It is deeply ingrained traits ... just like all my short comings. Is what it is. The games do continue though. So it is that I had to tell my sister it's over. I know after last visit that she will never change and that I am just too old for the negative patterns to be played like so. I will continue in her eyes to live as a poor person whilst she fights to maintain her standards. All are interactions our based on that. Always an air of expected forgiveness to be requested in order to be heard or seen. Religion is the perfect canvas for such pretentious beings.

Righto ... Just have to see the next week out until my wife's court hearing. I might ask mum for another good movie to watch. It was my mum that recommended 'The Electrical Life of Louis Wain' ... I thought I had no-one left to miss, but I guess I was wrong. Just like you miss your Dad, I will soon enough miss my Mum. I do hope this forum and yourself are still around when that happens. :)

Almost one AM ... that took a bit to write. That said I feel I am ready to sleep. Is good to write these things without ranting and raving. Night night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

OK Moving on - today is the day I start putting together all my research in one foul swoop and start ordering the online parts. This new quest aimed towards a Graphics Card Cooling solution where I will be using fluid running through a loop as the primary means of cooling along side a good case with plenty of air flow. I'll save the in-depth self talk for my next post as I outline the procedure in an attempt not to mess up my order. It's easy to waste money on these projects by not getting it the correct the first time around.

This morning I aired myself out in the back yard. LOL - it felt good. On with the show ;)

Thanks Mum:

https://i.ibb.co/3hBr4BC/Thanks-Mum.jpg

OOOOOOOOOooooooo the privacy police might bust me. lol ... Gotalovethisforum. This is just Mum chipping in to help with my water-cooling project. She has been very encouraging with my creative pursuits. I'm hoping to go for another visit in February ... or whenever it is most convenient to do so.

I also just got vaccinated so hopping that will make them feel more at ease. I'll of had my second shot before then. I won't go on anymore about that. I'm still struggling with the upcoming restrictions and the need to constantly check in and prove one is 'clean.'

Until next post ... Just wanted to post something positive. I love my Mum and don't care what has passed. I like to think a trait we both share is the ability to let go regardless of ingrain harboring issues most humans suffer with. Is good to share the happy moments and whilst yea there was a cheuqe in there for me, this is more about being happy re the willingness and genuine intent both my Mum and I share. Time is going quickly. Best make it count.

I'm off to recheck my parts list. :)

Until Next Post

Just whenever you can reply Sal - I got to say I feel like my shoulder as been hit by a sledgehammer on the first night after taking the CV Vac - other than that, so far I am fine. Touch Wood. What was your experience? I know it's different for different folk. Just curious. Understand if you would rather not say.

Night ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Good to hear!

I'm sort of in the same boart, because I only have a card to prove it, but they are going to force people to have a smart phone which I do not. Honestly, I didn't feel all that well after the 2nd shot, but it was the 3rd (booster) that really made me ill for many weeks. I think its to be expected; really.

So happy to hear you're forgiving of what has passed and you want to visit your mom again. You've given me something to think about today.

"the ability to let go regardless of ingrain harboring issues most humans suffer with" stated as a (shared) trait.

Hold a grudge until the grave, then we are left with guilt for our remaining time. Not good. Got to find a way to make our time count indeed :)

24 hours in and mostly sore arm. I am new to all this. I've never bothered with the Flu Vaccine and never really felt the need. Most people I know still get sick despite having it. I'm just complying for ease of community access for those few times I do manage to get out. Is hard enough dealing with anxiety as is, let alone having to fall into line with this dystopian dark sci-fi reality of late. LOL ... I have to laugh otherwise look for a piece of rope and ladder ... laughs out loud again. I should make a video laughing about these things. Sigh. It was good catching up with you like so. I mean you responding to it in kind in here really made me feel like making the effort to make the video was worth while. Thanks for that. Life is really too short - but perhaps that is a good thing hey? :)

Anyways ... I hope you found something worth watching. Have you seen that movie The Electrical Life of Louis Wain?

The Electrical Life of Louis Wain

I think I will go find a movie myself but doubt I will find one as good. I just watched one earlier 'Cold Purist' with Liam Neeson. I was bored and and was taking too long to find something. It was nothing new but OK I guess. Kill Kill and more Killing. ZZZZ zzzz At least perhaps with a little more style than most hack and slashes. Chuckles then Bang! Your Dead ... onto the next. I don't know. I do like many of Liam Neeson's characters though. At least the way I like to view him with my own script ... Give me more movies like The Electrical Life of Louis Wain any day.

That said, I can't wait to see the next episode of The 4400 ... not sure what the old series is like. I do not like the look of the screen shots on Netflix - but ya never know. I have been surprised before but generally takes something unique, non-mainstream - far thinking and encouraging to capture my attention.

Hope you're starting to feel better, took me a while. Hate to say it, but I thought chicken soup helped ... Lol!

You're welcome and I always watch your videos when you post them. I don't have the guts to put myself on camera. I hate em and threw away my webcam years ago and never replaced it. Sort of a whole story in itself. Sort of learned a hard lesson, I guess. Was bad. Partly my fault and left me in paranoia city.

Anyways:

I'm looing now for The Electrical Life of Luis Wain and its not on any streeming service I have access to, but will keep looking. I just watched Liam Neeson the other night in The Markssman.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6902332/

Going to make a cuppa and attempt a half decent write up. Forgive me if I got confused about the music video you posted. I've always liked Sinéad O'Connor. I am sure there is a beautiful story to it. I go make that cuppa and see what I can come up with. :) Tread lightly in the welcome section. lol BRB

SOLD. Typical of Netflix not to have it in Australia. I can't be bothered searching the other streaming services that my wife has accounts with and nor do I wish to support them when I know other countries have so much more. Australia is such a tight ass when it comes to such things. Did a quick search and got to healthy hits which I are coming in now. I'll pick the one that has the best sound and get subs via MPC-HC. PM SENT

Just made a personal video for you and will PM the private link once it's processed. I must apologies as I think I was a bit too quick in my descriptions. That said there is a little relaxing music in the background that I hope is at the right volume to make the watch a little easier. If you listen carefully you will be able to find anything you want. The proxy site may be different in your country, however the principle is exactly the same and it's how I get by perfectly OK without a VPN!

I have the movie Marksman you recommended. I even show you how to get subtitles via MPC HC (a media player classic program for desktop computers) .... I find its a great way to add subtitle that may of not been added to the download. I beleive I have actually downloaded the subtitles that MPC HC downloaded to a folder with the movie on a USB stick and when sticking that into my big TV ... I get subtitles as well!!! I find it's great ... I can watch telly softly and still not miss a thing. Good for when others in the house are sleeping. To be honest, there are many times movies have the music and action too loud and I miss a lot of the dialogue. Sub offer way more even for people with good hearing.

I do one more video for that ... I see if I can do it more relaxed. In fact I will have to do some google searches to explain. I'll play some more peaceful music and see where it leads.

I think I will leave this post at that. 1st Video finished uploading but is still processing the HD version ... give it another 20 minutes after this post and I will make available to you in PM

Catch up soon.

EDIT - FFS it appears the algorithm is having a fit because I used words like torrents and proxy ext. Let's see how it goes if I don't use such words but simply show you. Interesting.
UPDATE - False alarm ... it got over it's fit and is available at a lower res for now. You will still be able to see how I navigate the fear factor / pitfalls that lead others to running away. Just watch the video till the end and you will see what I mean. I am currently accessing the BLUE RAY version of Silent Running ... a sci fi from the 70s.

Scratch the one about sub titles ... having sync issues with that demo ... I PM link to other now and call it a night. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I will reply in full later on. I watched your video and it was (truly) the highlight of my day and week. It was so nice to hear from you personally and I appreciate that you took the time to make it for me. Yeah, my algorithm is quite messed up here as I'm all over the place .. "They" don't know what to make of me. Lol :D ! Thus far, I'm OK with what is showing up. I'm hard to 'pinpoint' both online and in real life; sad to admit. I will reply (both) personally and I'll also reply here and 'tiptoe' around such things so we don't freak others out and have people be all like ... "See, I told ya they're doing all sort of illegal stuff here" as one member here once implied. But I'll just say this much (for now) that still has me laughing ... you said people think they would be taken to another planet ... which actually seems like not such a bad thing. Heeeeeeee !

OK will pull myself together as much as possible and get this Lovely Sunday going as its well past noon and Ive just been in sweat pants this weekend. I didn't get out at all but am alright with it.

Haha - I thought that bs about illegal activity was funny as well. Like that really put the wind up us. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing...y-emoticon.gif
When I was homeless I used to walk into the odd police station when having had enough and plead with them to locked me up. Some people just don't know what true suffering is. Yet obviosly there is much unresolved pain with this one. Sad it is continually shared as bitterness. But what can we do?

I think it is best we leave that to the pop corn : ) as we probably already encouraged it too much. What that idiot did and is doing rates far worse than the harmless act of downloading a couple of torrents. Like I am shaking in my boots.

Moving on.

I hope you have a lovely Sunday and it is going well and or that this finds you having a good rest doing things you enjoy and puts you at ease.

LOL about your comment re the algorithm and they not knowing what to make of you. Very funny. I like that. That is a good thing. Trust me, If I could be so bold as to say. I'm glad we can make each other smile and chuckle in a world that is such a struggle. That said here is to a day that sees us with a little more energy. Thanks for letting me have fun with the video. I enjoy sharing how I do such even if you already knew. I ended up teaching myself more about subtitles which is a good thing for me. I often miss a lot of what it really going on even when using headphones. My sensorial issues can make it hard to focus on dialogue with too much action and background stuff. I actually think some movies make it hard for people with so called normally hearing and sensory levels. The gloss is too overpowering these days in a LOT of movies which is kind of sad and shows just how poorly scripts today really be. I think more a case of too many stars in a regressing world. That said, it's worth taking the time to look and listen.

I'm really looking forward to making time for the following movie. Whilst at times Nicholas Cage does not always hit the mark for me, he can pull off some really great plays and this looks like one of them: (have not seen it but the trailer and sneak peek re file looks not too shabby. I love his look in this movie and how it is contrasted throughout. I can very much relate at the core. I like the concepts of the city Vs the woods and the dynamics being played in that.

" 'We don't get a lot of things to really care about' ... Who has my Pig?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1i-_CRKdh4Y

This too is currently available. Recommend 1080p version at least if you can find it. Oh my - I'm shaking in my boots!

https://i.ibb.co/D4TP6VD/giphy.gif

I also have the Marksman to watch now thanks to you. TY! : D

Please do keep sharing those recommendations. A+++++

Had a cable arrive from CHINA ... it was a long wait but well worth it. The cable allows me to control the RGB Power Extension cables all through one program.
These are the cables I am talking about:
https://www.techpowerup.com/review/l...-24-pin-8-pin/

No big deal - but fun to play with from a PC Enthusiast Hobby perspective. I made a little video ... my computer will be my Xmas tree over the next few weeks. lol

Sorry about the couging in the background ... CV ... what can ya do. hehe : P
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3tLpzsdtBo

Pretty quiet in the forum Sal - Not a soul posting other than you and me. I think we finally might have some peace. ;)

OK with me, but I do hope some people might come back when the dreaded holidays draw closer.

Oh, and I'm either gonna take my thread back and 'dust myself off' or I'll "try again" with a new thread as I'm gonig to need thread. I was going to post it over at NMP, but I'm all over the place lately and here I feel like I can let it all hang out (so to speak - not a pretty picture ...;o))) .

Hopefull we'll hear from some others, but I'm totally fine with it just being us here.

Hope all is well and your week is off to a good start :)

Hi Sal - you got me pondering with your other thread. :) I hear ya man - whatever works I say. Mix things up a bit.

Like I said before I don't have any answers but happy to listen. Sorry if my take misses the mark or seems I am not reading things proper.

When in doubt, just blame it on being blind:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAwS3QXdcw4

Time stamped another one
https://youtu.be/IBuaBOktNio?t=2512

and this one:
https://youtu.be/IBuaBOktNio?t=3132

One more:
https://youtu.be/IBuaBOktNio?t=3412

Deleted my response in perception thread due to the ripple effect which makes sense to me. I was worried I might of created unsettling waves and I don't want to do that. There is nothing 'wrong' about anyone's perception. I struggled with that article for many reasons but feel the ripple effect is a hard one to navigate. So I leave you to express without mudding the waters. Hope this finds you feeling somewhat better today.

Totally understand. I'll try to reply in the AM in your thread. Its 6:30 and I feel numb. Would you believe I didn't save your reply. Sometimes, I save replies when I need to read it later to understand it better. I'm OK that you deleted it and understand. I did read it 2 times myself and I'm glad I did because you helped me with 2 parts - those are actually the only 2 parts that stood out that I was able to latch on to in my incoherent state of mind. As I say, just trying to remember.

1. Sometimes along the lines ... as real as "I". So this is how I took/take that as my mind was/is processing that. What we are told/taught is real and was is (really) real to us is whatever we are feeling. Yeah, I make little sense. Just in case you were wondering (and I'd be you were and partly why you deleted it) , yes, religion ... ugh. Typing and deleted here myself but am going to just hit reply and let go. No need to reply and I will now think about the 2nd thing after a ginger tea. Might help somewhat..

2. Something along the lines ... don't fight it and I'll take that to mean don't fight those feelings and my perception even if blurred as you said that was expected as we age (could be wrong). This time of the year around the holidays, I don't know. I'll think about this tonight and either create new thread or better address it. May have to share details. I don't know.

to be honest nothing feels real and I guess I mean tangible right now, I'm grasping on to nothing solid I"ll admit that. As I sit her getting closer to 7 I'll need to accept it somewhat in order to sleep. I know I'm not alone and I sometime say to myself ... "is this really happening?" "This can't be real" "This is some strange nightmare", but logically I know this is reality and its hazy and blurry and against what I *thought* I understood.

OK, have a nice day and please don't feel you need to reply, I'm just going to hang in there and just won't fight it, so see, that helped or I wouldn't have said that more than once.

Take care my dear friend.

Just letting you know I have read and hope it was OK to have left a tiny acknowledgement in the other thread which was just wishing you well and letting you know I'll always be around.

I know you might not reply and take your time - but I will when I have time (appointments today) I would like to talk a little about the derailment process that often knocks us all down but not meaning to assume or minimize anyone else's experience.

I will be back - if only for you to just read. Thanks heaps for your response. I'm super sensitive to hurting others with my own responses. That said, I find it's better to discuss rather than not. We have to be vulnerable in order to grow. I know that sounds whatever ... let's just say triggering for those with thick skin. Be a Man! Be a Solider!!! I am here to say FUCK THAT SHIT ... I like my pink dresses and like to get sensitive from time to time. It's almost a requirement in my world if I don't want to go insane and kill everyone.

I really do hope we can talk soon and or your able to ride this out .. I too detest this time of year and it's only set to get worse. I will be here. Keep reading at least if your not able to post and or I'll be OK either way.

Heads up ... don't know the time your end (7:14pm here) but settling down with some grounding tunes in the background, a photo or two to share and thinking on with some mindful thoughts towards whatever comes. It'll take me time to waffle on but first going to read you proper now I have time. Back in an hour or so when I hit enter. :) Be well my friend.

Although I deleted my reply, I am glad you got to see it. I too save stuff and stash it someone in a folder for later. :) I only meant to share my own confusion. Is OK - I'm in good space to share the gist of it without a tainted background to which I felt when reading said article. There is within me a spiritual aspect Sal, but trying to dissect it with the mind often results in disconnection. So it is that philosophical and science debates fall very short for me. Long story short, I rate those approaches as problematic as relgion. The language used with wrong and right set a tone that lost the plot which was about the obscure nature of humanity. There are many concepts that abound to this notion that we are all one but it's not so black and white. It's so confusing because on one hand we are taught about the importance of individuality, whilst on the other there are great influential forces always looking to put people into groups (categories) by this notion of all being one and the same. Yet these groups whilst looking to belong get lost is a sea of identity not knowing who they are or what they really be.

I could see how the author was in fact touching on some of this in his or her own way. The split/multiple personality disorders is not something relegated to only those labeled like so. In today's world many of us struggle with not knowing if we are defined by country, state, education, policy all the way down to the type of clothes, car and things we own. More so what we don't own and not today where we shop, visit, and of course medical compliance / history. People self diagnose according to the social tier, prescribed label. We adopt identities like dressing for vouge. We create identities according to whatever the latest addiction is. These dynamics be akin to the drug Soma in a Brave New World were most of us living today are already hooked into a dependency traps whether we like it or not. The needs and desires that well within us are akin to drugs where the chemical reactions that take place within need not the consumption of pills. In this light - whilst we are all thinking in terms of bad foods and pharmaceuticals - we have already been hoodwinked! This is a different perspective which I have not really expressed or explained. At least not like so.

Those of us that have lived long enough to see the game are hooked not so much by designer foods and drugs, but by something already deeply ingrained. All that conditioning since birth re the conflicts of individuality and hive like mentality - Creativity is destroyed the moment children enter into our education system. Need I say anymore. If I do - its would be how they do it with bright colored rainbows right under our noses. Our society is based on deception. That article hits on a few of these things but lost the plot when it proposed those seeking to give up the I apart from the whole were in fact wrong. Adding to that stating it was wrong because some philosophical and science peer reviews ... bla bla bla and sorry but more bla bla bla - more right and wrong ... dissecting this and that and on and on.

In my view disconnecting from said mind sets is the best thing we can do. None of us are going to discover who we are looking for it in some hive mind that is directed by said ideals put forth but whatever hierarchal establishment. Human Society has absolutely nothing to boast about when you know just how much suffering there is for those to go about telling others how it is. Finding the space is something that really stood out in my own reply. This was put aside and marginalized in that article with the comments as they were towards meditators and mystics. Much the same way the media calls anyone that is opposed to the current status as conspiracy theorists. Only to end by saying because of science it is wrong to believe X,Y and Z. Just on those points alone, it mattered little what pieces made sense. The tone and agenda of the article undermined the title and pretty must lost credit the more I read it.

Our thoughts and experiences as proposed by the author is all we will ever be and to think the I can be anything different is wrong to suggest ... well - that's toxic stuff. Its the stuff that keeps people in prison. A great article for those ruling the roost and don't want things to change. I am saying it's OK to be confused, hear different voices and not know who the fuck we are when having lived in said system. Those of us that don't fit, do not because we know it's not a natural state of being. This brings us to the topic of what it really means to be human which has fuck all to do with being in an inescapable hive. Yet the concepts that are making ground in the way we are being held are very much separate to any concepts used to keep people bound. How to break free? Reconnect within. I guarantee you that will not happen by joining some group.
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Here - you got me outside for the first time in months. I went to one of my favorite spots - Chilling with the Kangaroos in the local cemetery:

https://i.ibb.co/P4gdkqg/Pulling-up-at-the-cemetary.png

Here is a close up:
https://i.ibb.co/TbcVG6f/Pulling-up-...cemetary-2.png

LOOK & LISTEN comes to mind here. I've been in a huge rut the last months. What better place to say fuck it all and head off to the cemetery to let it all decompose - and focus on what the fuck ever. No amount of podcasts I listen too will give me what I am looking for. It really is a case of no longer looking. Yet that insight can be had from having looked and listened. That being the essence of why no article based on some pretext of science and philosophy will also never provide an answer to that which we have been conditioned. Unlearn used to be a big theme in the 70s - and whilst still prevalent to some degree - the level of dependency and tech we are at, no longer requires designer foods and drugs to keep us bound. Problem, Reaction and Solution are constantly controlled and manipulated whilst one subscribes to anything in society. Today's technology has us like seeing bots created before our eyes. I take a break and write about that ... another level of depression watching one's world altered on such a level. Is it any wonder people get so negative about the future. How can we offer hope in the face of all that? It's episodic at best.

I might have one last bout of grounding left in me. The ability to clean my body once more and write about how to salvage what it left via focused disconnection that is OK with completely letting go. It has nothing to do with running to the hills, but yea - as much as that author seem to marginalize meditators and mystics, for me that answer does fall somewhere in that. I'd just call it something else in order to take the bad taste out of such things that have been flogged to death and long lost their appeal. The images of such things make me sick and are just as confusing as proponents of philosophy, science and relgion.

It is so hard to talk about the reality of the so called whole - because once you understand how the energy works, it can be frightening and despairing at the same time. It can be all consuming where one gets lost in a hole and takes so long to get out. I'm pretty sure that is what happens to us with our episodes.

Time for a Cuppa. Chin up - once we see the BS and understand why so many of us resist - we can start focusing on those less painful bouts with the focus to welcome the simple things back, in what is left of our life. Huge irony ... Huge irony whilst I work towards completing one section of my creative hobby - but not going to get all guilty about that. I know I could just as easily throw it all away but to what end? Once that project is completed (it never ends) I will be moving my focus back into my health and well being. If I don't I will surely be dead in a year or two. I feel it in my bones. That part of me is oh so easy to just say fuck it, but then there is another part that wants to stick around.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ponder

...That part of me is oh so easy to just say fuck it, but then there is another part that wants to stick around...

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Reading and absorbing today. But yeah, I think we need to stick around and hang in there. Love those pictures and I'm very happy to hear you got outside !!

Quote:

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LOOK & LISTEN comes to mind here

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Perhaps I'll do just that now and not allow myself to fall for the stupid shit out there. I should be careful with what I read these days. Still reading your postings and as you can see by my edits hours later, I'm still processing. Takes a while from my "knee jerk" reaction to actually understanding some (most) days for me.

Tell ya what ... even though I started it Lol .. lets sort of shelf it for another time when things aren't this ape shit crazy.

I do want you to find a way to improve your health. Like, obviously we'll never meet but I do care.

PS: I was going to upload a pic of me in a pink dress but with these cankles its not a pretty sight and I'd need to make sure people have a Barf Bag near. ;)

I think it's time to filter out a few more that just don't get it. In no way am I stereo typing here. I am deeply sorry for those whom may take it that way. Here's to hoping it puts a smile on somebody's face. It took me a lot to convince my wife that I would not tear her zip or fray any seems. I'll make a video later in the day if I get time. I'll be busy ordering my computer parts today but should find a window in all of that. I'll ask the cleaning lady if she can do up my zip before she takes my wife out. Be back late in my day.

Forgive the image quality - it's just a small phone upload currently making its way around Facebook. Sigh ... Friends and family. At least I will know who is who by days end.

It's the closet to pink I could get on short notice:

https://i.ibb.co/b1jQRkm/Dave.png

Your friend always ~ Dave.

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/kiss/big-kiss.gif

Eat your heart out Sandra Bullock :cool:

LOL - Video Coming :)

As Promised

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49UzoWLCwGQ

Another day done. I finally ordered my parts ensuring each one was compatible down to the last minute detail. The culmination of a couple of months thought with nothing left to sell. I can't afford to make mistakes. Waiting for the parts to arrive is a relief. As in I am so glad all the researching is pretty much done. I am going to enjoy the rest. It can be extremely hard for me to disconnect and then reconnect where it matters. The dress routine was a welcome distraction. :)

Several different tracks of space music to wind down with spanning 30ish minutes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icgGyR3iusU

I couldn't help it. Just had to divvy up a pictorial guide of the parts and double check with the guys on Reddit despite having already purchased everything on the list. Is good to go everything as I also have to read the manuals to each parts as they relate to eachtoher. This is first time I have done a custom water cooled loop. I don't mean to bore you guys with it. Like I said, it can take me a long time to wind down. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

https://i.ibb.co/qYR5PLy/GPU-Cusom-Loop-Parts-List.png

Hard to imagine all that gear it dedicated to cooling my graphics card. Then I can safely venture into overclocking and have fun with that - OR - just increase the longevity of my graphics card and learn new creative skills for future builds. I now have some left over parts to begin upgrading my grandson's PC. I only hope the guys over at reddit have good news by way of confirming I have enough parts and the ones I picked will all go together. I'm pretty sure I got it right as I posted on most of them. Too bad if I did not ... I am now completely bust. That is why I spent so much time trying to get every detail right.

Sigh ... what else to do while I wait. I could try tackle a video record of staving myself. Not quite ... being sarcastic for sure. BUT - I would like to try something of a Vlog re getting serious with my health. I'll think more on that.

Again I do feel relieved that I got over this huge research hurdle.

Time to hit the sack. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz night night.

THANKS AGAIN MUM - THE EXTRA BOOST REALLY HELPED! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/ye...y-emoticon.gif I made it count!

https://i.ibb.co/hWT2G1L/Vlog-Orignal.pngDay 1 - Reclaiming My Health.

See what happens. Time to start setting a routine more indicative of the healthier mile stones of my past. More so drawing from that which I know works for me. Holding back is not in my nature although being mindful in whatever quest, helps to navigate the pitfalls for sure. I guess to some degree it is about regaining confidence but without all the self importance humanity is excessively driven to. With my traits I do tend to dive into the extremes and fall into said traps. In that regard I may have to make a separate play list for my mystical esoteric rants that I often enjoy to do. In the mean time I'll be working on making these little health and well being Vlogs short and sweet. That said there will be quite a few check ins, just as I will also be posting more frequently in this new quest to regain my health.

Those posts will most likely be long winded as is what it takes for me to detox, unwind and set new paths. Literally this is what I will be doing to my brain. New pathways leading to more energy that will enable me to venture out a little further each day. Perhaps not in distance, but hopefully in time and outdoor exposure. This mean I need not thrust myself into public gatherings, but more pick my times with earlier mornings and perhaps a few quite evening rides. By public gatherings I mean anywhere there is more than 3 individuals and I often prefer they also be lone souls as well. In terms of society, I see no positive outcomes with marketed sea mentality. Also sold of as Unity and Oneness. I am all about separation and disconnection from that which is unhealthily. In this I am often misunderstood. When two or more a gathered it is much harder to make genuine connection - at least in terms of human society. All good - this angle whilst not inspiring for most - I find quite calming. It's going to take time to more 'effectively' articulate.

Waking up this morning to the sound of rain.

https://i.ibb.co/4P57f93/Vlog-Day-1-...ing-Health.jpg

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Sips on Mint Tea knowing full well I have a lot of cravings and headaches ahead. : D

Good to see your going to start improving your health. Yeah, could take time to detox and get rid of the bad shit Looks like you're off to a good start :)

Yap yep & thanks again Sal. You have been a huge help. - I hear you pretty clear in your other thread and feel very similar about where we put our focus kind of thing.

I will try to be mindful as sometimes when I get more energy I can't help but write about challenging things. That said, I understand the importance of keeping it balanced. I'll keep my ripples in check

We don't have to be part of society in order to find peace and enjoy doing the things we love. I like to think what we have going here is proof enough of that. It would be nice to have more like minds but I am thankful for whatever connections I have. I pretend the other negative bouts/stuff that has been going on ... no longer not exists: just like Xmas and so on. Seems to working and hope it can for you as well.

Like - What day is it?

:)

This one will lighten up the mood Sal - Just watched it 'again.'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7q6Co-nd0lM