What BS - I knew your issue did not even make sense when I first read it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyle's Weight Gain
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What BS - I knew your issue did not even make sense when I first read it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyle's Weight Gain
We never have much luck on this forum with guys named Kyle, do we?
; ) Too funnyQuote:
Originally Posted by jessed03
I do react to Kyle like crazy ;))) no Kyle is like red flag up:))Quote:
Originally Posted by jessed03
BAN ALL KYLE'S! LMAO!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Dahila
On another note, I spoke to my gf last night. (just thinking about this is making me very tense now)....grrrr
She received the results of her biopsy. They have to take more of her cervix out in November. There was a problem, although they didn't say over the phone what that problem is.
My anxiety is through the roof when I'm typing this, thinking about this, and I feel helpless of course too. Nothing I can do about it. Just hope that she's ok.
Thank God I am going to see a Psych today! I'm going to need some assistance in coping skills, and or medications too.
Wishing you all a great day and hopes that mine is too. Somehow!
E-Man.
Eman she will be ok!!!! lets hope everything is going to be ok. It helps.
You're probably right Dahl.
It's just very stressful, an issue creating tension, apprehension, and fears in a man that generally doesn't fear things..
I just had woken back up again from a morning nap, I think, and realized that it is my empathy that is tearing me apart inside. Highly empathetic person. Makes me feel like a pathetic person.
I also remembered something strange too. Not sure why yet.
When I was deathly sick in December of 2012, severe pain, ataxia, seizures, bedridden, couldn't even speak at one time, my girlfriend went out Christmas shopping at the mall until 3 am...
JOYFULLY, HAPPILY, MERRILY...
And then commented about it on Facebook, and told me about how fun, enjoyable, fulfilling, this shopping trip was to her.
What is my point here?
I also recall thinking to myself that there is no friggin way that I could or would be happily fulfillingly merrily be enjoying any friggin thing at Christmas, If She was in My Same Position and Health.
Bingo!
Now that it is she that is in potentially serious health troubles, I OVER EMPATHIZE and now I AM WORRIED, FILLED WITH FEARS, FILLED WITH APPREHENSION, FILLED WITH STRESS...
Empathy and its disadvantages, curses, tortures and torments at work.
I must learn very very quickly, how to turn this off while still remaining to be the caring, compassionate, kind, sensitive person that I really am.
MY life depends on my ability to be able to perform and over come this issue.
I feel as if I could have a nervous breakdown at the moment.
Thank you for reading.
Have a marvelous day!
E-Man :)
Didn't you have an appt today? How did it go?
So here's my lesson for today:
Couple months ago I bought a new car. Now immediately began obsessing that I'd get a door ding in the supermarket lot or wherever. So for say two months every time I come out with groceries, etc I lean over the passenger side and look for my ding.
So, you don't have to be a sleuth to figure this one out. As I pulled into the market today I parked next to this car that was crooked, and I felt weird but as we all do I ignored my feelings, so I came out 15 min later, did the obligatory lean and looksee, and lo and behold....
There was my ding !! Finally !
My old car I could've cared less and for 10 years no ding.
So now I'm sick about it.
to be the caring, compassionate, kind, sensitive person that I really am. Yes, yes it is what i value in the person. Being that way we suffer, it comes with the package, but I would not change myself in a dot. Do not dare to change it too Eman!!! I am like you and proud of it, even everyone especially my partner criticize it. I do not care, I think to be someone like that there is a price to pay and that's fine. Eman it is why I enjoy every contact with you and admire you :)) Everything is going to be ok. Facing the fears is the worst, but usually the events are not as painful as our worry about the outcome. Your gf will be ok!!
Look at the post above. After I bumped my car a few times, I stopped caring. Hubby is telling that i am not going to get the new one, so be it:))) dents and scratches:)) who cares, it is not worth the worry :)
I saw your post when it was just one line long. I thought to myself, it had to be the shortest post of yours I'd ever seen. I felt quite short-changed! I'm glad you added to it. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Im-Suffering
My appointment is at 4pm. I am extremely nervous about it. More stressed about this then having an MRI, surgery, EMG, EEG, blood test, or stitches in my thumb with no anesthetic.
I am teetering on the brink I feel. Thankfully, my Mother just turned off the dumbass court tv crap programs and left here for awhile.
I can empathize with you on the door ding. I had a newer flawless car once when my first child was born 23 years ago. I waxed it every weekend. Changed the oil every 3 months.
ALWAYS parked away from every one, at the back of parking lots and walked further to the door.
My then wife, didn't function like that. She was a "closer parking space" searcher. Would drive up and down the isles looking. She found one, and squeezed the car into it. I wasn't with her.
Sure enough. She returned and There was my ding!! I too was mentally and physically sick about it. I never forgot about it either and I always looked at it afterwards.
I don't know that I ever forgave her for that, it was partly her own fault for her decision to park in between people. Risky. Other people don't care. I wouldn't do that to another car.
Now, I just drive pieces of shit that have dents and dings everywhere so I wouldn't even notice anything new..junky cars.
This event may bother you for awhile, until you choose how to view it a different way as we can choose our own attitudes about circumstances beyond our own control..so they say.
Hope your day gets better friend...
E-Man :)
Thank you very much Dahl. I'm trying to keep myself together the best that I can..Quote:
Originally Posted by Dahila
Blessings friend.
E-Man. :)
I'm waiting for e-man to report back from his appt, I'm very excited for him! In the meantime ill just lament about this here ding.Quote:
Originally Posted by jessed03
Had to take a Xanax when I got there, and when I got home too. ahhhhhh....
Stressful talk, childhood, life, issues, omg...
Just said that "I had a lot on my plate" to deal with and he will write a report to the doctor with some other suggestions for meds to try.
Then set up another appointment for the 15th. Looks like I will be going weekly now. YAY!
I guess it's ok, and the best that we can all do.
Hopefully they will be able to help me, I am counting on them!
Have a good night.
E-Man :)
Things are getting better each day ! Thanks for checking in. You have a good evening as well.Quote:
Originally Posted by Enduronman
The Indianapolis Colts are kickin the shit out of the Texans, it made me smile and laugh. 24-0 in the first quarter. Yes, a good evening! YAY!! zzzzzzzzzzQuote:
Originally Posted by Im-Suffering
E-Man :)
I woke up too damn early again, then some anxiety arrived.
I forced myself to lay back down and figure out how to calm my nerves.
I have an idea of its causes. My drunken parent saying stupid shit last night to me, and, my GP saying that she doesn't want to increase my Xanax dosage because she wants the Psych to see the real me not a medicated version of me. I understand. Still don't like it though!! Talking about the shit that bothers you with another person, stranger, is tough to do.
My doctor also sent me a message this morning that said I should really think about writing a book. She thinks it would be a best seller. She made me smile for a second.
Anyway, enough of the bullshit so I can keep this positive attitude that I just woke up with. I created it by reflecting back on all the beautiful things that I used to be able to do and left it right there.
I just viewed all of the projects within my mind. They were amazingly challenging but all turned out very nicely in the end. I was happy. Clients were happy. It was good times.
Time to kickoff a new day now! F**kin rain again!!! Oh well, I had better get used to that too as winter approaches.
Have a great day!
E-Man :)
Eman have been on Klonopin? It is long lasting 8 hours and works like xanax.
I don't think I've ever tried K-pins. My daughter had them at one time. They caused her memory loss and she did something, that she had forgot. Stressful too!Quote:
Originally Posted by Dahila
Now, I'm going to whine for a minute just because I had to stand in a line for 10 minutes, my friggin ankles are killing me! Even with Oxycodone!...(sigh)...:/
My ankles are generally always sore anyway, but shit this is getting real fuckin old. And, the Oxy makes me want to throw up. In fact, everything makes me want to throw up. Yay.
I've been laying down all fuggin day and just took some more meds to see if that helps. I think Oxy is as strong as it gets. Not sure wtf else to do about this.
Thinking about asking for an MRI of the ankles, maybe that will reveal something. I have my doubts though. Maybe, just a waste of time. IDK!!!
I see the surgeon who cut my leg off on Monday to hear the results of the biopsy. I wonder if that proved to be useful at all. It was really fun to be knocked the fuck out though! zzzzzzzzz zz zz z
Then back to the Psych on Wednesday, hopefully that helps me in some way too. IDK yet. He is writing a report to my doctor. Suggesting other drugs too. Of course! yay... (sigh)
If the rest of my life is going to be like this, then I am going to be one miserable individual. This sucks ass! This shit isn't cool!
I want to shoot a dart in my neck like Will Ferrell did in Old School...pull what out? Wait, wait...yer crazy, yer crazy but I like you, but yer crazy. I feel so tired...plomp.
That's what I want!
Fuck...(sigh)
E-wtf is next-Man. :rolleyes:
Really stressed, anxious.
Trying to pinpoint the major majority of it, and it mostly boils down to living with my alcoholic parent. I hate seeing her get so drunk, every single night. Its making me sicker.
Yes, I have mentioned this to her, many times already. She says that alcohol isn't a drug, says its so sad that I have to take so many pills, staggers around here, mumbles, talks to herself.
Goes in and out the door last night, 23 times! All in the matter of an hour. I heard her say "I'm going to make another drink, fuck it"....she is causing me HIGH ANXIETY.
In all honesty, I think that she is making her life and my life more miserable then it already is. My doctor suggested that maybe I should move into a shelter where I may be happier.
I am taking that into consideration. This place is stressing me the fuck out. I could barely understand her last night. Asking me if I am eating dinner when clearly I was.
She asked me the same question twice!!! With food in front of me, at 7 pm!!!. You think maybe that's what I'm doing???!!!!! (SIGH)...
Got to get out of here today. Going to look at a house with my girlfriend. Then maybe just sit at her house for a little while, away from here...
Thanks for reading.
E-Man :)
You think deadening you senses with drugs is more noble in appearance than alcohol? And any less painful to watch? Vice is vice. Who is to judge pain? Are you any better because the pain is in your ankles, where hers is in her soul? Are you helping to resolve each other's pain? love seeks to heal. Love wants to heal, the other, that is true love because it returns tenfold to you. You have both given up on each other, and turned your backs from thy beloved healing toward vice, and harshness of tongue. The heart would speak differently. If one was in touch with the heart. It is the broken heart that causes so much of the troubles. I give you more here in a paragraph than 2 years of therapy.Quote:
Originally Posted by Enduronman
You watching your mother, is not as painful, to her, as she watching you. Some of the alcohol dulls her own pain, and some the vision of you (which you project). Where is the pride in her son, where has his life gone, the value, the integrity of the soul itself? Who's fault is it? Her shame, guilt is on par. You both love each other. Yet each are helpless to change each other's life. So you have one that dulls that in spirits, and one who's spirits are dulled in physical pain. Your lives are intertwined where you both must learn the same lessons and so you are both stuck in a box until you do.
She gave birth to you. And this as a man you can not relate to. The deep, connections associated with the birthing process. Being of negative slant, she isn't capable of positive e reinforcements, but then neither are you. Two people together in a box, who at the core have the deepest earth connection possible, each watching their beloved fade away. Life has lost its value.
You are walking around your house with a mirror attached to you, and if you move away you will feel even more guilty. Although a small sense of relief, that will be short lived. You both are there for a reason, both metaphysical and physically speaking. You are meant to help and encourage, not to destroys and tear apart.
Destroy her will, you destroy yourself, and the original intent adulterated. Two souls in need of love, care, nurturing. You both might not get that this life, so you will do it again. No escape for the lessons, that s what the pain is about. Ignorance increases the vice grip of the pain.
You get it?
The advice of the shelter is poor for this soul. You are projecting despondency upon the therapist, and thus being open to telepathic suggestions the therapist is no more than a puppet. Projecting despondency has returned a suggestion that would reinforce those expectations, so the shelter idea is corroborating of how you feel inside. Be careful how you feel before sessions, for the expectations will set the tone, and you do want positive reinforcement, do you understand?
Build your mother up, stop tearing her down, even behind her back ! Stop feeling less of a man for living there and beating yourself up in guilt and shame. You feel you are a burden, at you age, there are several negative mental conflicts as you judge yourself for the position you are in.
But you are there for a reason....Two old souls/friends that need to work things out, and help each other find a life again. I tell you.....again...things are not always as they seem. Save her life, and you just might save your own. And here is the paradox, save your own life and you save hers.
I am not editing now, eye strain, so if there is spelling grammar, mistype, so be it, work around it.
Eman when you want to talk you know where to find me. Posting here is senseless
Thank you again for taking time out of your own life, to attempt to assist with mine. Very much appreciated.Quote:
Originally Posted by Im-Suffering
A couple of things that come to my mind, although maybe selfish as they will appear to you.
The medications that I have to take, do not impact and or affect her mentality. They do not make me slobber, stagger, repeat questions, speak harshly about people that she cares about openly, or wander around aimlessly wondering what it is that I am supposed to be doing for her to visually see my impairment. I am on the couch resting, or in my room resting quietly. No effect on her.
Yes, she does always say that she is worried about me, wonders what she can do to help, feels helpless in that sense although I expect nothing from her. There is nothing she can "do" to help.
I can see where that would be troubling to me, as a parent, to watch my child or children, have to lay around all day in pain. Although, I would always project a positive image to them, for them.
In an attempt, to make them feel better about life, themselves, their issues and or struggles. I would not let them see me intoxicated, mumbling, bumbling, stumbling, slobbering on myself.
My Mother has always been the most insensitive person, that I have ever known. And, I am not the only one that feels this same way or makes that same statement about her.
She projects an image, and a life, of misery, grief, despair, upon everyone. Although, she is healthy, able, capable, a millionaire, a new car, a corvette, boats, a home on a beautiful lake.
She herself, has nothing to be so distraught over, or about..unless it is just the fact that she can't help me? She can't fix me? She can't cure me? Helplessness as presented and covered with booze.
If any of my children had spoken to me about their displeasure with me for being an alcoholic, and for causing them increased stress, tension, concern, then I WOULD CHANGE THAT for them.
Without a doubt, without question, without ignoring them, without fail, immediately...for them.
I believe her to be selfish, insensitive, and un-caring of my real concern and feelings.
Or, am I the one that's being selfish here in my thoughts as presented?
I do feel like a burden...
E-Man.
Thank you Dahl.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dahila
Got to go up to my daughters house now to look at the broken car, again!!!... (I wish I could just afford another one for her instead)..
I dread the calls from either of my daughters. Never to just say hello Dad! Always, an issue to deal with, something to fix, something to figure out...
Blessings to you friend.
E-Man..
I hear you, I have to ask " HUG ME' before I even get the smile from mine, but it getting easier with time. Our children are different that we are, I think the best way is to help them when they ask. Eman be happy you can have a contact with them through repairs. There will come the day when you will wait for the call and it never comes through. I am dreading a day when my daughter does not need my help:))
My son already drifted to another city and we see each other ones in three months. For a few hours maybe. Oh man, I do understand you. Yesterday my grandchild came here and we watched the movie together. It was fun she was leaning in me, and I could kiss her as much as I wanted. One day you will have the same feelings. without the children there would be no grandchildren, and they are a blessing:)) Have a wonderful day my dear friend:)
You don't have to like her, or agree with her, but you do have to work it out.
In the last scene of "ghost", - "Molly, it's incredible, the love, the love you take with you forever", now, that is also the hate, for love or hate binds you to that object. So it's safe to say you both have been at this before. In this regard a movie got it right. Of course the demons etc were symbolic of the criminal mind.
So working it out is _ you feel neutral. No emotions one way or the other, the bond is broken. Carry the love if you work it out, and love will bind you. Or work it out and when the emotions are released and you feel nothing, walk away.
But, if you walk away, or run from, with open wounds I'm telling you, you don't want to do this again. You must learn the lessons. This is my legacy to you, if you get it, I can go and Dahila can have her coveted wish. Although I may not disappear altogether as others do receive some form of message from me.
The message is pretty well empty, there's not much more here. I feel it. You are bonded to her by your emotions, and if one of you should die, there will be unfinished business. So, finish your business and stop taking the moments for granted.
If she were to die, you would be led back through the turmoil to love. Once the tantrums are finished. I loved you mom. Why did you behave so badly? You will then feel badly and in that feeling you are blinded as souls.
You hate that which separates you from a loved object, no exceptions. The intensity of the hate is determined by the imagined distance of separation between you and the object of your desire. This applies to all acts of hate, terror, in society. People hate money because it stands in the way of desires, so money becomes the personified evil, projected onto a piece of ordinary paper. In ultimate truth there is only love, rather love is the fount of which all other emotions spring, and to which they all return. Now, you do not have to love mom again, in which case you work out in therapy how to release, and then you make peace with mom, hug her, and let go. With no feelings, either way you are free then to walk away, for eternity. You will have new friends then, and your bond no more. Just the fact she is mom, signifies the soul gave itself no other way this time, for mom is the most intimate of relations, another words, you couldn't simply walk away unless you did the work. And show the soul empathy for she was to do the most terrible of things, the vice, the personality, just to get your attention. Do you understand? Really let this sink in. Print this, lie down comfortably and really feel it.
You are not your personality, you adopt and use a personality to set the conditions in life best suited to work on your challenges, again metaphysically speaking. So show empathy for the soul that chose to act abhorrent, in order to solve personal and family problems. The goal is to overcome and edify. Then you are free to move on and take on different challenges. But you cannot graduate from nursery school if you don't do the homework.
"Mom I love you, why couldn't we work out this separation I felt? " from a child's perspective, and soon enough with no change in that perspective the child becomes an adult.
This is a main topic for therapy. But don't let them give you quick fixes, to move out, etc. There must be psychological healing first because no matter where you end up, you end up there with yourself.
"She projects an image, and a life, of misery, grief, despair, upon everyone. Although, she is healthy, able, capable, a millionaire, a new car, a corvette, boats, a home on a beautiful lake" Everything but love.
"intoxicated, say I love you", "mumbling, say I love you", "bumbling, say I love you", "stumbling, say I love you", " slobbering, say I love you"
"My Mother has always been the most insensitive person, say I love you" If you want to know what is the highest regard for you to.do in all situations ask self "what would love do now?"
I must say, spiritually speaking these messages have very good information as I read them back. Each one usually takes 90 minutes give or take to get it 'all out'.
I type these posts from my favorite window, in my favorite spot, that seems to inspire me ...so you see what I see..
Attachment 1463
I am going to see my oldest daughter today in Indy. As long as my doctors visit goes well, and she's actually there.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dahila
She is now carrying my 3rd grandchild now too. I don't get to see my other grandchildren. They were adopted.
She plans to keep this one though, so that's a great thing!
She just lives in an area where she doesn't want to be, that's why my gf and I were looking at houses, at least part of the reason anyway.
Have a good day friend!
E-Man. :)
I also spoke to my Father about this issue yesterday too. And of course, my girlfriend as well.Quote:
Originally Posted by Im-Suffering
My girlfriend said that I am allowing my Mother to affect my feelings and emotions, so work to stop that. Block her out in a sense. I did.
My Father said that people don't change for other people, that they must want to change themselves. Even though I would change something for my kids, doesn't mean that she would too.
He also said that wise men don't need advice, and a fool won't accept advice. I chose yesterday, to allow her to be her. It's her life. Not mine.
I did not allow her to impact, affect, or change the way that I feel based on her actions, behaviors, or words last night. I was actually relaxed, calm, less anxious, and could care less.
While she drank her mixed drinks and became intoxicated. I viewed things differently. Essentially, I just said fuck it, so be it, in my own mind. It worked!
Today is a new day. I plan to see the doc to hear the results of a biopsy, and also visit my oldest daughter and maybe my youngest daughter too.
The point is that I won't have to be here today, at least for 4 to 6 hours anyway. And its rainy and shitty outside so I know my Mom will be trapped indoors watching Judge Dipshit...
Not me!! YAY!!! I don't care what the doc says and hope that they found something abnormal but if they didn't, oh well. Won't affect me one way or the other.
I will still try to have the best day that I can, and then get this appeal sent out to the SSA. Must have hope that I will someday win this case and it will change my life for the better.
MONEY to take care of myself, my kids, get my own place, do my own thing, and get part of my life back..happily ever after.
Thank you for your thoughts friend.
Many blessings to you...
E-Man :) :)
What stops her from giving you money, she is wealthy. And I'm guessing 75 plus years. What happens when you ask, or do you ask? And secondly, why haven't you made money on the PC where you don't have to move an inch? Say, eBay or craigslist or a website. Or whatever.
Jeff Bezos borrowed a lil money from mom, and in his garage sold a few books. Named his business Amazon. Now that's no coincidence, the name. For the little man in stature had thoughts of a giant. Now even a paraplegic can get from bed to the garage and call FedEx to ship his order.
Is there more guilt and shame for taking and receiving money from mom, but not from living with her? Or taking and receiving from the govt is not so bad because of the physical restrictions.
Now I'm not saying your a mooch, you understand. I am saying you make judgements who to take money from, which are beliefs and in truth it really doesn't matter where it comes from, period. You understand?
That statement is paramount.
You've got this conflict - your family has money yet you can't have any, but there's a justification that as long as your in pain it's alright to live there. It's as if it's payback or, "look what I've become, it's your fault" and at the same time you hate her for not giving. Whether it be love, time, money..
Your in a complex psychological web, there's a lot going on here, do you understand?. If I had more intimate contact with you than a message board, I could help you discover the real truths.....and that is the truth.
Or maybe we can do it right here. We are doing it. Give this post some thought. The physical issues are clearly becoming part of the family dynamics. Remember now,
The body does not attack you, against your will. You believe that because you see people moan and groan about it. Blame it, do all sorts of unholy things to it, repress feelings and expect it to behave. (Yourself included).
And, you believe doctors. Doctors believe in illness and disease, not health. Re-read that sentence a bazillion times until you understand it. Another paramount statement, because you have faith in people that look for illness, you see. And none in yourself or your own powers. You even expect issues because you feel that would be beneficial for your case. A child plays cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, fireman, doctors...cowboys need the Indian, cops need the robber, fireman need people to.save, doctors need disease.
Be careful, children, what game you wish to play, for you then create the need for it.
The need for a fire comes before the actual blaze to fight. The need creates the fire. Police because of the need to fight crime, help create the criminal, telepathically sending messages that people are generally bad in nature and fueling the minds of those teetering on thoughts of committing criminal acts. Pay attention, I'm teaching you here!
At least you have this thread. You can go back to my words even when I am long gone.
You'll be a man on disability when a millionaire sits 10 feet from you in one direction, and a judge in the other. You've got money in every direction - you see, yet you must become sicker to prove the few hundred you'll receive is justified. Better to take a few hundred and prove sickness, than be healthy with a million.
You simply must not become healthy, that would be more terrifying. it would jeopardize all you have worked for.
Why?
I don't mince words, and that's why ponder blocked me, he couldn't take it, yet this very moment whenever he hears the word God he loses his mind, thinking mindfulness or another children's game will bury it for him, and block the hurt. in his thread you replied to he was fine and espousing his new found freedom, until one person pops in and mentions The Lord, and his thankfulness. That was the only trigger needed to set him ablaze. Along with his new found freedom. Ignorance is not healing. Read the whole thread you just replied to.
I see what I see, and that's not with the eyes.
My Mother has always been thrifty, tight, penny pincher, greedy, an excellent money manager, investor and hates to let go of it. I guess it is smart is some regard but it, her behavior, her actions, are ways, means, methods, that I nor my Father understand. He always jokes that she has the first dollar that she ever made. Having her vast wealth, is something that she hides within, hides behind, hides it from others, acts as if she is broke, suffering, and stressed about..money. People with money fret about it, people without money fret without it. I don't understand the first part of that statement. She is a millionaire in cash investments. I've seen the numbers on paper. I don't know if my eyes had ever been bigger or me more surprised when I did see it. I wasn't supposed to see it. Her money was inherited. I had an Uncle Money, (Magnus) and that's what I knew him by. He was a simple man, never married, worked in the iron ore mines of Minnesota, and invested his money wisely in stocks. Some of them purchased for a single penny. He had also set up a trust of which she is somehow now involved in. I recall vaguely something about a $7000.00 a quarter dividend but that was years ago. Who knows what it does now, except for dear old Mom. I don't ask her for money because it causes a giant invisible wall to go up for her to hide behind. And she doesn't ask me if I need any either although my Father does. He is just the exact opposite of her in regards to money. It seems that money makes her evil is some ways. I don't really need any money at the moment and haven't for a few months, after selling everything that I owned. Plus, I don't really "do" anything that requires it anyway. I spend most of my time horizontal, sore, in pain. The bank foreclosed on my home, which was why I was forced to move into here. I KNEW that it was going to be a challenge before I ever arrived, every day. It is very troubling to my mind.Quote:
Originally Posted by Im-Suffering
I am trying to maintain my sanity. Yesterday was a day filled with sarcasm from her. About my doctors appointment, about the fact that the results weren't in yet, about my youngest daughter, about my Father, about a type of sandwich I was eating, and most all of that before she was drunk. I just acted as if I was asleep the rest of the evening. To avoid the sarcasm, pessimism, negativity, bad opinions that I didn't ask for. She doesn't even know she's doing it, or even what she is saying a majority of the time. Just have to evade, avoid, block her out the best that I can.
Today, I must work to get these papers sent out to the SSA. My next appeal, with new information included. To better prove my disability, clarify it, make it more valid. It pays more than a few hundred dollars per month if I win. It pays $3000.00 per month. That would put me in a better environment, position, and allow me to get parts of my life back that I have lost. It won't fix my bad knees and ankles but it will fix and stop these stresses that I must endure while being here. My mind will be at peace, which in turn may allow parts of my body to be at peace too. I will still have physical pains more then likely and maybe for the rest of my life but I can deal with that, just not this mental/emotional pain along with it. I have hope for that to happen. This has been the most difficult and challenging battle in my entire life, but, I have never lost any previous battles before. None. And I have many, many, battles and conflicts to speak of whether physical or mental, I know how to "play the games". I will be victorious. I just have to be patient, and patience is something that I wasn't born with. I've had to learn to have it, to find it, to use it. Tested, challenged, like never before. I will win.
You ask why I don't sell things online, work at this computer, make an income right here like many before me have done or do? You may notice that I am only on here in the mornings for a couple of hours and there's a reason for that. Pain consumes me while sitting in this chair, within that time frame. I am getting very uncomfortable already. I need a new spine from top to bottom. I need new ankles, knees, elbows, wrists too. This is all I have to offer, time wise. I give it my all. Then the pain killers lose the battle, become ineffective. That's why.
You also mentioned my gf, the Judge. Yes, she has money but I won't allow myself to be a burden to her. She asks whether I need money, anything, like my Father does. I won't accept her offerings. Partly because I don't really need anything, anyway, and I don't want to feel like I am a dependent either. She is trying to purchase a larger home now too. On her own, without my income, money, or any financial involvement whatsoever. She can do it alone. She is capable, able, qualified. I will agree with that, allow that, permit that, and will probably love that too. It puts all of us together again in one home. Her, I, and our 5 kids. We're going to look at another home today in fact. We have already looked at one that was large enough but needed way to much additional work, to be just right. There are others out there that will fit us better, we just have to be patient in finding them. Should be an interesting challenge either way and it get me out of here! YAY!!!
I won't ever block you. I also will never make remarks or replies about religion or politics either. I never have, I never will. I avoid those subjects like people try to avoid Ebola. Why? Because they ALWAYS end up in a battle, with no Victor. No one wins. No one becomes less anxious. No one becomes more comfortable with oneself. No one receives an answer that they are here looking for, only more questions for which they can find no real answers too. It throws people off track, off the rails, into another realm of reality and existence. They then try to figure out why they are here, who they are, how they got here, what is their purpose, and all of creation. Way to difficult for anyone to ever understand. To complicated for our minds to comprehend. The cause of Wars, and has, and still does, become the cause or reason for War. For thousands of years...I choose to keep those views to myself. :)
Another wonderful day friend!
E-Man :)
You betcha :) Todays post feels good to me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Enduronman
Fond regards,
IS
Actually felt good to get those papers in the mail today. A relief of some sort, even if I don't win it yet.
Now, I just wait...I'm used to that!
YAY!!! :)
E-Man.. :)
Good morning to you. It's way to early for this shit.
Did have a small amount of relief yesterday, actually got something done. Whether it turns out to be positive or not, I won't know for awhile.
Still no biopsy results in yet. I guess I would have figured 15 days to be plenty of time for that, but I was wrong. Waiting for that too.
I did get to visit with my oldest daughter for a few minutes, at her new place in Indy. She was very apprehensive about being in Indy, when there is really nothing to worry about just because it isn't "home". Our home is now gone. The home that she and her sis grew up in, foreclosed on. Nothing I can do about that. It is what it is.
Her boyfriend is doing everything that he can to make her more comfortable. Painting the apartment, putting down new carpet, making it safer with new locks, etc. He's really trying. Nice.
I've been in contact with my youngest daughter too. She is really struggling while being away from me. Sounds depressed. Wants to be back here, although I know that won't work out for us.
I was forced to move her in with my Father, to get her away from this other Grandparent and her clearly obvious "issues" that impact others around her. Unknowingly. Alcohol. Nasty chemicals.
Grandfather doesn't drink, isn't judgmental, intoxicated, verbally abusive, demanding, critical, and is just the opposite in all aspects. Better for her up there, 20 miles north. More freedom.
I will deal with that issue shortly, and explain to her why its best where she now is. It isn't permanent anyway. These setbacks are only temporary, she'll have to be patient too. Like me.
My son is supposed to come up and visit this weekend, for one night. It's his 16th birthday. He is excited. Which means that I have to do some driving to get him back home some 300 miles total.
I don't find windshield time all that appealing, comfortable, get sore everywhere after about 30 miles or so. Then, I have to focus merely on the tasks at hand. I suffer, painful. Take meds..grrrr
Can't really help my oldest (unless I had my own home), can't really help my other daughter (unless I had a home), I will try to enjoy my one night with my son (ignore the driving part).
My gf wanted me to look at another house last night at 7pm. 25 miles away. I couldn't do it, too tired, too sore, so we made plans to see it on Saturday instead. Better for me. I will be near there anyway while getting my son. She is very excited about this next home, to a point that she isn't seeing the reality of this home's ownership. Too big, too old, too costly, to much upkeep, in a flood plane, flood insurance, large lot, too expensive to heat, taxes too high, doubling her present expenses that sometimes create a challenge already. Hate to burst her bubble. Be realistic.
It would solve one problem quickly, get us all together easily, but create new trouble at the same time. Financial troubles. Financial concern. Financial worry. Financial stresses....
Trying to persuade her to look at homes more "efficient". Newer. Rather than ancient, antique, old, inefficient. A real challenge for me to keep her more grounded.
I just moved out of a 160 year old house. The house itself created stresses with financial issues. $650 per month in utility cost alone. Depending upon the weather outside. Had a fireplace, and a wood stove as well to supplement for heat. Must not make the same mistake, twice. "Your house has such character and charm". I don't give a fuck, that house is eating me alive financially!
I do not want to go through that ever again. I learned a valuable lesson. Must lesson the burden and strain on the billfold and bank. Going to be a hard sell to convince my gf to think rationally.
Not really where I want to be, neither is anyone else though either, but this is just temporary and possible to fix, alter, adjust, to fit everyone. One thing, within my own control. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's time to begin the communications with everyone now, to help them understand what is going on, and when to expect something to get better. Something good to look forward too.
Have a great day! Make this a great day...:)
E-Man
Good morning friend!!!!
I know it's been forever since I popped in here, my bad. It's just life, and I don't need to tell you how it goes.
I've spent some time reading through you posts of the last month or so, wow, you've had quite the time of it, and that's a serious understatement. Buried under the poop pile!
Anyway, I don't have much to offer but my continued friendship, I just so hope you get into a better living situation soon, I can't even begin to imagine what it is like with your mom. I do however understand the money thing, my mom isn't so different. Mine just holds it over your head if you ever have to ask for so much as a nickel.
Stay strong my friend, there really isn't much else we can do. I am however missing your sense of humor, I really haven't seen much of that in the posts I've read. Don't lose that, it is one of your most endearing qualities.
Cheers!
I'll try to keep in touch better as we go along.
Pam
Let me chime in for a quick moment, we will get right into it:Quote:
Originally Posted by Enduronman
Disentangle is the word today. Separate the dramas so they are easier to manage. Concurrently we have health, yours and the gf including all biopsies and results, the government case, the mother, the father, the one daughter, the other, the sons trip, the house your in, the new house, money, the traveling, paperwork and more paperwork, and of course Dr Phil and judge Judy.
Disentangle. When there is a Broadway play, the acts are one after the next, the actors and stage hands both work to separate or section the drama off into small chunks, which gives it overall definition and meaning, the audience then has a chance to recover emotionally between them with breaks. Should the play deal with all acts at once, the audience would become overwhelmed, confused, and splintered.
You may not be able to completely disentangle (in this moment) for you set yourself up in multiple demanding roles at once, you are what Hollywood calls a 'A-list' actor. But even the A list gives attention to one script at a time, fully emersed in the current role.
I am telling you that you have multiple intense dramas playing on your 16 screens at once where you are the lead role, and you simply cannot achieve success this way, or fulfillment, attention. An actor that does this will burn out and wind up unemployed and hospitalized. Washed up.
Now you may not be aware you take on the world are you? Until your gab smack in the middle of multiple crisis, concurrent. At some point in early conditioning you were met with high expectations and a most demanding powerful authoritative command (figurehead) to make sure you accomplish..period. Now the child received this as jumbled signals because there was much on his plate to always do, without the mental maturity on how to accomplish so much being asked, or rather, required of him. He found himself on a merrygoround of never ending challenges to prove his worth and acceptance. When such demands could not be achieved he became hard on himself. That was the beginnings of the physical meltdown of the body. The immune system compromised because of the continual barrage of anger directed inward at the self at fault (guilt, shame). The win (in the child's terms) sought was not completion of the tasks, but in the approval afterward (love). The lack of approval fueled the constant psychological battle in the young mind that simply wanted to be loved. Beliefs became distorted.
Just understanding this will help you in the future to go easy at it. The impatience to get everything sorted quickly, is creating more things to sort, you see.
Heres to disentanglement and a relatively easy day.
It is your screenplay, give yourself an easy role from now on. Simply refuse complexity, period.
Best
I'm -suffering,
Good post and very applicable to so many of us. Thank you for your words.
I believe I was still working on it, it takes a while to get these out, and it comes in chunks. Final was at 9:48.Quote:
Originally Posted by needtogetwell
Good to see you.
Are you fried already Ch? Crispy on both sides. Eh I will repeat after Pam. stay strong!!
Yes Pam. The Giant Poop Pile!Quote:
Originally Posted by needtogetwell
I enjoy your friendship, it means a lot to me.
Yes, exactly. Holds it over my head, even if its just a nickel.
I've asked her twice already to help me with the cost of a car part, only $25. She ignores me, my request, no money on the table yet.
I don't really need it, but since my Dad pays for some of my medications and all of my daughters other fees, I thought I should ask her to contribute. Nope..
I also miss my sense of humor, it was a part of who I was but that has since been lost under this pile of shit. I will try to dig it out, by hand. LOL!
Wishing you the best Pam.
E-Man :)
Yes, agreed. Oh what a tangled web we weave. It HAS been like this for my entire life. Issues on multiple fronts. I have tried to deal with them all at one time. Correct.Quote:
Originally Posted by Im-Suffering
Yes, seeking a sort of approval that I never really received. Doing my best at everything, every step of the way. Very bright, hyper, over active, awarded in class, awarded on the field.
I have a box filled with newspaper clippings of my Accomplishments. Both in school and in sports. Awards. Honor rolls, math, spelling, baseball. Positive recognition.
I didn't get any approval from my parents. I didn't know my Mother or Father even though they were there in the same house until I was 10 years old. hmm, weird.
Then, I was arrested for the first time at 10 after I hit a police car with a tomato. While it was moving. I was a great baseball player, accurate at throwing a ball, fast and hard. LMAO!!
That was the beginning of the end. I began to slowly erode away. Applying less effort in school. The approval I was getting apparently wasn't what I was looking for, or from who I wanted it from.
I was more satisfied and felt more rewarded by the chemical surge within my own body that was created by acts of stupidity and mischief. Then it became criminal. For years.
Arrests, charges, chases, troubles, issues, problems, acts, then of course to court. Always something going on, on multiple fronts. To much activity, to many things happening.
I more then likely burnt out my own adrenal systems during this time up until about age 18. Caused them to go haywire. Faulty. Setting myself up for a fall, mentally and physically.
Which of course, led me to do the same thing that my Father did when he divorced my Mother. He wanted someone else. He wanted something else that he wasn't getting. Love.
Which leads me to where I am today. The tangled train wreck mess of this life. With ALL those things going on around me, within me, and my worn out body and mind tries to deal with it.
Stupid dramatic screenplays, every where! Pieces and parts that are laying on the floor and ground, that I try to pick up and put back together. To make it look, feel, better...
Essentially, I'm just worn out. Ankles and knees were damaged and destroyed by 30 years of climbing, then the disease finished them off. Back, spine, is the same. Just worn out, done.
I was bound and determined to be something that both parents said I wouldn't be, when I dropped out of school. They said I would never make it. I would fail. In a sense, they were right.
I built successful companies, made lots of money, got married, had 3 kids, bought a house, had everything that one could want or need. Only, to fail and watch it all disappear before my eyes.
I told the Psych that yesterday. "It feels like I watched my own death". That is just how it feels to me. Because it feels like everything is now gone. Basically, it is. Except for me..I guess.
Like James Earl Jones said on New Years Eve in the year 2000, on David Letterman. "Everything's gonna splode"....it did! BAAAHAHAAHAAHA!!! YAY!!!!
Give myself an easier role and refuse complexity. My new quest. I can't "fix" everything. Only me.
Much appreciated perspectives, as always friend.
Have a great day too!
E-Man :)