Off to bed ... thought I best lighten up with this one:
I don't care if he %#@!s Chickens ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTTBgRneeWE
Printable View
Off to bed ... thought I best lighten up with this one:
I don't care if he %#@!s Chickens ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTTBgRneeWE
Thank you, I never get sick of Robin.
Late night login ... 30 minutes off 1AM ... Working on a 7km distance zoom Panoramic Stitch that is dead on 1km wide ... using Google to identify the region I've imaged. Using topographic maps to pinpoint start and end points. It's been fun and I have lost track of time. I ended up riding my bike a few km's to get a good angle across the bay. I best listen to some relaxation tunes to wind down. Has been a good distraction for me.
Not really eating clean but getting up a sweat with the bicycle riding. Cough is still lingering damn it!
Hope all is well ... goodnight ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 12:30am
That sounds like fun - can't wait to see more of your pictures - those last ones are beautiful!
Too long to read? Try this → link if your want to chill. Is what I was listening to whilst writing this one up. I'll be referring back to it.
Yea Sal ... it is fun. Sometimes it can bog me down but I'm all for it as I find the creative process helps to alleviated the negative mind sets I'm often prone to. You and the others have been patient with me so is good to share something of worth back. I've been making an effort to recover from the ordeal of having to do that court affidavit. Does not surprise me I got sick after doing that.
The photos/images I am working on are not clear images but will do for my purposes. Just saying don't expect much in the way of clear sharp images. The compact super zoom is more about long range photography for sharing on the net with very little focus on pixel perfection. It's why I use digital filters and use them often. I like the 'less than real effects' as I don't really regard reality in the same way I used to. I've mentioned a few times that I never really got on in the photography forums. Not because I can't pull off great shots with good equipment. I was doing well with polished images and mediocre prosumer gear but sold it all off as my desire took a major hit over the years. I really don't like competitive attitudes and admit I struggle with the ego when it comes to such things. Hard to explain ... coming from a guy that actually likes to cross at the Ts and do the best he can. Lately I try not to be like that - but maybe clean up my dyslexia when I have the energy to edit for easier reading.
I will share some of my old images from time to time as my ... hmmmmm ... 'will' to take photos momentarily comes back into focus . For now I much prefer the solitude I find in long range photography. Such keeps me out of the lime light. Photos from kilometers away taking in the landscape and various people from a distance with pixelated results + some filtering is more fun for me at the moment. Feels safer and more comfortable. So far so good, with keeping active and getting out and about; even if only a couple of hours.
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The setup location with the best angle made itself available around low tide which then also offered up the late afternoon sun. This helped the lacking sensor size of my little compact get a little more detail with greater luminosity and better shadows which give better depth perception. I tried a few other locations with my support worker earlier in the day, but later when I got a call from my son decided to jump on my bicycle and ride back to the previous location. Once I got to my spot I thanked my son for accompanying me, politely explained that I was unable to multitask; as I was deep in thought focusing on new observations re the same day's subject. I was up till 1am the following morning.
Upon seeing the tide had gone out, I was no longer content shooting from the shore line. I decided to push my bike out across the rocks to get a better angle. I would of left my bike locked up some distance from where I ended up - BUT - this township I live in sucks for bike theft and I simply can't afford for my bike to get stolen. I should of kept my $25 one! There was a time I would of ridden my Bicycle across the rocks but I'm now past all that given my busted shoulder now being what it is. I also don't want to chances with that. SO it was that I slowly ventured out pushing and even carrying my bike at certain points over the larger rocks until I got near the end where the sea decided it had receded far enough. I have to admit I was worried about getting back as I had not checked if the tide was going out or coming in. With this being a new spot and given my clumsy approach with bike and all across those rocks I pondered if I was doing the right thing. In the end I thought fuck it - It would not get any worse than ankle or knee deep.
Here is a shot I took fumbling with my phone despite thinking "fuck it" ... as I really did not want to get wet ... I chuckle now because all I really wanted to do after taking my photos was just sit down with my chair like I often used to. Instead ... this time I took the shot and got the hell out of there. Next time I check the tide times and be better prepared. I needed my bike lights for the return journey. Just as well I brought them along.
Perhaps the following image shows better what I mean about my setup location:
https://i.ibb.co/VNpBjSS/Setup-Location-Low-Tide.jpg
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I was about 200m in. The slipper rocks were slippery and it was slow going pushing and carrying the bike. I did not mind, but was just unsure about the tide was all and did not want to rush. The yellow lines pictures are aprox 6km to 6.7km long and 1km apart at the end location. Not in a rush with the rest of the details but will post soon enough.
https://i.ibb.co/sRpNwmL/Forum-intro...main-topic.png
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I just like reflecting on my efforts for now. I share the following image as I reflect on then and now:
This image is with a better camera, when I was much fitter and had a full suspension bike that I actually rode over the large rocks like a balancing act. I carried a lot of gear back then and remember doing so often got in the way of just wanting to relax. That was another reason I sold most of my gear. That said I am now slowly gathering bits and pieces back ... Just not taking as much out in one go and settling for less qualtiy which is OK as I now have different goals:
https://live.staticflickr.com/4468/3...4343318a_h.jpg
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I can't beleive that even though it's only been a couple of years, how just how much I have changed in both terms of physical and mental. I just say I am OK with that fact though. I think the reason why I like to observe so much with my camera and why I have changed from nature to people and buildings has a lot to do with the changes taking place later in life regarding getting older. Not exactly wiser as I still struggle with the ego that latches onto to the same programing that society pedals with all its damn noise and endless construction. The latter something that really shows in my latest panoramic project. I do like to highlight people amongst all that insanity as they are go about their business.
Here is a shot I pulled from 4km on the shore line from said position. She is just a spec in the big picture ... but is fun drawing out the pixels to see what can be found in amongst it all. With a little compact that fits into a large pocket, I feel like the voyager 1 probe if it could feel as it did it's thing traveling the solar system ... and still is doing at some 22 billion km/s distance.
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Best to refer to second image at top to get a perspective on the below image to appreciate the observational hobby that can be had with such a little compact. (Not a bridge camera - might upsize to that soon enough the P1000)
Perhaps not for everyone - but beats my binoculars and also having to cart around a terrestrial telescope. The fact it can take photos and videos is even better. I caught a guy who caught a fish not long ago. I should turn that into a little clip.
One of about eight I stitched together to make the Panoramic. Will share tomorrow if I finish OCDing over it. : )
4.1km to shore line and 6 km to middle house in background. Elevation up to 50+ meters @ highest point!
https://i.ibb.co/9n026v4/Walking-Fluff-Dog-2.jpg
Well that's a wrap with this post. Thanks for letting me share.
Until next post. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Hello peoples. Welcome once more to my backyard. Point Vernon Queensland Australia as seen overhead via google maps in satellite mode.
Allow me to simplify. Gauge all images on the far bottom left hand corner one. I specifically took that one (albeit from the location of the blue dot not too far from my final location which was at low tide as explained in previous post) from the perspective of human vision without any optical aids. You might wonder how I can do that still looking through my camera. I just simply backed off the focal length (zoom/magnification) but not so far back as you get with most online zoom tests or ultrawide field of views that are not natural to the human eye. I zoomed in and out a few times until I thought it matched what I was seeing without the camera. The focal length to emulate the human field of view is different with different sized image sensors (different cameras) and when zooming in and out + background compression (makes background larger) can also be another variable. Having taking the shot at where I figured the human focal length was on par with a person walking by was perfect for this image to be used as a reference for distance and what this little compact camera has to offer in terms of superzoom.
See if you can follow along the pink line as described:
OK - If I explained that well enough and your still with me - then next phase of this puzzle is to focus on the PINK LINES. To me this facet highlights the potential to capture people from a very long distance regardless of the pixelated format as rendered in the displayed overlay resting above the camera in the below picture. (Person walking a dog) From that image, if you follow the pink line to the next overlay (resting above the starting red line [my bike journey]) you will find a key hole looking shaped (which I see now and kicking myself I did not etch that in more) which is the former image but now zoomed out showing you more. Most notably the afternoon sun reflecting off the barkless parts of the tree trunk 'directly in front/adjacent' (camera perspective) of the person having their pre-evening stroll. That tree acts a good marker for the panoramic layout pictured above. It's the exact same tree above it although now zoomed out yet again where the walking is but a couple of rectangular pixels directly under that tree.
Now follow the pink line back to the far bottom left hand corner image which is pretty much how I was seeing wen gazing out across the low tide towards that Dundowan Beach front without the aid of the camera's optics. Just with my own eyes + a pair of prescription glasses. Although as mentioned this was from the position of the blue dot and not where I took the panoramic shot with my bike. The distance is still pretty much the same so still works as a gauge.
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/1/nerd-smiley.gif ...cont below
https://i.ibb.co/SxpnD4K/Introduction-Image.jpg
Moving On ... Just like the that tree trunk, the cropped image of the four houses on the far upper left of the overlaid panoramic show up pretty well. I'm not sure what size houses you guys live in, but it's hard to beleive that around these parts you get only couples living in some of those huge spaces. Not always, but I see a lot of couples (generally older) living it up like so. Apparently there are houses/property worth up to 2 million dollars within Dundowan / this Panoramic.
It's worth noting how the angular perspective combine with the background compression of the zoom can make it really tricky to work out with Google where all those places are at. I had to use an online topography map in conjunction with google earth + google maps to piece all the information together. This kind of became a puzzle for me which I have not yet finished playing with.
I won't go too deep into it now other than to say there is a main road running between the elevations that I refrain from listing in this shot as is busy enough. I'll save that for my next rendition as I cover more the parallel distances in-between houses as too the depth at which some are sitting back. The last house on the far right is HUGE! To the left of that is a house that sits the deepest back into the image with field that will most likely spring up more houses in the near future.
In fact that reminds me of how fast houses are going up in that area that on google map street level I would see none of the houses I was looking for until I did a satellite view. At other times I would see lots with with trucks, backhoes and other assorted building infrastructure. Dundowan does seem to have a lot of different architecture / house designs which does help in locating the different buildings. This project is a great way if your looking to find line of site for either hand held communications, drone flight paths and or just wanting to spec out photography subjects. Consolidating the use of an online topography map really helps. The current laws regarding drones make it difficult for recitational users. As you can tell from the above image I could not help myself. I would have to do a mars flyover of every back yard. Laughs out loud.
I have a couple of ideas for the near future with perhaps the use of the much smaller drones for simple near field shot ... but that is about all. Google is the only drone footage I need with my super zoom. At least for now.
I think this post is complete enough. Not sure when but I'll get around to showing that panoramic soon enough. I need to focus more on the big picture as I consider my next subject whilst learning from this one.
PS - other than using the image in far bottom right hand corner to gauge ... you can also refer to where those two yellow lines converge - re the 2D overhead google map view being where I was with my bike looking through my little camera. Hoping I would not drown as I tried to avoid an incoming tide.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Goodnight.
Unfortunately I do not have a paid image hosting site. This means I am unable to share the higher resolutions images which is how panoramic should be shared. I am setting up to download my Flikr Data to free up space and or create a new account where hopefully I can share pics that way. For now I will just share some at the widest width I can in here.
https://i.ibb.co/4YpxhXv/1800-X-forum-Post.jpg
I went for a drive over to the other side to take a shot of the camera location. They be the rocks I scampered over with my bike although I think the tide was further out and more rocks exposed. That's about 6km shot looking back from the 4 houses in the introductory image in the last post. Magnified of course.
https://i.ibb.co/86pSPcs/1800-Xforum-post.jpg
This one showing more the tree line the runs along the beach but again from the other side. They are fair sized trees considering it's just sandy soil.
https://i.ibb.co/3kHWnTS/1600-X-BLOG-Full-As-Is-1.jpg
Once I can get a popper hosting site up it's more interesting seeing these images at a much lager size that requires scrolling across the screen:
https://i.ibb.co/rQDyJcd/houses-behind-trees.jpg
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Not doing well ... deleted my post but will leave the pics.
Hey Sal ... (or anyone else) when you feeling up to it. Would you mind clicking on the last image and going to the Flikr webpage and then hover the magnifying icon over the image and click once then twice. Once you do that you should be able to move the mouse around to explore the image. Of course this may depend on your screens native resolution. For those running a 1080p screen it should work like that. Those running 4K are beholden to high resolution images where these blog ones of mine want work quite the same as they do for 1080p screens. It will but just not the same. Anyways - understand if your too busy. Just when you can. Cheers.
1:35am here. Finding it really hard to sleep. Unfortanley got some bad news. Still processing. Hope I don't get shot for subbing a months worth of Flikr Pro.
Night ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz I hope.
I'm sorry you got bad news. I know you're processing it and perhaps talking about it at some point could help, but I understand if not. I'll be sure to check in on you each morning. A bit after 7PM here and am just going to find something stupid to watch besides the news and everything because I feel so very raw and just awful.
I can magnify that image twice and explorer it just fine and it very nice.
Hope you can get to sleep and feel better when you wake.
Thanks Sal. Not sure it will help but I am feeling the same way atm.
I too try to sleep and see if I feel better in the morning.
Thanks for checking in. Means a lot.
A little better, I guess. Going for a walk today and see if I can shake it off. About 3PM and sunny today.
Hope your day is better and you can make the best of it regardless of your situation.
Also hope your feeling better Sal. It will pass and what does not we endure as best we can. The affidavit was only a small part of a larger process that is snowballing over the next two weeks. I have appointment with solicitor later but thankful I have support person accompanying me.
I share the following image in the context of 'Time Out!' Unfortanley I sold all my ultralight hiking gear as well. Something I am thinking about picking up once more. This was during a trip atop of ridge line some way from the hustle and bustle but admittedly still within ear shot of a main road where you could here passing vehicles. The following morning we woke up in a thin cloud of smoke as local authorities were performing a 'burn-off.' Where they do a controlled burn of the bush to stave off uncontrollable bush fires. We should of check ahead of time. I can tell you we packed up like there was no tomorrow and got the hell out as we were also illegally camped. You just can't go anywhere anymore.
All that aside - my son and I had a relaxing time:
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TAKING WHATEVER TIME OUT I CAN GET - RESTING UNDER DURESS.
https://i.ibb.co/5FNRvz9/Resting-up-...and-bussel.jpg
I guess there are two takes when therapists give thought to clients who do online journaling. The cons of over-identification Vs the benefits of self-expression. That is not to say each does not come with its own set of pros and cons.
So it is in this awareness I tread lightly as I highlight my current situation entailing tendencies towards separation from a 30-year long relationship with my wife. It pains me to say I genuinely feel I have never been so close to wishing that I be living by myself. It is quite agonizing to think about as part of me wants to stay and the other wishes to be gone. Both lines of thought being quite serious and not reactionary. I’ve felt this way for a while now regardless of those trigger events that typically lead to such thoughts.
I am tired of being referred to as the retarded one. Not always in so many words. Just the one that often is to blame when stuff goes wrong. The view of me from other family members and resultant behavioral patterns that develop unhealthy mind sets that often do more to keep one disabled as opposed to being enabled. Granted the latest proceeding with the family court produce a toxic environment at the best of times with all that contention in and out of whatever buildings has greatly impacted everyone in my family but regardless of that I have felt this way ever since I was ordered out of my wife’s bedroom some years ago.
Things have never been the same for me or moreover things have gone downhill for me in both intimacy and the regard both parties hold for each other. Mutual respect, confidence and all those type of things have taken a huge hit. The ‘system ‘I often refer to is as much a part of that affair and I don’t foresee my perception on such a dynamic would ever change. That said it is quite possible that my confidence might improve in at least finding my peace and being subject to less scrutiny that does more to keep me bound than would otherwise be.
Right now is not a good time to act on anything. I am just expression feelings more than I am intended acts. Whilst it is convenient for others say I am a support for my family in these times, I am also pushed to the side and considered a vulnerability by all those involved. It’s an irony that whilst others would use me in one light, they would quickly view me as said.
So it is that I now contemplate my future being very different than it is now. If a separation is to happen I hope, we can make it a mutual and assisted one where I continue to be included as an ongoing support. My only comfort is knowing that I myself currently have a network of supports. That we all do now. First I need to let proceedings continue and finish without me. It’s clear why I cannot be subject to such a toxic environment regarding court proceedings.
For now I draw upon one of the 2036 images I downloaded from my old Flickr account ... an old selfie superimposed project ... where I was in fact contemplating similar thoughts about six years ago. All in all, I think it’s a fair statement that I can’t wait till this journey ends. I do not choose nor remember choosing anything that so called spiritualist would have people be beleive. I think my greatest issue in life has been limited choices point blank. Of course that is a grey statement. Nothing is black and white.
Did not want to leave this in too much of a downer as I know your also struggling. I have come up with a game plan. I'm still going to force myself outside, eat, walk and so forth. I have organised to go stay at my mums for a while. Just need to work out finances and transport. At this point its more about have time out than making a final desion. The only final descision that matters, is the futre of our grandson.
Its been agreed that I will return and look after him whike my wife and daughter head off for a couple of days to present at the trial.
Not feeling that crash hot but will do what I can to look after myself. Looks like I found my void. Atemps a smile. Night. At least now I have some meds. Chuckles know that kind of sums up things for me. I'll be OK
No, please don't worry about that, I'm fine. Say whatever and however you need to anytime without judgement or feel you need walk on eggshells.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ponder
My good man.. there are so many thoughts I have now after reading this entire posting, but as I keep reading it several times, I realize there is nothing I can say. If something come to mind that might be helpful today, I'll consider some import. Otherwise, I'll just be here to support you to get you through your deep sadness. A picture is worth a thousand words and while they are quiet, you are contemplating looking at the water.
Your wrote:
"Right now is not a good time to act on anything. I am just expression feelings more than I am intended acts. "
I think that is best because you need to heal yourself apart from your family.
Your wrote:
"I'm still going to force myself outside, eat, walk and so forth."
Yes, please do just that and don't just sit around too much and think. Do everything you can to get yourself in a better place because, honestly, you sound (to me) drained by this life (your journey). I agree 100% its exhausting and sometimes peace sounds quite enticing.
although, I know meds haven't helped you in the past very much, I'm glad to hear you have something to help with sleep because that is so very very important to us. When I don't sleep, I'm nobody even remotely human, wheres when I get around 5 hours of sleep, I can be (somewhat) functional.
Please take anything I say with a pinch of salt. I'm so totally 'full of it' most of the time, but I think you are making a good decision to take some times away and stay elsewhere for so many reasons - time out being crucial.
I don't pray and don't know how to send positive vibes (correctly) so I'll just keep you in my thoughts and send along well wishes in text when I can.
And know my heart goes out to you and I (truly) care about you.
more I thought about it, you *could* see it as a vacation to spend some time with your mum, so this way you're not thinking about this the whole time your staying with here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ponder
But, yeah, need to get out and I'm going to force myself today; as well. Sort of crappy here but grey days don't bother me. I have to do a little shopping the dollar store for some essentials - should be ok as my anxiety isn't bad where I go because everyone assumes I'm retarded so I can relate to that feeling. So I don't have to 'pretend' to be something I'm not. Takes the pressure off and I actually stutter and stumble less when I'm not self conscious of it. Hard to explain. Anyway, on a lighter note, I did enjoy a black peppermint tea (actually 2 cups). Going for a walk and someone is picked my up in about 4 hours and hopefully we'll make it to starbucks.
Hope you will feel better today.
Suffice it to say; I'm glad to be home and its quiet YAY!!!
I'm both physically and mentally exhausted and ready to relax with something on netflix - will let you know when I find something - looking for something to escape reality.
Otherwise, I'm ok, I guess. As I said where I go people know me so I feel a bit more at ease.
No need to reply to anything (of course).
I'll likely turn everything off tonight and settle down and just accept that I did the best I could considering my challenges. God knows our journey hasn't been a 'cake walk' by any stretch; thus far anyway.
Find something nice to drink and please be nice to your body and mind today. Be kind to yourself - not always easy to do sometimes.
Thanks Sal. Your advice has really helped give me perspective and also makes me feel more comfortable. For that I am very grateful. Today I was busy packing and organising supports. I am going to view this trip just as you suggest. I apologize that I can't say much more at this time as I am really tired and need sleep to make final prep in the morning and then leave. My long time friend and support person drove about 5 hours to get to my house. He brought his son with him whom knows me as Uncle Dave. We head off in the morning for a six hour journey to my mums where I will be dropped off.
I will go back through your responses again to reply in full later on as I read some stuff that made me smile. Basically your similarities that you share go a long way to validate much of my perspective and as such was the part the makes me feel understood when reading such things. It feels good to be understood. Thank you.
For now I am taking the medicine so should now get to bed and do my bit to get the best out of it.
Thanks again for your support. I did read every word of yours too and thinking of you as well.
Very very heart warming. THANK YOU.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz
Oh, you're very welcome. I'm glad you seem more focused and looking forward to this. Please no worries and try to have fun and just allow yourself to enjoy your vaca. Appreciate even the travel time and scenery and conversation with your friend. Try to talk about things you enjoy and forget about this wacky world we inhabit Lol ;)
I do call my Mom but I haven't seen her in quite some time as I don't travel anymore. I try to appreciate that she has her strange beliefs but I overlook them as I won't have her for long. Any memories that were unpleasant have been forgiven and washed away now and only love remains now.
Non need to even think about the forum unless you want to. In fact, might actually do you good to also take a forum break as well and don't fear; I"ll be here and at nomorepanic (of course) - I think this trip will do you wonders.
thanks for your well wishes and I do plan to also enjoy the upcoming summer weather and even perhaps even enjoy a swim - gawd ... its been ages. Ha!
~Sal
... a couple of snap shots along the way:
https://i.ibb.co/TrKZbs6/On-the-way.jpg
https://i.ibb.co/ZHDCdcw/John-Deer.jpg
Bellow - 8 KILLOMETERS OF WINDY ROAD = About 16km from the Granny Flat
https://i.ibb.co/4dxX0km/Mount-Lindsy.jpg
Is good to have a home. Thanks Nanna! : D
https://i.ibb.co/VMTM3zP/Nannas.jpg
I am managing to do what I have been doing the last week or so with taking pics but this time happy to do it from a car window and indoors. Having the good fortune to be picked up and be driven to my destination meant that I could bring my own table and more computers gear. Having photoshop up and posting on AF is no drain for me. Instead I find doing these these continues to help me during these times. Especially now. That said, I know what you mean. Is all good. I know how to be optimistic when it counts. For now I am just chilling with my usual tunes as well.
Relaxing with environmental controls. The pipes can freeze in these parts and a cold front in on the way.
https://i.ibb.co/ZV14Bzh/Relaxed.jpg
I like what you said about your mum not because that too is very much the same my end but more because of your line of thought when sharing like so. I will share more of the dynamics to this trip because I think you will also like what you hear. Your are right that this trip is good for me. It took some years to bury the hatched with my mum and then my sister. Today I caught up with my niece whom I have not had contact with since a family row back in 2014 over my brothers death. I apologized to her, hugged her and then broke down in tears momentarily. My sister joined in for a hug and all was well. I met some nephews for the first time. So thus far the trip has been very rewarding.
I think I take my last pill for the week as I think I should be right ... will just have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow. For now I kick back watch some relaxing media. Once I feel noddy I'll retire to my new bedroom with my usual ben head phone mount and continue till I basically fall to sleep. The rinse an repeat method from there I will work on over the next 15 days. My grandson gave me a huge hug and is flipping over his abacas calenderer counting the days till I come back. The first couple of days back will be hard as that's when the court case will be in full swing. I'll be wondering about both our futures during couple of days.
This is a wrap for now. I just chill between now and then.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Until next pics ;)
I know Gypsy would like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vS-dJ6WzW0
Oh great, look forward to also enjoying your trip vicariously here. Been a very long time since I've traveled long distance.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ponder
Yeah, I also quite enjoy P!ink as shes is brave and honest and her music reflects here personality well; and I miss Gypsy Lee and hope she's doing alright as we've not heard from her in so long. She's with me on nomorepanic but hasn't posted there in a long time either.
Take good care :)
Not sure how to write this one up. Did I forget to mention I have a really *&^%ed up family? Family dispute has broken out over parents 'Will' which of course never bodes well in family's with a history of dysfunction. It matters little how we got onto the topic but considering matters of illness and age it is no surprise that we did. I think my sister just wanted to let me know her intentions being overseer of the will and that of course she has my best interest at heart. Unfortunately this aspect has been something of a tender issue with me and very bad timing for my sister to bring up given my current position.
I do not share their Christian beliefs which can be frustrating from a hierarchal position being one that often thrives on blame and shame. This has often had me on opposite ends to the family to where my acceptance back into the fold is based on my willingness to comply with their system of belief. It's never written in stone like it once was but the deception is very much the same. The whole issue of being helped with my shoulder surgery was brought up as some kind of beholden thing where of course the help my sister receives is never brought up. My sister yelled at me 'Where have you been the last 20 years!' Other hallmark comments that fit the bill where all present. Again with the fact that I was still in need of being forgiven and that they would do as they saw fit. In fact my mother started yelling at me brining stuff up that I said in anger during the time of my brothers death.
Fuck it man. I really am over this shit. I did not even bring this shit up but after my sister carrying on the way she did "it's easy for you guys as you have lived in rent all your life so I need more to buy a house..." yadda yadda and on with more stupid comments like that. Mine this and mine that. You know I kind of just remained silent thinking about an article I recently read "How to keep your cool in court" that I actually started practicing some of the tips whilst my sister unloaded with all this stuff about being in control of the will and bla bla - I have your back covered. She started putting a price on the house in which both parents are still breathing and I'm just nodding my head letting her come out with more and more. The furniture this and that ... I will have this and you can have that. I'm like "Oh Ok ... what else can I have?" whilst watching how invested my sisters responses kept coming it was clear to me this whole discussion was very much about my sisters laying down her intentions and that was that. She even said that was nothing I could do to change my mothers mind after I quietly challenged her by implying that I ought to have an input.
So there you have it. From Hero to Zero! But it's more complex than that. I am so sick of playing this game of poor black sheep comes on back and then all this strings attached BS with the helping hand Vs good compliance and well to be brutal - feathering the nest mentality. How quick the claws came out with I suggest this may be a good example for an independent non beneficiary when it comes to the passing on of good will. This really upset them all.
Sigh ... I know this may have me read as a hypocrite to those who beleive in such hierarchal structures but I will no longer be party to said strings. Waving money in front of me and offering this and that just not bode well. Kama ... should just stick with the 'don't want anything principle' and deal with hard cold facts and work on accepting that. Sadly any ground that was made was had tonight all come undone and I really should not of been enticed thinking I was going to be unconditionally accepted back into the fold. For me it is still very much a case of standards, greed and position all mixed into one.
I am just as susceptible as my sister to such things, but have no interest in playing the games. I have no filters and no not how to play along. Today it backfired on her and showed me were my parents true feelings still lay.
The good news is that these latest events have endeared my wife closer to me as it is very much the same in her family where her mother has outright said she has cut her out of the will. Quite toxic their relations too. You see how it is with people who have lots of money? The best way is to simply say fuck it and leave well alone. I will now do this, but still hurt about having tried to make efforts as usual but wind up being told once more how they have spent so much on me and how I am still in need of being forgiven. If only I would bow my knee and ask Jesus into my life. Then holly shit, streets of Gold would be mine for the taking. chuckles.
My good friend I know I must seem a complete crack pot having going from much needed time out into a great start that has quickly become a frying pan. Stayed tuned because the way things are going I might very well end up in the streets of this little town looking for another place too call home. I really should of traveled light. I am starting to see the appeal.
My bad to be sure. Yawns ... tonight in need 5mg more. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz z
My assigned psychologist calls me tomorrow. lmfao. Just thinking about how I will be outlining this one.
Good news re court ... the father has lodged no affidavits, has no solicitor and looks as if he is not turning up. I can't blame him with just how much stuff we have brought up. Even his own teenage daughter speaking out against him. The independent child lawyer wants to request an adjournment to investigate further the evidence of ongoing abuse. My wife's lawyer is thinking about just getting all parties to agree with proposed orders where My wife/maternal grandmother gets sole custody and the father only see the child 4 times a year with supervised visits. I am very much down with that. Still thought ... there is a difference between the ICL and my wife's solicitor in all that with more time needed to make decisions which means my wife is and has asked politely for me to 'hang in there' with things having become what they are down on my end.
Me ... I think am nearly at the point to lighten my load and be done with everything and just book myself into the nearest city homeless shelter.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rofl.gif
Narrr - I'll avoid that at all costs. My wife seems more happy to have me back since things went ape shit so suddenly with my family. Funny how that works. She is the one that reminded me about karma and family wills. I fully agree.
Until tomorrow. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
edit ... lets all just blame the devil and say it's too hard to talk about.
Nanna is still cool though. They only turned her right at the last moment with respect to finding the Lord. She never really cared what road I traveled on and was always truly open with no expectations.
OK on the nod now ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Read every word and will write later on - I promise. Lord have mercy, dare I even use that phrase in this instance.
Anyway, sleep it off my friend.
Well, just wow! What can we say, really. Thats fucked up to say the very least.Out of all that, though, I'm actually quite happy to see this, in turn, actually may have given strength and bond you and your wife needed, and I'm glad at least things seem to be headed in the right direction regarding court.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ponder
I didn't intentionally leave out all you addressed that was wrong there, but I don't think there is anything i could say to be of any benefit other than: you tried and it not your fault.
I understand Sal. TY. My wife contacted me via text asking if I got any sleep. I can tell you that means more to me than any of the drama that has ensued. If I may continue with a little context as no more than a means to continue processing without risk of weighing you down, I would like to continue writing a little more about my experience.
When I arrived here, my sister’s clothes were strewn across the bed that I was told where I would be sleeping. It seemed as if no effort was made to tidy up the place or preparations made to make a visiting family member welcome. I have always lived in the shadow of my other siblings. At times it often feels as these family dynamics are intentional and it’s realizations like that, that cuts deeper than the squabbling status and material things.
What I am dealing with here is historical and learned behaviors. Deeply ingrained within a family known of its compulsive disorder. Alas just because my sister is doing what she does subconsciously does not mean it is right. My sisters position in all this is utilizing funds from my parents to help her fight for money from her divorce. Since my recent visit all this talk about money from my sister has never stopped. It really was her the brought up to damn topic of my parents will full stop. But I won’t stop there as revelation’s have come to the boil and I felt given what was in motion I would let run as they did.
I'm often easily played but this time I was more educated and poised to make an informed decision. As I alluded to in my previous post I remained calm whilst letting my sister unravel as she did. The closest I got to 'reacting' was making note to my friend whom dropped me off about the state of the granny flat re my sister making her presence felt. We just stacked all my stuff into one corner then went to request if anyone needed their things in the granny flat; could they please go grab them.
After quietly sneaking into the house. the next big decision was the one where I remained poised lingering in the background whilst my sister and parents were watching the news exchanging opinions. I pondered much in that time from my usual outside perspective. I moved to make a distraction where I was then asked 'what do you want?' at other times it comes out as "Yes David?"
Those distinctions as perceived by me cannot be understood without context. Although I am thinking you might understand me enough by now Sal. Once as a 16-year-old without a home (which was common for me most of my childhood) I had hitched hiked over 1500 kilometers [maybe more or less] to my mother's door and was also asked at that time ... "what do you want?" "Yes David."
I remained pretty calm last night and said I think we need to talk. The usual responses came as they did decades ago - "It hurts too much" - "Your killing us" - "I don't want to talk" - "Just deal with it" with the latter being the most widely used phrase comeback used over the years. After I continued to quietly reason and make suggestions asking if they would consider ... I also made my sisters actions transparent in an act of self-respect for myself, well … I was simply dismissed with lots of yelling and screaming from all three of them. My Step Dad, Mum and Sister all at once.
The weird thing in all this - or maybe not so weird … Hmmm - I don't know how I kept so cool Sal. I think I was just overcome with sadness in an accepting way that held me both sombre and sober. The three of them were yelling and thrashing about and I calmly answered each question as they
“Who the hell do you think you are!" [finger being repeatedly projected into my personal space] I replied, "I am your son, I am your son, and I am your brother.
"You are still in need of forgiveness.“ I replied to my Step Dad, whilst asking the others to please wait, "What do I have to be forgiven for? … I thought we had all moved on?” My Dad just then went on about the money they paid to help with my shoulder surgery whilst banging his chest talking about his rights.
At the same time my mum cried out "How dare you tell me, 'I cut you out of your life!' ..." whilst expressing with bitter sorrow and a screwed thrashing her finger like my sister in my personal space. I replied, "During 'my brother’s death' we all said things we did not mean. I thought had just dealt with that? I know I have.
Basically all three of them were yelling and thrashing about with a unified projected negative mind set using oppressive language designed to put me in my place. I think my unusually poised position even angered them more. My sister started calling me a narcissist and that I was no different to her husband.
I have always been despised for my apparent simpleton way of reflecting truth and always asking questions that I am told give cause for heart attacks. Even as a child I was always told as much. Nothing has changed. Except maybe all the years later when I turn up with a buddha sitting on my dashboard. That event turned out similar to last night but just in a different way.
OK … my therapist is about to call.
I am very glad I have this space. Thanks for listening.
You know much about this 'Temazepam aka Restoril ?' I know it's a valium derivative and quoted online as a good short-term option for sleep. Just wondering if you knew much about it. Like I know I can go read and I have. I have 12 10mg tablets left and I am to cut them in half so that makes for 24 doses left. Generally I was using Diazepam as prescribed by the psychiatrist who DXed me last. There was like a *&^%ing hundred tablets in that bottle he gave me. They must of been 5mg tablets for sure and even then I ended up only using them in one off scenarios with no longer than 3 days max in a row. I actually threw the bottle out with pills in them because I thought they would have to be off having not used then in so long.
Right now though, with the shit going on, I am taking one 5mg every night till I get the fuck out of this pace. I'm just waiting on my ride out of this one horse town which is going to be at least a week away. My step Dad won't let me go out the front door or makes a big deal every time I come into the house with that same shit "Yes? What do you want?" I went to the only local shop that makes hamburgers got myself one and picked up some 2 minute noodles but when I got back was met by a locked security gate after trying to explain to please not lock me out earlier in the day. FFS! I had to bang loudly on that gate as it's connected beyond the house and granny flat. Every time I go out into the yard to get sun, all the local dogs bark like someone is braking into someone's place. Just another fucking thing to make me feel welcome. The sad thing is, it's always been like this when ever I come home. Except when my support person came with me last time. Go figure. Grrrrrrrrr. Doing my best to hold it together.
As good as it is being away from the masses, I feel very vulnerable in a kind of social isolated way and think it matters little what town I am in. I can't wait to get back home. My wife also wants me to come back as well. I'm very glad we have kept out clean record of no separation despite feeling isolated at home as well. Because my wife is not a religious freak there is more flexibility to work around things and I always know exactly how she really feels. Here they pretend all the time until you call them out in which case they turn on you with Gods Vengeance.
Sigh. Srry ... I sense I am going on yet again but fuck it ... it is what it is and it's better out than in. I can see the appeal of owning a car now but don't think I have enough on my pension to keep two. I lost my car when that *&^%ing nut case ran into my car and chase my down with a pick axe! To be sure I got money back and bought another one but told my wife she could have it. I'm kind of skittish driving these days although have been getting back into it for the sake of experience only. The front and back security I put in makes me feel a bit better. Anyways - my wife uses that car all the time for our grandsons needs so I basically just get around with my support worker. My wife makes a good point that we can't afford two cars and although I wish for it at times, she is right as usual. Even if I did go out on my own I don't think I would be better off traveling light in future. No one was to know except maybe my wife how things could of turned out in this one horse town. I'm hoping she gets everything she wants with this court thing and that in her easing off with all that built up stress that over time she will be more receptive to my closing that huge gap that has come about between us. It is still possible and a worth goal to be sure.
Please don't mind me ...
Continued next post:
You know that when they hear me listening to Tibetan vibes and or I break out any Buddhist trinkets, they start praying for me and warn me that is why things go wrong in my life. Me - I find it is only one of the few things that relaxes me. Mostly because it does not judge or have any expectations of me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PszSx4HvKAA
I really can't believe I came back for this shit. Big sigh on that one. The things I got to do to get my wife to feel for me. lol. I will reach out to her when I get back with a goofy look on my face saying "Can I please have a hug now?" I know she will smile and it might be all me holding her tight but that will do.
Yesterday in the shop I saw an old guy that allowed his wife to take me in back in the day when I was going to the local high school. I remembered him as Mr Reed. So I says "Hi Mr Reed" he then looks at me and says something about being to old to be called Mr, going to say that he would be 80 next week. I then searched for words looking about and said "how about Sir? Would that be OK?" Then his wife popped out around the corner with a big smile but kind of keeping it on the low but looking towards me all the same moving into my space with what felt warm vibes. I did not recognize her at first but she was really good to me back in those days. She had me stay on there farm for a while and did not jam their relgion down my throat. I rode their horses like there was no tomorrow - well actually ... their horses bolted on me and I just appeared to make it look easy. LOL. They liked that about me. If I had my way I would have all the towns folk call him Sir Mr Reed. It was nice to run into one of the few foster families I've never really talked about in such a light. Sigh ... fuck my parents man. Truly. How fucking dare they claim I need to be forgiven. It's that religions beholden shit that lead to my brother feeling so ashamed and never being accepted for his past so called misgivings. This back door treatment and the little comments "Yes?" Grrrrrrrr
Truly - this round trip ending up like it has is really is about letting saying my goodbyes. I soften up one last time when my sister came into the flat to collect the last of her things by saying in my meager and earnest voice "I'm not going to contest the will, none of this has anything to do with that." My reason for saying this is to let her have her way, whilst attempting to acknowledge to her the essence of all I tried to explain calmly last night whilst they went hell for leather on me. I do not want the ill feeling so figured alleviating her fear about me contesting the will would be nice to let her now I have no intention of doing. I was hoping the Tibetan tunes in the background with my soft voice and somber demeaner might have her pause and acknowledge some of the essence on her way out. She paused, but then kept moving a split second later taking the last of her things with her. Is all good though. I think it did the right thing because I do not do well leaving things in a bitter way from me end. The con to that is often being easily led but in this case I am not sorry for taking a stand by more so was just trying to make my sister see that I am not so easily led any more but am still kind of heart. I want to say those negative patterns I talked about earlier will change for us all but more often than not when stress mounts like it does we each fall victims to our well known roles.
Knock Knock ... Mum has just knocked on the door for the first time. She came to get something out for the freezer that she was storing there. It was another opportunity to alleviate the tension to which we did. However unresolved issues are not going to change and I can see that now. It's not like I should expect it, but the predisposition as I see it that comes with their way of being Vs my own fallibility means I will have to make more of an effort to leave on a good note despite my frustrations over last night. I will not visit again with my sister being here due to the nature of her invested relations during this time regardless my perceptions on that. Of course this was an unplanned visit and I'm betting my mother did not like the situation either.
I am super sensitive to the agendas people have and my mum has explained she is also getting sick of it as well. People doing too much for her ect ... My step father is pretty much determined to remain vigil to his perspective as he is very much near his end. I can respect that, although very disheartened with his stance as is. If anything, it is all the more reason I must ensure I leave on a good 'touch' with my mum. I may not see her again. The unresolved issues my sister have in the way she negotiates in general, towards her own goals will very much interfere with relations as time moves on from here on in. I really wish mum had her own phone and that my sister was not always on the other end when I call to speak to mum. It's not all the time, but enough and getting more than case. Much deception has been played in the past and it's only set to get worse with automated responses ruling the roost when topics come up that are kept at bay and withheld from others. Again my need for transparency was put in place last night and the fact remains they all beleive that I should have no say. That alone with the complications of one sibling controlling as they do ... is reason enough for me to say my goodbyes while I can. This being good advice from my closest friend.
I am not sure I want a photo. I've never been any good with that when it comes to reflecting on family or people. I guess it must be an ASD thing. I am all about NOW but my experience has been that everyone from my siblings to parents saying it's too painful to be in the now; always later. At least in a way that shows us all up for who we really are. Knows that one it too hard to explain and where words fail. Me expecting too much again or coming back asking people what they mean.
Sigh ... I think it's 5mg time.
I will cry very hard when my mum is gone despite my wife not understanding why I keep coming back despite the dysfunction. It is no different to how my grandson plays destructive with his baby dolls in order that his father likes him. He loves those dolls and nurtures them kindly when he is with me, but then when on skype with his Dad, he smashes them about the place. He explained why and I totally get it. However in that instance intervention is needed and is duly acted on. In my case, I need to be the one to stop playing the role that leads to said suffering. So it is once more I really need to come up with a gentle touch when exiting.
I understand very much why my mother prefers very much for me to return with a support person like I did last time. Sadly they do not understand my wish or head my advice as recommended on the government website to also having a 3rd party executing wills after you are gone. They require me to have a 3rd party, but are unwilling to have one of their own in order to alleviate what they would have made easier for themselves when they are gone and instead put one sibling over another knowing full well the history of past contention. Go figure?
Alas ... if I do ever come back, you can be sure it will be with a 3rd person and hopefully without my sister anywhere to be seen. Yes I still love her ... but no longer trust her and not sure I ever really did. I will leave on good terms with my mum and request a future 'planed' visit without my sister present but to bring along my support person whom I know she likes very much. It will be interesting to see that goes down.
I'll let you know tomorrow. chuckles. Yes this is a stage ... but I am done doing this and life all on my own. Just know this is as real as it gets.
I'm a nut case to be sure ... but I like you sal and I like the confidence you give me just by being one other active member in here making it count.
Later dude ... sorry I have been so consumed.
I am thinking of you too Sal -
I read all, but sorry, this just really made me laugh - I so needed that. Ya know, I've always thought if I ever dared to enter into a church the holy water would start boiling and it would burn down, you I have to work hard to hide these horns... hehe :D For some reason I have visions of them try to perform an exorcist on you. Well, yeah, I guess leave them to their (fear based) beliefs and take it for what its is as you can't change them, they are too far gone. That is a pretty difficult family dynamic to say the very least.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ponder
I'll try to write more later and thank you for thinking of me as well.
You could mix it up on your wife when you get back and say, I'd love a hug but would settle for a pat on the head and maybe you'll get both :)
I wish you luck for the rest of your stay. I know you'll be fine.
I'm glad you shared everything with me and I'm glad to have you as a friend.
You made me laugh as well. Don't worry about getting back before you can and or only write as much you able. It's always great to hear from you, but the last thing I want to to become is a chore. I am a bit worried about that with my friend who dropped me off. I really do not like being in this spot I am in despite having the capacity to mostly never leave on bad terms. Whilst I have done my best to please others I have been unable to sleep regardless of the medication.
I seriously need to get the hell out of here as soon as possible. The nature of my mind works differently than most would think. I have been looping pretty bad since enduring the other night as described. The ear infection I have kept in the quiet is starting to get worse. Is from waring ear buds too much. I have been treating my right ear with ointment but a lump has developed and last night when trying to clean and apply cream, blood has started seeping. I try not to think negatively about it though. I have not tried to bring it up for fear of making it worse simply by mentioning it but the way things are going now ... my body has taking a toll.
Once again - don't worry about replying unless keeping it short suits you. [or you have time to make as long as you want] I appreciated what ever your able to give.
2:03am just glancing on my displays clock.
I am tired but just can't sleep. I will stop taking the medicine now as not even the valium derivative can stave off what I am feeling.
I have undergone demon exorcism 'at least' 3 times:
I will kill time writing about that.
For now I hit enter and make that post on its own.
My experience with demon exorcism is not your typical movie scenario like 'The Rite' with Anthony Hopkins and or Rosemary's Baby or even The Exorcist. That said a dose of Evangelical/Pentecostal/Charismatic Spirituality mixed with Sleep Paralysis can make the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. First you need to be indoctinated with years of brainwashing as a child and then brought up in a dysfunctional home and thereafter be passed around from home to home before you eventually roll out the other side into the world's gutter somewhat premature for what's on offer.
Wind the clock back a little before being ejected. Whilst in Sunday school we did not get the heavy lectures on the 'Mark of the Best' ... in church we did! There my brother and I were also taught that the African drums where a tool for summoning the devil. I remember this now plain as day. The pastor was from Wales and he had a very thick accent and was worshiped for it like they worshiped Jesus. Or perhaps it was another? I do remember how they would bang their fist and accent words with authority when talking about such things. (Not unlike my step Dad the other night when talking about his rights) The descriptive nature on topics such as Spiritual Warfare were quite graphic to say the least. Before CGI I would give these sermons a 9 out of 10 for special effect! Once you combine such masterful telling's that would put Tony Robbins to shame with a little well time music on the side with consolidating prayers well though out in advance, such persuasive and powerful sermons back in the day had people hooked like candy. Many of these creators and followers would go on to be involved in the new age fad that is well known today.
For me this was all the rage in the 70's. My mother was one of the one's hooked on this stuff like a drug. My brother and I used to be dragged around from town to town attending such teachings in a pajamas. I mentioned it before, but this is the context in how as kids we ended watching up a film about 'The Mark of The Best 666' where if you did not take the mark a police man would turn up on a motor bike with a guillotine on the back of it. People who were caught without the mark of the beast we decapitated on the spot. I beleive it was a series of propaganda movies based on the Rapture & Anti Christ found in The Christian Bible in Revelations:
https://i.ibb.co/NVgkvPY/movie-poster-1.jpg
https://i.ibb.co/3pNxbWR/movie-3.jpg
Back then the Assembly of God Church used to show films like these as if it was Gilligan's Island.
Sorry to drag this on. I do however think it important to note the grooming my brother and I underwent as children aged 7 and 9. I can't understate how this facet of the 70's left a wake of *&^%ed up minds from all those other kids that were subject to this kind of doctrine. It's like our current plandemic but on another phycological induced level. I went onto many foster homes that were heavily involved in this kind of thing and a school that banned parents from reading news papers and going to the movies. Once more I have shared how I was dragged out of the movies watching star wars or something to that effect. I can't remember because of the scene my parents made when making a scene. Basically as kids we were heavily indoctinated and deeply entrenched into the Evangelical CULT that was more accepted by main stream than most could fathom today. It is still very much alive and thriving today, but much more compromising and markets to the main stream than ever before. Those that did not fit but wanted something different typically opted for the New Age fad of the 50/60 and thriving 70s. Take your pick.
OK: Demon Exorcism Number One
The Laying On of Hands:
Not which place. It could of been the Christian drug rehab we all held hands in the park praying out loud with public spectators giving us weird looks "The freaks are out again!" or in some aboriginal mission half way during a sermon. Someone in the group will give a speech about someone being in need within said groups for a 'release.' These random episodes were built up to with music either played from a ghetto blaster or by a band. It mattered little which as the formula is pretty much the same. Music and Praying in Tongue as depicted in todays → version I think she has been seeing Tony Robins on the side for a bit of everything. SHHHHHH
Long story short people get caught up in the desire to belong having fallen victim to the emotional buildup where when called out by a similar method that any serial packet psychic would use - people line up whilst the practicing Demon Hunter would lay hands on that person ... continue a public speech for all to hear that entails shame and blame ... music changing pitch and pace not unlike in a movie following along ... the preacher or pastor depending your denomination and indoctrination would start waving their hand in front of you. It's kind of a dance with all that electrified emotion buzzing around the congregation in sync with the music and the literation spewing forth from the directors mouth. People would either faint, play along ... whatever - some would hit the floor without being caught and start to convulse - I LOOSEN THE DEVIL!!! would cry out the hand that struck down the vessel. I LOOSEN THE DEVIL!!! would come again in an almighty projected voice that would see people on the ground twitch all the more. By this stage the younger audience that were not as well exposed as my brother and I would start to cling to their trusted carers. lol - I wonder how many foster kids were getting around. Sigh ... Hell - I even say people visiting for the first time slowly walk for the back door. I'm telling you true as night and day this shit was either lapped up or had people running for the doors.
OMG - I am truly laughing my guts up here but it really was sad that we had to endure that BS. Takes a breath. Man - You know ... there was something about how I processed all that. Whilst I was indoctinated to some degree, something inside me knew there was something wrong with all that ... that it seemed fake but watching everyone getting hooked and it all unfolding like that as a kid was another level of scary. I knew these people were the ones watching over me and I really had no choice in what to do. I just played along until I was ejected and hit the gutter.
Whilst feeling it was fake I still did struggle with the whole Rapture thing that when I was home with my mother and they did not come back from shopping, I would get caught up with chills telling my brother that Jesus had come and our parents where raptured (taken up into heaven) and we were left behind. When they got home saw how worried we were and I explained I thought the second coming had happened (Jesus Returned) and that my brother and I were left behind ... they got the local preacher to come see us and 'sort us out' Me - I chalk that down to the propaganda BS and all that dragging us around in our PJs to all those cult sermons on the god damn topic.
I take a break or start a new post on the next level of Demonic Possession as I would come to know it. ;)
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
4am and still no sleep. However I will write from this prison I now find myself in. It really is all in the mind but the facts as I have come to know them is how real and disabling such thought forms can come to be. The new fang dangled word not really understood by most happy go self thriving bliss seekers of today is MANIFEST! Today that is mostly about Money, Wealth, Job Security, Status and Health. Back in my day when I was a teenage chronic acholic and drug addict sleeping on the city streets, manifesting to me was more about fear and pain. All that shit I just previously posted about regardless of my childhood intuition, was about to get very VERY REAL.
Behind Closed Doors:
When you are at your lowest and I've really covered that in my earlier posts when hitting this forum - all that childhood indoctrinating was something that I found myself clinging too (when finding myself more vulnerable) as I was going from and to Christian Rehabs and Outreach Accommodations. I neve lasted long at those places but whilst there I did open myself up to one on ones usually involving two people and myself. The first version was on public display when I was much younger but now I was subject to private dealings involving the next level of exorcism. It involved the usual angelic babblings and laying on of hands but before you entered into that stage you underwent a more formal interview asking questions about exposure to drugs, phonography then into other religions, eastern philosophies, then into exposure to like wise trinkets, Satan worshiping and on and on.
My homeless experience led me into crossing paths with pretty much all that to some degree or other. I was mostly a spectator but did experiment with casting spells like many others did [quick FAD back in the day but I did sense the physiological changes [body heating up] when playing around like so]. I am a very visual person and once again whilst not always feeling it to be right opened myself up to all kinds of thought forms and embraced them whilst participating. Not everything I did was fully involvement and it did not have to be. Like if you just attended a Hare Krishnas soup kitchen then they considered you to have demons. Especially if you were (in today's word) in a low vibrational state which I was for most of my homeless years. To some degree I am open to the idea of how that can work but I share that latter in terms of recovery if I dare.
For now it is enough to know that the level of exorcism that I had undergone on my behind closed doors was from there point of view quite serious. During that time I was still skeptical despite still believing in the concept of Jesus. That was more a security blanket I would us to find comfort on and off the street. Long story short I think the damage to my psyche was the act of being involved with people continually shaming and blaming me. I keep saying that or bringing up that aspect but that is how religion works on all levels - Point Blank. But to keep in tune with the personal performance of people praying over you with dead certainty from their position gets a little chilling when you feel they beleive what they are doing. I said three times when I started this, I think I meant I experience three different types of releasing demons. The more I think about it ... this happened to me more regularly than I care to admit. But I did not shake and convulse or feel any spirits leave me.
Everyone wants to become a demon slayer and or healer.
Self Exorcism -
I guess the other aspect of releasing demons is being taught how to do it yourself. Sleep paralysis can be a bitch when indoctrinated like so. Comes back to that story where I was swept off the streets by a pastor's son and taken to his home. That night I had what would become a repeating event. I would wake up paralyzed unable to breathe properly looking at myself from the roof down. I saw myself laying on the top bunk where the pastor's kid said I could sleep. I'm pretty sure this was the first episode of this phenomena called sleep paralysis. This is not something you want with a background as mine.
I switched from being on the roof looking down at myself to being back in the bed looking up. I wanted to get up but there was a weight holding me down and so strong it was I was unable to breathe. I pushed my mind with all I called to verbalize 'In the name of Jesus' as I was taught to do as a child in all matters of spiritual warfare. The fact I was struggling for breath scared me all the more and made me feel that this shit was real. Slowly I was able to stutter out some words ... I kept reciting as I had seen all those preacher do before me. Eventually I was able to come up with IN THE NAME OF JESUSE I LOSSEN YOU!!! I started to breath and was able to move but was scared shittless over what had happened. I can't remember if I woke the other guy up ... when I say kid he was in his early 20s ... I was 17 having already been homeless for some time.
I do remember that when I asked him if he heard me struggling he said yes but he too was unable to get up. Now I will never know if that is true but I can tell you I sensed the fear in him that morning and after he told his dad I was ejected out of that house quicker than you can say I LOOSEN YOU!!!
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I went on to suffer more episodes for years to come. I eventually gave up calling upon Jesus but was still scared shittless. I thank my wife as she helped me give up my relgion. My family hate her for that and will probably have a clause in the will that I must not be with her. My wife has stood by my side all these years whatever way I look at it. Whereas now my family just want absolution for all the BS. My sister started going on about my wife when she brought up all that parents will shit. Point is - I really owe my wife for helping me give up religion. She saw me struggling to do so over our 30 years. I would say I finally gave it up 'Completely' about 12 years ago when I was 40. Believe me when I say depending on how entrenched you become it can take a life time to give up that shit.
As for thought forms - I do beleive those are real and that's another nightmare in itself yet can be mastered to some degree. I have come to see mainstream non secular types just as hoodwinked and dosed with fear as any of the cults I have been in. That is to say sport fans, flag flying patriots, newspaper readers (although not for the same reason as the cult I mentioned) news watchers, public servants, front line responders, doctors, nurses, blue colored and all workers of all sorts, radicalizes, victims groups and on and on and on. All that be ingredients sown with the very same deception techniques that I was privileged to see from zero to hero. WTF ever. I'll leave that at that.
Now ... I leave the reptilians and the galactic saviors for another day.
Now you know why I watch horror movies with apprehension. ;)
You aren't and never will be a chore, its great to hear from you as well and I do want the best for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ponder
Gosh, I'm actually glad I mentioned that (sort of) jokingly as you were able to get all that out. I'll read in the AM. A bit after 8PM and hopefully you were able to get some sleep.
I'm doing ok, I guess. I don't know. Just going to enjoy a tea and watch something silly. I like silly 'hack em' up slasher' type horror and not the religious based crap that is becoming popular again. New comedy is hard now to get me laughing anymore. I don't know. Sometimes struggle with movies and drift into worry and a movie is supposed to give you an escape imo. Sometimes I also get triggered by something. Hard to explain.
Hopefully its a dry heat where I'm going ... ha :)
Take care as best as possible.
I think you were meant to say it. It really helped me pass the time. I thought it was 4am but see my last edit was 5:18am when I am logged in. I've had about 1 and a half hours sleep. It rained a little but now the sun is up. I am still feeling too self conscious to go outside but will try later. There is no park to go walking around here and yesterday when I was in the shop I felt lightheaded which reminded my how I used to feel like fainting long time ago in my past when feeling like I was on display. I think this is something people in this forum can relate to in terms of anxiety and social phobia. I like small towns due to the lack of traffic and noise but the adverse effect is feeling I stand out more which I do not like. If not for my infected ear I would wear ear buds and be half OK. I also don't have clothes that make me feel right as I have become so overweight and also do not like who I have become.
OK - enough of that BS - talking like that does not help - but it's true. It's how I have been feeling for a long time and now I am here it feels worse. This is why I am so frustrated I can't sit out in my parents backyard without the neighborhood dogs barking like so.
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Here is an image I baked earlier by joining a couple of shots from my friends last visit and his drone. Line of site to mount Lindsey is 11.6 km (the mountain I pictured earlier)
https://i.ibb.co/WPq68bx/Woodenbong-1.jpg
This town is just where I went to high school. I never lived here at all. I share my earlier home for as long as it lasted. That one is about half the size of the one pictured here. The following town has a population of 440 ... but was 300 when I live there some 39 years ago. I guess 140 people increase in about 40 years is not bad:
Unlike Mount Lindsey - The Crown Mountain in the foreground was much easier to climb and something we did instead of surf the internet which did not exist back then. Not that I would go bounding up it now:
https://i.ibb.co/8jGkv3c/Urbenville-from-crown.jpg
The drone flys a little closer. Line of sight Urbenville to Woodenbong is the exact same distance as MT Lindsey is to Woodebong. 11.6 km.
Saw mill on the bottom entry and road to Woodenbong upper middle.
https://i.ibb.co/gjQmFV9/closer.jpg
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https://i.ibb.co/Jsn98k9/Topography-Map.jpg
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I try to sleep again.
What started as a big decision regarding my wife and I has completely turned upside down to instead being more about that of my Step-Dad, Mum & Sister. The small talk from my mother has lost all it's warmth no matter how hard she tries. The drama continues as they carry on with judging my wife. My wife has spent more than twice the years than my family ever tried to care for me. She has never rejected me by throwing me out of the home or buying me off with trinkets or money. To be sure we have had our ups and downs but over all despite her need for distance, she has been way more forgiving than my so called Christian family.
What to do? They want to talk to me support person when he comes, however I already know it's just another sidelining tactic. It would be the end of our friendship if he allowed himself to be strung along. I think I will have all my gear ready to go before he arrives. Load up as soon as his wheels pulls up and be on my way for good. I am too old for all that finger pointing and the way they just tore threw me the other night is like ripping open up old wounds. A LOT of work has gone into me over the last few years regarding healing. I have to concede to a recent post about cutting toxic people out of one's life might actually be a good idea in terms of my current situation.
It's not cut and dry though. My sister is leaving earlier than intended due to my mother wishing it so. Today my sister attempted to order me out of the house because she did not like hearing what I had to say. Because neither my mother or step-dad asked me to leave I said "no" to which my sister thought she would ring the police. My mother quickly stopped her whilst I suggested it might be a good idea. I knew I had done nothing wrong and further invited my sister to follow up with calling the police. I exclaimed "I am sure the police would be very interested in the drug stash you have upstairs?"
"Oh we don't mind you sister having medical marijuana David" says my mum when she came to see me in the granny flat. I say, "No it is not. I thought I would endear myself and have a smoke with my sister. You know I don't normally drink or smoke. Believe me when I say it is low grade street pot laced with something that makes someone like me go into a spin. I spent hours trying to come down after going along one of my sisters late night walks" I also said "...and that oil she is using on top of it has gone through many hands, that too is not legal.
I really could not give a shit about the drugs and if it was as mild and tame as it used to be back in the 80s as I once knew it I probably would of enjoyed having the one off. The fact is my sister has become an addict and if it was all above board she would not be running about hiding it and freaking out every time mum would make an entrance. The way my brother was treated for his pot smoking ways and then to later see my sister acting like this was a huge disappointment when I first discovered she had wound up this way. Long story short the irony is way over the top. To know how far I myself have come as both an x-addict and alchy to see my sister manipulating and playing these games. She overreached today and I made that big decision regarding her and I.
My Step-Dad ... what about him? Well he thinks I still need to be forgiven and all that money he spent on shoulder surgery ... well he just confuses the fuck out of me because after throwing that back in my face I asked for his bank account details to work out a system of payments that whilst would take a long time, would at least maybe help to alleviate whatever pain was coming from his inability to hear how many times I had already expressed gratitude. No such thing as non-conditional love with this lot. I will always be a sinner that owes him money and not worthy of having any input with the latter being his final verdict when it came to my request to simply be heard. He can do what he want's with his money. I don't want or need it.
My Mother? This be the hardest decision for me as my need to finally be understood and appreciated I admit is extreme. Because I pressed for it during this stay with my sister carrying on with her self entitlement, my mouther finally came out with a few home truths that would of been nice to know. The reason my sister from my perspective is always intercepting calls and ever present to what I consider annoying regarding my reintegration is because she is my mothers carer. A lot of angst and misunderstanding could of been alleviated if this was explained earlier to me. Alas I am never told anything. My mother and sister used to talk a lot behind the scenes where much work went into keeping information from both brothers like where was was staying, visiting or living. Keeping us separated was just one of many games. Deception being something that went well with all the secrecy behind the scenes. Another reason I no longer have time for my sister when she drags up all this talk of money. My mother finally made it official and said yes your sister will execute the will. It's the damn secrets they hold onto that is toxic more than the surprises themselves.
Lost track ... back to my mother. I can sympathize that in her twilight years she is in a tricky position wanting the same thing from me that I would like from her - yet knowing I am not the same when it comes to being manipulated. Much more tricky now since my wife has educated me. This brings me to the bitterness that is held towards my wife. I fully appreciate that we can't all be expected to be friends with out sons and daughters partners. I have adult kids of my own where the dynamics of partners is very much a tricky one. But to harbor such bitterness towards these extended family members is just not within me. This side of religious people is the most toxic I have ever seen. The religious bond where my Sister, Mother and Step-Dad pray over uncomfortable issues is really just a *&^&%ing ploy to not deal with or listen to others as well as harbor and justify all that bitterness and then say it is others that are in need of forgiveness?
Am I really on my own with such toxic family dynamics? Surely not?
I won't have them use my labels against me or tell me my wife has short comings. She does way more for me and understands me without that kind of toxic treatment. Sigh -
Best I can say it that I will not share any of this with my mother. Christ knows I have tried enough times. "Oh it hurts ... I can't talk about it ... Your wires name - don't make me say it ... OUCH! - ..."
And with everything that has gone on they still can't see the sense in wishing to use a 3rd party for their will just as they want to use a 3rd party when dealing with me. That right there is knowing what they are doing by putting my sister over me. I fathom it is very much to do with their Christian 'unity' as depicted in those damn 'propaganda films' that traumatized us kids. AND - these biblical types with all the blame and shame which has been clearly enacted on this latest visit are also big on 'punishing' That is huge and why religion is goes hand in hand with militant attitude.
So I wonder if you can see my dilemma re my mother? I know she is 100% genuine with wanting to show and express affection for me just as I wish to do the same for her.
I think I will tell her I do understand her position and spend whatever time I have to spend here watching a few movies with her as I know she would like me to do. However I will have to tell here towards the end when I am leaving (and pick my time doing it) that there will be no sit down with my support person that anything they have to say they can just tell me. I will maybe offer to come back but never when my sister is present and I am happy to come back with support person on a planed visit - BUT just between you guys and me ...
I really want nothing to do with this family anymore. I think I can continue relations over the phone and care less for this toxic concept of a WILL. At least as that concept be for my family. Is best to just expect nothing and work on what I can over the phone with my mother. I really need to put my foot down with all this controlling and game playing. I'll maybe offer my mother a visit after my Stepdad passes away. I won't say it like that but I will allude to it somehow. She knows I wont be doing anyone's funeral. I find those gatherings to be total BS and a massive trigger for families like mine. Best I did with my brother was invite some of his friends that were not welcome and hang up the very back in a corner. My brother really was the only one that understood me as I did him. I've just been clinging to the idea re my mother like a burnt child in need. My therapist will get it.
The only funeral I will do in my life time and I hope I don't have to is either my own children or my wife. We have stickily canceled out any biblical references whatsoever and or religious symbolism. Thankfully the world is offering more options these days with less and less BS being the case with end of life.
I really got to make a stand and let go of this family. I'll leave the lines open for my mum but no longer interested in their will (I always knew it would be bad Kama - my wife is so right about that) or even this granny flat. This visit has really helped to open my eyes.
Now ... another 10 days to go unless I work things out a bit earlier.
Wow, thank you for sharing those picture of where you grew up. It looks beautiful.
I"m here for you and reading and the 10 days can't come fast enough.
Context: Here I Go Again ...
https://i.ibb.co/PQVh8Hx/On-With-My-Day.gif
I actually don't mind working on auto pilot Sal. This is one I put together not long after my wife decided she needed space. Its been about five years now and I would do well to upgrade that mattress. There is a hell of a lot to be said for routine. I dearly miss it. It's really hard to get the simple things down pat with so much undue stress. A big part of this journal is the abilty to self program. I've lost control of that over the last few years. I've struggled recently with getting back into the basics but going to make another go of things re my self programming.
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I hate to admit it, but I had to do a backflip and bow down to all three of them. I don't mean to sound or be selfish in saying this, but I also had to do it for myself. Remember when I said I don't do well leaving things on a bad note? Yes I tried a few times and it did not work and for all intent purposes, it still has not when it comes to me being understood for who I am as each of them still wants me to think and feel according to what they see as just. This makes me very sad. This is why words fail me when I am not writing. I'm not sure if people in here would rate me as articulate, but liking to think so ... my point is that when not writing in here ... it hurts me to communicate with words in a world where people would rather tell others how to be, rather than simply just be.
Once this trip is over I will stop writing about the drama of my daily living. I hope to make future posts as mundane as the gif I created so long ago when things where actually much more self directed than they now be - despite my title "Here We Go Again ..." That was from my old YouTube Channel that I never really got going. Mental Health Vlogs.
I hope my wife understands. I think she will if I explain mindfully. I know how much it means to her for me to bend over and simply just take it from the courts. If I can't do it with my own family then I will never be able to do it with anyone outside it. Another way to maybe perceive it, "It's one thing to say I don't give two $#@!s about the money, but then let my ego lead the way." If something is not working, then is best to change one's point of view. I remember saying that recently. That's all I am doing. I did say when attempting to bridge the gaps yet again, that I will not always fit their boxes as that is not who I be, however I will do my best to accommodate their position if it puts them at ease. This meant I had to sit for up to 20 minutes battling the little voice in my head whom was having a hard time with what it was hearing and even more so that when I tried to share my perspective I simply had to accept that I was not being heard with the same mutual respect unless I was agreeing to how they wanted me to be. I did my best to remain true to myself but in a way that just had to allow them what they wanted to see. That is not meaning the next time I see them I will disregard their expectations by allowing my ego to start having it's own set of perquisites that others must fit into. Self respect yes, but that's not it. It's hard to explain without looking like a complete sap.
I basically got to do my best with the principle of 'die to self' even though I am facing what appears to be the total opposite from that which I am facing. My silent demeanor can be very challenging to others who thrive on constant feedback who then become more demanding the longer I pause whilst myself remaining emotionless. I just color coded those words as that is one of many traits where I am not understood. I admit that I also struggle with this trait when I see it in others, so understand why people get conflicted when confronted with said silence. "Are You Listening!" is something that has been repeated a lot to me of late. Not because it is obvious that I am not listening, but because they are wanting an answer straight away and one that they want rather than the mutual act of actually listening. Being on the spectrum can make this really hard when communicating let alone dealing with people that are less willing to provide space.
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There are extremes to these dynamics of communicating where the I can be found passionately speaking at speed and well understood but then at other times I am rather slow in thought struggling to find words typically with people who simply either do not respect and or understand me. Basically I stand with much of what I have said regarding my perception of my family and have tried to express how they do not and in my opinion will never understand me. That said, I have often talked about acceptance and ego. It's true, I don't give a shit about the money and whilst frustrated with my sisters focus on it of late regarding her own separation, I do understand he fear of the future and all that it may or may not hold. I for sure do not like the standards and expectations that my stepdad requires of me, but if he says he want's good for me and wants me to accept his desire regardless of how I feel ... I just say or said "It means a lot that you wish that for me, Thank You." I mean what is the point feeding my ego that knows that all three of them will never accept me for who I be.
Let not that last resistive thought diminish that act of giving in and allowing gratitude for the well wishing coming from those others whom are struggling themselves. It frustrates the hell out of me though. lol Alas I am in the best position at this point in my life to temper my ego and hopefully grow from it. There are so many conflicts I struggle to deal with in other people simply from my inability to process as I once did. Like I am still the same as I have ever been but the onion peels that have been stripped away means dealing in general life as the world be and people be ... as the programing and algorithms be ... makes living all that much harder.
In the spirit of the above gif, all I want to do is wake up in the morning and do what I got to do to get trough the day and keep doing it until my time is done. That spirit need not identify with the desires and wants of others, but if it helps me sleep at night, I will concede.
For now - I'll also take another 5mg as well. I skipped last night but since tomorrow is going to be another challenging day saying good by to my sister and dealing with my niece and nephews - every bit of help I can get will count. The good news Sal, is that it looks like I will be able to get away in about 4 days instead of 10. Touch Wood! Do not mistake my willingness to give in as weakness. It's %#@!ing hard core to do but I know in the end once I get back home I will be all the better for it. Then I can truly feel as it I did all I could.
Fact is, when I am supported you would not beleive the difference in the way I am treated.
I might actually have a shave and shower when I wake up tomorrow.
I hope this finds you well.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz another day done!
For what its worth.. I think you're doing the 'right thing' by not leaving things in a bad way. You're stronger than I; I'm not even on speaking terms with a lot of my family. I tried several years ago and it failed, but I know in my heart I did my best. I mean we are only human.
I understand you well I think after reading this and our other talks in other places here and you were always there to help me and seemed to know what to say and not say.
Don't worry, you won't get addicted and skipping a day was a good idea. If used for more than 3 day it just starts to lose effectiveness honestly; because, you're not lacking GABA, rather boosting that neurotransmitter to "offset" other areas where stress is causing you issues. An extra 5MG isn't going to hurt. I'm on clonazepam (a benzo) and am trying to actually cut back myself .. and I have indeed from where I was. Without it everything seems daunting and my APRN also doesn't want to to wind up hospitalized again. I just managed it myself and cut back when I can and if I need it, its there.
And I also understand and support you with what ever you want to post or need to. As you see, I don't post much anymore here or elsewhere. I play forum chit-chat and try to help others. I guess I'm just sick of my shit ... haha :)
But I'm glad you had/have this space here and I'm glad to be here to talk to you during this (we'll call it) strange time. Family can be so difficult to deal with when we are supposed (taught) that family it there to comfort us. Well. I've never experienced this phenomenon; myself.
I'm ok, I guess. Ya know, sort of just going on auto pilot here as well most days and just getting through the day and when its bed time (around 10PM) I consider it yesterday and in the past and tomorrow is new day and I never know what I"m waking up to. Sometimes I'm quite scrambled and it takes time for me to get a grip.