~ PONDER : Back On The Perch - Sometimes Raw, Sometimes Not. "b^.^d"

Fatigue as been a big issues of late. It's not just bad choices re food and the amount to fill the void but also lack of sleep and a number of other things. I did ride to my friends house but find I get tired easily when doing those short trips. It's early just after 7:30pm but I am going to have an early night. Just logging in and making a note about the fatigue. It's been very raining here these last few weeks. Back yard is still very boggy. I am pleased to say that the 3 hours house work this morning was also a good thing.

I see how I do making more of an effort to get out the door for early dawn walks before there is too much light. My morning posts of old after such a routine where full of much more energy.

Sounds like a plan - early night ... get up early and go straight for a walk and then see if I can come up with some kind of positive outlook therafter.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Some ASMR and drift off after that ...

Hey Ponder, got your message thanks (I can't find the PMs using this phone).

Hello again Gypsy. I understand re the phone. Is the same for me. Seriously in here is just as good as any other place however if you want to share anything you don't want public your more than welcome to use PM when in desktop mode OR use the email I have linked you up with.

Excuse typos in this one - I edited a little but not enough to make an easy read ... just freestyling before making the push to get out my door. There are plenty of mistakes ... now we all know.

Regarding Facebook. I actually had to lock it down to only family today. This is something I have been meaning to do for a whiles now. Still getting contacted by other survivors re the huge post I made in here some years ago can be hard to endure. That's the main reason I have locked my account now. I mean not to offend those reaching out but is just something I am now to worn out to do anymore. I have really aged before my time when it comes to tolerances on such levels. People just don't understand how much I am not the conditioned person I used to be. More over people do not understand that in my quest to De-Culture, that what others still cling too ... *sperate to the abuse* ... but more so societal conditioning - that when I hear others speak the language of ingrained culture ... it just pushed me away kind of thing. Not so easy to explain ... although I could/can do it for those who are able to read the wall of text. Right now I will not bother because it takes more focus than I have right now to make such text an easy read. To make it flow and eb.

Alas - that is why Facebook is not a good place to reach out for me.

Forget about those who wish to destroy this space - I see no reason why we can't be open in our relations in places like this. People do not have to read and those that react only embarrass themselves. I would say the more we stand in our space amongst such trolling behaviour the more toxic it is for those who continue to express without a care for how others feel. Draining at times yes ... but then imo ... well worth the effort in trying to do something for self as well as others.

Here - I give the 20s music a break as was kind of just making more a point that really being into it most of my day ... This is my Goto for relaxing when posting away:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNh2yB0w8gU

I might see if I can find a worthy pod cast OR just going without whilst prep for a ride. Thus sun has just come out after being rained in for a couple of weeks. I've made a few attempts at getting out but it looks really nice outside and this time of year presents a very small window where I live for about 4 to 8 weeks of ideal COOL weather that I much prefer.

OH YEA - I got the TV I researched instead of the air purifier. The TV was the best quality for buck and was on sale thus made a better option to buy whilst the actual air purifier I wound up deciding on was a change at the last minute costing more than the discounted TV. I'm really impressed with the budget HDR when watching shows that air with it - Love Death + Robots on Netflix looks really nice in HDR. So glad I stuck with 1080 Native resolution as most shows still out sourced in it look very smick. Ful HD on Native 1080p screen always wins over up-scaling but people are still fooled and shows quite well just how easily people are fooled.

Pics form my phone really don't do it justice. I am really spoiled with this current setup I have which also makes me feel a little disgusted with how so many of us live. That's another story. Always best to live with easy come, easy go and make the most of what you already have only making little improvements when you can. I have a plan to stop the carrot on the stick soon enough - It's just not worth it. I am prepping for when I have nothing left coming in. Getting rid of the hugely expensive computer build was the first step. All I get from hear on out is just meager in terms of most other folk yet in my eye it's all still very rich. We really do live in excess and pretty much gluttonous in our way of living. In fact that's exactly how I and most others are slowly killing ourselves. Some fast than others.

Actually to much effort to upload the pics : ) - It's crazy that I think that way knowing just how much my furniture does not match and what others would consider I do not have. But I know I am not crazy. It's more how we are trained to see others who either do not have or how much more they have ... that's the insane way that we are taught to live. Always about what others thinks.

Try not to let it be like that ... just work with what you have and do what you can to be comfortable in your own skin. It's extremely hard I know. Especially when we fill ourselves up with quick fixes.

I go move now so I can better enjoy being in my den. :)

Use the ignore feature Gypsy and just say what you need.

Have not listening to this yet but will do so whilst out aimless riding - I'm not much into the Woo Woo music Docos with Mesmerizing Images These days ... nor the religion of science or any other doctrine that is worshiped by means of an establishment, system of beliefs, ideology and all that kind of thing ... I'll listen carefully looking for this authors on agenda, bias (which we all have) and come to my own conclusion which is never ever final and always open to change. What I notice with most of these claims is how most other claims are woven into them ... little bits of so called truth that is then spun to create new worlds that authors would have us see. Laughs out loud thinking how skeptical I can be but it's not quick as black and white as that either. Euphemisms being what used to be more appealing when younger is a dynamic to consider when more youthful less lived authors propose with such vigor - there are pros to be had from such perspectives in being inspired when we older folk care less to live anymore than we already have, yet the notion to believe in one way not only more appealing because of all the extra mojo to be spend. but also often dictated by the quality of life one wish to live above another which is how politics takes such lessons and weaponizes them. Fanciful notions that in the end have no real meaning because of the society we live in.

Meh - I'll still see what this presenter has to claim and see if I can glean from it to further work on my Den.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ6MIk8-pSA:)

"Who are You & What do You Do for a Living?" Before exploring the isolation, division & expectation within such questioning, bare in mind that whilst many of us can claim with certainty that we have different *World Views* having had different experiences & spawn from different environments, I think it's fair to say that the universal context of such wording is one that we are All very farmiliar with. Yet despite the obvious judgment hemmed in with such an inquisition there are quite a few ways in which we can expose the demeaning nature of such questions.

A process of conditioning we are taught to beleive is no more than a means to being identified as one individual among billions. Just a necessity; a means to an end. We are the individual that our BIRTH CERTIFICATE states we are, we are the Sex that our BIRTH CERTIFICATE states we are, we came into this world on the date and time our BIRTH CERTIFICATE states we did, Our Mother's/Father's Occupation is what our BIRTH CERTIFICATE states it is, we reside at the Address our LICIENCE says we do, our occupation is what our Social Security NUMBER states it is, we have X amount of $$$ that our BANK CARD states we do.

It matters little what we score during the educational phase before being uploaded into the mining phase (work pool) as this dynamic of human identification as to who we be: NAME - DOB - AGE - SEX - OCCUPATION - ADDRESS & ECONOMIC WORTH are no more than primary stats in how we be considered by not only the state but also our one's peers. Those of us who are rewarded with high marks for correctly repeating the doctrine within said governance will rationalize such a system as reasonable and necessary. The general consensus is to gloss over one's Cooperate Name and thus remain blinded to the fact that like everyone else, each and everyone of us are but no more than entities within a larger corporation *owned* as nothing more than property by the corporations that govern us. Our BIRTH CERTFICTE is more like a BOND where we owe the world a debt from the moment we are born.

Reasonable & Necessary? Well ... that really does not matter when you consider the reality of how we come into this world and how this world operates. Glossing it over with terms such as *imperfect-world* I think is as detrimental as the term *avoidance* is within the clinical mental health sector. Why is there even a need to gloss it over? Gloss what over? Context as the this post be titled: *Identify Crisis - An Unnatural State Of Being* With the notion that you are born as no more than property bound by the state in which you are born. Location and culture now being less of an issue as the world now tightens its grip with respect and or fear to one world regional control.

What's it all mean. It takes a life time to unlearn and reach deep ... in many cases open up ... to prepare when writing about such things.

I really felt I needed to go back over this dynamic before embarking on yet another bout of letting go. The introduction here a little more concise and to the point regarding Social Engineering Vs Reasonable & Necessary. You really got to get a grasp on the reality of how world governance works, today's technology and how people are controlled. Who are each of us really? Is the world in which we live really allowing us to really be? Are the choices this world offers really choices? Why the need to even make a choice at all?
__________________________________________________ _

On with my day as I please ... I revisit this soon enough with the notion to dispel much of what is taught; especially in main stream mental health forums. WE NEED NOT BE OUR LABLES. Start by questioning the words people use and how they use them.

Until next post ...

Another reason I locked down my Facebook. Most people just don't get it and or deny it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoW_cPx_638

A talk about meditation rather than any kind of image of an individual in spandex willing themselves to meditate as some part of advertising gimmick to which we sheep lap up so mindlessly. Good watch on how we cling to the labels that mental health forums thrive on encouraging.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foU1qgOdtwg

It can be hard listening to Eckhart in as much as being reminded of how deeply entrench my mind is with this world's way of expected living. Pulling myself back from saying we as I did a few posts back. I normally am careful of using likewise assuming words. I'm glad Eckhart mentioned routine although that's more a video on digital devices and about making space for time without. The way one engages with devices is also another tact in not allowing oneself to be overwhelmed. Definitely know well thought out responses in the way I like to write. It's true that once you start doing that most of what you say losses it's power and or comes off as pretentious rather than genuine. Although genuine in nature the tone can still vary depending on my state at the time I write.

Tonight I take another pill: BRB
Which for me says a lot about where I am really at.

Whilst I don't mind sharing some of Eckhart's wisdom that resonates well enough for me, not everyone in the audience or on stage is fortunate enough to be at their level of consciousness. Just throwing that out there because I know I struggle with it very much despite the moments I am able to reach peaceful stated regardless of the labels. Playing along re the labels for the sake of one's perception on safety and security as conditioned by our digitized society keeps me from fully embracing much of what Eckhart conveys. This conflict for me has always been with me from the moment I was born and only got worse as I've gone from one facility to the next. Why so many can be indifferent whilst I cannot goes way beyond my labels; at least the way I am seeing it.

No matter. Just got to work on the routine side of things. I think I need to start doing the day by day method once again. Day 1, Day 2 and all that. On the surface is seems counter to what Eckhart teaches but in extreme cases I guess I can reason it as no more than counting the breaths. It's all a phase and I think it's apparent that I indeed having permanent triggers that I will never fully be rid of. What's a phase? I just mean a cycle I guess. Whilst I got still got plenty of pills left they are not the type to be taking everyday and nor do I want to be getting another script. I have my own reasons for avoiding such and not meaning to get all bias about that.

Right now though space is what I need - not the kind in my little room although layout and not drowning surrounded by things also plays into that. Just my head space is all.

I thinking locking down my Facebook account was a good place to start.

This pace in here is OK if I can keep genuinely focused on my state of being without negatively affecting those few that do pop in to have a browse. It's been interesting to find one self in digital form via the use of an online forum whilst grappling like so in an otherwise void.

Will I or won't I make tomorrow another bout of Day One? Reaching 30 Days like that last time I did would could do me a lot of good. Cold turkey is all I know ... but this time I might allow use of headache medication when dealing with the acute pain early on. I'll try natural remedies such as showers, drinking water and light exercise but coming of the sugar and processed foods like I have been hitting them of late is going to be very painful as each time it's only been getting worse ... yet I have still been relapsing and each time I do it's been more a compulsive disorder in the letting loose. I basically nod off each time I have lunch and dinner being unable to stay away if not hitting up on chocolate drinks, candy, donuts and or other quick fixes straight after my meals. As much as I hate going to medical clinics due to the robotic interactions I am starting to fear what results I may get re being diabetic.

So yea - I may very well have to start my Day by Day approach yet again and no focus on the fact I have been unable to get a grip since how ever many years it's now been. Back to do or die I guess.

Yadda Yadda and all that.

Glad to say I have been out on my bike the last few days in a row. Both bouts not for too long but long enough to let me know just how weak I have become and continuing to regress. The abuse I have been doing re food has everything to do with that.

So it is I think I might of built up enough willingness in this acknowledgement to take on yet another cold turkey detox bout.

This being the precursor to Day One.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pBLZzZdQ0s

Yep ... so here we go again. Seems like pathing the way with last's nigh post has set me up well enough to take on Day One! I'll even use an exclamation mark despite my reservations in using them.

As usual I'll do a morning post although spent most of the time over at No More Panic trying to settle another who went spastic over one of my replies. No quite that dramatic but I think I patched it over accepting my own faults and then putting them on ignore. The reason I glanced over that sight was in some vain attempt to make yet another remark in my journal on the fallibility of such forums despite finding myself in this one. Life is full of hypocrisy I know.

Thank whoever that this space still exits. I'm really stunned it's still here with all things considered.

Moving on.

Day One: ... typically begins with a little focus on routine and some kind of affirmation on what's to be done. An approach if you will. Similar to last nights post.

*Posting more often - generally mornings but during this phase multiple times throughout the day. Whatever helps.

* Back into the usual deity regime with what I know works for me. - I'm not going to hit myself too hard as the shopping just got delivered and there are some items on that list although not part of my hard core changes also not too detrimental. First week is more about NO coffee, Black Tea, Processed Sugars, Sweets, Processed Foods, No Snacking unless low Glycemic Fruits and Veggies. In the early phase I'm also taking multivitamins and drinking lots more water throughout the day. Just doing those things will set off the detox migraines for the next 5 days.

Additionally I will work on making a better pantry in my bedroom cupboard. I can move some of the clothes into the cubed storage shelving I just bought to place my TV on. I uploaded that pic now:

https://i.ibb.co/DQNtDG8/TV-stand.jpg

Woops - I hit enter instead of preview ... no matter. I also need to get on my bike ... I'll continue this a little later in the day or whenever. Feeling better now that I have a plan and things are coming together slowly re my new home.

Adios until next post.

Shut the fuck up, you stupid cunt.
https://media1.giphy.com/media/3ohc0...g4zS/giphy.gifhttps://media1.giphy.com/media/3ohc0...g4zS/giphy.gifhttps://media1.giphy.com/media/3ohc0...g4zS/giphy.gif

Day One is coming to a close and pleased to say I've done well. More meaning I've begun eating real food for a change and whilst I can feel the effects of suddenly stopping the junk food I'm still feeling sick enough to continue stopping. The trouble begins when I start feeling well again and people tell me I should reward myself. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Day 30 is a long way off.

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This was a good watch ... nice to mix things up. I love Eddie's work. Very likeable character.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJy2B6njSdQ

Here's looking forward to Day Two. :)