Yea Yea I know - Back Again

Today I was able to collect another 3 reports that were as inclusive as the other. It's important to ensure a good rapport with all those included in the support team. This is generally not achieved in the overwhelmed sector and when I sense it like so, that is when I no longer participate. To do so is flogging a dead horse and playing a role that only feeds the conveyor belt. That said if I did not put the effort as I've been, then I would be as much a victim to said wheel.

Yes I did question my rut in the wake of it all in my last post and to me those thoughts still count. Alas, today was the culmination of a lot of work. In that I am pleased. I have no questions about the detail and clarity of my upcoming review.

I have celebrated tonight by actually cooking myself a decent meal. lol Steamed salmon and Silverbeet, mash potato with sautéed onion and mushrooms. Hopefully my indigestion can cope with it. I've suffered badly this last week with indigestion.

Smells like it is ready.

Tomorrow I have to weave all those reports together with a bunch of attachments and send off to the new coordinator. Thankfully is the same person as before as you can't beat a good rapport. She left due to constraints in an overwhelmed rigid system. Moving on in those conditions is a sign of qualtiy worker.

Here's to tomorrow and hopefully some sleep tonight. Most of the hard work was finalized today.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I woke up this morning very aware of just how calcified my brain is becoming. I understand just how dramatic that claim is. However given just how heavy and condensed my brain feels with each passing day I know I have to give that realization some quality attention. So instead of logging into my daily grind and running the game loops that are as just as much hustle and bustle to be found in the world's most densely populated city; I changed direction and happened on the following two clips below. Depending on where one is at on the conveyor belt will most likely determine if the message can be heard. At least I know that is how it works for me. I'll just link them anyway then touch on how those insights relate to me:

Seventeen Minutes - The clip bellow this one explains why 17 minutes may be too much for most today -
Whilst this one explains how it is that we are hooked.

https://i.ibb.co/LPWv4KH/Honor-your-nature.jpg


UNDER Seven Minutes - Very easy to follow and hits a home run for me.

https://i.ibb.co/MCHw3yf/Danger-of-Productivity.jpg

What came to my mind when listening.

Want's Desire's & Greed:
My own life although a byproduct of the culture being outlined in the latter of the two vids (as I linked them) is still very much attached to the same rigmarole of those seeking financial security, status and fame. Even as a rubber stamped noncontributor my life is full of the same conditioning in order to receive. We live in a world full of warranting no matter where on the ladder we find ourselves to be. If your found not to be climbing, then your made to feel as Mr or Mrs/Miss nobody. The resulting sense of fear is what drives us all to desire and greed. Not achieving spawns depression that cycles through frustration, anger and back to depression. This is how the grind goes looping from doing to doing without really achieving anything.

Even our video games reflect as much. It really is rather sad that I can't even find a game that offers the scope for freedom. In 99.9 percent I only see the same conditioning take place in the digital world as I do out my front door. What's the answer I ponder? It has to be in the way we approach. In fact I know this key point really opens doors. I'm just so damn prone to getting sucked back into the grind where all my inner being ... is being constantly drained.

Having identified a cause and effect in the above - my mind begins to loop on just how it is the world is designed and why that be. Yet if I take the time to ponder I can see beyond the conditioning and even the tin foil hats into a void that instills the peace that come from being a Mr or Mrs/Miss nobody.

I think I leave this one at that. Maybe more on that 'approach' in my next attempt to reflect on how we can jump the hoops more easily, doing what we feel we should be doing so that we can actually enjoy the games we play and do the things we love without fear of what others think.

aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... Takes a huge breath. I just lost my morning post. Have to go now as well. Last night I had an unsettling event. The title was - Fear, Acceptance & A Visitor in My Sleep. My ear buds actually crackled during the experience and involved paralysis.

Another deep breath. I will attempt to write about it later.

Have a good morning/evening

I pretty much lost the essence of that sleep paralysis event. I don’t attach myself to those events anywhere near as much as I used to. Fascinating for those just starting out in life or those who just don’t know. Memory is such a bane to the human species as defined by many cults and spiritualists. It’s a non-issue for those conditioned outside those realms. They are said be asleep. Mainstreamers who’ve had no such experiences apparently more disadvantaged and that being why siad types are more easily drafted like sheep. Alas, in prison terms we are all in the same basket. It’s just that the programs used to hold the integrity of our cell differ depending on one’s level of awareness. Altered perceptions equals altered programs so that the bars are always present; no matter how green the grass be. What does it all mean?

Perhaps the vulnerability of the human Psyche is as fragile as the human body? Especially when one is tired and feeling week? Key programs feeding those full of energy and feeling invincible who in their own being feed programs that ensure none of us ever have a key? People who worship yet think they are their own God? A world full of beings that worship themselves?

Our minds conjure up all kinds words and alter their meanings with whatever metaphors, half-baked concepts and ideals just to lead ourselves into deluded pathways of blissful states. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/fa...y-emoticon.gif

__________________________________________________ __________
___________________
______
_

In order to take a break from my own cell I have created an outdoor sitting area. I still have some plants I’ll like to throw into the mix … but thus far this is what I have come up with:

https://i.ibb.co/9N9GVby/Outdoor-Sitting-Area.jpg

Not a bad looking prison cell?

Oh Look! I found a key ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/by...y-emoticon.gif

Is hard to think at this point as tackling the challenge to eating healthy once again. It's akin to giving up nicotine which I was dependent upon for up to thirty-eight years. Thankfully I've been off that hook for the last fourteen. One of many drugs we use from the nightshade family. Truth is I am still using other forms just as damaging. Why we are permitted to abuse ourselves so openly I don't know. When it comes to chemical dependencies we humans are so easily controlled. I'm pretty sure it's to do with that fact that anything goes within the bounds of societal law and that the policing of those things outside of it being what feeds our delusion. The altering of perceptions within those boundaries are primarily done using chemical dependencies yet it is the giving of a choice that plays the larger role to ensuring citizens believe they are the ones doing the sailing. Many fly flags to instill the programing that fosters pride and belonging. Mob Mentality or Proud Filled Worshipers it all amounts to the same Murmuring. Whether they be flags for country or sport that too points to the same thing; sovereignty. Yet another delusion that sells very well in cultish religions yet sits at the pinnacle of secular/mass control.

I think it was back on the previous page that I said "perception is everything." In my previous post I said "Altered perceptions equals altered programs." The term the Tinfoil Hat community uses is 'Perception Management' yet they are seemingly just as prone to the same mechanics within their disclosures. None of this is as black and white as let's say ... hmmm ... a News Paper or Social Media. Which kind of brings me to an entirely new point that is woven into the drug dependency. That is how invested emotion is as every bit predisposed to addictive behaviours and thus control.

How not become divided within myself and fall prone to the separatist mentality? So bound up we become living within said system. All this co-creation (if you will) is as deceived by the same structures it attempts to escape. Everything sold off with morality that quickly forgets the reality beneath their feet; the rock on which they live. To be sure if you buy the concept of all being one, there is no amount of singular improvement that will see blossoming take place whilst so many outside their boundaries/comfort zones suffer as plainly as they do. It matters not what flag, religion or sovereign speech one wraps themselves within. Moreover, I see those dynamics as the cancer to my existence.

It’s been festering for quite a while – yet I must admit I enjoy writing about such things. I guess that my way I myself self-sooth not unlike so many projecting their hearts flapping on poles, handing over their souls and painting pictures of wizards. A world that thrives on worshiping selves where anything that dares to question is quickly certified a demon. Duality? Said to be a delusion itself.

Here’s to healthy eating but not sure I really want to be living in said world. How to create my own without being prone to said BS esoteric weavings? How not to be one with one fucked up world?

Super tired and massive migraines. It's working! See you on my morning. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz More detoxing to go.

Woke up at 2am - lay down until 4am. Feeling stiff and sore. Another day to endure but doing so with the intent to make it a win re less poison. Had a good day connecting with the little guy yesterday and will make that another part of today's focus. Still very tired but is all part of the detox process. I really hope this time I can work on regulating emotion when it comes to that time where I just typically given in.

The title about sums up where I am at. Not buying into the array of transcendence philosophies so chose my words carefully with that. Unfortanley words having limited and varying meanings makes the term spiritual a little vague for me. Defining that is a little ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzing. The rest of of hits a home run for me. Not belonging kind of sucks but is still OK. Having said that, be sure not to get taken advantage of with so many concepts offering up whatever solutions. Just be sure to come up with your own and ride with that as best you can. Glean glean and glean - but question those fuzzy feelings as they sway to the background music.

Here's to making today another win ...

ZZZZZzzzzzz as long as I am not taking in poison, I can eventually move onto the next phase of whatever.

... a less painful ending with hopefully no new beginnings. lol genuinely chuckles.

Breathes.

Pretty much doing it hour by hour but tomorrow will start seeing days roll by. Migraines and tiredness continue.

Here's to a more positive outlook tomorrow morning.

In the meantime ... this is about where I am at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR5n2H6Jehg

Goodnight http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sl...miley-face.gif

When you really get right down to it, you begin to see whether thin or fat, disciplined or not, how we are all nothing but pigs. If it's not consuming food, then it's each other in every conceivable way. Now I don't know what to make of Alan Watts. I have posted him more than a few times since being here. I've read of others not liking him much. I pondered their reasoning and have since kept my own reservations. I can see how the man is perceived as gloomy. Yet I find something appealing within his delivery.

Right now I am dealing with the 'duplicity' of my extremes. (A word that stuck out in his video) Hence my title. I came across a rather challenging but very insightful lecture (segment) of his which I will share below. I found it quite helpful. I've heard it before but like many others like him there always seems to be something new the more you listen.

For me - what others call deprivation seems to be my only way. I am a guy of extremes and given my background that makes perfect sense. I've been down the path of paranoia and many bouts of necrotic behavior. It's just one of many predispositions that can raise it's head at a moments notice. I understood this point quite well and can see how challenging it is when he makes such claims. The context or point of view in which he highlights this and that, is a spin that might require a few bouts of listening and or self reflection as one tunes in. Even when I attempt to listen like so, I often come up with a slightly different scenario but still pretty much an antidote thinking that without having made the effort to try his approach I probably would of miss the mark. So it is that this talk resonated well enough for me.

It takes that "God damn selfish *&^%ing world!' attitude and helps me see the devil within. Reminds me of a couple of other posts I made some time ago 'Befriending Self' and something about 'making friends with the demon within.'

Re Watts on thinking about death? I find when I can do it right - I find it's absolutely peaceful. Hence I see it a little differently than that act being the fertilizer to life. I guess the peace find when successfully tapping into nonexistence can help with regard to watt's claim of creativity is that it helps to alleviate pain and thus that in itself helps to recharge me in the same way finding quality head space might. Point is I often see things a little differently yet find solace in a lot of what this guy has to say.

WHERE AM I AT NOW? I'm saying NO! to my so called Devil as I am sick of playing both roles; Saint & Devil. The consequences of saying YES to all my desires as predisposed to addiction had seen me on the brink of self destruction. The pure hatred that wells within is a demonic as it can get and the pious would be amounts to the same thing. Now I am not sure I really see much of an answer in becoming a Monk - Yet at the same time I do in some peculiar way. On the surface I think it's easy to see the same fallibility within most of todays Monk Marketing which now encompasses the globe. Arm chair wannabes from the comfort of our screens sapping up all that projected contrasting of love and pain. Not saying the essence of Buddhism has nothing to offer. In fact Alan Watts draws a lot of his insights from his own experiences having done time with said establishment/s. He just seemingly enjoys contrasting the BS between all the points of views and lived his life in his own way to make it through. All the best to him and hopefully he is now at a point of non-existence. I really don't know - yet like I say ... for me such a thought goes beyond being fertilizer to life ... but more the point of embracing death.

There are so many ways to come up with one's own direction - I really have no idea. As much as I embrace caring less for society - right now I am all about depriving both my would be saint self/s and my demon/s. The result is just breathing. But more so less complications. The MONKey way might seem boring - but less really is more. Not sure what taking in a little of Alan will do to my creativity - but right now ... I got a many more days of self-deprivation to get through. I ponder to think how such a term as 'self-deprivation' is often demonized yet know for a guy of extremes like me ... it's only ever been the way I can breathe freely.

I'm said to have no filters - thus I know not how to act in this world other than what I have been taught. I have to admit I despise the curriculum and on that front have never ever fitted in. To fit in is to pretend. I've never really been good at that, yet I have succumb in other ways. Working on it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOTY9BVVZik