1st APPOINTMENT WITH NEW THERAPIST:
DETOX - TIME TO BACK OFF A LITTLE:
I woke up just after 4am somewhat tired but felt much better after I got up. Due to my eczema issue and despite losing another 2kg over the last couple of days, I am going to back off the juicing for now. My broken anatomy is taking too much of a hit. The whole missing gallbladder thing and resultant taxed liver, generally complicate my detox phases compared to that of younger and less affected individuals. I also don't have the best kidneys. Additionally the stress that my journey presents combined with whatever labels (I care less to identify with) also see me with digestion issues. It's time for me to easy up a little on the amount of detoxing pressure I put on my system. I am sure the eczema for whatever trigger is a sign for me to listen. The eczema itself in on my face and quite uncomfortable. Today I will resume eating some oats and include some more healthy fats throughout the day but still keep an eye on portion control as well as timings. I don't feel the hungry but somewhat in a little discomfort and sweaty. I just need to reduce the intensity of my health reclamation. Might go put those steal cut oats on now and throw in some prunes while I am at it then add some banana and top of with spiraling. Yea ... that will do the trick; never fails. I think a little more on where I want the next bit of text to go.
1st APPOINTMENT WITH NEW THERAPIST:
I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing going back to a therapist. I've been having a break after '8 years' of regular 6 weeks visits between two previous therapists. The last therapist did not end things well - She put up boundaries. Whilst I had/have no issue with the concept of doing so, it was the way she did it and from a position that now saw us on two totally different pages. Previous to this government changes were made where the role of therapists being funded - involved a little more paper work. She no longer liked her newly defined role as it related to keeping me on as her client. It was getting in the way of our sessions and I new it. I will bring this point up today with the new proposed therapist. Transparency is a must. Regardless of faults from whoever, it was clearly time for me to move on. That said, the 4 years with her were as beneficial as the previous 4 years with another. YET - there can be one or two traps to watch out for when utilizing psychotherapy as a full time support. I'd say the 1st if pretty much the same as medication. That being - The Reliance Trap. A book to be written on that for sure. The next trap - The Identification Trap. That's it. No need to go beyond that with the traps. I think those two sum up the cons re full time psychotherapy. How do I handle those traps?
First of all, the reason I was using psychotherapy for so long was two fold. 1st because Mood Altering Medication does not work for brain or better said ... My Being. If it did, I would of still utilized psychotherapy which brings me to my second reason of using psychotherapy for as long as I did and why I may be venturing back onto the same path. I knew/know/feel how to make it work for me. In as much as I am writing like so ... once again ... in a way that helps ground me on a level that I can understand ... my way of learning ... my way of consoling and so on ...
So too, I utilize therapy as a means to an end. It's just another tool in which I am in control, although that term (control) as much a trap as reliance and identity. It's enough to say that I use my therapy like I do when I am in touch ... in touch within my journals. In doing do, I de-clincalise the process and do my best to keep it real/organic/grounded. I've never done well with white rooms, yet find something appealing about the nature of bright light ... yet at the same time can be easily overwhelmed with such intensity or as I feel it when in such rooms. (Now I am going on ... focus ... today I need to get the right approach ...
My Approach ... This either makes or breaks me. I won't just take on any therapist. This point I feel many people give up on too easy. Just because the therapist I will be seeing today is a specialist in ASD and ADHD is not enough to convince me I will continue seeing her. As with any therapist I see, I have my own set of laws as much as mother nature has hers. Yet I can be my own worst enemy if I don't handle my nerves. 1st and foremost, I must remind myself it is I that chose to initiate this meeting. This element is easy to forget for those of us that do not like white walls. Our self destructive nature tends to get the best of us when trying to help ourselves. Typically during those times our nerves get the best of us. With this in mind ... I need to pave the way re my anxiety. Example:
I am pinning a little over whether or not they will allow me to bring my scooter in as I do not like the low spec security out the front of their office combined with the fact that expense bikes and electric rides have been hot for thieves of late. Add to this that the day before I was in their office seeing my grandson's therapist. At the end of that visit, when I asked about my scooter, they could not say for sure but simply indicated that they did not think it would be a problem. The secretary and owner of building were not present. So today I am taking a risk where I may very well not take on this therapist if I am not permitted to store my ride in their building. I do have mixed feelings about that as I also want to see this person rather than base my decision on my scooter. See how the anxiety is already building up? Although my car is not available, I could walk ... yet I feel I could pull it off going with what my grandson's therapist said "...... it should be OK ...." I'll throw in one more element to add to the anxiety. Shop Talk ... seeing another therapist within the same firm that another family member also attends. Like we are not seeing the same therapist, but they do work for the same firm. I have nothing to hide ... clearly ... but I guess there is something to be said for compartmentalization. This is where the whole 'family court' issue created complexes on many levels as too pressure ... yet at the same time a good reason therapy can help. At least therapy as I understand it. To summarize here and keep on track with My Approach ... to today's 1st make or break appointment ... I have to put to rest all the above anxiety. How do I do that?
Smiles ... long story and I have not even jumped on my scooter yet. Well ... That's it. I AM TAKING MY SCOOTER. It's my transport and that's important to me. I'll just have a good line of explanation re the low spec security. I'll bend the handle bar stem down and carry the 36kg in one hand as if it's 3 - Yea right! But yea ... I'll do that all in one movement as I make my entrance through the slide door and but the scooter up against a spot I already logged in my brain before leaving yesterday. Once they see it fits snuggle in that spot and I put down my helmet and greet them with my explanation and mention my grandson and the other lady who thought " it should be OK ..." I think I will pull it off. If not ... I'll write about that in my next post. :) As for the shop talk re other family members being at the same firm ... and regardless of supposed professional ethic response I know I will get ... I will simply bring it up. I wont' bring up the issue of my so call laws that I previously compared to mother natures other than say those kinds of boundaries are something best unfolded over time.
It can take a few visits as well as a few times making new appointments with new professionals - before deciding on one I consider that really listens or really likes their job. One sad reality I find to that is how they type of funding the therapist receives often impacts how my meetings go in relation to this approach of which I speak. Later on, as I reveal this aspect of myself ... I typically see the preconditioned human side the therapist. BUT - that's OK ... we are all fallible ... imo perfection is not possible although I my ego always wants its way. More over working with the imperfections is most likely to bring positive results ... more so... that way of being ... that stability that I am seeking. ... and this my friends leads into other areas of how to make therapy work once you have nailed selecting the right therapist that gells well for you.
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Righto. It's obvious I am very nervous. I don't want to identify with my labels regardless of seeing a specialist and nor do I wish to become reliant on the all to often shallow perspective of those funding as well as my own preconditioned views. I'll deal with the scooter issue when I arrive and be upfront about all the rest doing my best to make both my approach and transition as anxiety free as can be.
I'm off for a walk in the hope some quality UV will assist my skin ... too much makes it worse, yet a enough of it sterilizes and soothes. Such it is to walk a fine line for those infected within a toxic world.
Here's to working on healing. ;)
Support Worker - Re My Anxiety
5am - waiting on a guy I don't know. He is being paid to accompany me whilst I exercise. I've mention more than a few times about my varioius supports. This time I just quickly ponder on why I utilize such services? Essentially his role is based on helping me to feel comfortable whilst I am out in public. I do have outcomes I am obligated to meet, but they are not as pressured or come with as much risk if I am unable to complete; compared to when I was a mainstream job seeker welfare recipient. I'm still on welfare and my support does not come from that same service. The welfare I am on is called disability support. That one is purely money for pay for rent, food,utilities and medication. The funding for my supports comes from another agencies called National Disability Insurance Scheme - aks - NDIS. But anyways ... all that stuff is political and gets as much negative attention from social media as all the other groups. I only mention it to highlight where I fit on the anxiety scale. Why it is that I often talk about my supports.
I've also questioned those supports over time. I've pondered if I am better with or without them. I am grateful for them. I'll say that much. I quite proactive with them as well. That I am known for. When being like so, that's when I write my journal with the intention to set goals and for the most part achieve them as well. I've become my own little expert in that arena - but the accolade means little to me. It's good to have skills - but nailing the episodic nature of instability is something else. Bit like how having knowledge is one thing but without the will to apply it and or genuine intent - it can be as much as one's undoing.
SIGH - what's really on my mind - "is this guy going to have a uniform on?" Like I know I am a commodity and this new fella I am meeting is service provider - but anyone that knows me ... I don't like 'advertising.' I already headed off the office with an email reading this, but was the week end. I figure I will just have to explain it to the new helper. See, I have even redefined his role with me taking him from a walking billboard down to me level on some kind of degree. It's the same with those walking around with tags for all to see. I won't have it in an informal environment. Don't mind it when I am seeing doctors and have a support worker present. I think there is a place for it and then a place not to have it. This society is way too judgmental when it comes to that sort of thing.
Smiles - because the whole support is centered around making a client feel safe, secure and less vulnerable. With my certified predisposition that warrant the support, such advertising could not be more ironic or counter intuitive. Me - I am super intuitive.
He'll be here soon - hmmmm - I'll just give him a smile like I did then ... If I see him wearing a uniform. I was thinking of not getting in his car if it is so ... but will go ahead and just tell him if he can't come to future engagements informally to an informal settings, then I will just have to find someone else.
Triggers ... I really should of accounted for this as its a common one with not only just me. Interesting topic though. I best get off this thing and calm down before I self sabotage.
Sometimes I wonder if there is more pressure having this kind of support when it's done in such a manner (advertised) compared to when I am just doing my best to deal with the public on my own ... we shall see. Will report when I get back.
1st time is always a nervous affair.
It's hard enough finding direction, let alone hold the course, but to acknowledge ..
... always makes for a good heading.
This image I post now, I threw together using google images and Photoshop with a few words that come to mind which pretty much reflect my current state. I really was struggling the other night and whilst I did falter with varioius choices thereafter, I'd like to feel that for today at least, that I am set to hold course and make up ground. I won't used the word lost, because I feel I never really know where I am going and that's OK - It's more about holding course in one direction.
https://i.ibb.co/DCRW2M4/Staying-The-Course.jpg
I'll just say that the fading feature I used simulates what I once held true, but as time has passed I have come to see less what may be defined as virtue. I'm not saying they don't matter to me, but mean more how it is that such personal integrity is hard to hold onto. I've slightly angled the post because it's original stance as I feel is less true . Standing too straight comes off too cocky for me, like having one's heads in the clouds when all those around me are drowning. I'll course correct that last statement by saying it does feel empowering standing up high on my new scooter, but if I am not careful, I can easy wind up as road kill. Yea ... that about sums that up.
I got to do stack my trailer shortly so pushed for time. There is also something about the way those fading virtues are both woven into and at the same time held back by all those traveled paths. I'm hoping my eccentricity can find a balance between true virtue vs false self. In that I peg this image up against others that play very well into the false self. Although I do my best to leave those negative images far outside this realm.
It's hard enough finding direction, let alone hold the course, but to acknowledge ... always makes for a good heading. So it is in this wish I to say that if any of us are feeling misguided and uncertain yet chime with what's been said, then I wish us all well.
I do what I must for today ... best go stack that trailer.
The Laughing Tin Foil Hat.
I'll type just a little - I wanted to focus on the anxiety thing, but since this is my thing and I'm doing it to handle my shit - I thought it only fair to speak about what makes me tick. There will be nothing of value or help for anyone tied into all the hysteria of late. I really do think it's all total BS and now starting to view it all from a more entertaining position. One I have been watching long enough. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz For me ... either the world will wake up, or it will just continue to crash. What will be will be. I think is more about doing what you can to suffer less but for so many caught up in the game, I fear they will continue on like sheep. I have plenty, but when it comes to being values as a human being ... my efforts mean little because I am not contribution to the economic machine. So it is that whilst I don't want to see people suffer, that I think this latest bout of panic might be a good thing. Many people will see more closely just what a BS society we live in. That at the end of the day will be a +. Right now I am as much as THEM and fail when I say US ... fuck the Us and Them ... I hate that kind of talk and when it comes out like that, I really don't like myself. That said, I know what I mean. In that light ... it's really OK either way.
Believe as you must ... but ask yourself, is it helpful for you to beleive in that? If enough people beleive it ... then sure ... it will no doubt happen. Right now I see the world manifesting it's own disease. The one it probably needs to have in order for the game to continue. It' quite possible that the negative aspects will just continue ... more than likely if what I am feeling is how we are all being led. Not a rosy notion ... but it feels true enough for me and talking about it feels better than not. I care little who agrees. In fact, like I have alluded to, I hope the world creates more toxicity at the current level. A part of me has been hoping for a long time for something like this to happen; regardless of the pain I feel we must all endure. The sooner pain is accepted, the sooner it can be subsided. But for those that feed off negativity, it's best to keep people living in fear. Round and round she goes.
Video Therapy - The Laughing Tin Foil Hat. :) Yea yea ... bla bla ... Works for me!
Adios until next post.
SpaceX STARSHIP becoming a reality + Mars Concept for Cities Skylines.
Righto - enough of that. :) Something different ... relating to finding things of interest. I've been following the construction of the Rockets that I feel will make it to Mars. I was born in 69 just before the Saturn 5 either landed on the moon or pulled of a mass hoax. I really don't know because I don't beleive everything I here unless I was there and or able to discern the information for myself. But the footage I have been watching of late seems indisputable with all the correct lighting and so on and so forth. (hahaha and hehehe - more tin foil hat territory) But seriously ... I love watching the construction taking place. I also love the way Elon communicates and the way he talks about AI as in for all the fear mongering he either inadvertently or expertly goes on with, I sense he is the world leader in such an industry. Personally I feel AI should be at the forefront of our latest epidemic ensure resources are spread equally. Other than bowing down to the military and hopefully that being more an exploitative venture for Elon and his Mars plan ... I think Elon ... think similarly. At least that is how I would like to think.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Syj-KnvB17Q
The next link is some guys 'Mars Concept' for a PC game I absolutely love! It's VERY entertaining to watch ... relaxing too. My brain gets rocks trying to layout all the infrastructure before I get stuck into the detailing of livable cities the way I would like to see them.
The Link to that video is here → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDX8YQ_aGnY :) That's just part 1 and I am yet to watch it in it's entirely but know I will most likely watch the other part/s as well. Most of this is for my own benefit as I often pop back in here to see what's on my to do list. Often this place I make as a framework to finding and fostering my interests ... which is key for my stability. Anyways, I hope some of you may consider it a worthy watch ... at least to kill a bit of time or take your mind off the latest chaos ... whatever the be.
Have a good one guys.
