Yea Yea I know - Back Again

Good morning world. So far so good with no moaning and groaning. I can't say it's not going to happen but thus far I have done well to ride with the pain. Point and Case to Acceptance. I know how it is that the latter is more often than not viewed as a case of allowing one self to be imprisoned. That being in reference to the more accepted take on giving in. It does not have to be that way. Similar principles can be adopted as a way to letting go in order to win. Yet in the light of burning desire, when knees begin to buckle there is a presence that instills a sense albeit fleeting, of how peace of mind can be obtained through the act of no resistance. Worth noting this comes from a guy who has been fighting all his life. Which of us has truly not? It's all in the language we choose to use and the tone in which we allow ourselves to sit. The conflicting words here being Choice & Control. That still not being enough when knowing I still have such abilities in my lowest of lows. Yet despite those fleeting insights I tend towards that predisposition that's been conditioned through whatever means. The insanity that comes from resistance is forever binding to say the least yet spun so tantalizing. That which savours addiction to pain and suffering living off delusions of comfort. It is for this reason I've endured long bouts of sustaining myself in a sea of quick fixes offered up in fanciful stories that thrives off feted emotion. It is no wonder regardless of obtaining whatever that we continue to overindulge. Yet pain and suffering does have a limit. I currently sit on the outer limits choosing my words carefully seeking that fleeting presence that I have known to instill peace. Freedom from impulse to say the least. I wonder if I have betrayed myself in my attempt to express as much?

Have a good day / evening guys.

------ When all else fails - head for the sea & don't look back ------
https://i.ibb.co/hYYtBKG/By-The-Ocean-2.jpg

It's assessment time again. When being subsidized such warranting never ends. At any rate I though this would be a relevant share in an anxiety forum such as this. You don't have to have ASD or ADHD or whatever ... Anyone can just struggle with Traumatic Recall without even being diagnosed with PTSD. These revelations in my own case are more to clarify and or validate both the 'Chronic' & 'Complex' nature of my PTSD diagnosis. So fixated on the upscaling my previous Diagnosis of Mild to Levle 2 ASD and also the finalization of ADHD which now hit's my list of condition among Social Anxiety disorder and said chronic complex PTSD (one moment whilst I chuckle like the joker) ... I had completely forgotten to bring up the issues and impact of Life long PTSD Flashbacks. I share that now whilst I am still currently under the ever-present microscope of our wonderful health services.
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Dear 'therapist' Some Note's for your consideration when making additions/amendments to the category of Chronic Complex PTSD against a background of a prejudicial traumatic childhood ...


· PTSD Flashbacks still Present:
Yes – PTSD Flash Backs are something that I have had to deal with for most of my life and still very much present today. In fact, they are as fresh as the Road Rage incident that took place last year. Whilst the most recent event did trigger pasts events in a cascading effect and despite a major regression which I am just now improving with my weekly therapy sessions, I have come to accept that I will never overcome my PTSD flashbacks but are simply doing my best to accept them. The best I can do is learn how these flashbacks come to the surface and avoid the situations that trigger them. For those circumstance I am unable to avoid the next step is learning how to sit in my discomfort.

· The Vividness of Events:
I always find myself surprised at how fresh these events seem to be. It as if it was like yesterday and the very same traumatic emotions that took place at the time are happening all over again.


· What Triggers the PTSD Flashbacks

*EXCERSISE
Returning to Exercise after having a long break can result in what I refer to as exercise rages. I experience this often on the treadmill. As traumatic as this can be, I generally push myself to complete my exercise knowing it will get better the less stressful my exercise becomes. I only note this because over the decades those PTSD Flashbacks are always there with the same intensity and is something, I am doing my best to accept.

*ENVIROMENTAL STRESSES
When I am feeling overwhelmed in general, my health running low, not enough sleep, disruption in my outdoor exposure and or general routine I often find myself prone to reliving PTSD flashbacks which massively impact me.


· IMAPACT of PTSD Flashbacks
They are extremely draining. Recently after moving house I experienced some PTSD Flashbacks but thought nothing of them because they have become frequent during such times of stress. I know it may not make sense that I would disregard such traumatic events but with my failing memory I am quick to forget and often wonder why it is that I am feeling so drained. I had to make a doctor visit after moving house because for weeks after I was experience sever fatigue symptoms where I found myself sleeping in the middle of the day … day after day. The problem was I was feeling more sickly from fatigue the more I tried to rest. I eventually put it down to over sensory issues and had to admit to bouts of PTSD Flashbacks even though I try to disregard them. (The **** personal support person) can vouch for this extreme tiredness as I exclaimed to him something was wrong with me although I could not fathom why so for so many weeks.

I would also point out that when I first met the now therapist (****) that I was also quite fatigued. It happens quite a lot to me when ever I go through periods of PTSD Flashbacks.

Duration of PTDS Flashbacks. During bouts where I struggle with the episodic nature of my diagnosed conditions and symptoms, I can go up to 3 Days of unregulated intense emotions from rage to despairingly isolation. It is during these times I end up with extreme fatigue for up to two weeks in which my cognitive ability is extremely reduced. Whilst this does not happen all the time and can be said to be less frequent when supported, it is during times I am unsupported and or self-isolated that these bouts take place.


In summery With so much focus on the ASD and now ADHD – it is easy for forget about such things. It was during today’s session that this facet came to light and reason why I am now writing about it. With the review coming up it only makes sense to bring this dynamic into the picture under the PTSD section of my reports. My forgetfulness is a major contributor with so much going on as to why I have also not brought this up.
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End of transmission:

I am sure despite whatever labels, many people can relate to the impact of such reliving of events. For me they never grow old. Comes down to that acceptance I mentioned in previous post. Just when we think we have let go - BOOM ... there it is again ... plain as the day we lived it. Yet - the only way I can get through those days it to again accept these painful experiences pains of living. Whilst I can't say I have been diagnosed with cancer, I tell myself it equates to the same thing and that in time with stats being the way they are that it's best to accept things could be worse. I will always have these PTSD Flashbacks ... is just part and parcel to the degree with which I have been DXed. Hopefully these reviews will easy up so that in the end I am less identified with said labels. That's the beauty of disidentification. Alas I will pull up short of that. God forbid I start to improve.

Laughs again like the joker.

Until later ... Take Care Folks.

BOAT WATCHING BY THE BAY:

Zoomed in to 70mm which imo represents on this little compact about your average human FOV. Some say that is more like 30-35mm however this is about how far the boat really looked from my point of view. It was a relaxing sit and again I was with my support person. It's coming into the cooler time of the year although way too brief for my liking. It way too how and humid here however the temps are more evenly spread which is good for my wife's MS. I'll enjoy the next two months before things start to slowly warm up again.

https://i.ibb.co/Z6jwP0x/Boat-Watching-By-The-Bay.jpg


https://i.ibb.co/F83qF6f/Boat-Watching.jpg

Please forgive my weighty posts of late. It can be rather stressful during the assessment times. Always with the retelling. That said, with each rerun I never really express it the same way. Like the details are as repetitive as the flashbacks themselves, but the essence derived from mindful recall carries a different antidote each time. It has to be that way to play the game this world requires. Lest I really do go completely insane.
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Whilst this process is going on I am going to share another email after many hours of no sleep. My support worker was very supportive siting with me today as I wrote the following. Basically I felt I did not adequately respond to a question during my previous therapist visit. That said, they are relaxed visits at my house. I kind of go on more about the PTSD but then get routed on the topic of homelessness. This one I know very well. I cut and paste that email now:
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cont ... from above:
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Hi *****, Before I forget:

After talking with ***** this morning (could not sleep was up till 2am and rode my bike a 5am) I have a couple more notes to add to my last regarding PTSD Flashbacks: I know some of it might sound repeated, however I feel you should keep and consider the additional bits. I'm hoping to define and or touch on some of the more difficult areas where diagnoses overlap ... more so in the closing comments:

PTSD Flashbacks = YES - Regularity = Yes / Impact still extreme but less often Yet Disabling = a work in progress / life long / complex

Another reason I have or do not talk about this aspect much is because of how shameful it can be. That is to say I do not like the person I become when I have these PTSD Flashbacks at the intensity in which they come. I find it extremely hard to deal with because I see myself as a naturally compassionate person. Given that Violence begets Violence - I often feel very shamed at the end of the bouts that go on in my head. The difference between when I had no support and that being a period where police intervention was required to now with support and now no police intervention required - Yet I must note that the difference in impact that takes place (still does) in my head with the PTSD Flashbacks remains unchanged. This raises the question of why have I not talked as much about this dynamic of suffering.

Long story short - is because as well as being embarrassed about it ... this suffering ranks the highest out of all my conditions. Think of it in terms of the pinnacle after being triggered. I agree and admit I have been skirting this topic. I know well how explosive it can make me feel inside my head and I feel this is where I am feel I was misunderstood by the previous therapist where she chose to use a word in her report with little to no context; that being 'aggressive'. I am not. I have the potential to be, but at heart know I am not and in fact as previously said - 'this knowing' is a huge conflict that brings me much shame when I suffer these bouts of PTSD Flash backs that I feel have been programmed into me where once the process of these traumatic recalls take place - I feel as if I have no control. The best I can do is ride them out and this can take up to three days before it settles down where I fall into bouts of extreme fatigue that can last up to two weeks.
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Overlapping of Diagnoses.

Herein lay the hard task for you. Sprry ... I don't envy this task. The best I can say for sure is that whatever attributed traits of ASD, let's say attachments/detachment and Impulsive issues to name a few - yet those issues just as well spawn against a background of a prejudicial traumatic childhood - Lets just contrast it with rejection. Rather than define which came first ... the chicken or the egg ... I think is more important to relate the characteristics of all proposed findings but moreover how the synergy of the various diagnoses affect/relate to eachtoher and the clients abilities/impairments. Further more or better said, perhaps a view towards where said synergy impacts both ability and impairment/ interactions in day to day living. At the end of the day - the wide array of symptoms and labels is what make this case said to be chronic and complex; or at least I assume. I wish you all the best in further defining what your able.

In Response to the Question of How Long Were You Homeless:

I again feel I have inadequately answered one of your questions somehow doing myself a disservice that typically leads me to staying awake until I have properly answered and or feel I have been heard. The latter entirely my fault.

It was the extreme nature of my time in KINGS CROSS during or about 1986 (I was approx. 16 to 17) that makes answering the homeless question difficult. I saw much suicide of people I had quickly attached to in that time, as well as that time being a confusing period in which I was involved in male prostitution - more shame and rejection ... I remember extreme bouts of personal religiously indoctinated conflicts as well. That aspect messed with my head is all. I was also involved in a lot of crime that involved heavy violence that resulted in murder but not by my hand, although more shame and blame nevertheless. The confusion and conflict kept building and so did the alcohol, drugs and dysfunction. That period was where I ended up having involuntary shakes, sweats, dizziness, erratic, judging, despairing thoughts whilst either myself or my bag being kicked whether I was laying on a train seat or park bench. The long story short here was that the day time exposure to 24/7 of having no roof or privacy over my head also took its toll. So tired from being up all night but not wanting to be seen sleeping in daylight. The constant being on display with people looking down on me was hard to take. I could never find a safe spot and was always on edge to a point where I often had such fits unrelated to alcohol and drug withdrawals. I have had those and know the difference. This is about what sustained fear can do to the body over a sustained period. Another level of PTSD; a gradual build Vs being suddenly traumatized. As you know I have experience them all. The male prostitutions also gives way to my revelations of being involuntary sexually abused. Waking up in strange places with pants down around ankles on full display. I have only told you of one story ... there is more but I really see not point in dragging it all up. What I reveal here is the truth and cost of full vulnerability on city streets as I endured it.

Whilst here again we can talk about defining the overlapping of my diagnosis and my early childhood difficulties/ traits as in our latest session with those Characteristics actually being beneficial (naivety more often than not coming off as endearing with your average addict VS full blown sociopath who at times would even settle to my simpleton way of being.) - I would just note that the contrast to my previous rural/village existence + sensitivities made my city homeless experience quite extreme. I don't want to write a book here but just make a couple of points. Allow me get back on track:

The extreme nature of the above is why I did not factor in the years before and after when I responded saying 6 to 12 months homeless experience. I was simply referring to the deepest chapter of many.

There are many phases to homelessness. Transitional being the main stream yet most often overlooked. Not every homeless person sleeps in the gutter and yet they suffer just as much.

My homelessness started before when I was first put into a children's home. I first become homeless when my sister was the 1st to go after my mum met my now Step-Dad. My brother soon followed. RIP Bro - It was then that I felt homeless. I later asked to be sent away to be with my siblings. Once we were all gone and when I was sent back I was quickly then sent off to churched based foster homes. In this sense my homelessness started when I was 11 to 12 ... before being sent to the 1st children's home when my brother and sister where the first to go and I was left in an alien home. I was not right in the head after that 1st home. I went from home to home there after until I was 15 where I was no longer even welcome to visit the place I used to call my original home. My bedroom became a distant memory which kind of hurt during times I begged to be allowed to come back in. At 15 I began sleeping on the rural roads in-between towns and cities. At this age I went between Brisbane (been leigh - beudesert - fortitude Valley) down as far as Melbourne and then Sydney. I slept in men's shelters, underaged posing as 18 and slept under rural bridges until I was 22 when I met my now wife. We have since been together for 30 years.

In this light I can now answer your question. I was homeless from age 11 until age 22 ... that is a period of 11 years. The degrees of transition in those years were quite extreme. From age 11-12 I saw my siblings taken from me and suffered much indoctrination and negative influences under the charismatic and Pentecostal church ideology. At Age 13 I was beaten, experienced perversion and much abuse at the 1st home where I also saw my siblings abused. From 14 to 15 I was sent to Christian foster homes as well did time in the Australian Outback as a Jackaroo. This was forced upon me instead of allowing me back into the house I once slept so long ago. From 15 to 17 I was extremely venerable on the side of the road and suffered many more hardships I wish not to recount. From 17 I saw many people die and this began a kind of psychoses of sorts that I have never recovered from. This level of trauma I kept living over up until 22 where I met my now wife. (around 21 I did try with my first son's wife - however in the end she rejected me) So there you have it. 11 full years of homeless from age 11 to 22 in the all of the above context.

Thanks for your time ****. Please understand that when I get caught up in answering a question I often forget the bigger picture. Often I may have to email you and this might get worse with age as my ability to focuses is not so able.

Kind Regards
*****

Allow me to continue this story in report like fashion. It's not all pain and suffering as the focus to obtaining and receiving support is after all aimed at healing. All this meandering I do with my online journaling whilst seemingly off the plot at times is for the most part on track with mending what can be mended and or self regulating so I can make better choices. I'm just doing what I did when living on the road/streets - educating myself on how the system works so the road ahead need not be as bumpy as it seems. Choice and Control is one thing, but finding the spark to want support is another. I get that - finding the strength to go on is really hard. Where I find myself on the road is generally defined with how I see. Most of the time It was not so much the hard tarmac or cement that I lay on that plagued my soul but simply the way I found people to be. Perception is everything. Making the effort to move beyond my own limitations and starting to see the same growth in others definitely helps to mend those bridges. As opposed to living in fear and resisting everything. For the most part the supports I receive are very much about mending bridges. My supports have little to do with psychosocial and community integration although the latter is used to market such plans. Of course my background is not your average case (although I would reason there are far more people out there like me) Most people in the community under the influence of main stream conditioning do not understand these things. Sadly it comes back to the same falibility I just alluded to that I see in people that makes the road harder than it need be.

At any rate, I just want to share how far I have come with the support funding I receive and how also the work I myself have put in as well as my mum, step dad and sister. It's good to acknowledge these things. Good for grounding where it counts.

I think I had only saw mum once after my brothers death and I had completely forgot I had even visited. This time I went supported and things went really well. After that visit my mother sent me a polaroid taken of me some time in the 70's. It looks like just a couple of years before the great rift took place in my life. At first I did not understand why mum had sent me this photo? I was really confused. I guess I was more confused due to the conflict I felt when looking at the photo as I really find it hard to connect with what I see when looking at the image. Best I can fathom with the sending of this pic is my mother's way of trying to help me. When visiting I explained why I was now relying heavily on government funded personal supports and also about some of my diagnoses. I think despite all the encouraging language and effort everyone was making, that I was a lot more impaired than previously seen. Yet the blessing in disguise as I see it when under pressure and struggling cognitively, is the lack in energy to resist. Humility comes to mind when struggling like so and it's a bit of a lesson on it's own. I guess I am getting older before my time but the way I see this world I kind of welcome it. I guess my view point is regarding such is to appreciate the finer perspective limitations can bring; seeing how we have been taking life for granted.

https://i.ibb.co/P1rsTG4/Polaroid-Da...omba-Kodak.jpg

I never really gelled well with blaming my parents although like everyone else I did. The truth as I have come to see it, is that what drives people to make bad decisions is the same mistakes we have all made. Some of us just do it more frequently than others is all. Even during the blaming process, I have always loved my family as I am sure is true for many who still blame others for what they feel today. There have been many things about me that had me misunderstood in my youth. This extends to my learning difficulties or fitting in before the great rift divided my family. That facet be more my diagnosis on ASD/ADHD which was ever present before the PTSD. That being something I leave for another post. Yet those recollections help me understand another side of me. In fact I see the whole ASD differently than most although may amount to the same thing - yet in this light perception is everything.

At any rate here is another side of the story that highlights the benefit of my support and progress towards reconciliation which is more the point in which I share this. The way in which I learn to hold my history works towards such things. Growing old and or accepting one's place is not as frightening as our society leads us to beleive. I will miss both my mother and step dad when they are gone. I still love them both very much and pleased to sense the feeling is mutual. They will be gone soon so seeing them when I can is an opportunity I don't want to miss.

You may not see what I see in this - It shows me my mother is making as much an effort as myself and that she too wants things to work. It also shows that the support I receive is benefiting.

Support Review

Name: ************ & ******
Date: 11/04/2021
Participant Name:	****** *******
Support Worker:	****** ******

1. Out of Ten Please rate your experience with ***** & ******* Services. 1 being the worst and 10 being the best.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

*TEN*

1. In a few words could you describe your experience with our support staff

I, ********,***** Mother, immediately felt at ease with ********, as did my husband, ****. *** was always respectful, well mannered & considerate of everyone’s feelings. He was both discreet & diplomatic; he was not officious in any way & understood about the need for any boundaries required (e.g. we are older people who need to rest often.) *** was a pleasure to be around as he has many qualities which made the whole experience not only beneficial to all, but left us feeling as though we’d made a new friend. ***’s patience and kindness will always be appreciated & well remembered. In a nutshell the whole experience was stress free and both **** and I would be happy for a return visit at a time convenient to all. We are now in our late 70’s and would like to see more of **** to enable more reconciliation, as progress was made and genuinely healthy ties between us all were established, including ****’s sister, ****, who was here visiting at the time.

1. 
   Do you feel that your loved one was well supported?

Yes, ***** benefitted immensely from ***’s constant yet quietly unassuming support. He knew how to keep **** calm and well occupied without any hint of control. **** was in a positive frame of mind during most of the visit and made an effort to spend time with myself and ****, together and individually. The atmosphere was not intense, thanks to ***’s intuitive approach and natural ability to be quietly confident in every situation. My daughter’s presence helped a lot too as she is also intuitive to peoples finer feelings and knows when to speak or simply listen. I mention **** as *** was able to put her at ease & give constructive advice regarding her own situation. **** was included in all conversations and his needs were taken into account at all times without any molly coddling. *** is obviously well suited to being a mediator and friend to his clients while maintaining a respectful distance when the need arises. ***’s sense of humour was another thing that helped put ***** and the rest of us at ease. Since *** and ****’s visit **** and I have been able to talk for short periods over the phone without any feelings of trepidation or conflict. **** seems to have greatly benefitted from our family visit with *** and so have my husband and I, also****’s sister, ****. The first thing they all did was to visit the grave of my youngest son, ******, at the local cemetery. I stayed at home although *** offered to include me.

1. 
   Would you use ****** and ***** services again?

Yes, we definitely will if given the opportunity.

1. 
   Is there anything that you would like to let us know that may help improve our service in the future?

Please try to train and employ more people like *** who obviously have the client’s best interests at heart and who see their work as a vocation rather than a job.

Thank you for taking our service review.
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This completes another episode of what's going on in my life. I am thankful that most in my family are not neurotypical. Like I said, perception is everything. I'm still all about not seeing as others see. At least not in terms of the general population. That said, I am just as prone to being human. There is no escaping that. Not unless I choose to believe I am an alien?

Here's to next post.

Yet as much I can acknowledge the benefits to be had, it is enough to make up for such an imperfect system? The buffering system in it and those who's role it is to administer are quick to box people within it.

What's next? Life is still very much a struggle. Lot's more accounting I am required to do for my upcoming review. In terms of the process is it worth it? Yes and No to be sure. But mostly yes. What does this mean for others not on it? Just another reminder of inequality. What are people desperate enough to become in order to fit the bill? In this respect the no can quickly outgrow the yes. At least when you become aware of how the system works.
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Enough mental masturbation. Hopefully this review period will be other in a couple of weeks.

Something of interest to mix things up:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6HN9l3c3AM

Good Evening. Today a few of us went outside to see what all the fuss was about with 2 Rainbow Lorikeets darting back and forth in one of the bottle brush trees. It was the unusual chirping we heard that got our attention as it's been a while since we have heard birds chirping as much as they did. I manage to grab my camera and video one of the hunger birds before my batter went flat. I was surprised to see my grandson become still whilst taking the clip. Although he was exclaiming to all present that if the bird did not quit eating he would become as fat as pop.

Might take a bit to load. By the time you read to the end this will have loaded.

https://i.ibb.co/dMYS8DQ/Hungry-Bird.gif
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I had a bit of a lazy day today. Although I nearly messed up my windows install after online adobe got a hold of one of my older programs and rendered my registry with a lock on a few exe's. After rolling my system back I ended up all the better for it as I worked out a few work around's on programs I thought had become useless. Now I can get all creative again without having to pay ridiculous monthly fees.

Think I will go relax with a few meditation tunes. Here I link the photo I pulled from the camera and go make a hot milo:

https://i.ibb.co/yqBtQKK/Rainbow-Lorikeet.jpg

I think those short gif clips might be a new thing for future journal entry's. Yawns ... ZZZzzz Tomorrow is yet another day where I say DAY ONE again. Chuckles to self how much I have been struggling on that front. Best I went last time I tried was 14 days of no salt, sugar, caffeine and yadda yadda. My grandson it right - I am so FAT but more so feeling it with no energy and also that suffocating feeling one gets when full well knowing how it is that the body breathes if not so clogged up with all the fake foods. I won't go on anymore than that except to say I'll simply try again with tomorrow being my 'next' attempt.

I'm going to put my bike gears fixed up in the ship this week. Both bikes. My Road and Commuter. I see my therapist who will be finishing of his report for all the review stuff I have previously mentioned. The actually review is in about 3 weeks time. My coordinator went out on her own and in that time I had to pick up the slack and coordinate all the supports. Not something I am used to, but I've given it a fair go.

Hopefully I can get back on my bike this week and take the camera out and make a few Clips like the one above with a few worthy snaps.

Think I will call it a night - this ambiance I am listening too is really starting to sink in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oY3v0jAWr4

Goodnight. ZZZzzz

Good News for SpaceX. Another 3 Billion in the bag:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m_Gu4ZGXRs

"I got the history to play along - yet one still needs to educate themselves with the rules of the game lest one really be consumed."

Still struggling with sleep during this period combined with intensive thoughts that deal with insecurity and venture into rages. That is the short and sweet of it.

My only note worthy point on top of that is just how much I struggle with balance in general. Not talking about general instability in terms of Manic behavior although can be a problem to be sure - but more so the consequences of an unbalanced life in general health and well being. It starts with broken sleep, involuntary thought, bad eating habits, sunlight deprivation, bad hygiene and so on. These being symptoms as experience within the episodic nature of mental illness. The impact of neurological imbalance on the psyche.

To be sure I understand and it's often acknowledge (which does me little good) that these review processes do my head in. The process itself is no different to banging my head on a wall which begs the question why even ask for help? The current systems in place as they be ... with the emphasis on warranting/filtering ... require you during the process to present your worst day of suffering. Is it any wonder that I struggle with balance?

Sigh ... It's complex and not as black and white as that ... yet it is.
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There is a constant strain on the neurological processes within my body as I account during these review periods that plague my mental health just as much as my historical past. It kind of begs the question .. which is worse. I guess it really does come down to beggars and choosers. Now that's challenging for all involved. Laughs out loud.

Sigh. Is all good. I'll get through it. You have to fight hard in this world with the way it be. I don't like it one bit and seems to go against what feels like my inner being - BUT - well ... instead of fight ... let's just call it trudging along. Yep sir re - Is all in the language. You have to study and learn to change it according to who's in power or calling the shots. In that respect we are all pawn and play along. If you fight that - then you will most certainly become non other than sheep irrespective to one's level of mental stability.

"I forget about that game for now. I'm actually doing better than most as I identify and play guinea pig and get caught up in that 'role'

FACT: The world is pretty much gone to shit in a hand basket but what's more fascinating is just how quickly it continues on it's current trajectory. I think everyone known that whether they want to be in it or not. Hence the focus on self, the pretense on caring and overall demonizing going on.

Jesus ... what a positive morning I am having.

My Bad. Better out than in I have been told. So be it.

Just thoughts going trough my mind. Not into right and wrong ... just doing my best to make sense as I best understand it. I got the history to play along - yet one still needs to educate themselves with the rules of the game lest one really be consumed. I'm just struggling with the first couple of lines of this post if I am to ground myself about now and not get to lost in said hand basket.

I said it before. It was not the tarmac or concrete I lay on that sapped my soul, but what I saw in people looking on. In that regard whilst the world is slipping down a slide, that has not changed at all. If anything it's just another catalyst of what is to come.