Ponder

This I found to hit the mark spot on for me. The fear generated in the community is over the top when it comes to going out for basic needs. Very frustrating to see so many ignorant people, yet understandable how and why fear is used to make people more obedient and blind to other facets going on in the background that none of the sheep could fathom and or bare to think. I used to watch this guy years ago when doing my Vegan thing. Like most people I only take with a grain of salt, however there are times where it's really worth sharing the link. A lot of theorists are full of shit and so too it's pretty obvious are those powers that be that control where we live and what we eat. Time to take control with the latter and accept that which I cannot change. One thing is for sure .. this world is most defiantly full of BS! The take home from this watch is not the juice diet or any kind of book ... just how current deceptions work and that protecting yourself has nothing to do with staying @ home, standing back or wearing a mask - it's actually much harder than that, but something each of us can do without the need for anyone other than one's self.

Given the world wants us all dependent on anything but ourselves - its easy to see how hard it is to make the break that mold. Fear makes for obedience, whilst depression makes for complacent choices design to keep us down. I'm so done with how the system keeps so many suffering.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUxWo1riM7A

OK - because I really needed a laugh and think this might for you too ... as in WHAT THE FUCK ... This had me on the floor in stitches.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xCe0SXyrhc

OK ... winding down now. :)

So here's how I am going to change my world & something that I know that has already worked for me:

MORNING -
Lemon water followed sometime later with steel cut oats / prunes / water / Banana with few dashes of activated almond milk / activated nuts + spirulina.

Lunch -
Salad with a list to long to make. Generally something that takes 20 minutes to make
Lettuce - Baby Spinach Leaves - Spring Onion - Capsicum - Mushrooms - Lemon Juice - Avocado - Olives - Coconut Oil - Activated nuts and seeds - Ginger - Beetroot - Kidney or Butter Beans and so on ... and so on.
That all gets chopped up and eaten raw

Dinner -
50 grams of steam wild rice + lightly steam veggies mixed in with a curry and coconut cream mix with kidney beans thrown in.

Snacks - in between mostly glasses or water - herbal teas + apples, carrots and the odd banana.
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Main focus is hydration with mostly Raw vegetables and Some fruits.

For now - it's more about eating those whole foods than it is about timing ... although I am currently focusing on having dinner between 4 and 5pm. Generally 4pm worked really well for me when last time I was full on vegan and way WAY fitter and healthier than I am now. 4pm dinner for some reason sees me in bed around 9pm which with good sleep consolidates my efforts.

I feel like I am picking up on old hobby but where I typically do so with more skill and just as much a passion. Although admittedly I am slowing down, but more so in an appreciative way. The major injury to my shoulder has taken me a long time to accept but the latest calf muscle tear has now helped the fact that pushing myself the way I do has to stop. So it is that I am now resorting to my previous strict dietary intake that I know works well for me. It worked so well that I was only walking when down to a weight of 72kgs with only just walking and eating clean. All that gym mentality I would have to say was 90% vanity (as it's always pretty much been)

I'm sure for others it is something that they too feel they need to do. I'm just being honest with myself. The drive for regulating my emotional instability due to living in such a world and me being me - well - physical exertion without all that focus on thriving, desiring - the constant pushing and pulling in an environment that builds and sells on imagery that typically results in over use injuries - I have come to see how futile such a reality be. I can now say I have truly hung up my dumbbells for the last time. Both at home and with the gym. The giving in that comes from the gym merry go round is no longer a sad event where I feel I must jump back in the ring - for once in my life ... it feels more like relief.

All I am doing is changing my mind set. Exercise to me has only ever been a lesson to learn and in the end shown me just how much of a rat in a cage I have really been. Psychical labor is where I truly excelled and still could if in a world not so far gone as I now see this one to be. But even in such a balanced world, one would have to eventually have to accept the natural decline of life itself. This world in which we be instead indoctrinates as with fearing death. FUCK THIS WORLD for such indoctrinating. Yet to take those toxic words that come to mind and be rid of them in a way that also accepts the worst of whatever conspiracy/s exist ... and instead be one with self without such toxic feelings?

That's the question for me. No more exclamation marks - but a simple ending for a simple being.

Texting this from my bed as of 3:04am. Woke up at 2am with an unpleasent hollow stomach. Also had an unsettling lucid dream that nothing good will come from unravelling other than noting my untimely awakening.

Regretably what a suspect as a damaged calf muscle has developed into pain further down behind the shin (whatever you call that part) that connects to my heal. Mostly hurts when I roll my foot to take a normal stride. I surmise I did too much yesterday and set back any healing for that day. I think I will get a new compresion bandage today. I shudder to think of this developing into anything that may require a scan. FUCK THAT! Not until my shoulder has been fix and I find another place that treat people with respect and not like catle in a slaughter factory.

Living with pain. This be my new theme. I am learning to respect it as I wish for this world to do to me. At this point, my compulsions are still getting the best of me. That said, I'm keen to stay the path with no more comfort eating during this time. This too makes up for some of the pain ... BUT ,,, I'm sensing I more grounded despite still feeling traped in a world of hurt. There is much to write about that I have left unsaid. All in good time. Those words I wish to choose welĺ as part of another period of letting go and prepping for whatever comes next. Prepping not a choice word ... 'allowing' I think be a better word that offers less resistance.

I try to relax now. Zzzz

Appoligies for bad spelling and grammar. On my phone.

Well it's 10 past seven in the evening at the time I began this post. I know I will be in for another rough night but that's OK. I am expecting it and in some ways welcome it. I'm kind of taking things head on like I used to do when feeling reanimated. Like many other full time suffers it's more a case of making these more balanced periods more drawn out than the extreme lows in between. I really don't want to think too long on that. It's been so fucking loooooooong this time around. I literally welcome the pain that is seeing me put the right things back inside my body. Seriously ... when you really hit rock bottom constantly over and over with no end in sight, there really is only two ways to go.

So instead of saying we shall see how long I will last ... I'm back into the passion of prepping my food with fuck all eating in between. I'm doing live Facebook feeds for my family and friends to see. hehe ... I smile at such an act - but it's real enough. Dave's Truman Show live on FB. I'm making things more ritualistic thus times are syncing in naturally with my efforts. Thankfully I got the knowledge which makes it all so much more easy. I'm still finding myself sensitivity to sunlight at this early stage, but feeling the benefits as I force myself out for short stints in my back yard just using my highly favored ultralight camping chair. I do my best to make those times 10 minute mediation sessions. So you see it's all kind of coming together once again for me.

I sigh still because once again I know the damn caffeine, sugar and all other steadily built up toxins weighing my down are climbing the walls around 2am these last few nights and I have some more to go. I guess you could say I am fasting despite still eating. Hydration in also improving as well. I note that has taken as much work over these last few days and in some sense given the abuse I have put myself through I think it will take like 2 weeks before I am fully hydrated as I should be. Long term I am looking at 3 months for serious detox gains, 6 months for greatly reduced pressure off my joints and huge reduction in inflation all round. Between 6 months to a year is the period similar to giving up smokes as was for my my consolidation period. After one year I will aim for 2 years to break my Vegan record which was slight just short of that. Those are long term goals. For now ... I just work on the next few weeks of pain and my body's un-natural compulsive tendency to crave like hell. In fact I can attribute that to 3 months as well. It's usually when I embrace the bland living in comparison to comfort drugs that my taste buds return and I really start to enjoy making my own flavors with just a few herbs and oil and water.

Salt sees my circulatory system close up and retain water instead of letting it do it's job. Salt leads me to obesity as much as sugar so I am also no longer using it. I seem to get enough from my fruits and veggies. In fact I know I do. Once more ... this is all repetitive stuff for me now. I'm glad I know I can do it and know what works for me.
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WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING ... Not much. This latest effort is taking a lot out of me. Not much time for anyone else at the moment. I really and truly need to start healing before I reach the event horizon. In some ways I am blessed my body is broken and unable to do what it normally does during these periods. I'm done with all the hypo tyco night glo BS. All that bouncing off the walls. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz I kind of feel sorry when I see others still stuck in that rut thinking its the only way to unwind or a necessary means to keep from going insane. There has to be a better way. Hopefully for my sake I will find it.

Does not surprise me as that is the guy that crashed a previous thread of mine where I gave up and left. By design. A pharmaceutical supporter I beleive. Go figure. Now he is part of the gang that hangs in their own thread where most of the traffic flows. That's fine by me. For a while there one of them was making fun of me when I got my new scooter. Made some kind of sig with me in it. Just the usual bullying tactics with a mob mentality. The other a closet racist hiding behind posting status. Anyone sitting on the side line dare not pop in or touch base for fear of being alienated. That's pretty much how we are all condition ... is it not?

As humans - we are a pathetic bunch. Not to worry though - I will continue on without worrying to much what any of those think. I will continue to create my world as I wish and not be influenced with shallow and pretentious banter that does little to inspire me. I wasted enough time as it was. If your reading between threads - you'll see the picture as I have painted. I'm just as pathetic and know it. That's what I have been trying to deal with and acknowledge it's not a popular read. What keeps me going is to understand what it means to be one's own viewer. Yea - I like that phrase. Makes total sense. When it's not despairing it can actually be quite empowering. I've missed being that way for quite some time now. Takes a deep breath and ponders more on that.

In other news. Smiles to think of just how systemic things be in my family. One of my daughters got a weird diagnosis ... I can't quite remember what my wife relayed but something like --- mmmmm actually it's so long all I got was something something Bipolar with bouts of phycosis or something or other. The thing that comes to my mind is the extent at how instability follows through. My deceased brother DXed with PTSD + schizophrenia and considering my long list he probably had a few others, my mother bless her soul suffers extreme anxiety and various necrotic traits (who in this world doesn't!) - one of my sons claims schizophrenia related although I tend to think it's something else but just as damaging - my sister anxiety issues and PTSD - another daughter of mine with un-diagnosed anxiety issues (although quite outgoing and upbeat) then there is me with a list that's included Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety (deemed extreme) ADHD - Bipolar Tendencies /Treated - (no longer deemed) Social Phobia with Mild Autism on the side for good measure. The latter an intriguing point of discussion that has revealed much about me before PTSD and also the extreme nature to which I can spin out and or just generally get lost in a wide variety of ways. My grandson bless him to bits is very special with Autism Lvl 2. It would not be right to leave my wife out of all this - of course she nearing 30 years on since meeting me - she have bouts of depression. Forgive the candor - my wife has also to deal with Primary progressive Multiple sclerosis which I know has played into her depression. Oh yea - one of my sons also DXed with Aspergers ... now thrown into the mix of ASD.

EDIT - NOTE* - NEARLY 30 YEARS TOGETHER WITH MY WIFE AND STILL IN TOUCH WITH ALL MY KIDS. Now that's an achievement despite our so called dysfunction. :) Yes it's not always been perfect relations - but this facet means a lot to me. I do acknowledge I have written about some hard core patchy times - but I have never given up on anyone in my family and I never will. That said - I think on attachments and how eventually I would do to let go. Yet anther topic.

NOW - that all said - I see the positive traits and strengths that far outweighs all those labels in each of my family. In fact I see most of the reason we have labels is because people in our society are no more than commodities than they are persons. A person more in terms of the spirit that lives within. That there be the essence of connection to which our so called collective community no longer relates too. People are either workers, contributors, creators OR they are either doll bludgers, saps or non creators. The latter being how pious new agers look down on those with lower frequencies. Discrimination and stigma knows no boundaries. lol. I have been around and travel to far yet still know nothing. I best pull up here.

This was good ... not sure what I achieved - but it does feel good. So much BS to let rip.

Oh the detox is going well by the way. I am allowing whatever part of myself to be inspired by my latest attempts. I'm still struggling in pain but like I said ... however I have accept that, that is my new theme. Other than the pain of my busted should and lower leg - my skin is no longer burning. Hooray!!! I am also able to breath through my nose a little more and less mouth breathing. Hooray!!! Not being sarcastic. Seriously those things have been a great relief to me. Also other than the fact I am late to bed tonight ... I when I do other than the waking up at 2am with cravings and empty feeling in my gut ... I have been getting qualtiy sleep when I sleep. Although still tired when I wake up ... I can feel each day I am waking up less tired than the day before.

I also had a good day with my support person (notice I said person and no worker) I don't gell with those who support me as a worker - it never works out when that concept focus takes rank. This I spoke about with my new paid friend to which really improved the quality of today's support. Just like my efforts in here - knowing what I want and setting goals is what I do with my NDIS supports - it's just that it can be difficulty making it REALLY about 'my' choice and control as that service be sold. BUT - I'm working it a little different this time around. No more community focus other than getting my food and ER visits like my fucked up shoulder. PWD advocate is on the ball re the recent way I was fondled. Good word for it I feel. Just a little stigma and discrimination re being handled like cattle. Already expelled that story.

What else ... I think that is it for now.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz Way overtime but better than my 1am bouts and I will mostly sleep all the way through .. touch wood.

Gives self a smile without the need to extend hand or phone. This was a good write.

Night night.
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

The world is confusing - go with your inner heart; not your compulsions. Whatever you do ... don't be a sheep.

Hmmm - I attempt to throw my mind into a title that reflects my approach to the world of conspiracy theory before I forget. Whilst I now do my best to respect and be more mindful of individuals that use faith and religion to find their way, I know I am just as much a prisoner and myself a hypocrite as to that and those I resist. I've written many a story regarding the historical abuse at the hands of the church where that relates to myself and where the resulting expression in my tone would have me seen more shackled than a victim who had grown wings. For all my attempts to escape such a mentality I'll be honest and admit I am still trapped. I do believe I have woken up, but just not really gelling well with this concept of awakening as often sold within the so called new age community - as well as others new and old. That community is just as fractured as any to be found in our new age society. The latter reference more meaning all of us are we find ourselves on the rock this day and age.

After many years of searching I have come to see that waking up has nothing to do with accession. To me that is as futile as any system that seeks to attain, to acquire, to collect ... to build and endlessly produce with no end in sight. Yet in the minds of so many, the end, is all any of us think about. Part of me senses that the act of making one's self and others comfortable through obtaining, acquisition, collections and construction is not the fault. However the way/intention in which such dreams are held, has led me to see such creations as no more than representations of a vain world that has gone insane. It's plain to see with land grabs now under way and as visually seen from space. I need not go on. Point being that Einstein hit the mark re one of my favorite quotes - ‘I fear the day technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.’

He was frustrated too. Moreover and ironically much of what I have gleaned comes from a religiously inclined mentality that appears to focus on detaching from the rigors of mind itself; eastern philosophy. Although the concept of east and west today are not the same as they once were and to complicate things further the toxicity of one now plagues the other. But I would be very careful not to hold either one above the other. To me that is how you end up with the worshiping group mentality that leads so many into an unbalanced world of sheep. I think in terms of new age hippies, gurus as much as I think in terms of Christians, patriots, nationalists and so on. That being the toxicity that I now feel has merged east and west into a global mess. One need not travel to the other in order to find whatever and the stories that each takes from the other in order to create new groups and sell books further adds to that mix. So it is from that perspective which I have defined over the years - so it is that I know seek to climb out of that soup.
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The above would be my quick morning introduction into the process of how and when I gave up my religion and started opening up to conspiracy theories.

Something I once picked up on that gelled really well for me was one individual's take on the term - conspiracy theory. That being nothing more than a quest to expose the cons within one set of systems/beliefs and that the so called investigation be no more than a theory. I beleive he went on to explain how once many investigated concepts (anther word worth exploring) are accepted as truth ... they are to those individuals no longer theory. They become Truth. (another term often misunderstood) There is a lot more to that but I don't want to get lost from the point I am trying to make. It really does help to understand one's position when exploring or searching for answers with a level head - compared to a seemingly natural compulsion to react when hearing main stream media using buzz words that have been groomed. Groomed to have people not think but just react. The term 'conspiracy theory' is just one of millions of demonized words. Understand the process is where it's really at.

OK - time to move on with my morning. I just take note that it's with such scrutiny that I do not take on board everything I take in and am acutely aware of many sets of mentality that lead any group/movement into traps within concepts that sell themselves as the way to freedom. I would like to ponder more on that and how I too often get trapped in the realm of spiritual entertainment as well as how I can still learn from sitting on the fence ... which goes against against the grain of many established collective minds who would seek to push one way or the other. These days that pushing is done a lot more deceptively to get what they want.

Adios until next post. Have a good day/evening/night.

I just wanted to let the user know who gave a thumbs down on my awesome video ... that no one can see your demeaning mark anymore. Happens a lot. I share something that means a lot to me, and then you get someone who thrives on giving you a dislike. The fact that we even has such a system is quite toxic and those that support it - I care even less for.

Have a nice day ... I know will. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF6NoZSv2XI

7PM & Knackered. It's working... ZZZZzzzzzzzzz Have been getting quality sleep minus the shoulder discomfort. All Good. :)

How to avoid creating a pseudo identity through the use of Facebook and likewise Social Media platforms and avoid amplifying the human ego? Now where did I get that from? … Just my summery of words after watching the following link. Good ol Eckhart Tolle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuo2VEJoDk4
Beware of the advert ‘How to radiant confidence’ ROFL – The Irony never ends.

I know that there are many people out there that would sell the idea that we should enhance our ego in order to become more confident and lift our vibration. Most of these conceptions/services guide people to seeking purpose and finding one’s self entirely based on external sources. This is nothing new. It has been going on for an eternity. Today it is more evident because of technological advances and increased population. Our world is now bursting at the seems when it comes to materialistic things. These things have become the primary ingredient for us to find our purpose and find our … perception of self. Is it any wonder so many of us feel so distorted?

How to get back into shape? How quick we are to run to the gym and again rely on external things. If not the gym then perhaps an online order of macro nutrients. Better yet, a prescription reliant on the pharmaceutical industry who have all our solutions conveniently encapsuled. If you think you have all the answers but want to make life easier why not a life coach? … and so it goes on and on. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz I have done them all over and over.

Immediately Pros & Cons go through the mind justifying the need for each. I get that – I too am victim to all these facets. If you’re not, then I would question why your reading this in a forum that sells itself as a home for the suffering. As is the print when Googling ‘Anxiety Forum UK a home for’

In the off chance that any of this may sound challenging, I remind anyone reading that my words are directed at myself and would ask that you don’t take them personally. These writings when at this level come from a place of struggle but poised as mindfully as best I can. I tell myself that my intention in being here is to find peace regardless of my showing off, of so-called things. I never really feel comfortable when it’s about the thing itself. I got excited about my scooter and took photos to show others. Kind of feels like when I have also taken images of food and uploaded those. I like to think of those things as no more than a precursor to launching me into a place where I need the momentum to take the next step. There is an aspect of motivational concept in that which has worked well in the past for me, however I am very aware of the traps … hence the acknowledgements I present in this post. If you watch the video Eckhart himself admits he does not understand such things. I get a little of where he is coming from as I am starting to grow weary of such actions myself. Is hard not to be conditioned.

I think this is why I now feel a yearning to return to taking photos of nature instead – but not as part as some competition or to show off. Just a record to how I am feeling and more a gauge of where I am at. So much conflict in all these services. Eckhart is surrounded by irony in how others show him off to which he also admits. I have struggled very much with the well intend and often inspiring/enlightening messages I have perceived from him, due to see the gloss and seemingly stereotyped audiences and the connections with people I find even more conflicting such a Orpah; a women who thrives on identity with an audience even more managed than main stream media. Sigh. I best stop as I don’t think I will make much sense to anyone else other than myself … although again … I like it more when I let lose and care less. "Dave ... – tell it like you don’t know it is. What’s next?"
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I really wanted to again focus back on the 'conspiracy theory' subject, but then atypically got side tracked with a link. Eckhart Tolle TV: What do you think about Facebook? The TV part triggered my aversion to the gloss surrounding Eckhart, but the tittle hooked me fair enough. Then I wanted to reason my own view and where I stand with how I groove.

Time for a walk.