Dave's Dairy

Today I actually had to quit one of my supports early because I am just too tired. There is nothing that I have to do or try to be which is fine by me. I am OK with how I am feeling and in no rush to correct it. I'll balance naturally.

My new cooler runs a little warmer but I am not going to fuss about a few degrees under idle. I fluctuate between 35 - 44 Celsius in a hot room during summer without aircon. I've also swapped out the original radiator fans for RGB (lighting) and again, happy to sacrifice a couple of degrees in favor of having a night light.

Hope we all get out energy back soon enough but encourage others to be OK with where they are at. Stressing about it only adds to it. If soldiering on is what you want to do, then by all means. Not for me. I enjoy a good yawn. :)

Well I am going to push on - regardless of the fuckwit trolling the forum. He and the other are on Iggy. I sense they are one and the same. I won't be having any of that shit in my world from this point on and I'll be fucked if I will let it ruin the forum whilst it is still here. So on that note I suggest others do the same:

https://i.ibb.co/1qKLmXQ/Bye-Bye.png

I post a final time to consolidate and wipe that shit off my slate. No doubt it will pop in because it's just that fucking retarded. This is how it will look when it or they do:

https://i.ibb.co/pvMZpQB/ignored-persons.png

https://i.ibb.co/4p5f084/Ignore-3.png

They / It will only no be referred to in the 3rd person and more so as a very brief reference as to squatting a fly and moving on - if it all. Now fuck that shit and moving on.

As previously stated doing this will also remove their names off the index list out in the main of the forum. Much more peaceful without having to see the continual abuse.

Righto - here is one I prepared earlier. I was actually going to put it over in the NMP forum but consider that place too mainstream for the stuff I write about and thus thought I might come off similar to the troll that has been toying with this forum. That said, I think I am a little more intelligent. lol Woops - slipped out. Sigh. I guess I am just as retarded but for the most part generally do not like to incite ill feeling if I can help it.

Already I am going on but this is OK. It's actually a good tone for me to express. It is challenging writing about the things that have me down in a way that is not demeaning of others. I am trying to be mindful when I write about such things. So it is that I will share as I really do not mean to pick sides when it comes to such things. I am now referring to this hole Covid business. I have to admit it does feel very business orientated of late. $$$ But like all things - that is nothing new. People will always try to profit off the hardships of others, regardless of one's point of view.

After this cut and past I will include where I am up to with my new PC upgrades:
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I know it's repetitive - but I find going other the things more than once that are plaguing me helps to better regulate. Each time I go over things, they become a little clearer - somewhat at least:

Struggling of Late But Doing OK.
It's no secret about the massive changes taken place over the last couple of years. If things were not bad enough for those of us challenged with social anxiety pre-cv, now is a time that I find extremely challenging just opening my front door. Regardless of opinion which in itself is sickening with regards to show boating compliance and self-policing being more rampant than proposed reports in a climate of distrust that predates today's goings-on, is the dreaded task of standing in a line to be subject to something you would rather not. It's not what I or others believe that is the issue for me, but the overall distrust that society has incurred through its own history of indoctrination and social stratification. Highly recommend people read a Novel called Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Read it with a grain of salt and you'll still come out the other end much more educated than any offerings of societies top universities.

My support person is encouraging me to make an appointment with one of the local chemists so I am no longer considered one of 'The Unvaccinated.' He means well as it's starting to affect our community engagements since I have not yet been injected. My trepidation is not so much about distrust in a society that has proven to be nothing but untrustworthy, but more the stigmatization and margination going on in the community of late. These aspects are quite debilitating for someone with my labels. To coerced by means of opinionated speech blanketed by comments of "congratulations!" by those giving the shots was an ODD moment for me. Of course I use ODD for lack of a better term. The way I see it, any trouble yielded by such antics is generated by those imposing their opinion in such a way upon others whom have only lined up under duress. Therefore, it is not so much an ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) moment - but an adverse reaction that sees one boycott the directive given. It's also something I consider as abuse by those who condone themselves in such a way. I am referring to an incident at one of our local technical colleges where those administering the CV Vaccine where overly excited endorsing congratulations to everyone receiving the shots in a somewhat obnoxious way. Upon hearing this news, I vowed never to take the vaccine. So it's not really ODD because my reaction is carefully chosen and whilst it may or may not be problematic that I yearn to boycott many things when threatened like so, the choice to avoid such toxic interactions is actually for my own protection. Considering the subject matter of which I speak, it's a huge irony ... I know. That said, I place no opinion on the validity of proposed pandemic either way. I do however propose that the dynamics surrounding today's perception management are just as toxic and would do well to line up for its own vaccination. Once those making the rules get a good dose of the demeaning manner in which is being conducted, they might understand better why so many resist. Unfortunately, we live a world that is quick to create labels and in this case is far easier to just say - ODD.

This take of mine all being just one of many harsh realities in many aspects that we ourselves cannot change, which reminds me of the AA meeting I use to attend. (The serenity prayer/affirmation) Although one's take on such an affirmation can be seen many ways. I choose to see more in a Buddhist way with respect to 'giving in for the sake of peace' - vs those who would reason such acceptance is more about giving up and counter to one's overwhelming need to resist. Such needs often more destabilizing than the proposed source of pain itself Yet to consider such things in my book yields more positive results than not. So receiving the jab is not nearly as problematic as it is to that of the response of others in the community who are just as affected by all these goings-on as well as myself; regardless of perception, invested emotion or layers of belief.

So what to do - Mindset ... I've already started with this little write up of mine. I have a support person who will come with me. I am both fortunate and thankful for that. I could even get lucky and have my vaccine administered by someone who is at best professional about it whilst respecting my obvious anxiety. Checking my own demeanour will no doubt help. Sadly, my wife tells me it will be the first of many injections and that it will be ongoing for the rest of my life. I find that to be so sad and unsure if I really want to live in such a world.

However ... I can't leave this write up like that. I have to believe - and believing in things is really hard for me to do ... that there will be a way to live through whatever this new world brings. Moreover, that my ability to create new worlds regardless of that which I cannot change - is something I can foster till my least breath. To accept outside the happiness trap exist a space in which I can always find space - no matter the pain.

Yea - that sounds pretty good to me ... all things considered.
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On with me Day - Continuing to work on my Custom Gaming PC Upgrade. :) - It seems to be coming along quite well. I need another node for my rear exhaust fan and still in two minds about liquid cooling my GPU/Graphics Card. On that note - I'm still creating new worlds.

https://i.ibb.co/YQRJ6Fy/Animation-2.gif

I've been so busy with selling things, researching what and how to make my upgrades and build my friends custom build that I have missed writing deeply about the things that ... hmmm ... just make my mind wander I guess. Like the world is what it is, but how it is to us can be such a drag when we allow others to imprint as opposed to taking the time to write out own scripts. Something like that. The tone settles after a good rant and then when going back over things you can still see things as the be but the way in which I digest is not as toxic as other narratives would have that be. To be sure it is lonely as hell contemplating and hitting out on topics like these. Anyways ...

I share today's desktop image and go back to researching my next move with my PC. I am either going to liquid cool my GPU (Graphics Card) or I will upgrade some more hardware which I could really use. More RAM is something that would help with regard to digital editing and also with some gaming mods.

https://i.ibb.co/QDNn0f3/Today-s-Desktop.jpg

Once my one track mind has completed it's goals re the hardware ... I look forward to writing up some more on the things that currently plague this world. I hope to do so from a point that is easily read.

I don't like being derailed and have been overly tolerant in here of late. I would love to be all sunshine and bubbles, but sometimes you just got to pull the pin then pick up the pieces with whatever is left. Please ignore that ongoing interruptions in my blog as too the forum. It's not all that bad once you use the Iggy feature. Leaving only just feeds them. I'll be in this space till either the forum is shut down or I am dead. One of the others. I'm a bit retareded that way ... but thus far is has more benefits than not.

Peace out guys. We can have it if we do not focus on the other. It is possible. Keep in touch. ;)

https://i.ibb.co/4p5f084/Ignore-3.png

Random Vlog - Touching Base & Keeping it Real

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WHpfl_9wV0

Gosh, that was so nice to see you again, thank you. For now, I'll just ignore the nonsense going on here and talk to you.

LMAO ... not your best angle. I'm the type that looks better on low lighting, I guess as the night goes on in the bar I start to look better (the drunker people get). Heeeeeeeeeee. :D

Seriously..

I do hope you will pop in ans visit at NMP every once and a while even just to chat or "Word Association" or smth. I'll remain here so long as we're going, but yeah; derailed is a good way to put it. Oh well, whatever. A bit adolescent to me.

Thank you again and I appreciate that you mentioned the upcoming holidays and we'll get through it somehow together and hopefully some people will return here, though, I wouldn't count on it given the toxic turn this place has turn. As the holidays draw closer I go further in zombie mode and things get unclear and I miss my dearly departed father during this time as he would be here twice a month to visit.

Anyway, hopefully your enjoying your computer projects and will enjoy your time to yourself to do what makes you happy :)

Thanks Sal. I'll consider NMP.

Really tired tonight so going just hit the sack early ... for a change. Nothing could ever replace our parents, but we can keep up the visits as best we can. :)

OH - I forgot to add - after changing my fans around and a bit of refitting I got my idle temps down as follows:

That's on start up - after its been sitting a bit it's more like 34 to 37 with animated desktop wallpaper on super ultrawide monitor and a little internet surfing. i9900k is known to run hot so I could not be more content with the results. GPU is also benefiting from the changes I have made. I might setup up on overclocking profile but at this point I see no need. Perhaps 5Ghz for the odd game I know that can benefit from high clock speeds on single core. Cities Skylines being one example.

https://i.ibb.co/ZzkKZSx/20211115-170610.jpg


https://i.ibb.co/929Lp3j/20211115-171952.jpg

Awesome ... I've been going to bed early myself lately. Just going to find something tonight that doesn't require much thought and hopefully drift off on the couch.

I hope you have a nice day :)

Not every night has been early. I'm glad to hear you have been getting a couple in though. Tonight is another late one - although 11:19 (at time I start this) is better than 2am where the latter has been too often of late. I hope your were able to let go with the heavy thinking and drift off like you affirmed. My day was not bad thank you. I went out and got a thick shake from McDonalds with my support. We started looking for coffee shops but I do not like it when they say they only have cardboard cups. Going out is not something I do often and the last think I want to do is celebrate it with coffee and cardboard. I'm not sure why, but when I turn down the cardboard the shop keepers/staff look back as if I have offended them. So it was we opted for a thick shake from the drive through instead. LOL @ the cardboard straws though. You can't win. lol. God forbid I have a milkshake like they did in the 50s. hahahaha. Sigh. If only! The world has turned to cardboard my friend. Chuckles at that thought. From one extreme to the other. Oh well ... I had strawberry and it was real nice ... minus my esophagitis freezing up given the effort it took to suck with a cardboard straw. I'm thinking of ordering my own metal straw online. Instead of pulling out a cigar I will produce a telescopic metal straw. I'll also have to start taking my own coffee cup. That's get the staff talking. :)

Anyways. We had a thick shakes at the local botanical gardens. It was nice to get out of the house. I was losing my breath walking and I am not doing well in the heat our global region is known for. I was not prepared for this summer at all.

The money for my laptop has cleared and my mum is sending a cheque. My mind has been busy with all kinds of forum posts asking lots of questions about all the parts I need. The project is good, but it's starting to ware me down. I can be a high achiever at times with many of the things I take on, but struggle with regulating. I yearn for the project to finish but don't want to mess it up.

In other news - Police turned up to serve my wife with a Domestic Violence Order taken out against her by the wife of our grandson's father. His wife is not happy because my wife reported financial information to child support questioning and or exposing deception on their part in the avoidance of paying child maintenance. Long story short - when online and your avoiding child support, be careful about when you own more than one house and selling one of them who you tell publicly. Facebook can be a trap when it comes to showboating publicly. That's pretty much how they got caught out. No stalking involved, but that is the basis of their claim against my wife after child support got involved. Now they claim both my wife and have abused and are a risk to our grandson. Bla Bla and Bla. It has cost my wife a thousand $$$ just for a retainer to get her foot in the door with representation as this time around after a seven year court battle she is completely exhausted - I feel the same. I totally get why my wife is vigilant in her advocating for our grandson re all the past deception. My wife is pretty smart. She takes her role as justice of the peace quite seriously and now whilst that is under threat with these baseless accusations, her delivery of this case to those she is retaining seems to be well met with a confident affirmation that even if the case goes to trial it should be easy enough to squash and at least make the other side pay half the costs back. I think these people are going to be in for a shock.

Sadly I almost had to call an ambulance because my wife's MS took a major hit shortly after all this took place with the police turning up and then having to come up with the money ... so on and so on. I think we are going to fight this one as hard as we did the last seven years - BUT - despite being a much shorter case, I just hope it does not bust us financially. It would be ironic if these people who have been hiding their money and skirting their responsibility to their grandson, use their money to cripple us. Going by the state of their submission, it does not look like they have representation. That said, just like I sold most of my things for my computer project, we can be resourceful and know well how to save further by having the knowledge to work with a lawyers as a team. Doing most of the work for them is key.

SIGH - is still draining and the impact I am worried about on my wife. Nevertheless - I try to keep positive for her, lend an ear a be encouraging instilling strength and so on.

Life just goes and never stops throwing curve balls. We got this though.
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I think that is enough drama to report. hehe. There is nothing in what I report that can be used against me or my family. I share without demeaning or being bitter. We are not avoiding taxes or anything like that so have nothing to loose. We have no such money at any rate. Unless I sell my belongings I live off small loans. We own no houses or even cars that exceed bankruptcy price. We do not attempt to live beyond our means as doing so is typically met with futility. As have been the case for those trying to drag us down. Like I say - I think they are in for an uncomfortable surprise. I sense rage is on the horizon for them. I only hope my wife can get over it all in due time as rage has a habit of being contagious regarding such disputes.

This is something common when it comes to money which is what this is really all about as I first described when opening up above. If it's not about avoiding taxes, child support its about when people die and who gets what. That family visit I did last where my sister was going on about her breakup, how much she was owed and then went on about my mum and dads will - it ended really messed up, my last visit I mean. I have resigned myself that I will most likely get nothing and if I do, that it will not be much. I think it is best just to accept that now. What's more important is that I work on relations with my mum while she is still around. The small loans and handouts that she gives me now is not about the money, but gives me that feeling that she is helping me because she wants to. That means so much more. She told me before I left after all that fighting and how my dad held the operation money against me like he did, she says "David, I'll still give you money" or something to that affect. I was a little confused when she said it. She said it quietly whilst we were away from any of the others like a day or two after all three of them tag teamed me. Remember ... all the finger pointing screaming and yelling together at the same time where I had to ask them to please do it one at a time so I could respond one at a time. Anyways - I just figured mum understood when I explained that they should not really of helped me with surgery if they were going to hold it against me and that is something my wife and I would never ever do to our kids. I don't think they heard my on the last count because of how they were all screaming at me. It was all over the WILL garbage. All I was asking was for them to consider that it is not a good idea to hold one sibling above another with such responsibilities. I was concerned because my sister was justifying her need for more because she has not lived a poor life like I have ... something to that affect. She was extremely tactless about it and should never of brought the subject up. In some sense I am glad for it because I really got to see that side of her that is able to be so cold when it suits her. I have never understood how people can so easily turn off to such things or just show boat compassion to meet their own needs. Like how calculative people can get. In some ways my brother was also like that. I've always been the naive one in such things. Granted I have many of my own faults.

Is why I tend to bring things up when everyone does not want to hear about it - just like in public forums and such. I have never been good with secrets and struggle with people being cold and so on. - So I just figured when mum said what she did after the shit storm, she was genuine in the only way the mum knew how and I guess it was on target and not about the money. I'll give my mum that - she has been good with handouts without making it about the money for the most part. She has been very generous like that. My dad has had his moments too but in the end money for him is like his army uniform. The idenfinatcion with status and imo the shortcomings that come with that are just too strong. He can't help it though - it's a cultural thing ... deeply embedded. My sister can't help it either. It is deeply ingrained traits ... just like all my short comings. Is what it is. The games do continue though. So it is that I had to tell my sister it's over. I know after last visit that she will never change and that I am just too old for the negative patterns to be played like so. I will continue in her eyes to live as a poor person whilst she fights to maintain her standards. All are interactions our based on that. Always an air of expected forgiveness to be requested in order to be heard or seen. Religion is the perfect canvas for such pretentious beings.

Righto ... Just have to see the next week out until my wife's court hearing. I might ask mum for another good movie to watch. It was my mum that recommended 'The Electrical Life of Louis Wain' ... I thought I had no-one left to miss, but I guess I was wrong. Just like you miss your Dad, I will soon enough miss my Mum. I do hope this forum and yourself are still around when that happens. :)

Almost one AM ... that took a bit to write. That said I feel I am ready to sleep. Is good to write these things without ranting and raving. Night night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz