Yea Yea I know - Back Again

I got a new bicycle and camera but no space to record my adventures. Not much else has happened. Had a really good catch up with my parents and sister. All my supports are going well enough. I have still been struggling with my well being goals but have not given up trying to get a grasp on that front.

Unfortanley as untouched this town has been with the corona virus plandemic - we are now finally wearing face masks in shops and close quarters. I'm dealing with and thankful that I have moral support when I go out. That helps a lot.

I leave it at that and pick this up later. Just focusing on getting up early each morning and to bed before midnight. As long as I keep getting up early in the morning I am getting to bed before midnight. FOOD is still a huge struggle for me. Just like alcohol and drugs used to be a huge issue.

Working on it.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Night night.

Dead quiet hey ......

I'll be back with some photos. Nap Time. ZZzzz

Here's the new camera and some of the photos thus far: Digital Zoom is not for everyone, but I enjoy making the most of the images regardless. A simple filter works well for me. I do love the super zoom in a small package. Well aware of this cameras limitations and my uses are different from most folk seeking perfection. Makes for a great video binocular/telescope.

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/attach...tid=1968&stc=1

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/attach...tid=1967&stc=1

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/attach...tid=1966&stc=1

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/attach...tid=1969&stc=1

Think I'll just link:

https://i.ibb.co/Pmht0R1/Digizoom2.jpg

From Above Image
https://i.ibb.co/SNmbBBp/Seas-Side-Hill-Top.jpg

2 Guys & a Boat
https://i.ibb.co/wcyXRr5/Snap-shot.jpg

Waiting for her dog:
https://i.ibb.co/TTcqM8R/Waiting-for-her-dog.jpg

Note the small boats ... the following images are digital zooms capturing those:

https://i.ibb.co/c2zP2cq/Hervey-Bay-Point-Vernon-2.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/xzRzBBq/Hervey-Bay-Point-Vernon.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/RC2TDdT/Hervey-Bay-Point-Vernon-3.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/cxWwRLD/Hervey-Bay-Point-Vernon-4.jpg

Couple More then on with my evening:

Optical Max:
https://i.ibb.co/0YZNWG8/Fishing.jpg

A very long way for this tiny camera:
https://i.ibb.co/B36Ys4Z/Pier.jpg

Even further but the canvas filter works well enough for me: (This pier is hundreds and meters long - 800 I believe and I'm sitting about 2km from the point shown below)
https://i.ibb.co/DYzXKc3/Pier-Shot.jpg

Sun rise or sun set would make for a good canvas. Not feeling that keen just yet. One step at a time.

Adios.

Got up early and took camera with monopod and drove to an open spot with a bench seat. I was somewhat nervous as I usually am when on my own with devices or anything that I feel makes me stand out. Hence why I prefer using a smaller camera. Instead of using tripod I am trying out a monopod which is also smaller, less obvious and easier to carry around. I felt OK once I got into the observing part of this activity although took quite some time get my head out of self conscious mode. At the end of it all, I walked casually back to my car with camera still connected to monopod thankful that there was not many people around:

https://i.ibb.co/5vnTwnc/Distant-Boat.jpg

I've been following your thread and I would just like to say that you're doing great. I am jealous of what you do. I hope you keep posting your photos as are they are all great. They show me a part of the world I do not know of from the eyes of someone real.

Glad your enjoying the photos Camille. Appreciate the encouragement as well. TY. I had a day off the camera today and started catching up on yard work instead. I changed the knobby tires on my mountain bike to what are called slicks in order to peddle a little easier on the road. During that process I put knocked some of the rear index gearing out of alignment and have to learn how to fix it. That said I can still drive to a location later in the day to take a photo or two. I could even walk to be honest. I'd much rather fix my bike though. It certainly rides much faster on the road since changing out the tires to slicks.

I responded in your new thread re difficulty conversing with others. I do struggle at times myself. I hope my response was useful. That said we all have our own ways of dealing with things I guess. Here's to improving in those areas that make life just that little bit easier.

Here we go ... I share these ones I took the other day. (snap shots from my phone) They are not down by the beach or out in public, but they are outside in my garden and back patio. I took these to share with my friends and family.

This is Gold Stripe Bamboo otherwise known as multiplex Bamboo. Apparently its great for pots however if you want it to grow a decent height it needs to be in a large pot. I just repotted from a 30cm pot into a 50cm pot. I plan to grown another six of these bamboo plants in similar pots / most likely end up in terracotta - and then put them along the edge of my rear patio. For now I am Sunning this one to spur along it's growth. It's got a long way to go. I can see I will have to clean up some of those oranges. That little tree is also off to a good start. When I moved in everything was overgrown. Took me a lot of cutting back as well as thinning out to get the place up to scratch. Sugar Cane Mulch also works wonders.
https://i.ibb.co/c8skmS3/Gold-Stripe-Bamboo.jpg

This shows the pot a little better. I only just got the bamboo a few months ago. It was rootbound when I transferred it from the 30cm pot. Originally I bought it in something like a 15 to 20cm pot before putting into 30cm one. It has only grown a little taller but has definitely multiplied with additional shoots since then. I'm hoping it at least doubles in size by end of next summer. We are only just going into autumn now.
https://i.ibb.co/yn5Gh24/50cm-Pot.jpg

The plants are called Song of India. I just used long handled secateurs to cut of several stems and put them into small pots without any growing powder. They did pretty well on their own with me just keeping up the water and liquid fettler over a few months. Whilst transplanting the bamboo I put these into 30cm pots (the size the bamboo was in) The larger Song of India plant up the back is in a 40cm Pot. The others in the 30ish cm terracotta pots is a gardenia shrub and summer shrub of some kind. Both of those will be repotted at the end of this upcoming winter. Just picked a heap of passion fruit also off the vine. I would of done the vine differently, but happy there is one here at any rate. The place we moved into is very close to the other houses but I do like that our new place is larger. That's been good.
https://i.ibb.co/ypY6kX1/Love-of-india-plant.jpg

Some of these plants I have had for years - Since moving into the new house they are doing much better since I put them into these wooden plant troughs. I just filled those up with a good potting mix with some fly screen below to help hold in the mix yet also allow for draining. There is new growth just coming up in the middle in the foreground planter box.
https://i.ibb.co/h14H2bk/Some-house-...oom-window.jpg

Off to bed - feeling tired from the yard work today. Hope you guys have a good day / evening. It's been good that I have been sleeping before 10pm of late.

Todays Photo:
https://i.ibb.co/t2P8TM0/the-Beach-L...r-portrait.jpg

Have a nice day.

Good morning world. So far so good with no moaning and groaning. I can't say it's not going to happen but thus far I have done well to ride with the pain. Point and Case to Acceptance. I know how it is that the latter is more often than not viewed as a case of allowing one self to be imprisoned. That being in reference to the more accepted take on giving in. It does not have to be that way. Similar principles can be adopted as a way to letting go in order to win. Yet in the light of burning desire, when knees begin to buckle there is a presence that instills a sense albeit fleeting, of how peace of mind can be obtained through the act of no resistance. Worth noting this comes from a guy who has been fighting all his life. Which of us has truly not? It's all in the language we choose to use and the tone in which we allow ourselves to sit. The conflicting words here being Choice & Control. That still not being enough when knowing I still have such abilities in my lowest of lows. Yet despite those fleeting insights I tend towards that predisposition that's been conditioned through whatever means. The insanity that comes from resistance is forever binding to say the least yet spun so tantalizing. That which savours addiction to pain and suffering living off delusions of comfort. It is for this reason I've endured long bouts of sustaining myself in a sea of quick fixes offered up in fanciful stories that thrives off feted emotion. It is no wonder regardless of obtaining whatever that we continue to overindulge. Yet pain and suffering does have a limit. I currently sit on the outer limits choosing my words carefully seeking that fleeting presence that I have known to instill peace. Freedom from impulse to say the least. I wonder if I have betrayed myself in my attempt to express as much?

Have a good day / evening guys.

------ When all else fails - head for the sea & don't look back ------
https://i.ibb.co/hYYtBKG/By-The-Ocean-2.jpg

It's assessment time again. When being subsidized such warranting never ends. At any rate I though this would be a relevant share in an anxiety forum such as this. You don't have to have ASD or ADHD or whatever ... Anyone can just struggle with Traumatic Recall without even being diagnosed with PTSD. These revelations in my own case are more to clarify and or validate both the 'Chronic' & 'Complex' nature of my PTSD diagnosis. So fixated on the upscaling my previous Diagnosis of Mild to Levle 2 ASD and also the finalization of ADHD which now hit's my list of condition among Social Anxiety disorder and said chronic complex PTSD (one moment whilst I chuckle like the joker) ... I had completely forgotten to bring up the issues and impact of Life long PTSD Flashbacks. I share that now whilst I am still currently under the ever-present microscope of our wonderful health services.
__________________________________________________ ________

Dear 'therapist' Some Note's for your consideration when making additions/amendments to the category of Chronic Complex PTSD against a background of a prejudicial traumatic childhood ...


· PTSD Flashbacks still Present:
Yes – PTSD Flash Backs are something that I have had to deal with for most of my life and still very much present today. In fact, they are as fresh as the Road Rage incident that took place last year. Whilst the most recent event did trigger pasts events in a cascading effect and despite a major regression which I am just now improving with my weekly therapy sessions, I have come to accept that I will never overcome my PTSD flashbacks but are simply doing my best to accept them. The best I can do is learn how these flashbacks come to the surface and avoid the situations that trigger them. For those circumstance I am unable to avoid the next step is learning how to sit in my discomfort.

· The Vividness of Events:
I always find myself surprised at how fresh these events seem to be. It as if it was like yesterday and the very same traumatic emotions that took place at the time are happening all over again.


· What Triggers the PTSD Flashbacks

*EXCERSISE
Returning to Exercise after having a long break can result in what I refer to as exercise rages. I experience this often on the treadmill. As traumatic as this can be, I generally push myself to complete my exercise knowing it will get better the less stressful my exercise becomes. I only note this because over the decades those PTSD Flashbacks are always there with the same intensity and is something, I am doing my best to accept.

*ENVIROMENTAL STRESSES
When I am feeling overwhelmed in general, my health running low, not enough sleep, disruption in my outdoor exposure and or general routine I often find myself prone to reliving PTSD flashbacks which massively impact me.


· IMAPACT of PTSD Flashbacks
They are extremely draining. Recently after moving house I experienced some PTSD Flashbacks but thought nothing of them because they have become frequent during such times of stress. I know it may not make sense that I would disregard such traumatic events but with my failing memory I am quick to forget and often wonder why it is that I am feeling so drained. I had to make a doctor visit after moving house because for weeks after I was experience sever fatigue symptoms where I found myself sleeping in the middle of the day … day after day. The problem was I was feeling more sickly from fatigue the more I tried to rest. I eventually put it down to over sensory issues and had to admit to bouts of PTSD Flashbacks even though I try to disregard them. (The **** personal support person) can vouch for this extreme tiredness as I exclaimed to him something was wrong with me although I could not fathom why so for so many weeks.

I would also point out that when I first met the now therapist (****) that I was also quite fatigued. It happens quite a lot to me when ever I go through periods of PTSD Flashbacks.

Duration of PTDS Flashbacks. During bouts where I struggle with the episodic nature of my diagnosed conditions and symptoms, I can go up to 3 Days of unregulated intense emotions from rage to despairingly isolation. It is during these times I end up with extreme fatigue for up to two weeks in which my cognitive ability is extremely reduced. Whilst this does not happen all the time and can be said to be less frequent when supported, it is during times I am unsupported and or self-isolated that these bouts take place.


In summery With so much focus on the ASD and now ADHD – it is easy for forget about such things. It was during today’s session that this facet came to light and reason why I am now writing about it. With the review coming up it only makes sense to bring this dynamic into the picture under the PTSD section of my reports. My forgetfulness is a major contributor with so much going on as to why I have also not brought this up.
______________________________
End of transmission:

I am sure despite whatever labels, many people can relate to the impact of such reliving of events. For me they never grow old. Comes down to that acceptance I mentioned in previous post. Just when we think we have let go - BOOM ... there it is again ... plain as the day we lived it. Yet - the only way I can get through those days it to again accept these painful experiences pains of living. Whilst I can't say I have been diagnosed with cancer, I tell myself it equates to the same thing and that in time with stats being the way they are that it's best to accept things could be worse. I will always have these PTSD Flashbacks ... is just part and parcel to the degree with which I have been DXed. Hopefully these reviews will easy up so that in the end I am less identified with said labels. That's the beauty of disidentification. Alas I will pull up short of that. God forbid I start to improve.

Laughs again like the joker.

Until later ... Take Care Folks.

BOAT WATCHING BY THE BAY:

Zoomed in to 70mm which imo represents on this little compact about your average human FOV. Some say that is more like 30-35mm however this is about how far the boat really looked from my point of view. It was a relaxing sit and again I was with my support person. It's coming into the cooler time of the year although way too brief for my liking. It way too how and humid here however the temps are more evenly spread which is good for my wife's MS. I'll enjoy the next two months before things start to slowly warm up again.

https://i.ibb.co/Z6jwP0x/Boat-Watching-By-The-Bay.jpg


https://i.ibb.co/F83qF6f/Boat-Watching.jpg

Please forgive my weighty posts of late. It can be rather stressful during the assessment times. Always with the retelling. That said, with each rerun I never really express it the same way. Like the details are as repetitive as the flashbacks themselves, but the essence derived from mindful recall carries a different antidote each time. It has to be that way to play the game this world requires. Lest I really do go completely insane.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Whilst this process is going on I am going to share another email after many hours of no sleep. My support worker was very supportive siting with me today as I wrote the following. Basically I felt I did not adequately respond to a question during my previous therapist visit. That said, they are relaxed visits at my house. I kind of go on more about the PTSD but then get routed on the topic of homelessness. This one I know very well. I cut and paste that email now:
_________________

cont ... from above:
________________________

Hi *****, Before I forget:

After talking with ***** this morning (could not sleep was up till 2am and rode my bike a 5am) I have a couple more notes to add to my last regarding PTSD Flashbacks: I know some of it might sound repeated, however I feel you should keep and consider the additional bits. I'm hoping to define and or touch on some of the more difficult areas where diagnoses overlap ... more so in the closing comments:

PTSD Flashbacks = YES - Regularity = Yes / Impact still extreme but less often Yet Disabling = a work in progress / life long / complex

Another reason I have or do not talk about this aspect much is because of how shameful it can be. That is to say I do not like the person I become when I have these PTSD Flashbacks at the intensity in which they come. I find it extremely hard to deal with because I see myself as a naturally compassionate person. Given that Violence begets Violence - I often feel very shamed at the end of the bouts that go on in my head. The difference between when I had no support and that being a period where police intervention was required to now with support and now no police intervention required - Yet I must note that the difference in impact that takes place (still does) in my head with the PTSD Flashbacks remains unchanged. This raises the question of why have I not talked as much about this dynamic of suffering.

Long story short - is because as well as being embarrassed about it ... this suffering ranks the highest out of all my conditions. Think of it in terms of the pinnacle after being triggered. I agree and admit I have been skirting this topic. I know well how explosive it can make me feel inside my head and I feel this is where I am feel I was misunderstood by the previous therapist where she chose to use a word in her report with little to no context; that being 'aggressive'. I am not. I have the potential to be, but at heart know I am not and in fact as previously said - 'this knowing' is a huge conflict that brings me much shame when I suffer these bouts of PTSD Flash backs that I feel have been programmed into me where once the process of these traumatic recalls take place - I feel as if I have no control. The best I can do is ride them out and this can take up to three days before it settles down where I fall into bouts of extreme fatigue that can last up to two weeks.
_________________

Overlapping of Diagnoses.

Herein lay the hard task for you. Sprry ... I don't envy this task. The best I can say for sure is that whatever attributed traits of ASD, let's say attachments/detachment and Impulsive issues to name a few - yet those issues just as well spawn against a background of a prejudicial traumatic childhood - Lets just contrast it with rejection. Rather than define which came first ... the chicken or the egg ... I think is more important to relate the characteristics of all proposed findings but moreover how the synergy of the various diagnoses affect/relate to eachtoher and the clients abilities/impairments. Further more or better said, perhaps a view towards where said synergy impacts both ability and impairment/ interactions in day to day living. At the end of the day - the wide array of symptoms and labels is what make this case said to be chronic and complex; or at least I assume. I wish you all the best in further defining what your able.

In Response to the Question of How Long Were You Homeless:

I again feel I have inadequately answered one of your questions somehow doing myself a disservice that typically leads me to staying awake until I have properly answered and or feel I have been heard. The latter entirely my fault.

It was the extreme nature of my time in KINGS CROSS during or about 1986 (I was approx. 16 to 17) that makes answering the homeless question difficult. I saw much suicide of people I had quickly attached to in that time, as well as that time being a confusing period in which I was involved in male prostitution - more shame and rejection ... I remember extreme bouts of personal religiously indoctinated conflicts as well. That aspect messed with my head is all. I was also involved in a lot of crime that involved heavy violence that resulted in murder but not by my hand, although more shame and blame nevertheless. The confusion and conflict kept building and so did the alcohol, drugs and dysfunction. That period was where I ended up having involuntary shakes, sweats, dizziness, erratic, judging, despairing thoughts whilst either myself or my bag being kicked whether I was laying on a train seat or park bench. The long story short here was that the day time exposure to 24/7 of having no roof or privacy over my head also took its toll. So tired from being up all night but not wanting to be seen sleeping in daylight. The constant being on display with people looking down on me was hard to take. I could never find a safe spot and was always on edge to a point where I often had such fits unrelated to alcohol and drug withdrawals. I have had those and know the difference. This is about what sustained fear can do to the body over a sustained period. Another level of PTSD; a gradual build Vs being suddenly traumatized. As you know I have experience them all. The male prostitutions also gives way to my revelations of being involuntary sexually abused. Waking up in strange places with pants down around ankles on full display. I have only told you of one story ... there is more but I really see not point in dragging it all up. What I reveal here is the truth and cost of full vulnerability on city streets as I endured it.

Whilst here again we can talk about defining the overlapping of my diagnosis and my early childhood difficulties/ traits as in our latest session with those Characteristics actually being beneficial (naivety more often than not coming off as endearing with your average addict VS full blown sociopath who at times would even settle to my simpleton way of being.) - I would just note that the contrast to my previous rural/village existence + sensitivities made my city homeless experience quite extreme. I don't want to write a book here but just make a couple of points. Allow me get back on track:

The extreme nature of the above is why I did not factor in the years before and after when I responded saying 6 to 12 months homeless experience. I was simply referring to the deepest chapter of many.

There are many phases to homelessness. Transitional being the main stream yet most often overlooked. Not every homeless person sleeps in the gutter and yet they suffer just as much.

My homelessness started before when I was first put into a children's home. I first become homeless when my sister was the 1st to go after my mum met my now Step-Dad. My brother soon followed. RIP Bro - It was then that I felt homeless. I later asked to be sent away to be with my siblings. Once we were all gone and when I was sent back I was quickly then sent off to churched based foster homes. In this sense my homelessness started when I was 11 to 12 ... before being sent to the 1st children's home when my brother and sister where the first to go and I was left in an alien home. I was not right in the head after that 1st home. I went from home to home there after until I was 15 where I was no longer even welcome to visit the place I used to call my original home. My bedroom became a distant memory which kind of hurt during times I begged to be allowed to come back in. At 15 I began sleeping on the rural roads in-between towns and cities. At this age I went between Brisbane (been leigh - beudesert - fortitude Valley) down as far as Melbourne and then Sydney. I slept in men's shelters, underaged posing as 18 and slept under rural bridges until I was 22 when I met my now wife. We have since been together for 30 years.

In this light I can now answer your question. I was homeless from age 11 until age 22 ... that is a period of 11 years. The degrees of transition in those years were quite extreme. From age 11-12 I saw my siblings taken from me and suffered much indoctrination and negative influences under the charismatic and Pentecostal church ideology. At Age 13 I was beaten, experienced perversion and much abuse at the 1st home where I also saw my siblings abused. From 14 to 15 I was sent to Christian foster homes as well did time in the Australian Outback as a Jackaroo. This was forced upon me instead of allowing me back into the house I once slept so long ago. From 15 to 17 I was extremely venerable on the side of the road and suffered many more hardships I wish not to recount. From 17 I saw many people die and this began a kind of psychoses of sorts that I have never recovered from. This level of trauma I kept living over up until 22 where I met my now wife. (around 21 I did try with my first son's wife - however in the end she rejected me) So there you have it. 11 full years of homeless from age 11 to 22 in the all of the above context.

Thanks for your time ****. Please understand that when I get caught up in answering a question I often forget the bigger picture. Often I may have to email you and this might get worse with age as my ability to focuses is not so able.

Kind Regards
*****

Allow me to continue this story in report like fashion. It's not all pain and suffering as the focus to obtaining and receiving support is after all aimed at healing. All this meandering I do with my online journaling whilst seemingly off the plot at times is for the most part on track with mending what can be mended and or self regulating so I can make better choices. I'm just doing what I did when living on the road/streets - educating myself on how the system works so the road ahead need not be as bumpy as it seems. Choice and Control is one thing, but finding the spark to want support is another. I get that - finding the strength to go on is really hard. Where I find myself on the road is generally defined with how I see. Most of the time It was not so much the hard tarmac or cement that I lay on that plagued my soul but simply the way I found people to be. Perception is everything. Making the effort to move beyond my own limitations and starting to see the same growth in others definitely helps to mend those bridges. As opposed to living in fear and resisting everything. For the most part the supports I receive are very much about mending bridges. My supports have little to do with psychosocial and community integration although the latter is used to market such plans. Of course my background is not your average case (although I would reason there are far more people out there like me) Most people in the community under the influence of main stream conditioning do not understand these things. Sadly it comes back to the same falibility I just alluded to that I see in people that makes the road harder than it need be.

At any rate, I just want to share how far I have come with the support funding I receive and how also the work I myself have put in as well as my mum, step dad and sister. It's good to acknowledge these things. Good for grounding where it counts.

I think I had only saw mum once after my brothers death and I had completely forgot I had even visited. This time I went supported and things went really well. After that visit my mother sent me a polaroid taken of me some time in the 70's. It looks like just a couple of years before the great rift took place in my life. At first I did not understand why mum had sent me this photo? I was really confused. I guess I was more confused due to the conflict I felt when looking at the photo as I really find it hard to connect with what I see when looking at the image. Best I can fathom with the sending of this pic is my mother's way of trying to help me. When visiting I explained why I was now relying heavily on government funded personal supports and also about some of my diagnoses. I think despite all the encouraging language and effort everyone was making, that I was a lot more impaired than previously seen. Yet the blessing in disguise as I see it when under pressure and struggling cognitively, is the lack in energy to resist. Humility comes to mind when struggling like so and it's a bit of a lesson on it's own. I guess I am getting older before my time but the way I see this world I kind of welcome it. I guess my view point is regarding such is to appreciate the finer perspective limitations can bring; seeing how we have been taking life for granted.

https://i.ibb.co/P1rsTG4/Polaroid-Da...omba-Kodak.jpg

I never really gelled well with blaming my parents although like everyone else I did. The truth as I have come to see it, is that what drives people to make bad decisions is the same mistakes we have all made. Some of us just do it more frequently than others is all. Even during the blaming process, I have always loved my family as I am sure is true for many who still blame others for what they feel today. There have been many things about me that had me misunderstood in my youth. This extends to my learning difficulties or fitting in before the great rift divided my family. That facet be more my diagnosis on ASD/ADHD which was ever present before the PTSD. That being something I leave for another post. Yet those recollections help me understand another side of me. In fact I see the whole ASD differently than most although may amount to the same thing - yet in this light perception is everything.

At any rate here is another side of the story that highlights the benefit of my support and progress towards reconciliation which is more the point in which I share this. The way in which I learn to hold my history works towards such things. Growing old and or accepting one's place is not as frightening as our society leads us to beleive. I will miss both my mother and step dad when they are gone. I still love them both very much and pleased to sense the feeling is mutual. They will be gone soon so seeing them when I can is an opportunity I don't want to miss.

You may not see what I see in this - It shows me my mother is making as much an effort as myself and that she too wants things to work. It also shows that the support I receive is benefiting.

Support Review

Name: ************ & ******
Date: 11/04/2021
Participant Name:	****** *******
Support Worker:	****** ******

1. Out of Ten Please rate your experience with ***** & ******* Services. 1 being the worst and 10 being the best.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

*TEN*

1. In a few words could you describe your experience with our support staff

I, ********,***** Mother, immediately felt at ease with ********, as did my husband, ****. *** was always respectful, well mannered & considerate of everyone’s feelings. He was both discreet & diplomatic; he was not officious in any way & understood about the need for any boundaries required (e.g. we are older people who need to rest often.) *** was a pleasure to be around as he has many qualities which made the whole experience not only beneficial to all, but left us feeling as though we’d made a new friend. ***’s patience and kindness will always be appreciated & well remembered. In a nutshell the whole experience was stress free and both **** and I would be happy for a return visit at a time convenient to all. We are now in our late 70’s and would like to see more of **** to enable more reconciliation, as progress was made and genuinely healthy ties between us all were established, including ****’s sister, ****, who was here visiting at the time.

1. 
   Do you feel that your loved one was well supported?

Yes, ***** benefitted immensely from ***’s constant yet quietly unassuming support. He knew how to keep **** calm and well occupied without any hint of control. **** was in a positive frame of mind during most of the visit and made an effort to spend time with myself and ****, together and individually. The atmosphere was not intense, thanks to ***’s intuitive approach and natural ability to be quietly confident in every situation. My daughter’s presence helped a lot too as she is also intuitive to peoples finer feelings and knows when to speak or simply listen. I mention **** as *** was able to put her at ease & give constructive advice regarding her own situation. **** was included in all conversations and his needs were taken into account at all times without any molly coddling. *** is obviously well suited to being a mediator and friend to his clients while maintaining a respectful distance when the need arises. ***’s sense of humour was another thing that helped put ***** and the rest of us at ease. Since *** and ****’s visit **** and I have been able to talk for short periods over the phone without any feelings of trepidation or conflict. **** seems to have greatly benefitted from our family visit with *** and so have my husband and I, also****’s sister, ****. The first thing they all did was to visit the grave of my youngest son, ******, at the local cemetery. I stayed at home although *** offered to include me.

1. 
   Would you use ****** and ***** services again?

Yes, we definitely will if given the opportunity.

1. 
   Is there anything that you would like to let us know that may help improve our service in the future?

Please try to train and employ more people like *** who obviously have the client’s best interests at heart and who see their work as a vocation rather than a job.

Thank you for taking our service review.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ______________

This completes another episode of what's going on in my life. I am thankful that most in my family are not neurotypical. Like I said, perception is everything. I'm still all about not seeing as others see. At least not in terms of the general population. That said, I am just as prone to being human. There is no escaping that. Not unless I choose to believe I am an alien?

Here's to next post.

Yet as much I can acknowledge the benefits to be had, it is enough to make up for such an imperfect system? The buffering system in it and those who's role it is to administer are quick to box people within it.

What's next? Life is still very much a struggle. Lot's more accounting I am required to do for my upcoming review. In terms of the process is it worth it? Yes and No to be sure. But mostly yes. What does this mean for others not on it? Just another reminder of inequality. What are people desperate enough to become in order to fit the bill? In this respect the no can quickly outgrow the yes. At least when you become aware of how the system works.
_________________________

Enough mental masturbation. Hopefully this review period will be other in a couple of weeks.

Something of interest to mix things up:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6HN9l3c3AM

Good Evening. Today a few of us went outside to see what all the fuss was about with 2 Rainbow Lorikeets darting back and forth in one of the bottle brush trees. It was the unusual chirping we heard that got our attention as it's been a while since we have heard birds chirping as much as they did. I manage to grab my camera and video one of the hunger birds before my batter went flat. I was surprised to see my grandson become still whilst taking the clip. Although he was exclaiming to all present that if the bird did not quit eating he would become as fat as pop.

Might take a bit to load. By the time you read to the end this will have loaded.

https://i.ibb.co/dMYS8DQ/Hungry-Bird.gif
___________________
_

I had a bit of a lazy day today. Although I nearly messed up my windows install after online adobe got a hold of one of my older programs and rendered my registry with a lock on a few exe's. After rolling my system back I ended up all the better for it as I worked out a few work around's on programs I thought had become useless. Now I can get all creative again without having to pay ridiculous monthly fees.

Think I will go relax with a few meditation tunes. Here I link the photo I pulled from the camera and go make a hot milo:

https://i.ibb.co/yqBtQKK/Rainbow-Lorikeet.jpg

I think those short gif clips might be a new thing for future journal entry's. Yawns ... ZZZzzz Tomorrow is yet another day where I say DAY ONE again. Chuckles to self how much I have been struggling on that front. Best I went last time I tried was 14 days of no salt, sugar, caffeine and yadda yadda. My grandson it right - I am so FAT but more so feeling it with no energy and also that suffocating feeling one gets when full well knowing how it is that the body breathes if not so clogged up with all the fake foods. I won't go on anymore than that except to say I'll simply try again with tomorrow being my 'next' attempt.

I'm going to put my bike gears fixed up in the ship this week. Both bikes. My Road and Commuter. I see my therapist who will be finishing of his report for all the review stuff I have previously mentioned. The actually review is in about 3 weeks time. My coordinator went out on her own and in that time I had to pick up the slack and coordinate all the supports. Not something I am used to, but I've given it a fair go.

Hopefully I can get back on my bike this week and take the camera out and make a few Clips like the one above with a few worthy snaps.

Think I will call it a night - this ambiance I am listening too is really starting to sink in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oY3v0jAWr4

Goodnight. ZZZzzz

Good News for SpaceX. Another 3 Billion in the bag:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m_Gu4ZGXRs

"I got the history to play along - yet one still needs to educate themselves with the rules of the game lest one really be consumed."

Still struggling with sleep during this period combined with intensive thoughts that deal with insecurity and venture into rages. That is the short and sweet of it.

My only note worthy point on top of that is just how much I struggle with balance in general. Not talking about general instability in terms of Manic behavior although can be a problem to be sure - but more so the consequences of an unbalanced life in general health and well being. It starts with broken sleep, involuntary thought, bad eating habits, sunlight deprivation, bad hygiene and so on. These being symptoms as experience within the episodic nature of mental illness. The impact of neurological imbalance on the psyche.

To be sure I understand and it's often acknowledge (which does me little good) that these review processes do my head in. The process itself is no different to banging my head on a wall which begs the question why even ask for help? The current systems in place as they be ... with the emphasis on warranting/filtering ... require you during the process to present your worst day of suffering. Is it any wonder that I struggle with balance?

Sigh ... It's complex and not as black and white as that ... yet it is.
____________________________

There is a constant strain on the neurological processes within my body as I account during these review periods that plague my mental health just as much as my historical past. It kind of begs the question .. which is worse. I guess it really does come down to beggars and choosers. Now that's challenging for all involved. Laughs out loud.

Sigh. Is all good. I'll get through it. You have to fight hard in this world with the way it be. I don't like it one bit and seems to go against what feels like my inner being - BUT - well ... instead of fight ... let's just call it trudging along. Yep sir re - Is all in the language. You have to study and learn to change it according to who's in power or calling the shots. In that respect we are all pawn and play along. If you fight that - then you will most certainly become non other than sheep irrespective to one's level of mental stability.

"I forget about that game for now. I'm actually doing better than most as I identify and play guinea pig and get caught up in that 'role'

FACT: The world is pretty much gone to shit in a hand basket but what's more fascinating is just how quickly it continues on it's current trajectory. I think everyone known that whether they want to be in it or not. Hence the focus on self, the pretense on caring and overall demonizing going on.

Jesus ... what a positive morning I am having.

My Bad. Better out than in I have been told. So be it.

Just thoughts going trough my mind. Not into right and wrong ... just doing my best to make sense as I best understand it. I got the history to play along - yet one still needs to educate themselves with the rules of the game lest one really be consumed. I'm just struggling with the first couple of lines of this post if I am to ground myself about now and not get to lost in said hand basket.

I said it before. It was not the tarmac or concrete I lay on that sapped my soul, but what I saw in people looking on. In that regard whilst the world is slipping down a slide, that has not changed at all. If anything it's just another catalyst of what is to come.

Today I was able to collect another 3 reports that were as inclusive as the other. It's important to ensure a good rapport with all those included in the support team. This is generally not achieved in the overwhelmed sector and when I sense it like so, that is when I no longer participate. To do so is flogging a dead horse and playing a role that only feeds the conveyor belt. That said if I did not put the effort as I've been, then I would be as much a victim to said wheel.

Yes I did question my rut in the wake of it all in my last post and to me those thoughts still count. Alas, today was the culmination of a lot of work. In that I am pleased. I have no questions about the detail and clarity of my upcoming review.

I have celebrated tonight by actually cooking myself a decent meal. lol Steamed salmon and Silverbeet, mash potato with sautéed onion and mushrooms. Hopefully my indigestion can cope with it. I've suffered badly this last week with indigestion.

Smells like it is ready.

Tomorrow I have to weave all those reports together with a bunch of attachments and send off to the new coordinator. Thankfully is the same person as before as you can't beat a good rapport. She left due to constraints in an overwhelmed rigid system. Moving on in those conditions is a sign of qualtiy worker.

Here's to tomorrow and hopefully some sleep tonight. Most of the hard work was finalized today.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I woke up this morning very aware of just how calcified my brain is becoming. I understand just how dramatic that claim is. However given just how heavy and condensed my brain feels with each passing day I know I have to give that realization some quality attention. So instead of logging into my daily grind and running the game loops that are as just as much hustle and bustle to be found in the world's most densely populated city; I changed direction and happened on the following two clips below. Depending on where one is at on the conveyor belt will most likely determine if the message can be heard. At least I know that is how it works for me. I'll just link them anyway then touch on how those insights relate to me:

Seventeen Minutes - The clip bellow this one explains why 17 minutes may be too much for most today -
Whilst this one explains how it is that we are hooked.

https://i.ibb.co/LPWv4KH/Honor-your-nature.jpg


UNDER Seven Minutes - Very easy to follow and hits a home run for me.

https://i.ibb.co/MCHw3yf/Danger-of-Productivity.jpg

What came to my mind when listening.

Want's Desire's & Greed:
My own life although a byproduct of the culture being outlined in the latter of the two vids (as I linked them) is still very much attached to the same rigmarole of those seeking financial security, status and fame. Even as a rubber stamped noncontributor my life is full of the same conditioning in order to receive. We live in a world full of warranting no matter where on the ladder we find ourselves to be. If your found not to be climbing, then your made to feel as Mr or Mrs/Miss nobody. The resulting sense of fear is what drives us all to desire and greed. Not achieving spawns depression that cycles through frustration, anger and back to depression. This is how the grind goes looping from doing to doing without really achieving anything.

Even our video games reflect as much. It really is rather sad that I can't even find a game that offers the scope for freedom. In 99.9 percent I only see the same conditioning take place in the digital world as I do out my front door. What's the answer I ponder? It has to be in the way we approach. In fact I know this key point really opens doors. I'm just so damn prone to getting sucked back into the grind where all my inner being ... is being constantly drained.

Having identified a cause and effect in the above - my mind begins to loop on just how it is the world is designed and why that be. Yet if I take the time to ponder I can see beyond the conditioning and even the tin foil hats into a void that instills the peace that come from being a Mr or Mrs/Miss nobody.

I think I leave this one at that. Maybe more on that 'approach' in my next attempt to reflect on how we can jump the hoops more easily, doing what we feel we should be doing so that we can actually enjoy the games we play and do the things we love without fear of what others think.

aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... Takes a huge breath. I just lost my morning post. Have to go now as well. Last night I had an unsettling event. The title was - Fear, Acceptance & A Visitor in My Sleep. My ear buds actually crackled during the experience and involved paralysis.

Another deep breath. I will attempt to write about it later.

Have a good morning/evening

I pretty much lost the essence of that sleep paralysis event. I don’t attach myself to those events anywhere near as much as I used to. Fascinating for those just starting out in life or those who just don’t know. Memory is such a bane to the human species as defined by many cults and spiritualists. It’s a non-issue for those conditioned outside those realms. They are said be asleep. Mainstreamers who’ve had no such experiences apparently more disadvantaged and that being why siad types are more easily drafted like sheep. Alas, in prison terms we are all in the same basket. It’s just that the programs used to hold the integrity of our cell differ depending on one’s level of awareness. Altered perceptions equals altered programs so that the bars are always present; no matter how green the grass be. What does it all mean?

Perhaps the vulnerability of the human Psyche is as fragile as the human body? Especially when one is tired and feeling week? Key programs feeding those full of energy and feeling invincible who in their own being feed programs that ensure none of us ever have a key? People who worship yet think they are their own God? A world full of beings that worship themselves?

Our minds conjure up all kinds words and alter their meanings with whatever metaphors, half-baked concepts and ideals just to lead ourselves into deluded pathways of blissful states. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/fa...y-emoticon.gif

__________________________________________________ __________
___________________
______
_

In order to take a break from my own cell I have created an outdoor sitting area. I still have some plants I’ll like to throw into the mix … but thus far this is what I have come up with:

https://i.ibb.co/9N9GVby/Outdoor-Sitting-Area.jpg

Not a bad looking prison cell?

Oh Look! I found a key ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/by...y-emoticon.gif

Is hard to think at this point as tackling the challenge to eating healthy once again. It's akin to giving up nicotine which I was dependent upon for up to thirty-eight years. Thankfully I've been off that hook for the last fourteen. One of many drugs we use from the nightshade family. Truth is I am still using other forms just as damaging. Why we are permitted to abuse ourselves so openly I don't know. When it comes to chemical dependencies we humans are so easily controlled. I'm pretty sure it's to do with that fact that anything goes within the bounds of societal law and that the policing of those things outside of it being what feeds our delusion. The altering of perceptions within those boundaries are primarily done using chemical dependencies yet it is the giving of a choice that plays the larger role to ensuring citizens believe they are the ones doing the sailing. Many fly flags to instill the programing that fosters pride and belonging. Mob Mentality or Proud Filled Worshipers it all amounts to the same Murmuring. Whether they be flags for country or sport that too points to the same thing; sovereignty. Yet another delusion that sells very well in cultish religions yet sits at the pinnacle of secular/mass control.

I think it was back on the previous page that I said "perception is everything." In my previous post I said "Altered perceptions equals altered programs." The term the Tinfoil Hat community uses is 'Perception Management' yet they are seemingly just as prone to the same mechanics within their disclosures. None of this is as black and white as let's say ... hmmm ... a News Paper or Social Media. Which kind of brings me to an entirely new point that is woven into the drug dependency. That is how invested emotion is as every bit predisposed to addictive behaviours and thus control.

How not become divided within myself and fall prone to the separatist mentality? So bound up we become living within said system. All this co-creation (if you will) is as deceived by the same structures it attempts to escape. Everything sold off with morality that quickly forgets the reality beneath their feet; the rock on which they live. To be sure if you buy the concept of all being one, there is no amount of singular improvement that will see blossoming take place whilst so many outside their boundaries/comfort zones suffer as plainly as they do. It matters not what flag, religion or sovereign speech one wraps themselves within. Moreover, I see those dynamics as the cancer to my existence.

It’s been festering for quite a while – yet I must admit I enjoy writing about such things. I guess that my way I myself self-sooth not unlike so many projecting their hearts flapping on poles, handing over their souls and painting pictures of wizards. A world that thrives on worshiping selves where anything that dares to question is quickly certified a demon. Duality? Said to be a delusion itself.

Here’s to healthy eating but not sure I really want to be living in said world. How to create my own without being prone to said BS esoteric weavings? How not to be one with one fucked up world?

Super tired and massive migraines. It's working! See you on my morning. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz More detoxing to go.

Woke up at 2am - lay down until 4am. Feeling stiff and sore. Another day to endure but doing so with the intent to make it a win re less poison. Had a good day connecting with the little guy yesterday and will make that another part of today's focus. Still very tired but is all part of the detox process. I really hope this time I can work on regulating emotion when it comes to that time where I just typically given in.

The title about sums up where I am at. Not buying into the array of transcendence philosophies so chose my words carefully with that. Unfortanley words having limited and varying meanings makes the term spiritual a little vague for me. Defining that is a little ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzing. The rest of of hits a home run for me. Not belonging kind of sucks but is still OK. Having said that, be sure not to get taken advantage of with so many concepts offering up whatever solutions. Just be sure to come up with your own and ride with that as best you can. Glean glean and glean - but question those fuzzy feelings as they sway to the background music.

Here's to making today another win ...

ZZZZZzzzzzz as long as I am not taking in poison, I can eventually move onto the next phase of whatever.

... a less painful ending with hopefully no new beginnings. lol genuinely chuckles.

Breathes.

Pretty much doing it hour by hour but tomorrow will start seeing days roll by. Migraines and tiredness continue.

Here's to a more positive outlook tomorrow morning.

In the meantime ... this is about where I am at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR5n2H6Jehg

Goodnight http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sl...miley-face.gif

When you really get right down to it, you begin to see whether thin or fat, disciplined or not, how we are all nothing but pigs. If it's not consuming food, then it's each other in every conceivable way. Now I don't know what to make of Alan Watts. I have posted him more than a few times since being here. I've read of others not liking him much. I pondered their reasoning and have since kept my own reservations. I can see how the man is perceived as gloomy. Yet I find something appealing within his delivery.

Right now I am dealing with the 'duplicity' of my extremes. (A word that stuck out in his video) Hence my title. I came across a rather challenging but very insightful lecture (segment) of his which I will share below. I found it quite helpful. I've heard it before but like many others like him there always seems to be something new the more you listen.

For me - what others call deprivation seems to be my only way. I am a guy of extremes and given my background that makes perfect sense. I've been down the path of paranoia and many bouts of necrotic behavior. It's just one of many predispositions that can raise it's head at a moments notice. I understood this point quite well and can see how challenging it is when he makes such claims. The context or point of view in which he highlights this and that, is a spin that might require a few bouts of listening and or self reflection as one tunes in. Even when I attempt to listen like so, I often come up with a slightly different scenario but still pretty much an antidote thinking that without having made the effort to try his approach I probably would of miss the mark. So it is that this talk resonated well enough for me.

It takes that "God damn selfish *&^%ing world!' attitude and helps me see the devil within. Reminds me of a couple of other posts I made some time ago 'Befriending Self' and something about 'making friends with the demon within.'

Re Watts on thinking about death? I find when I can do it right - I find it's absolutely peaceful. Hence I see it a little differently than that act being the fertilizer to life. I guess the peace find when successfully tapping into nonexistence can help with regard to watt's claim of creativity is that it helps to alleviate pain and thus that in itself helps to recharge me in the same way finding quality head space might. Point is I often see things a little differently yet find solace in a lot of what this guy has to say.

WHERE AM I AT NOW? I'm saying NO! to my so called Devil as I am sick of playing both roles; Saint & Devil. The consequences of saying YES to all my desires as predisposed to addiction had seen me on the brink of self destruction. The pure hatred that wells within is a demonic as it can get and the pious would be amounts to the same thing. Now I am not sure I really see much of an answer in becoming a Monk - Yet at the same time I do in some peculiar way. On the surface I think it's easy to see the same fallibility within most of todays Monk Marketing which now encompasses the globe. Arm chair wannabes from the comfort of our screens sapping up all that projected contrasting of love and pain. Not saying the essence of Buddhism has nothing to offer. In fact Alan Watts draws a lot of his insights from his own experiences having done time with said establishment/s. He just seemingly enjoys contrasting the BS between all the points of views and lived his life in his own way to make it through. All the best to him and hopefully he is now at a point of non-existence. I really don't know - yet like I say ... for me such a thought goes beyond being fertilizer to life ... but more the point of embracing death.

There are so many ways to come up with one's own direction - I really have no idea. As much as I embrace caring less for society - right now I am all about depriving both my would be saint self/s and my demon/s. The result is just breathing. But more so less complications. The MONKey way might seem boring - but less really is more. Not sure what taking in a little of Alan will do to my creativity - but right now ... I got a many more days of self-deprivation to get through. I ponder to think how such a term as 'self-deprivation' is often demonized yet know for a guy of extremes like me ... it's only ever been the way I can breathe freely.

I'm said to have no filters - thus I know not how to act in this world other than what I have been taught. I have to admit I despise the curriculum and on that front have never ever fitted in. To fit in is to pretend. I've never really been good at that, yet I have succumb in other ways. Working on it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOTY9BVVZik

https://i.ibb.co/d51gyt2/giphy.gif

Couple of things come to mind here. Emotional control & Sustainability Vs Methodologies.

The term Vs (Verses) implies a struggle of some kind and whilst I do not like contention, reality in all it's forms does seem to require some level of persistence. Yet resistance is spiritual terms is often encompassed as something that holds us back. Context here being how we choose to focus determines the shape that our words often take in our life. Moreover how words fail us so many times and why.

Example - Key point to struggling less is to take the path of least resistance. Yet persistence is required in order to break unhealthy habits.

I look at above Gif and think that although I am not using medication, I to use a LOT of other things in my life to alter my emotions. This writeup is not an anti medication rant but more an example of habitual behaviors with that gif being the best example I could find OR one I found and decided to write what comes to mind: Emotional control & Sustainability Vs Methodologies

The looping I often become entangled with is words and terms. The conflict here being the path of least resistance is indeed often found in a pill yet that direction for many results in all kinds of complications that lead to even more paths of least resistance. Now instead of taking one path we end up with 'more' which kind of goes against the philosophy of least resistance. Less is more. So it is that twits, memes and so on do little for me. Reflection takes time just as the digestion process after eating a meal does too.

The culture we live greatly effects our ability no matter what method we choose to change our reality. I've lost sight for some time now. If I am to attempt to be compassionate towards others I need to spend more time thinking on this. I think that thought just popped out because I have been struggling to find compassion for myself + also starting to remember how ... well thinking positively (definitely for lack of a better word) really does help to up ones vitality and bring color back to an otherwise dreary world.

The whole conflict with positivity is because of how it is sold but I try more on that later. In a rush yet again this morning but I will make time. It is enough to of made a note and nestled my thoughts as they came. As long as I can let them go and get on with what I would like to do in order to accomplish what I feel I must in the new found quest to ... be more positive.

Have a good day/evening.

Quite literally ... we live in the Age of Masturbation. I mean with young women today in their work shops working hard on the lathes turning out instruments striving all day to bring nature where it truly belongs. What better way to get in touch with oneself!

Visit her page here and support her if you so wish - Peer validation is important these days.

Just when you thought the New Age Community was dead.
https://i.ibb.co/kVTmMMD/Happy-Mastu...-I-love-Me.jpg

No splinters here!!!
https://i.ibb.co/G7rrsSM/lathe.jpg

To be sure we all do it! Of course there are some don't. Shame on them! Imagine how thrilled generations of the past would be to see how far society has come. Just like all our vices I mean not to deaminize them but simply make a point; societal values. I could not help but laugh at the irony as it be to me whilst in my phase of self-deprivation that I found this whilst searching on Marketing Behaviors. Fact is, it's not hard to start searching for a bouquet of flowers and end up being enlightened with such an advert as shared here.

The other side of the coin is the term Mental Masturbation that my good friend 'I-Am-Suffering-' (former forum member) brought to my attention a few years ago. That term has stuck for good reason. I'm a good practitioner of it. Which probably means I'm good at both forms.

So there you there have it. Today's vices on the table for all to see. May as well embrace it hey?
______________________________________

WTFever. Just saying is all. aha aha. Let's just say balance is key?

I guess my wrist must be getting sore and my mind desensitized to all the thrashing. Not enough gentle stroking?

Chuckles. Still Detoxing. No doubt.

That concludes this morning's post.

Your thread and pictures and honesty have made me so happy this morning - I'm so glad to see you and your family outside enjoying life. You're doing so much better than I, but I'm going to dust myself off and try again as the weather is really getting nice here and I just don't want to miss out.

I hope you have a great day.

~Sal

I enjoy reading this. Those photos actually look great.

Hi Guys. Great to see you again Sal. Who was I kidding. hehe. Thankfully Camille has also been keeping this forum breathing. Thanks Camille.

I've had a really tough weeks guys. Had to take some down time with some enjoyable OCD and a new computer game. Farming Simulator 2019. I used to post screenshots some time ago when playing the 2017 version.

I read up a little on some of your posts Sal - Srry things have been a struggle. Dealing with people sure is tough. I hope both you guys have an improved upcoming weak regardless of whatever.

WELL - The latest News!
The seven years of waiting for a finally hearing to decide where are grandson is going to end up is very much upon us. It's going to be a stress time this next month. Lot's of support I need to give my wife and many talks to polish off an affidavit here and there + collect and request more reports Yadda Yadda. We have been fighting for this the whole seven years. It escalated once the father beat the little guy once he was 16 months. I about had an aneurism thinking on that one. Sigh -

Anyways - despite the uncertainly principle (No judo there hehe - injoke :) ) Our little guy is top of his class with reading and numbers. Socially he is defiantly special/ed. It's sad how that has to come into it. I think it's the so called normal ones that need to work on that front. Hyper Me Me Me or self self self syndrome for those that like to pick on those that don't fit. Rar Rar and Rarrr. Yawns ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

All good. Pretty much got all the bases covered. Just have to make those who are overpaid do their job properly. Like most things in life.

Yadda Yadda.

I'll check back now that I know your around and also would like to continue to give Camille some picture or Gifs to see. :)

Be well friends. Please don't mind my sarcasm of late. I try to do my best now more than ever with this approaching court date.

Elon pulled it off! The world might be going to shit, but this was worth watching.

Below link shows it better.

Edit Timestamp of another coverage ... Just coming into land and then coverage of the fire that takes place upon landing.

From a distance for another perspective.

Time stamp of Starship coming out of the clouds. Love how the crowed goes quiet once they realise it's on fire. This was a much better landing out of the last 4 which blew up. Fire at the end was put out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swexWob7UHE

Very very tired. I will upload a little video of how my plant collection is coming along. I bought some more bamboo that I have since moved up against my fence. I'll do another video of that later on. I spent a little extra to get some taller ones this time. All in all my little out door green room is coming along nice. Still a ways to go as I plant to make a a jungle of sorts.

Today we got some damning evidence regarding our little one's father. It's good we have some more ammunition against the guy, but quite sad that even if we get to keep the little guy, that we don't even want to send him for visits given this new evidence regarding just what a child abuser and control freak this father is. The info comes from one of his teenage daughters that was and is abused as well as her mother. Thankfully they seem will to take the stand. My wife has been spear heading a tactical plan with all his past victims which apparently is quite a few women and children. Reminds me of the nightmare home I was in, except it's all happening again with the potential for my grandson to suffer if we don't take a solid stance. He swears and beats his kids telling them to suck it up and not to be princesses. Sigh. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz We'll make him eat those words now! Seems the teenage kid is getting some kind of therapy out of writing what she has. I feel for her very much after hearing my wife read what she wrote. I am seriously getting too old for this shit and have not yet hit 55. Seems more and more grandparents are having to deal with this kind of thing with more and more would be parents giving themselves over to the selfie generational / conditioning side affect - which include those well into their 50s as well ... which are as much about themselves as any bristling teenager. You see I'm not meaning to pick or single out any category re the age factor as that just feeds the fucking cycle of this sheepish world and their brainwashing ideals. Never pick sides as doing so is destined to fail. Give the game up I say. No longer play it on any level. Us and Them ... all that talk is BS. Where all in it together or not at all. Yadda yadda. Anyone that is not into demeaning others or blaming everyone else in life but just looking to let whatever and whoever be is all AOK with me no matter what age or creed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fuck I am tired.

Fact is that once the court case is finally finished, life and all it's associated BS will never end until we take out last breath. For now - I keep focusing on my plants and then a little more on my upcoming affidavit and do what I can to make this child abuser answerable for his antics. At least choose my words carefully and make them count.

How's that download going?

There we go: Sadly the original bamboo is not doing so well. It'll live but needs more food by the looks of things. I think I shocked it moving it from where it was. See what happens and learn from my mistakes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C6bYRT7dAQ

Good night. ZZZZZzzzzzzz

Sleep well my friend, sometimes Its the best medicine. I just dragged myself out of bed actually. I'll write more later but I see you're online and wanted you to know I read everything you wrote and love the bambo :)

So its almost 6PM - I got out today and it was nice to get sunlight on this ghostly body, but lets face it, people just suck! Atmosphere never disappoints us and would love to have your garden. I have 1 plant that I haven't murdered yet as I don't have a green thumb.

I would've come back here sooner but I assumed AF was history and was shocked when I typed it in and the forum came up ... like, wow. Great to know we are still going here.

I've pretty much just come back to support you and others - I'm soo sick of me Lol.

I wish you and your family strength over the coming weeks/months to deal with the system.