false accusations, shame and frustration

why oh why do I keep falsely accusing myself of things. I keep accusing myself of thinking horrible things that I would never think, and even though I know I would never have that opinion, MY BRAIN WON'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ABOUT IT. Why can't I just stop. Hell, even for a day I'd like to be a creature without sentience, such as a cat, just to get a get a little peace and quiet from myself. Also, I can never stop the anxiety about past mistakes. Yes, I've made mistakes, some of them unpleasant, but I'm only fucking human, I can't help it. I don't have control over every single little thing. Deep down, there is still an ape of pure instinct, and sometimes, it takes control and causes you to do things you wouldn't otherwise do. Goddamn I hate anxiety. I sometimes find myself wishing for a meteor or a stray bullet to collide with my head and end it all, because this anxiety is such a fucking pain in the goddamn arse. When will it stop, when will it leave me alone, why is constantly bothering me at the moment. I'm so anxious that I've entered a state in which I can't even tell things to my mother, the person I trust the most on the face of the earth. I'm constantly fretting over pointless things, constantly ashamed of myself, and constantly accusing myself of things which I never said or thought. Christ, what's the point of going on like this. Why shouldn't I just find a tall building and throw myself off it.

okami - you aren't alone on this one! i feel the same way. it is constan! i fully understand what you are going through, and where you are at right now!
these are all just negative thoughts feeding each other - which has led you to the point you're at now.
just remember though - these are the negative thoughts - NOT YOU!
you aren't always in this heightened state of emotion. you have just led yourself down this path by feeding the negative thoughts - i do it all the time! it's a nightmare, i know!
you will get through this though. you just need to ride it out.
every negative thought you get, just leave it there - don't acknowledge it. like, if you think of something in your past that bothered you, don't even think "it's in the past - there is no reason for it to bother me right now" ...even that is feeding your anxiety.
jessed has told me quite a few tmes to just let the thoughts be there. watch them, don't respond to them in any way! just leave them be.
distract yourself in whatever way you can! play an online game, do some housework, put your music on and just try and forget about everything. even for 5 minutes just to let yourself cool down and have some head space!

Oh no honey...I'm new here...just joined about 5 minutes ago. don't be so hard on yourself, please just take a breathe. my father died when i just turned 10, he was 34 years old, so i have been living with crap all my life but didn't know it until last july when my husband got sick. i'm still dealing with things that i am trying really hard to control like my thoughts, my muscle control, wanting sweets all of a sudden, making time with my friends (that i pushed away)...take one hour at a time. the hardest thing i had to do was get my thoughts under control and one of my biggest problems was the internet...very misleading place!