Trust my Self

Hello im 21 and have had anxiety issues ever since I was 9 or so. I had a panic attack one day when I was 18 that messed me up for months because it was my first (that I new of) and I had never felt my heart jump that badly without working out. What came of that was amazing, It was horrible just laying in my bed for weeks worried about anything triggering it again. I hated being by my self because of all the thoughts in my head of insecurity. But out of that came the best time of my life, I never wanted to be alone so I left when out side and lived like I had never before. I went to church, to the gym, and to college all by my self. The only thing wrong that I did was ignore the fact that I had anxiety issues that needed to be resolved but I was having so much fun I just ignored it.

Well that back fired in a big way. One day I had a test for my fitness class and I was last so I saw every body go before me and I wanted to not be the weakest in the class (and I wasn't). I did the work out and beat out the strongest person in the class at lest 70 ponds on me but after I just couldn't calm my self down I tried laying down walking but my heart wouldn't slow down or better my nerves wouldn't come down anyway that's how my second big panic attack happened right in college 2 hours away from home.

Its been almost a year since then. I have learn to calm my self down to know what triggers it and to not ignore this but to deal with it.

Their is still something holding me back do. I don't trust my self. I don't trust my self enough to go back to the gym, church and college by my self. Unless somebody drives me I don't consider taking the bus (I don't have a car) because that voice in my head keeps telling me what if it happens again: who is going to help you, you cant do it your self with out a safety line. I hate this way of life when ever I think about how much fun it was to actually go out and live going to downtown, the park, sports games, and different places I actually cant hold back the tears its that painful to go from FREE to trapped.

So I was wondering if their is any body that has anything that I could look into or do to just to let this fear go and get my confident back. Anything would be helpful I need to get my life back on track.

PS. I have gone to a therapists for 5 sessions and I was prescribe medicine but I never wanted to depend on it.

Sounds like you're pretty scared of the voice, as well as the panic attacks :)

It sounds like that voice has a tremendous amount of power, given to it.

It's a voice. A spontaneous thought. It's meant to be a tool, yet it's playing leader.

I'll tell you how to make it go away: Don't listen to it.

I don't mean ignore it, or tell it to shut up. Just don't listen.

Why do you need to? The part that protects you in life, isn't this voice, it's the subconscious part of your brain.

Your mind is always looking for a way to hold you hostage. Always looking for a way to get power over you. It will always try to frighten you with something, to scare you with something, to trick you into believing it. The mind has been given so much power, for so long. It believes it's in complete control. And it is, whilst you listen to it.

Whenever that voice says something, whenever it tells you theres a catastrophe, or whenever it critisizes you, or tells you something will go wrong: Just reply 'Yep, maybe'

Life will be fantastic it says: 'Maybe'

Life will be a misery it says: 'Maybe'

Your like a mother to an inquisitve kid. It won't stop asking questions because you keep answering. If you say 'I don't know'. The kid begins to stop.

But the way things are now, whatever it is saying, you are believing into life. And once you believe it, you need to look for answers. You need to go on a journey. What a huge waste of time!

When you get on the bus. Let whatever is there, be there. Make a commitment, to sit on the bus, and allow everything to pass through. Because it does. Adrenaline shots really don't last long at all. Maybe a few minutes it feels pretty uncomfortable. But we hold onto them, we attach meaning. When it comes, we hate it, and we fight it. So another one is pumped. Then the voice comes; 'It'll all go wrong', 'This is a disatser'... Now another is pumped! You've had 3 in the space of a few minutes. Now you feel horrible. You feel like a failure because you couldn't control it. You feel terrible fear because you feel it will keep happening, that this awful feeling that you couldn't control will continue ... Because of that you now think you're ill, or broken as a person. As you keep thinking this throughout the day, more shots are being pumped, and the worse you feel.

The first one would have just passed through you, given time, if you just let it through. Maybe it would have taken a few seconds, maybe longer, maybe a few minutes. Anxiety isn't designed to stay. It's designed to perk your attention in fear of an enemy. Then you must decide if you need more. And we always, without knowing, scream Yes! the enemy is ourselves now. We are ready for battle against ourself. It's awful.

You don't have to do it all in a day. You could even take a short bus ride, during a quiet time. You could take your cell phone. Just practice allowing what is there, to pass. Don't search for meaning in it, because there is none. When we get a feeling or sensation, we automatically want to know what it means. You see people on here all the time. The want to know what something means. They have a sensation and believe their anxiety is back. It was just an adrenaline shoot, maybe a random one, maybe due to a little stress. It has passed, yet they are holding onto it for weeks. "What did it mean?" they ask. "Is my anxiety back?"... Well it is back. But not because of the adrenaline shot. Because the adrenaline shot has long passed, but they are searching for it's meaning. And there usually isn't one, so they create it. "My anxiety is back" they say. "I can't believe it!"... Now the adrenaline will keep on shooting.Now anxiety is back, because the fear of regressing, has created anxiety.

It would have flown through, if left alone. :)

Anxiety is never given. Only taken.

Whenever a feeling of worry comes, don't fight it. Just don't place it on a pedestal. That voice in your head just wants to keep busy. People never tell you this, but you aren't obligated to listen. You aren't obligated to believe what it says.

See 90% of the time, we aren't even afraid of the event. We're afraid of the emotion the event will cause us to feel. When we realize all emotions will pass if we don't hold on to them, they aren't as scary. They will all pass. I promise. If you just leave them alone to. When they are there, the worse thing you can do is try to find meaning in them. "This heart beat means anxiety is coming back!"... No. It just means there is adrenaline. Just adrenaline. If you want to perceive that as anxiety, then you can. But if you aren't nervous about adrenaline release, then it isn't really anxiety is it. It's just a state of temporary alertness.

Once the body realizes you aren't holding anxiety, it realizes you just don't need it. So it starts to stop over time. But we never give it that chance. Every adrenaline boost we attach a meaning to. 'It means my heart is failing', 'It means I won't be able to do this'... It won't go while it has that much attention. The mind won't drop something it believes it needs an answer to.

Don't expect to do it all in a day. This isn't a magic trick :) Your whole life, you've been trying to block things out, and grab things. We all have, I have. But this barrier is what anxiety gets caught on. When we build the barrier to keep it out, it just causes it to get stuck.
Then for years we look to heal for it. Just take the wall down. Knock it down, and it will flow away. When there is nothing for it now to hold onto, it cannot stick. It's only whilst we had the barrier up, demanding things keep out, that anxiety was getting stuck.

We believe we need the wall. That the wall is helping us. That by forcing things, and demanding things, we're helping. But we're not. When we tense up, we become tight and constricted. Things can't flow through when something is tense and constricted.

I think you know this though. I think everybody does. This is nothing deep or new. We all know this. You even said: How can I let go of fear?

Just stop holding it

As a mad sufferer of Social Anxiety, and agrophobia, this made a massive difference to my life. And it's so easy... It makes so much sense, yet we've never actually considered it before. But I lived a different way, and like you was in bed for weeks, feeling so bad I wanted to kill myself. So depressed at the state of my life. It took me a long time, to realize I could actually live a different way. Just try it in your life. Whatever happens, whatever you feel; don't worry about it. Don't try to stop it. Just be aware that given time, it will pass. Come back in 3 months, and tell me living like this hasn't taken a 50tonne weight off your shoulders...

Be well :)