Anxiety, anger and stuckness........

I am consumed with anger, I feel I've lost my identity, my direction, I'm widowed (11 years ago) and I realise I suffer with codependency, I lose myself in other people or attach myself to them.

I am currently living with my parents and here are two problems, it's very, very isolated in a beautiful village (but no community and I have to drive a long way to get to anywhere) and my parents are both very academic, clever people, but...we don't share anything, it doesn't feel like my home, I'm pretty sure my Mum has Aspergers (so it's difficult for her to create a close bond) and my Dad, as much as I love him is cold emotionally.

I'm confused, angry, craving warmth and comfort and don't know how to handle my anger. Lots of people are giving me different advice and I feel quite disconnected inside. I'm not sleeping and having a lot of disturbed thoughts and now I have a huge problem committing to anything. My life feels chaotic and there are so many things I don't know how to do. At home, my folks are very set in their ways, which is fine, but I'm not included in anything and feel very ill-equipped to have a big change, like moving. I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Adjustment Disorder a while ago. I had 6 months of Cognitive Analytical Therapy with a wonderful psychologist who helped me to see that my parents are like a unit and I'm not really part of that unit.

I've carried with me for a long time, the belief that I'm not good enough, I don't have a degree or a career and slowly, but surely have lost myself. I'm scattered and craving love, warmth, to feel safe, then when I have a strong foundation, hopefully, I will be able to build on that.

I'm getting "triggers" all over the place, especially when I see people with their families or they talk about them. I think it's beautiful, but I don't have that and I don't want to deny my feelings any more, there is so much anger, it's consuming me.

Being alone and isolated isn't healthy, I want all the help I can get, but I'm frightened of people taking over.

I have a lot of loss and struggle to let go of things and don't feel in control.

It's the anger I can't handle, I used to be very easy-going....I just want to belong somewhere and find the right people to help me and start to have my own life rather than tagging onto other people's lives.

I fear men as I got sex and love confused in my late teens and I feel, goodness knows where I've got this from, but in order for a man to like me, I have to sleep with him. Then I contradict it with that I want to feel respected. I think what I really want is hugs and warmth and to feel safe.

I'm angry and it's out of control, my needs aren't getting met and I'm scared.....

Thank you so much for letting me share this with you. There's a whole world out there and I want to start living it, but need help, I can't cope with too many changes at once.....

xx

Hi there!

I am also new to this site - I really should put up my welcome message (must remember to do that next after finishing this post).

I thought that perhaps I could offer some advice on a couple of issues you raised in your post that I could relate to.

Firstly the disturbing thoughts.
I too get them, loads of them, really really upsetting terrible intrusive thoughts. I've self diagnosed myself as having obsessive thoughts. Meaning that they play around and around my head all the time (which causes me to have anxiety). What I have read up on this is that it is very common and there are a variety of techniques that can help you get past these. One method is to allow the thought to come, don't be afraid of them (tricky, ey?). Remember they are thoughts, not facts. Your brain has an over-reactive imagination - its like your brain is chatting away and it suddenly gets a reaction (anxiety) from a thought - so of course your mind hooks onto it and produces more and more of these horrible thoughts. The key is to just acknowledge that is just a thought, and not a fact. As soon as the emotion is taken away from the thought, then you will find that you may have less disturbing thoughts.

Anxiety always feels overwhelming.
The sick feeling, the breathlessness, the feeling of going mad is all normal. What I have found that has helped me is to spend is learning all about the physical symptoms of a panic attack. Learn about how the brain sends out signals, then the adrenaline, then the heart races etc etc. I would recommend leaning more about it, so when your next panic attack hits you can ride it out - "surf the anxiety wave" as they say.

And lastly, know that sometimes it just rains. But the sun will always come out :)

Stay in touch.